The Pursuit of Happiness

Are you happy? If not, what do you think will make you happy?

This might be the wrong place or some such technicality. Apologies in advance.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have a physical illness that prevents me from going anywhere or achieving much. So... no I'm not happy. I'm worn down and frustrated and tired more than anything.

That's not to say my life is devoid of happiness. Things make me laugh, hobbies can bring me temporary enjoyment, Chura always knows how to cheer me up. It's just that happy isn't my default setting and I always revert back to the same state in the end without that positive stimulus.

What would make me happy? I guess either overcoming my limitations or finding a way around them. Obtaining the sense of success and fulfilment and security that I lack right now and escaping all the doubts and insecurities and other bullshit in my head.

I think, it's probably impossible for me to ever 100% get better, but I'm working on it and I have good support from Chura and my family and my doctor and psych. I think that with their continued help and support I can at least achieve some semblance of the lasting happiness I want.

So, I'm not a happy person but I'm not defeated yet either and there's still joy in my life. It's a work in progress.

I try to treat happiness as a process and not as a goal. I don't think I'll ever "be happy" because there are always things nagging me in the back of my head and causing me to stress out. But it helps to identify those things and to realize that the majority of the time they aren't helpful thoughts, and can be bucked as: things I'm stressing over in the past (something I've said, or done, or not done), or something I'm worried about happening in the future (an upcoming deadline, a commitment I've made that I don't want to do, etc.)

The thing about both of those buckets is that I usually can't do anything about either of them right now. What I've done in the past is done. What I'm doing in the future hasn't happened yet. Letting those things take over my present just gives them more power and makes me unhappy, and most of the time I can't do anything about it anyway.

So I do this:

Something I did in the past -> what can I do differently next time -> come up with steps to do it differently or to let go of things that don't matter or can't change -> stop thinking about it.

Something that's coming up in the future -> is there something I can do now to prepare -> if so then do it -> if not then can I avoid the thing reasonably -> if not then let it go and stop thinking about it.

Journey vs. destination, etc. etc.

Ghost Owl said basically what I was going to say. Good post!
I'm doing my best to be happy with the present me. I always think "oh, i'll be happy when i get promoted. oh, i'll be happy when i lose weight. oh, i'll be happy when i learn this skill." There will always be another hurdle to happiness. Every time I clear a hurdle, there's another hurdle in the future. Instead, I want to cherish the present.

I am so vividly, disgustingly happy that it approaches the sickening. I bloody don't deserve it. Never will, and I try and wield that as my stigma. A clumsy and pathetic attempt, but its like my artistic side needs pain, and all it gets is this high of pure joy that only tempers to let the anxiety in. That's the closest I get to suffering. I'm about fifty million miles from the real thing.

I wish I was nicer in the pit of my gut, if only so I was more deserving. I don't think I'm a terribly nice person, really - like my loyalty is conditional, and I'd back my way out of anything if it was boring me. But I'm still very young. Lots of pain ahead, I reckon, which is nothing to look forward to. I'm actually scared to think that this happiness could ever stutter and stall.

And suffering doesn't necessarily entitle you to wonderful things, so my twisted logic is all knotted, as usual. But yes. Very bloody happy. Very pissed at myself for being such a blessed git. Glad for the knowledge that I can use my beautiful circumstances to help the people who are deserving, though.

When I was living in the US and suffering under their poor health care system, and all of the other political bullshit, I was miserable.

Moved to Finland, married the woman of my dreams, and got all of my mental health misdiagnoses corrected by a superior health care system, which meant I could also stop taking the bullshit medications I was put on that were just making my anxiety and depression (but especially my anxiety) worse. Above all though, my wife has been the foundation for 99 percent of my new-found happiness. I met her about six years ago online through my Youtube channel when I still gave a shit about making videos and streams and such. To think we'd be married and I'd be a resident of the happiest country on earth at any point in my life... I'm just incredibly lucky.

I still suffer from the occasional bout of depression (that much is wired into me; can't escape it 100 percent), and panic attacks are sporadic, but compared to where I was in the toilet that has become the US, I may as well be the happiest man on earth.

I'm trying to get there, honestly I've been letting online people affect my mood too much and they shouldn't have that power over me. They're thousands of miles away, they can't affect me in real life, I'm just blocking and moving on because honestly they aren't entitled to me.
That's what I'm gonna try and do.

In an instant, sure, there are things that make us happy, or make us upset. But in the long term, I don't think there are things that will make you happy, per sé. By default, you are fine, until something changes that prevents you from becoming happy with things that would normally do you. That's depression, and the only solution is to fix whatever is dragging you down.

I used to be depressed for a long time, for a variety of reasons (shitty family relations, relationship issues, etc), and it was probably my depression that made me weak enough to let myself get dragged through the mud here years before. After gaining distance from the communities here I joined other places, mostly on Discord, and started my own company where I met the person who became my husband.

I think it was very important that I had the fortitude to do that on my own in spite of everything that happened to me, otherwise I doubt my husband would be my husband! He always said there was something strange about how I acted back then, that my behaviour didn't line up at all with how I was underneath, and come to think of it I recall similar sentiments from Geoff about that as well. I think it's pretty safe to say whoever I actually am is here, and there isn't much left of what would possess me before, if you will.

I'm working on that, I'm going through a self-discovery and doing pretty good so far so, I could say, I'm working my way there.