Darkinium Z

Dani California
Seen 12 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Day Ago
5,831 posts
13.7 Years
Oh boy, Baluarkos having a fight with another Nidorino. I think the fight is choragraphed well, showcasing the different fighting style those two have. And the crowds' reactions are fun to read too. The kids are still cute as always, haha. Hm, wonder what's up with that darker Nidorino...

While reading, I noticed there are some run-on sentences I feel you could have fixed. A few here:

As if knowing to take advantage of Baluarkos' wandering mind, the younger Nidorino launched himself at Baluarkos and the two Pokémon clashed for a moment, pushing and kicking, until a bite from the younger barely missed Baluarkos' ear and the older male was forced to step back.
Here you have a lot of action going on in one sentence. Perhaps the second sentence can start with Baluarkos' opponent biting his ear there.

The teacher male shook his head and trained his eyes on the outcast and invader, how dared he put him in this position.
I would slightly change this to: "The teacher male shook his head and trained his eyes on the outcast and invader. How dared he put him in this position!"

The two lowered their heads, attempting to push the other back grunting all the while, but soon they started losing their footing; in their thirst for blood they did not really notice that some of the Nidorina in the group were keeping very close eye to their fight, each enjoying a thirst of her own, this much to the embarrassment of some of the male teachers who rolled their eyes and decided trying to bring the younglings back in order was a better investment of their time.
This also has a lot going on. Perhaps one sentence talking about the Nidorina watching, and the other sentence with the male teachers dealing with the younglings.

Foul Play
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