Thread: [Pokémon] Foul Play
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Old September 23rd, 2018 (11:35 AM). Edited September 23rd, 2018 by gimmepie.
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gimmepie gimmepie is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Australia
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Posts: 18,500
Keeping the chain going, this is a review for chapter three.

Before I get into the more complex stuff, you accidentally called Flygon a Flying type and it wouldn't hurt to proof again for missed words and the like. I only caught one instance, a missing "was" and I can't seem to find it again but I'm pretty sure it was there. I'll also say, and you already know this one is coming from talking earlier, that jumping around between settings too much is still an issue in this chapter. Getting into the more detailed stuff.

Guardian Deity of Ula’ula Island, dual grass and fairy type. Considered one of the laziest deities, but it could control plants and use its horns to do heavy damage. A drawing of Tapu Bulu depicted the Pokemon having a large shell with different marks and two large horns. Its lower body had a bell-like tail, and it strikes a huge resemblance to a bull. Grimsley absorbed that information for a moment, his finger tapping at that particular page. He was reminded of one of the legendary musketeers, Terrakion, also known for their great strength.
This particular paragraph jumped out at me both on my original read and when I went back through looking for the missing "was". Largely the fault of the first two lines, it feels quite clunky, almost like you're just listing things about Tapu Bulu instead of giving us an excerpt from the book or showing us Nanu reading it to himself. I think you should have made use of dialogue, inner dialogue or spoken, more and when showing us what was written within the book used a much more formal voice.

Through reading this, I realised that a lot of the things that bug me you could fix by improving on the same thing. Maybe it's just because my own writing is very description heavy, but I feel like if you worked on your descriptive writing it'd be a big plus to your work. When it comes to scenery and settings, you rely a lot on us knowing more or less what places look like in the games instead of actually describing what we're looking at. It makes it hard to imagine what your characters are seeing in a scaled-up more lifelike version of each location. For example, when Grimsley sees the city, you tell us he's shocked by how Johto-like it is and then just move on. This would have been the perfect place to describe in more detail the environment we're following the character through.

You do much the same thing with a lot of plot events. While the events in question tend to be insignificant really, you often just give us a list of things your character happened to do in a day, like we're reading their itinerary instead of following the character through their day. This is particularly notable in the Grimsley sections. I would advise you to either cut superfluous lists like that out where you can, or take more time to explore your characters exploring to give us a greater sense of the word. Basically, at any scale, spend more time exploring your world instead of frequently hopping from place to place just to keep things moving. Don't be afraid to break things up a bit more and to use space in your chapter to tell us the when, where, how and why instead of just the who and what.

Where I will continue to give you high praise though, is on your character work. The problem from the first chapter where your characters didn't feel like people is mostly gone from chapter three. Becky and the trainer with the Skarmory, mostly the latter, could still have been better. What impresses me though, and I've already said this, is that you are able to explore new sides to canon characters without distorting who they are meant to be. You've done a really good job of staying true to Grimsley, Nanu and Accerola where a lot of fan fic writers would have butchered them for the sake of their narrative.

You continue to write battle sequences very well also. Although the skirmish between Persian and Golduck was short-lived, it was immersive and exciting. The tension was there because we didn't know who was going to win and you didn't telegraph the result early on. You kept the writing short, snappy and descriptive too which always makes for a good battle. I noticed also that the same holds true to other action scenes like the mess with the kids, Grimsley and the Mimikyu when you really delve into them.

The only other thing bothering me is that the wormhole seems all but forgotten. Overall though this is still a good read and I'm finding it entertaining. Now that Nanu and Grimsley are together I'm excited to see how they interact with each other given their similarities and differences. Keep up the good work.
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