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Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 20 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Day Ago
5,830 posts
13.7 Years
Hi there! So I noticed you originally posted the second chapter in a different thread. What I meant last time is having the chapters be separate posts but within the same thread. Hence why I merged the threads together. Hope this makes sense!

Since I'm here, I decided to give this chapter a chance. To be honest, I feel the narration lacks that certain spark. Your narrator so far has been going like, "I did this, and then this happened" without much pause for some introspection on the narrator's part. There's also the lack of dialogue going on where the characters fell flat so far. I can at least picture the chaos going on and Crista reacting to Pichu, so you're getting in the right direction.

I also noticed a lot of grammar typos and mistakes. A few examples:

As I grudgingly sat next to Crista Then I heard something from upstairs.
I think you meant to take out the "Then" in between "Crista" and "I heard"?

I had this unholy look upon my face. As I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as i got it clean again i felt something tugging my hoodie from behind.
Okay, this sounds very awkward when read aloud and your i's aren't capitalized. I think changing up some of the punctuations would make this part flow better.

I had this unholy look upon my face, as I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as I got it clean again I felt something tugging my hoodie from behind.

This is why I suggest slowing down on updates so you leave your work at least a day and then proofread it. If you have trouble checking own work, maybe try to find a beta to help you polish your chapters before posting it. A suggestion, though!

So I really tried to give this a chance, but I'm limited on time and a chance I won't pick this up on a regular basis. Again don't take this personally though. I do want to wish to see you improve your writing and wish you luck! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]