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This is the introduction to my new fanfic, The Almia Conspiracy. Enjoy!
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Our story takes place in the Pokemon region of Almia. However, not in that region as we know it now. No, Almia in its distant future, where the Ranger trend has long since ended. Its inhabitants are now Trainers and Breeders. Our story focuses on a young trainer that lives in the Chicole Village. He aspires to go to the recently reopened Trainer School, which has been greatly expanded and changed to meet the growing Trainer population. Now, we enter the world of Almia.
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Give Feedback, and I'll post the first chapter soon!
@-0, that was the introduction. Anyway, here's the First Chapter!
Pokémon: The Almia Conspiracy
Chapter 1
Zack Romano slowly opened his blue eyes. Sitting up, he yawned and stretched. Squinting, he looked across the room at the television set. It was off, so all he could see on its black screen was his reflection. Looking at it, he noticed his short, blond hair was going everywhere, but that didn't seem to concern him too much. He just ran his long, pale fingers through it and hoped that would at least get out the tangles.
Slipping out of his bed, he stumbled across the room to one of the wooden bookcases. Colorful spines were jammed on every shelf except the top one, which was crammed with odds, ends, and a single plastic alarm clock that seemed to have been ringing for quite awhile. Picking it up, he squinted at the time. Then, he paused as the clock fell out of his hands and landed with a thump on the hardwood floor.
"Oh no," he whispered. "The Trainer Academy's entrance exam! I'm gonna be late!"
"Argh!" he said as he hurried to get on his clothes and ran downstairs to hastily eat his breakfast.
"Good morning, dear," his mother called to her son.
"Bye, Mom," he said absentmindedly as he ran out the door holding his bag with his shirt on backwards, and his pants half on.
"That kid. He's just like his father," his Mother said, sighing as she said so.
"Mommy, where's Brother going?" his sister asked.
All she did was sigh.
Zack ran through the streets of Chicole, passing many of his neighbors and friends. He received many "Good Luck!s" and "Farewell!s", and reached the path that led to Vientown.
He had managed to avoid most of the Pokémon on the path, but finally, the Staraptor that lived along the path suddenly attacked Zack.
"Argh! Go away stupid bird! I'm gonna be late!" He said, squirming around with the Staraptor's claws in his rough hair.
"Starrr! Raptrrrr!" it said, wildly swinging back and forth, clutching to Zack's hair.
"Fine! I'll just have to battle you, crazy bird!" Zack exclaimed angrily to the bird.
As if that was the answer it was looking for, the Staraptor let go of his hair had flew a few feet in front of him.
"Ok, let's go, Cubburn!" Zack exclaimed, throwing a Pokéball high into the air, which then released a red light which materialized into the Fire Cub Pokémon.
"Burrr!" Zack's Pokémon cried in excitement.
"Cubburn, use Ember!" he roared to his Pokémon, as it began to shoot fire from its mouth at the Staraptor.
"Starr! RAPTORRR!!!" the bird Pokémon cried as it flew up into the air and swooped at Cubburn, trying to land a Drill Peck on it.
"Darn! Cubburn, dodge it!" Zack commanded, but the Staraptor was too fast.
Cubburn was savagely attacked by the Staraptor, and Cubburn ended up on the ground, struggling to rise.
"That's the last straw, stupid bird! I'll catch you!" Zack exclaimed, as he whipped out a fresh Great Ball from one of his pockets.
He threw the Great Ball at the Bird Pokémon, and it was engulfed in the ball, falling to the ground. The ball rocked three times, and it clicked to indicatte that it had been captured.
"Yes! Now I can hurry to Vientown!" Zack cried in excitement, and ran down the remaining part of the path to Vientown.
He finally reached Vientown and got in line to get on the boat ride to the Trainer School. The short boat ride took him to the island, where the amazing wonder of Pokémon education that was the Trainer Academy awaited him. He entered the building, and the greatest adventure of his life began.
Quickie review because I'm procrastinating on something, but...
First off, I'm just wondering. Are you typing this up in the reply to thread box? If so, you'll want to try using a word processor (Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, whatever you've got on hand along those lines) instead. The reason why is because you don't want to rush yourself, and you want to have an easy time proofreading. For the first one, if you're writing in the reply to thread box, you'll probably be tempted to write an entire chapter in one sitting instead of take your time with it because that's all you've got, right? One sitting?
As for the other one, writing in a word processor gives you useful tools like the spell check and the ability to save. That way, you can save your work and come back to it later when you're in the right mindset to proofread (i.e., less likely to be biased about your own work), and you can run your chapter through a quick spell check to dust off any obvious spelling errors.
Mostly, though, you'll want a word processor for the ability to save your work without having to post it in order to avoid rushing through a chapter.
That being said, let's talk about the chapter proper.
Zack Romano woke slowly from his dream-filled slumber. His room was a small one, furnished with a few bookcases and one small TV, aside from the bed. Zack looked around his room sleepily. Suddenly, he remembered that the entrance exams for the new Trainer Academy were this morning!
First off, try to avoid the exclamation point in your narration. That causes your narrator to have more of a voice than you probably want. In other words, your narrator (if you're writing in third person POV) is usually a third party looking in on what's going on. They're not taking part in the action directly, so they really don't have a particular opinion on what's going on. The exclamation point makes it sound like they're experiencing the character's emotions when they really shouldn't be, in other words.
Second, it's not too bad of a start grammatically, but in terms of description, it might help you to add in something along the lines of describing what Zack looks like. Right now, all we can picture with some kind of detail is the arrangement of the room, but we don't really know much else. This is going to make things difficult for the reader to really get a good mental image going.
One way to start with description is by threading in phrases here and there to show the reader what a character looks like without going into too much infodumping. In other words, have descriptions connected with the actions they're taking. Let me give you an example of what I mean. (It's an example in part because I really do encourage you to experiment with it, and anyway, I'm not really sure what Zack actually looks like at this point.)
Spoiler:
Zack Romano slowly opened his blue eyes. Sitting up, he yawned and stretched. Squinting, he looked across the room at the television set. It was off, so all he could see on its black screen was his reflection. Looking at it, he noticed his short, blond hair was going everywhere, but that didn't seem to concern him too much. He just ran his long, pale fingers through it and hoped that would at least get out the tangles.
Slipping out of his bed, he stumbled across the room to one of the wooden bookcases. Colorful spines were jammed on every shelf except the top one, which was crammed with odds, ends, and a single plastic alarm clock that seemed to have been ringing for quite awhile. Picking it up, he squinted at the time. Then, he paused as the clock fell out of his hands and landed with a thump on the hardwood floor.
"Oh no," he whispered. "The Trainer Academy's entrance exam! I'm gonna be late!"
I could proceed to show you more, but you get the idea. Notice how the reader can sort of get a picture of Zack in their minds from reading all that? We can even sort of see how groggy he is as he stumbles around and squints and tries to tame his bed hair. That's the sort of thing you want to aim for: giving the reader a good look at what's going on and what things look like by describing things as the character goes. If you can get them to picture what's going on and what your world looks like, you'll be more likely to draw them in because they'll be able to feel like they can submerge themselves in your world.
Also, like I said, you don't actually have to use the story beginning I've written in the spoilers. That's just an example. Try playing around with details and actions to see what you can come up with yourself.
"Argh!" he said as he hurried to get on his clothes and ran downstairs to hastily eat his breakfast. "Good Morning, dear," his mother called to her son. "Bye, Mom," he said absentmindedly as he ran out the door holding his bag with his shirt on backwards, and his pants half on.
Whenever you write dialogue, you actually have to start a new paragraph every time the speaker changes. This is because it's a lot like starting a new topic. (You know what the teachers say in school. It's sort of like that.) So, instead of the above, what you'll really want is something like this:
"Argh!" he said as he hurried to get on his clothes and ran downstairs to hastily eat his breakfast.
"Good morning, dear," his mother called to her son.
"Bye, Mom," he said absentmindedly as he ran out the door holding his bag with his shirt on backwards, and his pants half on.
(This also makes it easier to read because your audience will tend to read each line as belonging to the first speaker in the paragraph. In other words, they'll think that Zack is the one saying the "good morning, dear" line until they get to the part about his mother. You want to make things clear at the very start, so your readers won't stumble, you know?)
'Course, there's a few other bits here and there to polish off. First off, you don't have to capitalize the word "morning." It's a common noun, not a proper one.
After that, it feels like you're rushing a bit through these actions. Zack comes down and eats his breakfast, but you don't really go into too much detail about what he's grabbing. That seems a little insignificant, I know, but it makes your narration seem like it's on fast forward. If he's in a rush, you could just skip the part about breakfast or give him something quick and easy to grab and eat, either right there or on the way. Either way, you'll want to avoid vague actions in your narration to avoid that fast-forward feeling, if that makes sense.
"That kid. He's just like his father," his Mother said,
Strangely, you do family titles correctly in the quotes, so I'm thinking you don't really need to be told this. However, don't capitalize a family name (like "mother") unless you can replace it with a given name. So, you have it right with "his father" because you can't replace "father" with, for example, John. Likewise, you have it right with "where's Brother going" because you can replace "Brother" with "Zack" and still have the sentence make sense. You can't really do the same with "his mother" without implying something a little awkward.
You'll probably want to put this in its own paragraph as well, just because of the fact that because Zack's sister was the last one speaking, you're actually implying that she's also the one sighing here. Unless that's what you meant. At that point, sure, leave it as-is.
In any case, yeah, it's just an issue of paragraphing with dialogue, like I said above. To avoid having a reader stumble here and there, you'll want to start new paragraphs whenever a speaker changes. Likewise, if you've got a sentence of pure action (as in, someone is doing something) and no dialogue, you'll want to be careful with pronouns. Specify if you can or simply start a new paragraph if the action isn't done by the same person as the speaker.
Zack ran through the streets of Chicole, passing many of his neighbors and friends. He reached Vientown and got in line to get on the boat ride to the Trainer School.
This would probably be a better example of the fast-forward feeling I was talking about than the breakfast thing I pointed out earlier. Here, Chicole isn't exactly near Vientown. Sure, they're right next to each other on a map, but they're also separated by forest. Here, the narration makes it look like he ran through the streets for five minutes and then ended up in Vientown.
Beyond that, we don't really catch too much in terms of description. We don't know what kind of day it was or what kinds of other people he spotted (including potential classmates). There's no real interaction between Zack and his neighbors and friends as he rushes by (not even a farewell or good luck), so we can't really get a good handle on how he interacts with people or what his personality is like. (He could, for example, be a Paul-like character who gives everyone the cold shoulder, or he could be warm and Ash-like and say farewell to his friends as he passes them.) We don't even really get to see his thoughts, either here or when he sees the Trainer Academy for the first time.
In other words, do your best to slow down. If it takes a character one sentence to go from one town to another, that might be a good sign that you could fit a lot more in the space in between. Show us what Zack is seeing, and show us how he interacts with the world around him. That way, we can get a good image of what this character is like, and we'll be able to connect to both him and his world a bit more easily. In other words, it'll help us to really feel something for the world you're trying to present to us.
Overall, I wouldn't say it's absolutely terrible (i.e., don't get discouraged by how long this review actually turned out to be), but it could definitely be better if you give yourself a bit more time to write down your thoughts. Remember, the audience can't see your world until you show it to us by showing us what it looks like and how your characters interact with it. If you can pull both of those off, you'll be able to do a lot more with that plot you've got in mind.
@valentine, Thank you for that constructive criticism. I do write it in Word first, and copy it over. That introduction to Chapter One that you did was amazing. Can I use it? And when he was heading to Vientown, I did think about putting that he was attacked by a Staraptor, but I couldn't find a way to fit it in. I really couldn't think of any way to put anything in between.
@valentine, Thank you for that constructive criticism. I do write it in Word first, and copy it over. That introduction to Chapter One that you did was amazing. Can I use it? And when he was heading to Vientown, I did think about putting that he was attacked by a Staraptor, but I couldn't find a way to fit it in. I really couldn't think of any way to put anything in between.
This has a great idea and stuff, but it needs more detail. Also, I have an idea. He leaves school for a day on a field trip, and when he comes back, it's being attacked by tons of pokemon. The pokemon can be controlled, captured by an evil team, or whatever. That could be his first mission or something. Just a suggestion. Continue this, it could use a bit of detail or so, but it's pretty good.
Zack got off the boat, inhaling the fresh, pure air of a new day. He ran to where all the other Trainers were gathering.
"Hello, young Trainers!" the important-looking man standing on the stage exclaimed.
The Trainers replied things like "Good Morning," and "Hello," and "Get on with it!"
"Welcome to the entrance exams for the new Pokémon Academy! Now, Doctor Wakeman will announce the rules and the exams!" the man said.
Then a short woman with grayish hair came up to the podium and picked up the
microphone.
"Thank you, Director Quigley. Now, the first exam will be the written test. We will test you on basic type-matchup skills, Pokémon evolutions, and things of that sort," she said.
Oh, no, Zack thought. I'm not very good at that.
"The second test will be the Tactics test," she continued, "It tests your abilities to fend off tough attacks from other Pokémon."
That should be pretty easy, Zack thought.
"The last test will be a simple battle between you and another Trainer." she finished.
She sat back down, and Director Quigley got up and spoke again.
"Now I would like all of you to enter the hall and line up behind a station to be put in a group." he said, and slowly the Trainers entered the Academy.
The Academy's main building was a magnificent modern-era building. Zack entered it, along with all the other Trainers, at the main entrance, and were in the opulent entrance hall. In the middle of the giant room were four stations in different colors. The Trainers began to filter into lines behind each of the stations.
Zack eventually got up to the green station where he was given a slip of paper with the number thirteen on it.
"Hmm, thirteen," he said as he looked around for the number thirteen somewhere around the room.
He finally found it, above a large pot of flowers. There were a number of trainers gathered around it. He ran towards them, waiting for the exams to begin.
Sometime during this process, the stage from outside was brought inside by a group of Machamps. Soon afterwards, the Director got up on it and spoke into the microphone again.
"Trainers, please get in your groups! The written test is about to start!" he exclaimed, the sound system carrying his voice through the large room.
Then, the man who was standing behind Zack's group told them what to do.
"Ok, after Director Quigley says that it is time to begin the test, you will need to go into that room over there," he said as he pointed to a door on the wall opposite them, "Remember, no cheating!"
"Time to begin the test!" the Director boomed.
Everyone began filing into their doors. Zack entered the room, which had rows and rows of desks lined up. He felt slightly nauseous.
"Oh, I'm nervous," he said woefully.
"It's not so bad," another Trainer on his left said.
"Yeah, I took it last year, and it wasn't terrible!" another on his right said.
"Well, I hope so," Zack replied as he sat down in a desk.
A tall, blonde woman stepped up to a podium in front of all the desks.
"She's hot!" Zack muttered under his breath as she began talking.
"Before we begin, we will go over the rules for this exam. No cheating and no talking. The test has a hundred and fifty questions, and you need to get one-hundred correct to pass. If you pass at least two exams, you will get into the Academy. Now… Begin!" she announced, and the Trainers began their first exam.
Little did they know that far away in Almia Castle, spacetime distortions were wreaking havoc.
Cool. But, in that chapter you say <"This should be easy." I thought.> It should be 'Zack thought.' I like the closing sentence, it keeps me hooked. The exams sound interesting too. Anyways, remember TRD! Review it often!
Sry for double post, but this is the third chapter!
Sorry for the extra longness too.
Pokémon: The Almia Conspiracy
Chapter 3
When Zack got his test scores back, his face suddenly took on a ghastly expression.
"No! I got 36 out of 150?!" he said, with the expression still glued to his face.
"Ooh, too bad, dude. I passed it with 112," said the first Trainer who Zack had talked to earlier, "By the way, my name is Data. Nice to meet you!"
"I'm Zach. I think we'll be pretty good friends," Zack replied, as Director Quigley began to speak.
"Great job on the first exam, everyone! Now it's time for the Tactics exam! Your advisors will tell you where to go," the Director announced over the sound system.
Then Zack's group advisor told the group where they were supposed to go for the second exam.
"Head to that room over there, and sit down in one of the chairs," he told them, pointing to another doorway across the room.
They went through the door and sat in the chairs. Then, a woman entered the room and stood in front of the Trainers.
"Welcome to the Second exam! This will test your abilities to fend off tough attacks," she announced, "First up is Kara."
A brown-haired young girl came up to the teacher.
"Go, Gyarados!" the woman exclaimed, and her Pokémon materialized from the red light emitted by its Pokéball. "Now send out your Pokémon." she told Kara.
"I choose you, Parret," she said, and her Bird Pokémon materialized.
"Stop Gyarados' Outrage before it faints your Pokémon. Start now! Gyarados, use Outrage!" the woman exclaimed, and Gyarados began using Outrage.
"Um, Parret, use Protect," Kara said to her Pokémon, and a shield appeared around it.
But the shield disappeared almost instantly. The Gyarados repeatedly attacked Parret.
"Oh! I've got an idea! Parret, use your Light Screen around Gyarados!" Kara commanded with newfound enthusiasm.
"Parrrr!" it said as it summoned a stronger shield to put around Gyarados.
Gyarados was trapped inside the Light Screen, and could no longer attack.
"Perfect! You've passed this exam!" the teacher exclaimed as Kara returned to her seat.
"Next up is Zack." she announced, and Zack walked up to her.
"Go, Staraptor!" he exclaimed, throwing his Pokéball into the air.
"Starrr! Rapp!" it screeched happily.
"Defend yourself effectively, and defeat my Pokémon. Gyarados, use Hydro Pump!" the teacher said.
"Staraptor, dodge it and use Endure!" Zack said as Gyarados began shooting a stream of water at Staraptor.
Staraptor flew up in the air and screeched while a reddish light enveloped it as it used Endure.
"Gyarados, Surf!" she commanded, and the room began to fill up with water, being welled up into a giant wave.
Staraptor was hit by the huge wave, and lay flat out on the floor.
"Starr… Trrrr…" Staraptor cried.
"Staraptor, use Endeavor!" Zack commanded, and Staraptor got up and savagely attacked the Gyarados.
"Good job, Zack! Gyarados is almost knocked out! You have passed this exam!" the teacher exclaimed, and Zack returned to his seat.
"Gyarados, here," she said, administering a Full Restore to her hurt Pokémon. "Next up is Boris!"
Zack promptly fell asleep watching the rest of the exam.
Meanwhile, Almia Castle in the far north was being wrecked with spacetime distortions. However, they were not natural distortions. They were caused by Team Targa.
To learn more about Team Targa, we need to go back a little in the past. About fifty years after the defeat of Blake Hall and Team Dim Sun. Kincaid and his underlings, Lavana, Heath, and Ice, grew tired of the peace created by the Luminous Crystal. So they came up with a plan that would provide more power than the Shadow Crystal ever could. They needed the legendary dragons, Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina. They underwent years of research and expeditions to find where they were. Finally, they got a lead on Dialga. They hurried to Almia Castle, where Dialga had been spotted again. However, it fled. So they continued to search for the dragons. Nothing ever turned up. Until now.
Meanwhile, at the academy, the third exam was just beginning. Zack's group was sitting in the stands around the battle stadium, talking, and watching the battles.
"Zack, you're up next. Come with me," the lady from the second exam said, while telling another boy from his section to come along.
They walked along a corridor for a while, and they turned around a corner. Around that corner, was a room with some Pokémon Healing Machines and two doors on opposite walls. On the wall opposite the entrance was a large window, looking in on the Stadium.
"Zack, Hikaru, heal your Pokémon, and come back to me," she told them, and they went off to the machines to heal their Pokémon.
Zack put his only two Pokéballs into the machine, hearing the chime that all trainers knew. He heard another one from the other side of the room, and took his Pokéballs from the machine. He walked back to the woman, and Hikaru walked back as well.
"Zack, go through that door over there," she said, pointing at the door on the left wall.
"Hikaru, go through the other door," she said, pointing to the door on the right wall.
Zack walked to his, and went through, into the stadium. He kept walking, and reached his place on the battlefield. He saw Hikaru on the other side, who was staring at him with an indifferent look.
"Now we begin Battle Five! Zack Romano! VS Hikaru Ayase!" the Director's voice boomed over the sound system, "Battle… Begin!!!"
"Alright, Cubburn, I choose you!" Zack exclaimed, his Fire Lion Pokémon materializing out of his spinning Pokéball.
"Cubburn!" it said, dancing around on the field.
"Hmph. Go, Metagross," Hikaru said, his Pokémon coming out of the Ultra Ball.
"Meta meta," the Metagross said, landing on the ground with a slight thud.
"Wow! That looks like a really strong Pokémon! I've gotta defeat it! Cubburn, use Flamethrower!" Zack exclaimed, and the Cubburn began to spit a torrent of fire at Hikaru's Metagross.
"The Flamethrower does massive damage to Metagross! It's having a hard time getting up!" Director Quigley announced through his microphone.
"Don't you know showing kindness to your Pokémon is a sign of weakness? Of course, a weak Trainer such as you probably wouldn't know that. Metagross, finish the weakling with Meteor Mash," Hikaru said, his Metagross beginning to float up in the air, beginning to use Meteor Mash.
"Cubburn, dodge it, and use another Flamethrower!" Zack exclaimed, Metagross coming in for its attack.
Cubburn jumped out of the way, beginning another torrent of fire to spit at Metagross.
"Cub! BUUUURRRRRRN!!!!!!" Cubburn cried, releasing the fire at Metagross.
It pounded into Metagross, knocking the Super Computer Pokémon out.
"Ugh. Metagross, return. Absol, go," Hikaru said, his Metagross flying back into its Ultra Ball, while another Pokémon began to materialize on the field.
"Absol. Sol," the new Pokémon said, sitting down in anticipation of the first attack.
"Cubburn, use Flamethrower!" Zack said, and Cubburn began another Flamethrower attack.
"Absol, Sucker Punch." Hikaru said, Cubburn halfway through its Flamethrower.
Absol quickly ran up to Cubburn and punched it before the Flamethrower could complete. Cubburn was knocked out.
"Ooh, Cubburn has been knocked out by Absol's Sucker Punch! What will Zack do next?" the Director's voice echoed through the stadium, amplified by the microphone.
"No, Cubburn! Well, Cubburn, return! Go, Staraptor!" Zack exclaimed, sending out his next Pokémon.
"Starr! Trr!" it said, flapping around happily.
"Absol, Protect," Hikaru commanded, and a light shield appeared around Absol.
"Staraptor, use Fly!" Zack exclaimed, and Staraptor flew up in the air.
"Ugh. Absol, use Stone Edge," Hikaru said, as Absol's shield faded.
Absol reared up on its hind legs, and rock began showering down on Staraptor.
"Starrrr! Trrrr!" it cried, being hurt by the stones pounding on its body.
Then Staraptor flew at Absol, pecking, scratching, flapping its wings, and everything in between. When it finally completed the attack, Absol had been knocked out.
"This is amazing! Zack has defeated Hikaru, and the third exam! Congratulations!" the Director's voice boomed again.
"Yes! Good job Staraptor!" Zack exclaimed.
"Starr! Trr!" Staraptor cried, flying in towards Zack.
"No! How could I have lost? Argh!" Hikaru yelled, angry that he had lost.
Zack walked back to the room with the Healing Machines, and healed his Pokémon before continuing along the corridor back to his seat.
He sat down, and he was swarmed by the others in his group.
"I can't believe you won against him!" one said.
"Was it hard?" another asked.
"You are so awesome!" one other exclaimed.
"Guys, stop! Let him rest a bit!" Data, his friend from earlier, exclaimed to all of the people swarming on Zack. "So, Congratulations! You're in the Academy!"
"I know! I'm so excited!" Zack replied with enthusiasm.
Meanwhile, spacetime distortions began to spread through the Chroma Ruins as well.
That was a cool chapter. But, how could Cubburn get knocked out after one hit? Anyways, I think the bad guys progressing without the good guys knowing it. For a suggestion, I'd say split the story: have some of it the evil view, some of it Zack's view. When the views collide, it adds emphasis. Just sayin'
@darkpokeball, Hikaru is based off of Koya from Pokemon Diamond and Pearl Adventure! Volume 6, who has an Absol, and in the story, it uses Sucker Punch in a battle and defeats his opponents strongest Pokemon with a single Sucker Punch. Cubburn isn't Zack's strongest Pokemon. And, I am planning to put that in a chapter soon. It's Chapter Three for pete's sake. It's not even half over.
Okay, thanks. By the way, does Zack like send a letter home telling his folks he joined the academy? Or did he just leave without breakfast, went to the academy, passed the exams, and just stay there? I think that he should like communicate with his parents he passed or something, because it would be wrong just to leave with his pants on backwards and not come back.
