Okay, so I read both chapters and I'll first give my thoughts on them individually before going into the basic thing regarding the chapter/writing as a whole and all. Anyways, shall we begin.
Chapter 2:
Chapter 2
I got downstairs to see the inbox spammer in front of me. Her name is Crista, and her little Marill was down by her side.
"About time" she explained as she sat down on the couch. Mom was making PB&J sandwiches for dinner. I guess she didn't want to go to the next town over to get groceries. As I grudgingly sat next to Crista Then I heard something from upstairs. I think Mom heard it too, so she gave me that look to go see what it was.
So first thing out of the gate I think there's a lot more going on then what's described here or at least told. I say that mainly due to things brought up that aren't given a resolution I would be expecting since well...they're minor and all. For example, the "about time" from I assume Crista since a "she" is used. For example, there isn't so much a direct answer or some hint at it before we cut to "Mom making them foodies" and all that, which can be odd for the reader. You see, the timing of the PJ's comes after the comment by Crista and before you sit down next to Crista which is followed by the noise that gets you two, which makes me think this is a bit jumbled up in order.
A potential solution to all this can be treating your paragraphs not so much as simple sentences but a connections of thought. For example, ask why something wouldn't be immediatly resolved or if it has any POV reasons why it wouldn't get an answer or conclusion and from there move on, because if there isn't a reason it should be split, why should it be split and arranged in such a fashion yah know?
Though I would like to mention I like the subtle shot at Crista with the nickname of "inbox spammer" totes to hidden subtext for effect of making me giggle.
When I got upstairs, everything was a messy disaster. Books were scattered all over the floor and so were pieces of yellow egg shell. I had this unholy look upon my face. As I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as i got it clean again i felt something tugging my hoodie from behind. I spun around to find a little spiky eared Pichu.
Some inconsistent "I" capitalization.
But onto the second critique about this, sentence openings. Let's take a look at which ones are the openers and how many of each kind there are.
I x2 (pronoun)
As x2 (Conjunction)
When x1 (Averbial clause starter *I think)
Books x1 (Noun)
Notice the selection. Now this wouldn't be a big issue in a much larger work or something but this is just 6 sentences after all, with the two "As" being adjacent to each other. This sort of comes off as repetative writing and well, limits what you can really do with the work. For example, let me write the same paragraph you have here, but with different openers for each sentence to allow different options.
Upon reaching upstairs I was greeted with nothing short of a messy disaster. Books were scattered all over the floor with several yellow egg-shell pieces lying with them. With an unholy look of aggrivation on my face, I scrambled to pick up this sudden 'out of the blue' disaster. Despite how messy it seemed at first, it really wasn't that difficult to pick up at least compared to other past disasters that had found their way into that room. I pulled out a chair to sit down for a second to catch my breath, but as I sat down I felt some strange tugging at my hoddie. Firmly, I placed my hand on the chairhead as I twisted my torso and came face to face with a little spiky-eared Pichu with big, black (and adorable) eyes.
Notice how much more is said in that as well as how each sentence tries it's own thing while all linking? Some of the joys in writing is being able to do stuff like this and while it may take some time to sit down and think of it, I believe you'll find yourself proud of what you can create from it.
But moving on,
I heard thumping up the stairs as I quickly put a blanket over the Pichu. Crista came up here to tell me that linner was ready. She quickly gotten whiff that something was not right. She stumbled over to the blanket and slowly lifted it. She shouted as soon as she saw the Pichu, adoring at how cute it was. The Pichu quicky got onto my shoulder and sat down.
Crista amazed that 'I finally did it' gave me a set of 5 pokeballs and ran to see the professor. Aggravated, I wanted to snap back, But before anything was done, I stopped myself from further humiliation. So instead went back downstairs with the pichu on my shoulder. Mom suggested that I named my new partner. I brought up a couple of names until we agreed on the name Blitz. After dinner dinner Mom got us moomoo milk ice cream, but I had questions in the back of my mind. Where was that box, and who was that person. Those thoughts haunted me until I fell asleep.
"Dinner" and "had gotten" typos aside, I'm feel like something is missing between you meeting your pichu buddy and suddenly Crista getting up and heading this way. Like, where's the reaction? What causes Crista to suddenly go up there? Like, I would assume there'd be a reaction loud enough to get Crista's attention, but that's just me. Perhaps adding something in the middle to allow them to flow better time-wise would be nice so we don't feel like something important was skipped.
From that, I'm a little sad we didn't get too much further characterizing as well as not much from the pichu. I will say Crista probably got the most despite being from what I'm guessing a side character.
Chapter 3:
I woke up to another dream; this time it was a narrow hallway. By this point I wondered if I was ever going to have a normal rest.Then curiosity took over, as I looked around. In front of me stood a door, behind me, the hall continued into nothingness. Now I've seen enough horror movies to know that something was gonna happen if I walked through the door. So I sat down trying to wake up.
first comma after "By this point" and next I see we're going back to the dream, which is...kind of sudden. But eh, let's see where this goes.
Before I knew it, the door was right in front of me; beckoning me to come in. I stayed put. . . . . Wrong decision. A force grabbed ahold of me and threw me into the door. I face planted into the ground. As I kept a steady gaze onto the ground a figure started to appear. It rippled making a shape that looked almost like me.
Suddenly a flood of water rushed over me as I woke up breathing Sharply. Sweat dripping down like rain. But then I remember, it was all jus a dream. . . . . . or was it?
Hmmm...kind of lacking in cryptic this time as well, save for someone throwing him in. I dunno, this is probably the weaker one of the three chapters though I will say the grammar in this one is a bit better though errors persist but that tends to be true for everyone.
Summary:
Alright, gonna be honest here. I'd like to first highlight this from Bay's review before I begin. I would link to Bay's post but I don't know how to do it yet without it deleting all of my words so, it's from bay up there, second post.
To be honest, I feel the narration lacks that certain spark. Your narrator so far has been going like, "I did this, and then this happened" without much pause for some introspection on the narrator's part. There's also the lack of dialogue going on where the characters fell flat so far. I can at least picture the chaos going on and Crista reacting to Pichu, so you're getting in the right direction.
I'd like to add that there's lacking in areas of the plot and transition from one scene to another. Like, you show Crista's reaction, yet you strangley didn't have one in your story? Not even the pichu seemed to react much to being well...existing. Though I think a bigger example of this issue is the transition of chapter 2 to chapter 3, just...so little happened from something that I'd expect to be at least more than 2 paragraphs. It feels like you condenced it to such levels that while it's easy to read it's well...really shallow in content.
Now, before we jump to conclusions lemme shed on somethin'.
I'd advise slowing down and taking the time to see where you can go with this story. Oftentimes writers have great ideas, but have a hard time putting them on paper and frankly I think this is a case of "rushing to keep readers but it affecting the content."
So gonna say this to you and the writing community on PC for a second. "If your work is enjoyable and good you wouldn't need a deadline to get people in." How many people are anxiously waiting for a book to come out or something else even if it does take a while? Hell, movies are a good example of this too. The thing I'm trying to say is, don't push yourself for time when you could divert that to writing not only a good story but a fleshed-out story. People will read what is good and while having convenience is nice and all, I'd daresay more people would read your chapters when they become fleshed out more, edited, and built up better. Maybe not at first, but I would say I'd be more invested as well and I think that's true for many others.
Now, don't take this to dishearten because as I said before. Your story has an interesting premise, but sadly premise isn't the entire story. Why I advise you to take time to really delve into what world and story you want to tell.
Good luck buddy.
