Lilly's Story

I have an idea for a fanfic...let just say it's not actually as Mary Sue-ish as it may appear...so here it goes!


Let's say there are three Universes. There's the Paralyzed Universe (Sounds Similar to a Paralyzed World, doesn't it? [This would be known as hell]). Then there's the Living Universe (This would be the one where you and I live in; it contains multiple galexies and planets and whatnot), and then there's the Everlasting Universe (Okay, I haven't actually thought of a name for the last one, but I'm working on it [This would be known as heaven]). I'm not going to tell you excatly how those three universes came to be yet, but I'll ppost that on here shortly.
And for each universe, there is a ruler. For now, I'll just let you guess the rulers for the Everlasting and Paralyzed Universes, but do you know the ruler of the Living Universe?
...
Done guessing? Alright, it's Arceus! Arceus guards the Living Universe from not just assults from the Paralyzed Universe (From demons [bad souls]), but Arceus also has the power to bring all souls back to life if their death was untimely/not supposed to happen that way (This doesn't happen often, so don't get freaked out).
I'm not quite finished with this post, but I have school soon and should be getting ready :)
Okay, now I can continue!

So allow me to explain how the Ruler of the Living Universe came to be. The rulers of the Paralyzed and Everlasting Universes were just always there; try to wrap your brain around that. When Life was created in the Living Universe and . . . well when life started to happen, it was decided that a guardian was essential to govern and protect the Living Universe. So, the two rulers created an Egg. The Egg hatched, and thus the birth of Arceus (And if you don't know what happens after the Egg hatches, check out the Library in the Sinnoh Region). The three guardians managed to balance each other's power out for a long, long time.

But one day (This is still way before Humans were created), the ruler of the Paralyzed Universe has the Demons (Souls deemed bad when their life as something alive ended) attack the Living Universe in the attempt to gain...area...and more bad souls, and manages to destroy Arceus as he tried to protect the Universe. The ruler of the Everlasting Universe barely manages to drive out the Bad Souls (thus saving the Living Universe), and from that point on the two Universes kept a close eye on each other.

Another day, long into the future (Awhile after humans are created) and some more fighting between the two Universes, the Everlasting Universe decided that Arceus really was needed to guard the Living Universe, because the ruler of the Everlasting Universe couldn't protect both efficiently. So Arceus was secretly re-created, but because he couldn't be created with the help of the Paralyzed Universe's ruler, he had some flaws; like he had to be born into a human. The ruler of the Everlasting Universe understood this, and deemed him still able to protect the Universe. So Arceus was re-born in the form of a human girl to the parents of Emily and Spencer Prescott, and she was christined Lilly Prescott.

Let me know if you want to hear me continue, because I know this is a lot of info right here!

I'm not quite finished with this post, but I have school soon and should be getting ready

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You know, I don't get you people and your preoccupation with rushing these things at the very beginning. You realise that you don't actually have a deadline right? Ergo, you don't need to rush things and can just polish the plot up it in a word document up before posting. The same is true for posting the first chapter of a new fanfiction. You don't actually have a deadline so why rush? On the other hand, once you've posted your chapter, you may want to set up a posting schedule so readers won't get turned off by irregular updates. But that's a story for another time.

Okay yeah, onto the reviewfeedback.

First off, I won't dwell on your setting, but I only want to say that it has been done. I'm not saying that, you know, your setting is cliche or anything. I'm just saying that it has been done before. However, since it's the crux of the story, I won't dwell on it.

On to more important matters, we have your plot.

So allow me to explain how the Ruler of the Living Universe came to be. The rulers of the Paralyzed and Everlasting Universes were just always there; try to wrap your brain around that. When Life was created in the Living Universe and . . . well when life started to happen, it was decided that a guardian was essential to govern and protect the Living Universe. So, the two rulers created an Egg.

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Here, you have both the rulers decide to create a ruler for the Living Universe to govern and protect it. I have no qualms about the word govern or the word protect at this point because I assume that what you meant was "to bring balance" or something like that. However, in the next bit, after the creation, you go on to say:

But one day (This is still way before Humans were created), the ruler of the Paralyzed Universe has the Demons (Souls deemed bad when their life as something alive ended) attack the Living Universe in the attempt to gain...area...and more bad souls, and manages to destroy Arceus as he tried to protect the Universe. The ruler of the Everlasting Universe barely manages to drive out the Bad Souls (thus saving the Living Universe), and from that point on the two Universes kept a close eye on each other.

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So basically, the Paralyzed Universe's ruler is destroying his own creation and throwing the whole system out of whack when it was he, in the first place, who collaborated with the Everlasting Universe's ruler to create Arceus because they both deemed the LU's ruler neccesary in the first place. It's a bit illogical don't you think? Also, since you've already established that the PU and EU's rulers are basically everlasting deities with no beginning or end, you can't go ahead and say that a new ruler was elected and he had different views regarding the treatment of the Living Universe. You're going to have to have a really solid reason as to the conflict, and I'm just not seeing that in your preview.

Besides that, I have a bit of a worry about the girl. I'm just afraid that the being born into a human girl bit is almost the same as a 'chosen one' plot, not that those are bad. So yeah, it'll be a bit harder to convince people otherwise.

Other than that, I can't say much. Good luck.

You know, I don't get you people and your preoccupation with rushing these things at the very beginning. You realise that you don't actually have a deadline right? Ergo, you don't need to rush things and can just polish the plot up it in a word document up before posting. The same is true for posting the first chapter of a new fanfiction. You don't actually have a deadline so why rush? On the other hand, once you've posted your chapter, you may want to set up a posting schedule so readers won't get turned off by irregular updates. But that's a story for another time.

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I understand, but my schedule is so hectic and disorganized as it is; I shouldn't even be on here right now. But you were a freshman once, too, right? Anyway, I'll see what I can do about polishing up my summary, although it's still not quite done, and I'll look into making a schedule.

First off, I won't dwell on your setting, but I only want to say that it has been done. I'm not saying that, you know, your setting is cliche or anything. I'm just saying that it has been done before. However, since it's the crux of the story, I won't dwell on it.

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Has this setting really been done before? That's a huge dissapointment . . . but I think the ideas stemming off of it are quite original . . . to my knowledge, anyway.

Here, you have both the rulers decide to create a ruler for the Living Universe to govern and protect it. I have no qualms about the word govern or the word protect at this point because I assume that what you meant was "to bring balance" or something like that.

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Thanks for clarifying :) Yes the ruler would balance the Living Universe and to a certain extent, create life as well (Which I probably should add; Arceus creates the first living thing(s) which was the intention of the other rulers because at that point all they were ruling was space . . .)

So basically, the Paralyzed Universe's ruler is destroying his own creation and throwing the whole system out of whack when it was he, in the first place, who collaborated with the Everlasting Universe's ruler to create Arceus because they both deemed the LU's ruler neccesary in the first place. It's a bit illogical don't you think? Also, since you've already established that the PU and EU's rulers are basically everlasting deities with no beginning or end, you can't go ahead and say that a new ruler was elected and he had different views regarding the treatment of the Living Universe. You're going to have to have a really solid reason as to the conflict, and I'm just not seeing that in your preview.

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I know it sounds weird, but in a nutshell that's what the ruler of the Paralyzed Universe does because he wants to rule over the living; for now, let's just say he's not satisfied with just ruling the evil spirits.
As for Lilly, and just to clarify, she's not the chosen one; she's Arceus. Nobody in particular was just chosen to become Arceus (well a person obviously), but it just was Arceus born in the form of a human infant. Nobody was chosen to be or to concieve Arceus. Yes she can speak to Pokemon (speaking of orginality. . .) and do other amazing things that I won't post at this time, but that's Arceus doing all that.
You seem like you know what you're talking about, so the criticism is highly appriciated. I wouldn't mind getting posts like this more often!
Thanks!

Lilly2 said:

I understand, but my schedule is so hectic and disorganized as it is; I shouldn't even be on here right now. But you were a freshman once, too, right?

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He means use a word processor program like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. By saving everything you work on to your own computer until you're done, you can put your thoughts in order without having to constantly edit or tell us you're not finished. This is generally a good idea because you're more likely to turn readers away if you tell them you'll edit later. To be a bit more specific, if you say that you'll edit later, it tells a reader that you just wrote something directly on the board without proofreading it or putting much thought into what you're saying. This tends to make readers feel uncomfortable because they start to think they won't be getting your best work. That and they'll feel like they'll get something more enjoyable from a thread made by an author who could post a finished chapter. No cliffhangers, errors, or shaky plots, you know? Granted, this is still an idea, but even when posting an idea to a forum, you'll want to make sure that you've written it all down on a word processor first before posting to give us the best impression. It is, after all, an advertisement for your work.

Yes, many of us have been freshmen before. Many of us have even been seniors. That's why we use word processors: because we don't have the time to get it down in one shot. So, we add to it offline when we can and post when it's done because who knows when we'll get a chance to edit?

Ah.

Oh, anything in a fanfic that I create is on pages, then gets posted on here; I'm not that disorganized! Haha . . . but yes I was just free-handing that idea. Thank you for clarifying :)

Haha, yeah. That's kind of our first instinct to tell fresh writers here. Take your time when writing. But I can fully understand why you posted as quickly as you did with your story idea. You just wanted to see if people would be interested or what they thought about the idea before you really really committed yourself to writing this story out.

Hey, PC will still be here when you do have the time to focus on your writing without the pressure of school over you. So take your time writing your story, focus on your schoolwork first, and then when you do have some free time, you can post your story.

What do you mean by "pages" though? Is that a program that I've just never heard of? Or is it what I'm thinking of, in which you write it in long-hand?

Wow, you're so understanding. And pages is almost like Word, but it comes with a Mac. I would much prefer Word to Pages because I'm more accustomed to working with that, but this is what I've got for now. I'm sorry I don't know what the term you mentioned is . . . I'm a novice when it comes to computers :)

Haha, thanks for explaining. I've only used a Mac once in my life for five minutes, so I don't know a thing about them. In return, I'll explain what I meant by "long-hand." That's what it's called when you write by hand with a paper and pen. It's getting to be a very outdated way to write. I still do it though, which is why my mind went there first.

Oh, but I guess since you write with Pages, then that means that you do know to take your time with your fanfic. That's why I figured you rushed with the first post of this thread, because you didn't have that written anywhere. All right.

So yeah. Looking forward to seeing your story. And good luck in school.

...Hilariously, while I usually use a PC, I'm using a Mac right now. I wasn't aware that they came with a word processor, though - I guess this one is just too old. XD That out of the way, I think it could probably work - the whole Universes thing does look interesting, though I will be very, very sad if you end this by saying that it will be a journey fic. You've got a perfectly good setup here, one that could carry a story easily on its own.

Hmm..

Yes, this is a Journey Fic (Which I still need to work out the time segments/placed traveled . . .), but the whole ruler-and-universes bit is going to play a role in almost everything the protagonist does. And it will become more prominent and embedded into the story as it goes on.

Yeah see the problem with journey fics is that they take obscenely long to write, plus you need to be fully dedicated to what you're doing.

Also, adding on to what Giratina said, the journey fic will be a bit dissapointing if you follow the standard Pokemon journey fic plotline. You know, gym badges and E4. If, however, you're going for a more traditional journey fic, in the style of Tolkien's LotR, this may show some promise. Though... this being the modern world, if it is, I don't see where the conlict lies.

For instance, you say that Lilly was born to human parents despite being a Pokemon deity am I right? So what happens next? And where does the conflict arise if she was created in secret. What did she do in her infant years before the journey? What do her parents know?

Take note that I have a million ideas on where this story might be headed, but I'm trying to be a better teacher here and not write your stories for you. I just ask these questions in order to prod you into developing your plot.

Mizan de la Plume Kuro said:

Also, adding on to what Giratina said, the journey fic will be a bit dissapointing if you follow the standard Pokemon journey fic plotline. You know, gym badges and E4.

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I'd like to add a why here, if that's all right.

See, the reason why journey fics aren't well-received is two-fold. First off, a lot of people have done them to the point where the beginnings end up a bit boring because we've all seen the same basic formula for opening chapters. (That is, character gets up, gets ready for the day, goes to get a Pokémon, leaves and immediately gets into shenanigans that will eventually lead to that character meeting the evil team they'll be fighting against for the majority of the fic. And that last part about the evil team is possible but not entirely uncommon.) As a result, you might not catch too many readers except people who adore standard journey fics, and even then, you'll need to work hard and spend a lot of time on your storyline to make your fic exciting in order to hold the people you've gotten thanks to the genre alone.

Second, if you follow the usual journey plotline, your fic might end up reading like a game. Of course, you never mentioned whether or not this takes place in a canon region (region in one of the official games -- Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, et cetera), so this might just be a moot point. Just saying that if you have Lilly go through Sinnoh exactly the same way as Dawn did in the games, you end up risking losing more readers because your audience will feel like they already know the basic storyline to your fic.

Now, I'm not saying you don't already know this, and I'm not necessarily giving you advice directly. I'm just saying this to clarify what Mizan said above because, well, not everyone knows why something would or wouldn't work.

Also to add, be careful about the second type of journey fic, the Chosen One fic. These start out reading like new trainer fics (same basic first chapters) but end with the character derailing their training journey after learning about their mystical destiny to save the world via special powers. This has also been done a lot before, particularly if the character essentially faces off against an evil organization bent on world destruction/conquest (via using more mystical powers to summon evil beings and whatnot) and especially if the final battle is essentially special powers vs. special powers in a brute-force royale with magic. Long-winded, I know, but the short version is that if you have a character go against an evil organization bent on world whatever through magic and if that character relies only on the fact that she's special to win the match... yeah, that's been done too.

Conversely, as Mizan said, if you have an epic LotR-style journey fic wherein the hero relies on a lot more than the fact that they have special powers, that's what hasn't been done yet. It's all about what you do with the plot, essentially, but think of it this way. If the end battle involves an evil team trying to do something that would screw over the entire universe and climaxes with your character relying purely on her special powers (as opposed to strategy/friends/her Pokémon) to curb-stomp the team to last century, you've probably got something that bunches of people have already done. However, if your journey fic involves a lot of character growth (in personality and skill) and if your end battle acknowledges that there's a lot more to this character than just her special abilities (by including said whatever else) or if your character doesn't go "OMG I'M SUPPOSED TO BE SAVING THE WORLD BECAUSE I'VE BEEN CHOSEN BY GODS" all the time, then you've got more of the LotR-style journey fic Mizan mentioned.

While your backstory is interesting, it's really just a backstory to the rest of the fic. Obviously, Lilly's probably going to be heavily involved in what you've said because she's Arceus, but it's hard to say where everything else is involved here. You could just as easily craft a story in which Lilly's not even a trainer at all and still have it be a journey fic with this background. It's just hard to say, and I know you probably don't want to give away too much due to spoilers.

Like Giratina said, the backstory looks interesting, but it's one of those things where it could either be really cool or sort of average, depending on what you plan on doing with it.

Okay since marching band has rendered my brain fried, I kind of went into sleep mode after the first few entries. But this is vaulable information, and I thank you for taking the time to enlighten me! Yes, there are various villans in this story (Team Rocket, Magma, etc.) but as I said in a previous post, the universes and rulers become more prominent and embedded into the story as Lilly ages. But based on what you're telling me, I'll consider changing that. As for what happens next, it looks as though I'll have to post that, because nobody (and I mean NOBODY!) is waking up one day and just recieving a Pokemon from a professor; I've seen that too many times already as well. In fact, I honestly think that nobody has done the beginning that I have intended for this story.
I will do my best to not make this sound like reading a game, but when it does sound like the games it will be much more descriptive and detailed . . .
If I missed anything, I'll be sure to get back to respond to it tomorrow afternoon.
And yes, this story is going to take A LONG time to create like mentioned in one of the posts above, but it's been worthwhile to me so far.
I also reccomend that you read my prologue (located in my signature), because if you're looking for something universe related, that's all located in the paralyzed universe ^.^
Again, I really appriciate all of this information! I'm becoming a better writer thanks to you guys :)

Right here is more of my idea.
After arguing with myself repeatedly over the past few hours today, I have finally agreed (yes, with myself) on something that will intertwine things even further . . . but I'm not sure if it's too spoiler-ish to post . . . oh well! You guys will probably shoot me down for this later, but I figured I'd at least try.

So everyone knows that Giovanni has a son by the name of Silver, right? Well let's say that Giovanni's wife (is she even his wife?) and Silver died while she was giving birth to him. This, obviously devastated Giovanni. The night before his wife(?) and son were to be interred (cremated, whatever strikes your fancy), the ruler of the Paralyzed Universe appears to him in a dream. In this dream, Giovanni is offered a deal; the ruler of the Paralyzed Universe would ressurect Silver (most likely unnamed at the time), and in exchange Giovanni would have to kill another person(?). Giovanni obviously agrees without hesitation, not knowing what else he's getting himself into.

So there you have it! These events are going to wind up intertwining Lilly, Silver, and Giovanni's lives. I can just see some of you readers getting your rifles and torches already . . .
But this isn't as bad as the other beginnings with little original dialogue/sense of personality and children waking up, getting their first pokemon, and starting a pokemon adventure.
That wasn't a question.