Yay, we've got juniors/7ths. Also, I noticed your valiant efforts, Zaiku. Most commendable, so...have an almond of awesomeness. *Gives almond* Don't eat it, though; it's only on loan. =O
Anyways, I promised comments on the profiles, so comment is what I shall do. Jyukai controls the lists, though, so you'll have to wait for her for approvals and placings. :3 Now then, let's see what we have here...
@Zaiku: Good, solid profile. You've covered all the essentials in both appearance and personality and the sample is equally good. (Less experienced peoples: this is what I'm going on about when I rave about standards >O) Personally, I also find the idea of a good old-fashioned feudal nation amidst the technology boom interesting. The only thing that struck me was that the family's decision to make a full lifestyle change was a bit sudden. I mean, earlier on his father in particular was proud about his son wanting to become a warrior, and now he wants to give that up? A bit of elaboration on the family's feelings surrounding this decision - particularly Ace's. He's a budding warrior and now he's told that they want to live in the peaceful modern world? I'd imagine that that's quite a big piece of news. - would have added depth. Like I said, though: this is not to say that there's anything wrong with the profile as is; I'm mostly trying to come up with suggestions for making something good better. Another that comes to mind is your use of language. I see that you're sticking to simple sentence structures and narrative techniques which you can handle, and that's good, but you seem to be skilled enough at trying your hand with some of the trickier ones as well. Consider using some more complex sentences (I.e. Less full stops, more connective punctuation like commas and semi-colons) and literary devices (such as metaphora and similes) to develop a clearer narrative voice and relieve the slight choppiness that parts of your writing suffer from; sometimes you have to experiment a little in order to improve so try them on for size and if they aren't your thing then act accordingly. :3 A word of warning, though: first tries with new literary devices and the like can end up less than elegant, so if you choose to go for this be prepared to put a bit more re-reading and revising effort than usual into your posts. Regardless, that's a clean 'A' for effort and attitude on your part. ;D
@Rena: I just noticed that you had finished your profile. Sorry, but I just don't have the time or energy for more criticism today. I'll get it done tomorrow, though; promise. :3
@Jyukai:
Utterly worthless, dunce class is for you! >O Yeah, that part was practically compulsory. Seriously, you're making this hard on me on purpose. Essential points are all covered in appearance, personality, and history and you're obviously paying attention to tone both within the sample and out, making the profile itself an enjoyable read. Use of language is varied and relevant so content-wise I really can't fault you (because honestly, I couldn't describe that shoe either). One thing I'll say, though: you're overworking those poor commas and at times it's disrupting the flow of your writing. To give an example:
Sanza was once a true vision of purity, her personality, was flawless, even if her appearance was a little shabbier then everyone else's
See how those commas are chopping up the sentence? The only one you really need is the one after 'purity'. Personally, I'd also axe the 'was' before 'flawless' since it would still be grammatically correct but a bit more elegant, but that's a point of semantics. Optionally, you could change the first comma into a semi-colon and the get rid of the comma after 'personality'. Commas are tricky to master since there seem to be more exceptions than rules, but as a rule of thumb: re-read your sentences nice and slow after typing everything out once. That way the redundant commas should stick out as they interrupt the reading just a little. Other than that, you really haven't given me much to pick on. Good job, as expected. :3
@Chigiri: Content-wise, well done, but the presentation...sorry, that's not quite as good. Fist off is the paragraphing issue Jyukai mentioned, I used to have problems with this too but you've really just got to assemble the patience to hit 'Enter' once in a while; it does a world of good for the tidiness and clarity of your posts. Second, you seem to have a problem with spell checker residue, with typos such as 'waste' instead of 'waist' and 'fallow' instead of 'follow'. Unfortunately, no spell checker in the world can help you with this so you'll just have to go about it the hard way; re-read your posts properly and machine-based mistakes like this should become obvious. When in doubt; consult a dictionary. Finally, as with Zaiku, you're posts are suffering from a bit of choppiness because of the way you structure your sentences. Give complex structures a go. ;3 Coolness points for the neat made-up country and using a sample with your own character.
@Chibi-chan: What can I say? Like the character, like the picture, and can't for the life of me find anything wrong with the profile content-wise
(Except that you were lazy with the sample, but that would be hypocritical). Style has also been established, so good for you. I'll get back to you when I find something constructive to say.
@ACC: Yeah, same thing basically, except that I'm going to give you a light but poignant reprimand about the 'History' field. I know histories are a pain at times, but it won't get any better if you just hide from them, so really...for future reference try paying extra attention to anything labeled 'History'. You've got the necessary stuff in there, but nothing beyond that which leaves it dwarfed in comparison to the rest. Other than that, good job. :3
@Phanima: Eighth is what your character is geared towards so eighth is what you get, and a strong eight it is. Very good profile quality all around (*Cough* ACC, take notes *Cough*). The only thing that really struck me here was the indent paragraphing in your sample; it's not directly wrong, but it would be great if you paragraphed with a full empty line at all times since it makes it look a bit neater. That's just a subjective viewpoint, though. ^^
@Iruka: Going to wait for the sample before I dare to say anything. xD
@Manaphy1128: since you seem to have problems with the profile this will be long. First off, spacing; leave a space after every punctuation mark. That's basic grammar. Your sentence structuring could also use some work; rather than typing out a lot of fragmented statements like in the appearance, try to make it a unified whole (Sort of as if you were telling a story about how your character looks). Also, never start a sentence with 'and', that's something only poets and famous novelists get away with; unfair, but true. Also, try to cut down on parenthesis remarks as they clutter up your writing. A few of them is okay; having them all over the place is not. Replacing some of the 'she's with another expression such as your character's name. Also, make sure that you cover everything essential about your character's appearance (as it is, we have no idea of what color her skin or eyes are, what shape the face is, if there are any particular characteristics or oddities that distinguish her from others etc.); the more details you give the better we can picture your character.
We also seem to have a slight setting clash. Electricity is a
new thing in Riven, thus video games don't exist (Heck, they don't even have electric lighting yet). This is also not set in the real world, so referencing to a real-world manga is sort of not a very good thing. Overall, use this:
Likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, quirks, habits, fears, hopes, and ambitions.
as a checklist for what should be addressed in 'personality' in some way. Currently, we've established a bit of likes and a bit of quirks but that's about it. We're going to need some more specifics: is she social or withdrawn? Loud or quiet? Temperamental or calm? Lazy or energetic? What's her favorite color? Does she have a sense of humor? 'Like a tomboy' in itself won't cover everything since there are many kinds of tomboys, and - come to think of it - this doesn't say that she's a tomboy in every respect, and if she isn't then some explanation as to what the non-tomboyish things are would be in order.
On the history: there is nothing universally 'normal' (my view of normal is probably different from yours). So normal for what? A high-born rich kid like Illya or a feudal-origin type like Ace? Try starting out with what social class she comes from, what kind of setting she grew up in (Posh mansion? Suburb? Mental institution? Cardboard box in someone's attic? It makes a huge difference.). What do her parents do for a living? How's her relationship with them? Does she have siblings? What about other family members? Why did she decide on studying magic in the first place? What was she like as a kid? Did she have friends? Anything about her childhood which she remembers particularly clearly or that changed her attitude about something? It doesn't need to be big and complicated; mundane events can be just as relevant.
Overall, I'd suggest taking a look at the other peoples' sign-ups here to see what kind of things you can mention in your profile, but I think this is enough to work on for one go. Don't be discouraged by the workload and feel free to ask if I left something unclear. ^-^
@Shaydeh: Mmmhmmm...it's pretty compact, but in reference to my earlier statement I can't hold that against you now, can I? xD What you
have written is certainly written well, but I'm left wishing there was a bit more of it (particularly at 'History' field. Maybe a bit of elaboration on what his coddled life was like, how and when he started exhibiting his metrosexual tendencies etc.) Definitely 8th year material, though. :3
Anyways: Fallen Angel and Rena: sorry but I don't have the time to finish my comments on your profiles today, so you'll have to wait a bit longer. They're on their way, though. I may also go more in depth on some of you then, as I may have overlooked some things. :3
