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Old December 4th, 2011 (1:03 AM).
Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
Gone. May or may not return.
    Join Date: Mar 2010
    Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
    Age: 24
    Nature: Impish
    Posts: 1,030
    Ooh, I liked that. Octa expounds the Law of the Jungle, and Mowgli Boreas refuses to accept it. Nice. The only thing I would point out about that exchange is that Boreas' parents being a Jolteon and a Leafeon, it seems slightly odd that they'd hunt Patrat or Lillipup. I always envisioned the Eevee line as being predators on a much smaller scale - insects, mice, stoats, that sort of thing.

    But that isn't really that important. You're still abusing the poor old comma with regard to direct speech, but since you've said that that changes at Chapter 20, we'll say no more about it; also, when you wrote this:

    Eventually I deducted the proper rules
    you actually mean this:

    Eventually I deduced the proper rules
    'Deducted' means 'subtracted'; 'deduced' means 'figured out'. Deducting rules is an interesting concept, but I don't think that's what you were trying to say. Anyway, back to the chapter.

    “We are trainers on a journey to defeat all Gym Leaders. We have earned the Trio badge in Striaton
    City, so now we're going to Nacrene, and frankly I had no idea that walking past a place nowadays means you're a pokémon thief."
    There's a weird line break in the middle of this bit.

    Black grumbled for the umptillionth time
    You mean 'umpteenth', which means exactly what you're trying to say with 'umptillionth' and has the added benefit of being a real word.

    Also, I've noticed that you don't capitalise the word Pokémon, but you do capitalise individual species (Lillipup, Eevee, etc.) It doesn't matter whether you capitalise or not, but it's considered good writing style to be consistent, i.e. if you capitalise Pokémon, you should capitalise species names, and vice versa. Just something to be aware of.

    One more point about consistency: if Pokémon only disappear in the night, why do the Day-Care people think that Bianca and Black (who presumably are travelling by day) are Pokémon thieves? Wouldn't it make more sense to assume they were Trainers?

    an old Dutchman named Rood
    Have I mentioned before how much I love the fact that Rood is Dutch? If I haven't, I need to do it now. I LOVE THE FACT THAT ROOD IS DUTCH! There. Did it.

    The morning after their victorious Gym battles, Black and Bianca left Striaton City immediately, only stopping to leave a message for Cheren with Nurse Despair
    'Victorious' is used a bit weirdly here. You might want to consider saying 'The morning after their victories in their Gym battles' or something.

    On an entirely unrelated note, Nurse Despair.

    So it was rather surprising when suddenly five people in red clothing jumped out of the bushes around the road.
    Nothing wrong with this sentence; I just like the idea that there were five people lying in ambush. All day.

    Anyway, that's about all I can think of right now. As ever, I look forwards to the next chapter. Cutlerine, out.


    For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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