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Old July 23rd, 2013 (11:50 PM).
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus Nolafus is offline
Aspiring something
    Join Date: Jul 2012
    Location: Lost in thought... again
    Age: 22
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Calm
    Posts: 5,782
    Title of Story: Alien Poverty
    Fandom: None (I hope that's okay!)
    Plot summary: An alien race known as Srains have inhabited Earth and have been living there for a few generations. The story follows a Srain named Nolafus and his daily struggles, as a single father, against segregation, and trying to be a good role model for his two kids.
    Genre: SciFi with a little bit of historical fiction.
    Rating (PG, R, etc): PG-13 (minor language)
    Type of mentor needed: My biggest struggle is with description.I keep receiving the critique "good dialogue, but description is lacking."
    Example of writing:

    The hall was now engulfed in flames with no way to walk through. Nolafus quickly took off his fireproof jacket and covered the baby. He took a couple steps back, and leaped through the flames to the other side his scales preventing any damage that was too serious. Joe followed suit and they both bolted through the front door with the baby, still crying, safe and sound.

    The mother immediately broke from the crowd and came racing over to Nolafus and Joe. She immediately snatched the baby from Nolafus with a wrinkle in her nose and showered Joe with thank you's and and praise. Joe tried convincing the woman that it was all Nolafus' effort that her baby was saved, and she finally muttered out a small "thank you" in Nolafus' direction and rushed back towards the crowd.

    "Well it looks like this dynamic duo saves yet another life." Joe said sounding quite pleased with himself.

    "I guess so." Nolafus muttered and started walking back towards the truck.

    "Oh come on," Joe replied following Nolafus, "You know she was thankful for saving her baby, don't be like this. She was just, just..."

    "Just what!" Nolafus exclaimed whipping around and facing Joe," Just ashamed to admit that a Srain helped her! When will you humans get it, we have feeling just like you! We're not just meatbags, we're not too tough to sit down on the bus, we're not inferior, and we're not aliens anymore! We live on this Earth just like you and we were born on this Earth just like you! Why don't you humans get it!"

    "I get it." Joe said looking Nolafus straight in the eyes.

    Nolafus let out a long, exasperated sigh. "I know you do I just get, frustrated some times about all this. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you."

    "It's alright," Joe said patting Nolafus on the back, "I mean you guys have every right to be frustrated, but I mean this inequality has gone on for a while now and It doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. Come on, I think they might need help with the hose."

    Other: I'm finished with three chapters and working on my fourth one. I would like someone to help me improve overall.
    PairPC sister