DracoLatch

http://www.pokecommunity.com/s

Age 18
Male
Seen October 20th, 2016
Posted October 20th, 2016
171 posts
7.5 Years
I do agree with adventure that you could have the story broken down in several paragraphs to have the story be read much more easier. I'm not sure if you used a writing program like Word or Google Docs, but I think having your stories written in one of those programs first and then post it in the forums is a much better solution.



adventure mentioned pressing enter each time a new person speaks. You can have this part be broken down like this:

"Ex..... You... you killed it!" Thompson shouted in disbelief.

"Killed...? All I did was slice off it-" Before I could finish my sentence, Giratina's tail was gone. Madison and Thompson looked at me as if I was a hero... but there was no way that happened. Giratina can regenerate its tail... and realistically, a weakling like me, beating a legendary Pokemon in two hits? It takes me an hour to rough up a Pidgey... there's no way Giratina could have been killed by that.

"Oh my Arceus, OH MY ARCEUS, HOW THE HELL IS THIS POSSIBLE?! THIS IS AMAZING-THAT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I'VE EVER SEEN, and we got that all on video?! WE'RE SENDING YOU TO THE HOLLOW RENEGADE TEAM, EX!!! WE'RE SENDING YOU RIGHT NOW." Madison cheered in joy.


Noticed how each paragraph someone new spoke? First Thompson, then your narrator, and then Madison. Many published works follow this format whenever there's dialogue. As I read Chapter One I notice you got the hang of separating paragraphs, but the dialogues are still squeezed in together. Having a new paragraph each time someone new speaks makes reading dialogue much easier to follow.

The Writing Resources thread in the writing lounge section should have several links on paragraphing and writing mechanics. I understand paragraphs aren't that easy and I had a hard time when to do new paragraphs too when I first started writing. Definitely worth a check!



I also noticed whenever a character shouts you have it in full caps. I've seen instances in published works some dialogue are in full caps, but not as much as you have here. As adventure said, saying "he screamed" and such the readers already figured out the speaker is saying something loudly. You can have it like this instead:

"What in the name of all that is might was that?! I want you to stand on your feet when you salute, damn it, and answer like you mean it! Do you understand?!" He repeated himself, adding more detail of the formal way to salute.

With those out of the way, I do agree the way you have the beginning start with some action is very nice! Can't get any crazier than battling a legendary, haha.

I do admit the parts where Ex interacted with the taxi driver and the hotel receptionist made me chuckle. Pretty impatient there on both accounts, haha. I also like the part where Ex mentioned he was named after the Kalos protagonist. I can understand that being embarrassing. :P Although, curious why you chose X instead of Calem as the games have a default name already for him.



This particular part is very interesting. Yeah, I can imagine this kind of information is something you probably shouldn't say in public. I'm also looking forward to what kind of action Ex will be thrown into right away.

While the story could benefit from cleaner formatting, I do think the concept so far is very interesting, so I'm looking forward to what you have in store next. I hope some of the advice makes sense and I wish you luck on future chapters!
Ty for the constructive criticism. I'll get to work on editing it so that there is clean paragraphs and new paragraphs between the speech, as well as taking away unnecessary caps. I'm glad you enjoyed my story, and new chapters are definently on their way!