Venia Silente

Inspectious. Good for napping.

Male
on the second floor's nest
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted 1 Week Ago
801 posts
10.7 Years
Bay, thanks for your reviewing. About the nickname, yeah, I like to do crazy things... I really don't know how did I come up with that... :P

I feel this story was a particular triumph for me. It's my first one-shot (I somehow keep stretching stories more than they need to be). Also the first time I wrote alternating perspectives for Pokémon characters, and very definitively my first time entering an English-language writing contest. I hope the fun times and the expectations I had writing this story have translated well in your's, and the other reviewers's, time reading it.

Grammar:8/10
For the most part you did fine in this part, at least to me as I’m not the best when it comes to grammar. ^^; I do think a couple places you might have done misplace commas or forgot to put one, but don’t want to make the wrong assumptions here so the other judges might point them out. ^^;
Certainly, misplacement/misuse of commas is one of the things I still have to take care of to become a better writer. The rules are still a bit iffy to me, what with mixing commas with quotes, and even when I try there is something that darn comma that escapes me, which is one of the reasons I like to make fun of myself until I have the problem solved. I'm glad that there wasn't much misuse of commas here (apparently) to cause a greater decay in score. Grammar, of all things, was the section where I expected the lower score, maybe 5/10 or 6/10... I would have to wait and see what other reviewers, particularly Astinus, think about it.

Also thanks for the colon advise. I'll add it to the long list of stuff I have to triple-check next time.

Now if I can only find that "of"... *skims through pages...*

Literary Elements (plot, setting, characterization, etc.): 8/10
About the plot, the meadow scene was something I added in the last minute, which is why there are some minor (curiously, time-related) errors there, that either weren't important or no one noticed. For example: the positioning and perspective of the Fearow and Beedrill is all wrong when I describe them as "potentially breaking their necks".

All I wanted to convey there was the idea of a threat so sudden that you won't even know when it's done and gone, it's good to see you liked it.

Also, seems like you just want to get the description of the Pokemon right away. Part of writing is to try to have the actions done at a fast but gradual pace. Basically you can still have the physical appearance and the actions of the Pokemon be described, but in pieces and not in one big chunk.
I'll most likely redo the description of both characters to make sure to implement the active description you mention. I concur in that it read too "blocky", and I would like for it to read more natural and flowing, eventually.

Also, not sure why you have to bold Rapidash and Aracanine’s names. The readers will be able to figure out who the two main characters are.
Something senseless that came in the whim of the moment. I'll correct it. :D

Prompt:10/10
Plot-wise and prompt-wise, I was afraid I would overdo myself with the use of the prompt, and try to take so many different perspectives to it, that some of them would be lost to the eventual readers among that jungle. So I'm specially happy to receive a ten score in this particular category.

The whole "Sun as clock" stuff was intended to mark a turn of mood in the story: once the Sun is gone, Arcanine and Rapidash are essentially left alone to measure time as they please. Didn't work too well I think, but the concept of Sun as a measure of time still worked as expected.

I also would consider legends as time as those kind of stories would leave an impression for thousands of generations.
Thanks, that was the vision of "time" I wanted to focus the more on. The whole thing about the Pokémon legends took me much effort time to implement. Since it wouldn't be just enough to make mention of them, I had to derive from actual myths and have both characters ponder them in a serious-childish manner to imbue them with the significance they had for the characters: after all, although most Pokémon readers/player would know the "Dex-facts" about Arcanine and Rapidash, those entries do not convey the in-universe historical incidence I wanted.

Random fact: the title was one of the hardest decisions I had to take, since it would set up the characters's mood, but I think I did well. The original title was to be "Missing Leaps"; I changed it on a whim after seeing how the characters' perceptions evolved according to the above paragraph, and then decided to write the Krabby scene to accompany it.

Again: thanks for your review, and thanks for taking your time. I'm proud of having made so far in this contest considering that this entry was filled with a of of first-times for me.
Venia Silente - Consulting Worldbuilder
Background... some day.
Fic stuff~

SWC Entries
: Playfield 2009 : Misaimed for Life 2014 : As They Were 2016 : Simpler than Magic 2017 : Beyond Today 2018 :

Other Releases
: Pseudo-Legendary : Silly human, romance is for Nidoran! (Valentine's : Tricks of the Love Fast (Valentine's) : Overlord (meow~) :
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