Darkinium Z

Dani California
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 15 Hours Ago
5,799 posts
13.6 Years
The first few parts of this chapter I already expected the boys to be crushed over Dresha's death. Probably will be a bit until they get better.

Hm, I admit Swift and Garon interrogating Seliph for the thousandth time is getting a bit tiresome. I already get that Seliph is too stubborn to get help and trust someone (and probably obsessed with that vital now). Seems like Swift will finally do something about that, though. There are a couple new tidbits though, like the grandfather and possible new location the boys will go.

Onto Pathos's scene. Oh boy that must be the most violent scene you've written so far. And whaaa Pathos killing Lorenzo. ;_;

On the grammar front, I noticed a few instances where you have more than one character speak in one paragraph. For instance:

“No, it’s not that Seliph.” Swift tried to explain but it was too late. Seliph walked to the door and opened it. “Tell Dolly whenever we decide what we’ll do next I’ll be there. Till then, I need some air from two finicky Norfairions breathing down my neck.”
This paragraph I would separate Swift and Seliph's dialogue in separate paragraphs.

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]