The Darkest Evil (PG-16)
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May 30th, 2013 (5:27 AM).
Do the Wess dance!
Central Coast - Australia
Eventful end to the opening chapter there. Nice way to set it up! (And this brotherhood sounds like they have the costume down pat. =p)
I liked how you introduced the characters in the beginning. They already seem pretty interesting, and there's some nice interaction between the two. Growlithe and Lillipup are neat Pokemon too imo, so I look forward to seeing what they do in the story.
I do suggest to proofread properly as there were some mistakes throughout which can distract from the story.
About 100 yards in front of him, he could
pokemon and children playing together in the lake.
hear rather than here, for instance.
"Here you go Dally." a feminine voice called as the owner got closer.
A couple things here: firstly, if someone is addressed by name (or nickname, etc), a comma should go before or after that name. Secondly, with dialogue you should only use a full stop if the sentence ends there - if what follows the dialogue doesn't work as a sentence by itself, then use a comma instead (or !, ? - this rule only applies to full stops). Ie:
"Here you go, Dally," a feminine voice called as the owner got closer.
Punctuation in dialogue can be annoying to figure out at first, but the main thing is to be consistent, which isn't the case:
Gwyn sat down besides him on the bench, "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you". She said smiling at him.
Here you had the punctuation after the quotation mark - it should be inside, and again here a comma rather than a full stop. [I also would go with a full stop after 'bench' as it makes more sense to start a new sentence there]. 'She' should also become 'she'. Given 'She said smiling at him' doesn't sound complete as its own sentence, it ought to be treated as a sentence along with the dialogue, and so you don't use a capital with She. Some example variations of the above:
"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you," she said, smiling at him.
Note I use a comma after said to use as a pause in the sentence.
"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you." She smiled at him.
Here She is capitalised as 'She smiled at him' does work as its own sentence, and as a result a full stop is also used in the dialogue.
There's other examples of misused punctuation around dialogue in your story, so I suggest going through it. If you want a clearer explanation then just ask!
They did not say much until they had finished eating. Both of them ate their ice cream at the same speed. They had been friends for ten years.
The last sentence sounds rather odd compared with the rest - you're talking about ice cream eating, and then suddenly drop the fact that they were friends for so long. This would be better in its own paragraph or even dropped given it's indicated in their discussion a little bit later.
Dallas's hazel eye met her's.
Note that cases like "her's" really means "her is" - what you want is hers.
She was cut off by a loud intercom horn that was about 20 feet away from them wired on a pole so that announcements could be made.
Numbers smaller than 100 ought to be written out with letters (so twenty rather than 20). Try not to include too many details or explain too much - here we can figure out that the intercom is already there for announcements, so there's no need to over explain the intercom's existence.
It is now Seven O'clock.
Watch that you don't capitalise stuff needlessly too. It should only be done for proper nouns (e.g. names, places, things of Great Importance... =p) - seven o'clock doesn't fall under that though.
She had been living alone the passed five months.
After that the walked side by side. After a few minutes of walking, a person in black
with a hood over his said
bumped into his shoulder.
Be sure to proofread so stuff like this isn't left in.
He was the fireworks that were supposed to be launched
"Dallas! What's happening!" Gwyn cried as she death gripped his arm and go as close as possible to him.
Make sure that sentences sound right too. One good trick is to proof read by reading out aloud - if something is off it'll sound off when read aloud.
As if answering her question a man in Pitch Black Robes
Another case of unnecessary capitalisation. 'pitch black robes' are not proper nouns, so there's no need for capitals there.
Although there's more about grammar than anything else here, the story is a good start. Just needs a bit more attention to that side is all, as they do get in the way of the story. Good luck with the rest of it, and do post more!
Back by popular demand. And in red!
A Change of the Season
The Retelling of Pokémon Colosseum
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