Thread: [Pokémon] Hollow Sunset
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Old May 4th, 2013 (6:16 PM).
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dudebot dudebot is offline
Glowing Yellow
    Join Date: Sep 2012
    Location: Nomnom Town
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    Posts: 127
    Originally Posted by Knightfall View Post
    Alright, I figured this would be a good place to review. Please note that I have only read the first two chapters at the current time of posting.

    Anyways, first off, I'd like to point out how unique I think this story is. Blending the elements of novel writing and a playwright, it's something that I have never seen before, and it is definitively something I want to see more of.

    You spend a good amount of time on characterization. I feel like I can firmly see who Chrome, Melancholy, and even Chrome's mother are in my mind's eye, even without looking at the pictures at the top.

    I also enjoy the backstory you have behind this. I'm intrigued ever so slightly at the debts Chrome's mother accumulated in Fortune City, hopefully more on this is revealed, as it is a neat bit of the plot. The same with Faust, since his character's absence had such a profound effect on Chrome, I would love to see more of that plot in the future.

    Moving on, while I do enjoy the script format, I do feel some of the potential for making really good scenes and describing the world around the characters is lost somewhat. Also, at least in the first two chapters, you have a few mistakes in grammar. Mostly commas, but I saw at least one spelling mistake.

    When Chrome is first thinking:
    CHROME:[thinking] . . . Isn't it too earlier to be this happy?

    The word "earlier" should be "early", as the sentence is in present tense, not past tense.

    Other than that, I do like the interactions between Chrome and the Pichu are very well done. Though, the script format does make things seem a bit rushed. If it weren't for the novel description at times, I would have a hard time keeping track of everything that's going on.

    So, there's my take on this so far. It's got lots of promise and I look forward to reading more of this.

    Knightfall signing off...
    This is exactly why I'm using this format in this story. I want to be able to improve on that. I can't say for sure if I have (since your review is based on the first two chapters, which I wrote in the infancy of my skill towards this format), but I think there's much potential to it. I always thought that the dialogue format in playwriting could make it easier to understand who's doing what. But, when you add that, you take away the descriptiveness of novel writing. Trying to find a balanced story that is both entertaining and enjoyable, while also being fairly simple and understandable.

    Thanks for the heads up on the spelling and grammatical errors. Since I haven't been looking back on these chapters, I would've likely missed it.

    Conclusion of the First Gym Battle is likely tomorrow.
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