Dani California
Seen 16 Hours Ago
Posted 16 Hours Ago
6,139 posts
15.2 Years
So, I was originally going to expand a bit on my initial comments, mostly pointing out some parts I like, but you replied heh. I'll copy and past my review for reference and then reply to your replies then, woo.

One of the things I like most about this story is the way you describe the setting with the various senses, like the smell and sound of the train. Very nice you took advantage of that. I can see you slip in a bit of humor too (REAL FOOD ONLY), so I enjoyed that as well. Bobandbill mentioned some of the thoughts dragged on a bit and while I agree to an extent, I wasn’t bothered by it that much.

While I can see you have Virizion and the Levanny reminiscing while looking at the train, I think the problem lies, at least for me, is that it’s kinda confusing to track both of their thoughts at the same time. You go from Virizion thinking about the Champion and their time with the other Musketeers, then to Levanny’s thoughts when the world wasn’t as much as advanced before, and then Virizion’s thoughts on how to approach the new Champion. I think it would be easier to focus on just Virizion’s thoughts as you’re on the right track (pun not intended haha) with him reflecting on their times with the Champion.

'tis was the best chance to make use of broader sensory focus in a story in a long time. After all, one of the things that is known to trigger (and in certain ways, define) nostalgia is reminiscing thanks to our senses, which have a more direct, hardwired connection to the old, yearning part of our brains (and for a very good reason, mind).

Plus hey, it's deers. Can't really help but somehow getting to take note of how relevant hearing is for them.
Ah huh, that works. Again, cool you made some good use of the senses there.

And yes, deers do have great hearing lol.

The jumping from one perspective to the next was one of the things that the judges, and some of my betareaders, took notice to and gave various advice about it, but I did not have the time to cut and rework it cleanly given that one aspect of Caolené's thoughts (that she wouldn't expect Virizion to have "forgotten" about things) was pivotal to convey for the jump to the "sequence of Champions" to make sense. If I get to rework this story, that perspective jump and the abruptness of the ending are the two highest elements in my list to rework.
Ah, okay. Yeah, understandable the deadline makes it harder to smooth out the deal with perspectives there. I can see where you're getting at geting the thoughts from both characters, but I think you might still be able to do fine with just Virizion's thoughts. Looking forward to seeing the changes when you get the chance.

(Speaking of, a weird addendum: While researching for this story (because why yes I do waste crucial writing time during contests in doing research ) I did read somewhere that there is a specific term in... Psychology? Sociology? for the nostalgia-like feeling of specifically when you *are* at home but the time you've spent in it makes it alien/unrecognizable. I can't remember it ATM but it was an interesting note to realize that such phenomena as nostalgia are studied this deeply)
I just want to point out nothing wrong with research, haha. I wouldn't be surprise if there's a feeling like that in psychology, though.
Miles Edgeworth
Foul Play [On Hiatus]