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Fanfiction of the Month (December): Hoenn Mirror World (v.3)

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Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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19
Years
hmwbanner3.png

You might?ve seen this story before, either the scripted original or the first revision. Well, after quite a bit of planning and help, I?m proud to say that I?m actually quite pleased with the end result of this version. This time around, I?m expecting this to become neither the next Shakespeare nor the next Soul Calibur. Heck, I?m not even expecting this to be the next Sonic X. What I am expecting of this story is to be (hopefully) an enjoyable one for its intended magical girl genre.

Special thanks go to Meitantei Isaac, Yamato-san, and ActOnThat for helping me with this.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
CHAPTER 1: The Dark Torchic
Three o? clock on a Friday afternoon was the next best thing to summer vacation. For two whole days, the children would not have to worry about coming to Littleroot Academy to read several pages in a textbook or do multiplication assignments. The weekend was near, and everyone talked over their plans.

However, one particular girl did not have this feeling. A black-haired girl with an orange ribbon in her hair walked down the steps like a zombie. She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children. She could not think of the upcoming weekend at all. Instead, the only thing on her mind was how she could have prevented a heartbreaking incident that she saw as the end of the world.

?Hey! Earth to Mariah!? said the voice of a boy.

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt, Mariah, snapped out of her trance. A boy in a wheelchair tried to look cheerful and rolled up to meet her at the bottom of the steps.

?Oh, hey, Mitch,? Mariah said unenthusiastically.

The brown-haired boy in the apricot shirt and charcoal sweat pants noticed Mariah?s troubled look. He could tell that even though two weeks had passed, Mariah was still in emotional pain. He looked at Mariah and down at the ground.

?So?? Mitch looked up to Mariah again. ?Anything you want to do over the weekend??

Mariah looked down at the ground. ?Not really,? she replied.

Just then, a girl with milk-chocolate hair who was about Mariah?s age joined the two. Her smile faded when she noticed that Mariah was depressed and Mitch appeared unsuccessful at striking up a conversation.

?Well, we?re pretty lively today,? the girl finally said.

The gloomy Mariah just sat down on the stairs.

?There?s got to be some way to have Mariah get over this,? Mitch said. ?Anything you have in mind, Lisa??

The girl in the pink shirt and jeans, Lisa, shook her head. Like Mitch, Lisa felt that her friend was depressed for too long, but nothing seemed to cheer her up. At one point, the two thought that going on a Pokemon journey together would be a good idea, but Mariah said that she was not interested in a trainer journey anymore. Regardless, Lisa thought about asking Mariah a second time, but Mitch shrugged. Before she could think any further on the matter, a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked past, but stopped when he saw the three.

?Oh, hey there, guys,? the boy said.

Mitch and Lisa turned to the newcomer. ?Hey, Brendan,? they said in unison.

Brendan reached into his pocket and pulled out four tickets for an anime convention. He handed a ticket to Mitch and Lisa, and Lisa?s coffee-colored eyes glistened in joy while Mitch appeared to be interested. Even the mention of an anime convention stirred interest in the currently depressed Mariah, who was surprised when Brendan handed her a ticket as well. In response, Mariah gave him a strange look, and Brendan?s face turned a pale red.

?Well, uh? I just thought it?d be a good idea if the four of us can go,? Brendan said, trying to cheer up Mariah. ?You know, to have fun and stuff.?

Mariah continued to look at the ticket. She thought that an event like this would be fun, and she seriously needed a happy moment to help her get over what happened.

Finally, Mariah nodded to Brendan. They, along with Mitch and Lisa, would be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.

***​

Mariah, Brendan, Mitch, and Lisa entered the large building as the doors closed behind them. The four of them saw the producers signing autographs to their many fans. Cosplayers stood out to the fans as well as interesting merchandise.

Lisa took out her backpack and got out a stack of autograph cards. Several stands appealed to her interest, but she could not decide on which one to go first. Finally, she just decided to go them as she passed by them. Mariah, Brendan, and Mitch also decided go to whatever stand that seemed interesting to them. After an hour, the four had bought merchandise from various series and a lot of signed autograph cards. They met near a soda machine to talk about what they were going to do next when Brendan looked at his watch.

?Oh, shoot!? he said after seeing the time. ?I?m late!?

Mariah cocked her head in confusion. ?Late for what??

Brendan stopped and turned to Mariah. ?Uh, I?? he said with a nervous laugh, ?My dad needed me for something, and I almost forgot about it. You guys go on without me!? And with that, Brendan left.

Mariah just stood there. Brendan usually did not go to his father?s lab this early on a Saturday. What was going on? Did something come up in Professor Birch?s research that needed special attention?

"Hey, Mariah! Take a look at this!" Lisa said, interrupting Mariah's thoughts.

Mariah spun around and saw something that brought a smile to her face: a stand for an anime series called ?Mimi and the Magical Mirror?. The poster for the series had a blond-haired girl in a witch-like outfit flying out of a golden mirror with wings. Beside her was a blue-eyed butterfly Pokemon whose yellow, black, blue and red wings matched the color scheme of the girl?s outfit.

?How cute!? Mariah said with a giggle.

Lisa knew how much Mariah liked magical girl series, so she felt that Mariah would be interested. She also noticed how Mariah wasted no time in asking the series? creator questions. Mitch motioned to Lisa that Mariah would not want to be bothered, so the two of them left.

As Mariah listened to more about the series, she looked forward to seeing it. The plot about a young girl being magically fused with a Beautifly and entering a mirror world piqued her interest. She continued her conversation about the show when some gray fire-like pellets flew all over the surrounding area. Everyone immediately dropped the ground to avoid being hit. The sprinklers came on and sprouted water to put out the fires, but for some reason, the fire continued to burn.

Mariah worriedly looked around for her friends but had no luck. She did, however, found the attacker: a small, black chick with red eyes.

?Tor? chic?? the chick said in a dry, eerie voice.

Mariah wondered why a Pokemon like Torchic would attack a place. Normally, Torchic were kind, gentle, and playful Pokemon. This Torchic, however, appeared filled with anger and vengeance. Mariah felt that something was wrong, so she tried to approach it only to be blasted by more fire pellets. She ended up getting her wrist burned from the Ember attack, but her concern for the ?evil? Pokemon urged her to see what was wrong.

?TOR!? The black Torchic continued to shoot more fire pellets from its beak as Mariah started to get up. Mariah quickly sidestepped to avoid further harm and continued toward the Torchic.

?It?s okay,? Mariah said soothingly. ?I?m not going to hurt you.?

After a brief flinch by the water, the Torchic ran towards Mariah and pecked at her burn, causing her to wince in pain.

?What is with you?? Mariah demanded, sounding unintentionally harsh.

The Torchic gave her a dark glare and was surrounded in a black aura. A frightened Mariah tried to leave the convention to head to the Pokemon Center when the entire area was suddenly shrouded in darkness. Mariah called out for her friends several times, but no one responded.

?What are you?? Mariah asked the Torchic. ?What kind of a monster are you?!?

The Torchic just gave Mariah a sinister look as the entire area began to swirl as if everything was in a blender. The Torchic began to dissolve in Mariah?s arm as it let out one sinister laugh. Before Mariah could say anything, she collapsed on the floor?

***​

?Hey, Mariah! Mariah, wake up!?

Mariah slowly opened her eyes and saw Mitch and Lisa beside her. Sitting up in the lower half of a bunk bed, she noticed her surroundings and realized that she was not at the convention. Instead, she was in a small room in Petalburg City?s Pokemon Center. Just across from the bed Mariah was another bunk bed, and between the two beds was a nightstand.

?What happened?? Mariah asked her two friends. ?Where?s that weird Torchic??

?Torchic?? a confused Lisa asked.

?Yeah,? Mariah replied. ?A weird looking Torchic attacked me??

Both Mitch and Lisa looked at each other, wondering what happened to Mariah during the blackout. There was no way a Pokemon could have entered the building and attacked anyone.

?Sorry, Mariah,? Mitch said as he shook his head, ?but that?s a little hard to believe.?

Despite the statement, Mariah knew that Mitch, the type of person who believed in the saying ?innocent until proven guilty?, had a point. Mariah lacked any evidence other than the burn on her wrist, but even that did not prove much since a person can be burned by any Fire-type Pokemon.

However, why did the Torchic and the darkness fill Mariah with so much alarm?

?Well, it?s a good thing Mitch and I called our parents about this,? Lisa said as she checked her cell phone. ?They would?ve gone ballistic if we were out at this time of night without a good reason.?

?What time is it?? Mariah asked, looking out the window next to her. ?It seems pretty late.?

?It?s past eleven,? replied Mitch.

Mariah?s eyes grew in shock. ?Past eleven?!? She looked out the window again and sighed. ?Ugh? no wonder it?s dark.?

***​

The next day, Mariah, Mitch, and Lisa were at a small park in Route 101. The two girls sat on one of the benches while Mitch was in front of them.

?I?m sorry for ruining everything yesterday,? Mariah apologized.

?Aw, don?t worry about it, Mariah,? said Lisa. ?We had fun while it lasted.?

Mariah nodded. ?Yeah, you?re right. I had a good time myself.?

Mariah?s friends realized that she was gradually going back to her typical cheery self. Perhaps the short time at the anime convention was what she needed. After all, no one could stay unhappy forever.

?So, you guys want to hang out at my place?? Lisa asked with a smile. ?I?ve got this awesome movie that you guys are going to love.?

Mitch thought for a moment, but Mariah hurriedly got up.

?I?ve almost forgot!? said Mariah. ?I just remembered that Brendan called me a while ago and wanted to meet him in Professor Birch?s lab! I?ve gotta get going!?

With that, Mariah rushed off with a flabbergasted Lisa right behind her. Mitch sighed before he started to roll himself.

?I knew I should?ve asked Mom and Dad for a motor,? Mitch mumbled. ?At least then I could keep a decent pace with those two. Well, most of the time.?

The three did not take long to arrive back in Littleroot Town. Mariah immediately headed to the lab and knocked on the door. Lisa arrived, and finally Mitch with sore arms from trying to catch up with the girls in his wheelchair. After another set of knocks from Mariah, a man in a lab coat opened the door.

?Professor Birch, is Brendan here?? inquired Mariah.

?He?s waiting for you,? Birch replied. ?In fact, all of us are.?

??All of us??? Mariah stared at Birch.

?Yeah,? Birch said with a smile. ?Come in.?

The three friends walked into the lab, and what waited for them was unexpected. Brendan walked up to Mariah and handed her a sphere with a button on it. Mariah pressed it, and the ball opened. A white light poured out of it and formed into a green lizard Pokemon.

?Treecko,? said the Pokemon as he looked at Mariah.

It took a while for Mariah to figure out what was going on, but once it dawned on her, she noticed her father and grandmother sitting at the desk behind Brendan. She smiled weakly at them.

?So, Mariah, do you like your surprise?? the father asked.

Mariah could not answer the question. She always wanted to go on a Pokemon journey, but she did not want to leave at the moment she turned ten. She planned to leave in order to celebrate a special moment? which would never happen.

?Mariah, I understand that what happened two weeks ago was painful for you,? her grandmother said. ?But your father and I planned this for quite some time now. We?ve talked to Professor Birch about how a trainer journey would help you get over the incident.?

There was no response. Even though the intention was good, Mariah felt that going on a journey would do her more harm than good. The incident might reoccur with her Pokemon, causing them to be seriously injured or worse. She could easily tell them that it would not be good for her to go on a journey, but something came to her mind. How would everyone feel if Mariah rejected this? All the time planning for this supposed-to-be joyful event would be wasted, and Mariah was not the kind of girl who would let something like this go to waste.

Mariah looked at the Treecko, her longtime favorite Pokemon that she now met face to face. To her, Treecko was a Pokemon that was ready for adventures. Mariah felt that way, but then that sense of adventure faded away during the two weeks. The Treecko was surprised to see Mariah kneel down on the floor and hug him.

?I?ll do it?? Mariah whispered to the Grass-type lizard. ?I?ll do it for their sake.?

With Treecko in her arms, she got up and looked at everyone around her.

?I?ll go on a Pokemon journey,? Mariah said.

Everyone felt relieved and happy for Mariah. Even Mitch and Lisa, who wanted to go with her but thought that she would prefer to go alone, felt that she would benefit from the journey.

?I always wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer,? said Mariah, trying to sound happy, ?but it wasn?t because that I love Pokemon, especially Grass-types. I also never considered doing it so I could be a Pokemon Master either. The reason I wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer was because of something special. There aren?t a lot of trainers in the Janvi family, but I?ll do my best to make the family proud? especially?? Mariah slightly choked on the last word. ??Mom.?

***​

With her backpack on her back, a belt holding six Pokeballs around her waist, and PokeNavi in hand, new Pokemon Trainer Mariah Janvi had arrived in Petalburg Woods in hopes of catching Pokemon.

The large trees nearly covered the view of the sky and had the support of their wide trunks firmly in the ground. Flowers and grass dotted the ground, and the scent of pine drifted into Mariah and Treecko?s noses. Suddenly, gray fire-like pellets headed toward the two of them, but they evaded the attack by jumping into a bush. As soon as the attack ended, the two looked around to make sure it was safe.

But it was not.

Mariah spotted a familiar Pokemon--the dark Torchic that had attacked her at the anime convention.

The Wood Gecko and the Chick Pokemon met eyes, and a battle appeared to be guaranteed to happen. However, Mariah did not want Treecko to have anything to do with the ominous Torchic. She quickly got out a Pokeball and aimed it at Treecko. A red beam was shot from the ball, but the Grass-type Wood Gecko avoided the beam and headed right for the Torchic.

?Treecko! Stop!? Mariah cried.

The Torchic once again used Ember at Treecko. It appeared the Treecko swiftly dodged them all, but the embers homed into Treecko and slammed into his back. A badly damaged Treecko landed on the ground, rendered unable to battle by just one attack. Mariah just gazed in horror at her fallen Pokemon.

?You okay?? she asked. Treecko whined.

The Torchic ran away, but it did not go unnoticed. Mariah recalled her injured Treecko back in his Pokeball and went after the Torchic. After a long chase, they reached the end of the forest where a rainbow light suddenly shone from the ground. Both Mariah and the Torchic had to close their eyes to avoid becoming blind. They lost their footing due to a sudden tremor, and they somehow started to fall into the quickly spreading light?

End of Chapter 1
 
Last edited:
135
Posts
19
Years
  • Seen Mar 2, 2014
To be honest, I dont really see a huge difference between this version and previous one. Its all right, but it doesnt really have me going "WOW!" yet. I thought their coudl have been a better transition scene from the schoolhouse to the anime convention, she arrived at the anime convention rather suddenly. Nice scene with the creator of Magic Mirror GIrl, put yourself in there I see, but it was also kind of random. You need more description and detail in parts of the chapter, especially the anime convention. It seemed rather rushed. The different scenes of teh chapter didn't fit together that well either. I personalyl liked the second revision the best.

Not your best work. 5/10
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
IceKing said:
To be honest, I dont really see a huge difference between this version and previous one. Its all right, but it doesnt really have me going "WOW!" yet. I thought their coudl have been a better transition scene from the schoolhouse to the anime convention, she arrived at the anime convention rather suddenly. Nice scene with the creator of Magic Mirror GIrl, put yourself in there I see, but it was also kind of random. You need more description and detail in parts of the chapter, especially the anime convention. It seemed rather rushed. The different scenes of teh chapter didn't fit together that well either. I personalyl liked the second revision the best.

Not your best work. 5/10
I will admit that it's slow paced, but that's because the pacing in the scripted version and the last revision was horrible. I'm surprised that no one other than Yamato-san and frostweaver pointed this out. Compare this first chapter with the one of the last revision. In both that and the scripted version, I had Mariah get her first Pokemon, end up Mirror Hoenn, meet Mirror Mariah, battle three Poochyena (which was pretty stupid and unrealistic after I took a good look at that), transform, and defeat a Magma Sorceror all in one chapter. I don't know about you, but I've realized that it was WAY too much to pack into one chapter.

Also, the last revision wasn't all that a revision at all until chapter 4. Another thing that was pointed out to me that it may be possible for someone to read up to chapter 3 and lose interest reading it. After I read the scripted version of Pocket Monster Chronicles and the old version, I realized that the last HMW "revision" was more of a pathetic conversion from script to narrative.

I hope I haven't offended you, but I just had to give my two cents.
 

Miyu-chan

.::f l o w e r g i r l::.
5,956
Posts
20
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  • Age 35
  • Seen Apr 23, 2014
Wow, I love this version. You've defiantly came a long way.

Adding the anime convention was a nice plus, I can't wait to see where the Mirror world comes in place.

However... I think I've figured out something... about your decription... try to use other terms to describe your character, it gets confusing when I see the same terms/words/colors applying to many different people. EX:
However, one particular girl did not have this feeling. A black-haired girl with an orange ribbon in her hair walked down the steps like a zombie. She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children. She could not think of the upcoming weekend at all. Instead, the only thing on her mind was how she could have prevented a heartbreaking incident that she saw as the end of the world.

?Hey! Earth to Mariah!? said the voice of a boy.

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt snapped out of her trance. A boy in a wheelchair, trying to look cheerful, rolled up to meet her at the bottom of the steps.

?Oh, hey, Mitch,? Mariah said without much enthusiasm.

The brown-haired boy in the orange (term appeared twice. o.o I suggest possibly replacing the orange in Mariah's ribbon to -> apricot?) shirt and black (Term appeared twice, again... substitute it with perhaps... charcoal?) sweat pants noticed Mariah?s troubled look. He could tell that even though two weeks have passed, Mariah was still in emotional pain. He looked at Mariah and down at the ground.

?So?? Mitch looked up to Mariah again. ?Anything you want to do over the weekend??

Mariah looked down on the ground. ?Not really,? she replied.

Just then, a dark brown-haired (Also try re-arranging your wording. Maybe.. "a girl with hair the color of milk chocolate"?) girl who was about Mariah?s age joined the two. Her smile faded when she noticed that Mariah was depressed and Mitch appeared unsuccessful in making a successful topic.

?Well, we?re pretty lively today,? the girl finally said.

The gloomy Mariah just sat down on the stairs.

?There?s got to be some way to have Mariah get over this,? Mitch said, ?Anything you have in mind, Lisa??

The dark brown-haired girl (no need to state this twice. o.o) in the pink shirt and jeans shook her head. Like Mitch, Lisa felt that her friend was depressed for too long, but nothing seemed to cheer her up. At one point, the two thought that going on a Pokemon Journey together would be a good idea, but Mariah said that she was not interested in a trainer journey anymore. Regardless, Lisa thought about asking Mariah a second time, but Mitch shrugged. Before she could think any further on the matter, a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked by until he saw the three.

Anyways... http://thesaurus.reference.com/ are our friends. xD My suggestions are just suggestions, but I personally feel that it'll make the reading smoother. xD

Can't wait for the next one. x3
 

Shuko

Atena, WIN!
594
Posts
19
Years
Wow! I like it! I think that the way that you set up your character was very well-done; she has a lot of depth and facets in her personality that jive well together. Although her moods shifted a bit from one scene to another, it wasn't drastic, and it wasn't out of place. I never got to see the earlier revisions, but this one looks to me like it's coming along swimmingly.

Now for the nitpicky stuf. :P First of all, I did notice a few tiny grammatical errors here and there. I'll give you only one example, though I didn't find too many:

Finally, Mariah nodded to Brendan. They, along with Mitch and Lisa, will be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.

I saw this more than twice. You've missed your tenses in a couple of places. As in this example, you'd set this paragraph in the past tense, and you were having Mariah reflect on an event that would happen in the future. I can't exactly remember the gramatical term for that tense, but I believe your verb should have been phrased thus: would be going. You could also use "were going to go," but that sounds kind of silly, doesn't it? Lol. Anyway, that's one of a few occurrences. I won't list more. You'll be able to find them yourself. ^_~

All in all, I think it's turning out to be a very solid story. If I was the one writing it, I'd go ahead and move on to the next chapter. That way you wouldn't have to keep me waiting. >=3
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
Thanks, Miyu-chan and Shuko. I really wanted to make sure that this version stands out the most. Hopefully, I'm setting my standards higher than I did when I was writing the other two versions.

MARIAH'S CURRENT POKEMON: Treecko

CHAPTER 2: Where am I?
After what seemed like an endless fall, Mariah woke up and found herself in the middle of a dirt path separating several patches of grass. She wondered how the bizarre light had taken her out of Petalburg Forest and into wherever she was. Using her PokeNavi to find out where she was seemed like a good idea. When she reached for her backpack, however, her eyes grew wide in shock.

?Huh?! Where?d my backpack go?!?

Mariah frantically looked around her to see where she dropped her backpack, but she failed to find it. Could she have lost it in the portal? Even worse, what if the Torchic stole it? She started to feel furious, but then she noticed that the Torchic was not around. After calling for it a few times, she sighed. She had just started on her journey, and already things were going wrong. Her Treecko was badly injured, and now she was in the middle of nowhere.

Treecko suddenly came to Mariah?s mind again, and she immediately felt around her waist. Thankfully, her Pokeballs were not lost, and she sighed in relief. Still, it was not enough to make her feel better about the situation. Where was she? What happened to her backpack and the Torchic? Would she be able to have Treecko healed before it was too late?

?Hey, there,? a cheery voice said. ?Why do you look so sad??

Mariah turned behind her to see a pink-haired girl jogging in place.

?Hi,? Mariah said. ?Do you know where I could find a Pokemon Center??

The girl stopped jogging and gave Mariah a strange look. ?A Pokemon Center? What do you need those for? Can?t you heal your Pokemon yourself??

?Well, I don?t have any Potions on me,? Mariah replied.

?At least you have some Maxim Berries on you, right?? the girl asked.

Mariah raised an eyebrow. ?Maxim Berries? I don?t remember hearing about those.?

The girl could not believe that Mariah had never heard of Maxim Berries. Seeing that Mariah needed help, however, she reached into her cherry-colored hip bag and handed her five round berries, each a different color.

?You can find more of these all over the place.? The girl began to jog in place again. ?I?d love to tell you more, but I have to finish my jog. By the way, Littleroot Village isn?t too far from here. There aren?t any Pokemon Centers there, but perhaps Sorcerer Birch and his son might help you out with your problem in case the berries don?t work. Anyway, you need to be a little more careful when you?re in a tight spot. See ya!?

As the girl jogged out of view, Mariah felt uncomfortable about using the berries. They might help Treecko, but they might make his condition worse. Although the girl made it sound like they were safe and helpful, she did not want to take any unnecessary risks. She put the berries away in her skirt pocket and headed for Littleroot Town or, according to the girl, Littleroot Village.

Calling Littleroot Village did not make a lot of sense to Mariah. A village was less populated than a town, and it would seem strange if a lot of residents just moved out the moment she left. Whatever the case, the girl had assured her that Professor Birch and Brendan would be there to help her.

But then there was another thing that bothered Mariah. Sorcerer Birch? since when did Professor Birch specialized in magic? Professor Birch would not be the type of person who studied something like magic. Also, he never healed Pokemon unless it was an emergency because his fieldwork took up most of his time.

Eventually, Mariah arrived at Littleroot Village, but something astonished her upon her entry.

Unlike the familiar Littleroot Town, the houses in Littleroot Village were dome-shaped with windows, a chimney, and a door with a star-shaped knob. Upon closer inspection, they were no more than twice Mariah?s size. The mailboxes standing beside them were dome-shaped as well and bore a symbol of a star within a heart below the open slot. Mariah wondered what kind of place she was in until one particular building caught her eye. It was much bigger and was not half a giant sphere like the others, but vines covered the bottom area of the sides and the back. Wondering if that was where ?Sorcerer? Birch lived, Mariah headed to the building and knocked on the front door.

The sound of metal sliding made Mariah slightly step back. From an open slot peered a pair of familiar brown eyes.

?Who?s there?? a male voice asked.

Mariah recognized the voice right away. ?Brendan??

Suddenly, the slot closed, and the wooden door opened. There stood Brendan Birch, and he appeared rather surprised by Mariah?s appearance.

?G-g-guardian Mariah? I? uh?? Brendan?s face quickly turned red. ?Guardian Mariah, I never expected you to be here. P-please? come in. That is, if you want to.?

The place was getting stranger with each minute. Mariah just came to the village, and Brendan mistook her for a guardian of something. Still, she tried to explain the situation in Petalburg Woods to him, but he seemed a lot more confused than he was when he saw her.

?You want me to heal your Treecko?? Brendan asked with a raised brow. ?That?s weird. Being the Guardian of Hoenn, you should be able to heal your own Pokemon. Plus, I always thought that you had a Mudkip. And what?s this Petalburg Woods??

?I never had a Mudkip,? Mariah told him firmly but politely. ?And I can?t heal my Pokemon, so that?s why I came to you. Also, since when did you forget about Petalburg Woods? It?s the forest near Petalburg City.?

Brendan shook his head. ?The last time I checked, there?s no Petalburg City or Petalburg Woods here. There?s a Moonlight City near Petalburg Thicket. I think you?re referring to either that or the Petalburg Mansion.?

?There?s no Petalburg Mansion in Petalburg City!? Mariah replied.

?And there?s no Petalburg City here!? Brendan retorted. ?Are you sure that you?re the Guardian of Hoenn? I?m getting the impression that you?re a fake.?

Mariah sighed. ?Look, let?s just go in and have my Treecko healed, okay? I don?t want to waste time with an argument.?

Brendan just moaned before he entered the building. Mariah followed behind him.

The inside of the building was dimly lit by a single lamp dangling from the ceiling. Various books and liquids in beakers rested on a long wooden table, and a shelf with Pokeballs in holes stood against the metal wall. Mariah let out a soft gasp upon seeing her surroundings.

Brendan got out a small machine from under the table and opened its glass cover.

?Put your Treecko?s Pokeball in one of the holes,? Brendan told her.

Mariah took Treecko?s Pokeball from her belt and placed it on the lower left-hand hole. Brendan closed the machine, and a soft humming sound was heard, followed by a glow.

?It shouldn?t take too long,? said Brendan.

Mariah thought back to what happened a while ago. This Guardian of Hoenn that Brendan mentioned raised a lot of questions. Who was she, and how could someone like Mariah be easily mistaken for her? Also, it seemed that the Guardian had special healing powers, which Mariah tried to explain that she lacked. The Guardian sounded powerful from what she could figure out, but why would she have a Mudkip instead of powerful Pokemon?

Also, why were there places like Petalburg Mansion and Moonlight City? Those places never existed in Hoenn. Could the portal in Petalburg Woods have taken her to another world?

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. Mariah turned to see that the machine was slowly losing its glow. Brendan opened the case and gave Treecko?s Pokeball back to Mariah. Mariah sighed in relief and decided to let her Pokemon out. After the white light dimmed down, Mariah heard something she never expected to hear?

?Ahhh?? the Wood Gecko Pokemon sighed after a stretch. ?That felt really good.?

Mariah stared at Treecko in pure disbelief before fainting.

***​

A few hours later, Mariah slowly opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was that she was in a small room. On the bed with her were Treecko and a Pokemon with carroty fins on her face looking at her with concerned expressions.

?What? what happened?? said a dazed Mariah.

?You fainted,? said Treecko.

Mariah shot up and gaped at her talking Pokemon. It was not possible for Pokemon to talk at all, so the whole thing must be a dream? Was it?

?What?s the matter?? the blue Pokemon asked. ?You look like you?ve never seen Pokemon talk before.?

?I? haven?t?? Mariah replied in a shaky voice.

The Mudkip sighed. ?And I thought Brendan?s friend was strange??

Maxim Berries, Professor Birch into sorcery, dome-shaped houses, being mistaken for the Guardian of Hoenn, talking Pokemon? Mariah figured out that she was not even on Earth anymore. She was either in a parallel universe or a crazy dreamland? maybe a combination of both. One thing was for sure: she was not in the Hoenn she knew and loved.

?Just tell me one thing,? Mariah said to the Mudkip. ?Where am I? And how can Treecko talk??

?You?re in Hoenn,? said Brendan as he entered the room with a bowl of pink, red, yellow, and green candies with smiling faces on them. He placed the bowl on the nightstand, and Mudkip was the first to help herself. Treecko slightly hesitated but eventually took a taste and appeared to like it.

Mariah shook her head. ?That can?t be possible. The last time I checked, there were no Maxim Berries, Professor Birch couldn?t do magic, Littleroot Town didn?t look like a weird bubble bath, and I?m not the Guardian of Hoenn! I don?t know what happened in that portal in Petalburg Woods, but I know I?m not in Hoenn anymore. At least, not mine.?

Brendan was confused by this. The Hoenn that he knew had the things that Mariah mentioned, yet he was under the impression that she had never been here.

?So, tell me,? Brendan said, wanting to confirm his thoughts. ?Where exactly did you come from??

Mariah felt uneasy but felt this was her only chance to prove herself. She took a candy, and appeared pleased by its taste that spread with each chew. After eating it, she felt calm and turned to Brendan. ?I came from Littleroot Town in Hoenn,? she told him. ?I?ve just got my Treecko from Professor Birch. I was going to start my Pokemon Journey later, but everyone thought it?d be best if I go now. I didn?t want to upset them, so I went with it. I was hoping to capture and train a few Pokemon before I head off to the first Gym, but then this dark Torchic appeared. Treecko got badly hurt, so I had to get it healed. Suddenly, this weird light appeared, and the next thing I know, I?m here.?

?A dark Torchic?? Brendan said. ?Come to think of it, there have been some signs of a dark Torchic running around here as well.?

Mariah was now worried. Her Hoenn was not the only area that the dark Torchic roamed. However, the Hoenn that she was in right now was too unfamiliar, and she needed to know as much about it as possible in order to get closer to the Torchic.

?So, Brendan?? Mariah said, after taking a deep breath. ?What is this Hoenn like??

Brendan cleared his throat. ?Well, I?ve been traveling to help my dad out in his studies of Pokemon and magic ever since I?ve got my Mudkip. Seeing that you?ve recently got your Treecko, I?m guessing it?s a newborn.?

Treecko shook his head upon hearing Brendan?s last sentence. ?Not really. I was caught by some burly man in a white coat, but I remember being born more than half a year ago.?

?That?s weird,? Brendan replied, suddenly facing Treecko. ?New trainers usually start off with newborn Pokemon.? He turned back to Mariah. ?Also, this ?Gym? you?ve mentioned? Why do you go to it in your Hoenn??

?To earn a Gym Badge,? Mariah stated. ?If I get all eight, I can compete in the Hoenn League.?

?Well, if that?s the case, trainer journeys are a lot different here,? Brendan said. ?The purpose of a Pokemon Journey is to reflect on who you are. There are challenges that will test your strength, skill, wisdom, and courage. If you managed to complete them, you?ll get a Heart Star. Once you get all four, you can wish for anything that you want.?

Mariah became interested in these Heart Stars. However, going on the journey that Brendan mention sounded like a difficult challenge in itself. He did not mention anything about someone giving the challenges at all. Were these challenges given by nature itself?

Plus, why do trainers start out with newborn Pokemon? Mariah was under the impression that they depended on their parents, as well as being very weak at first. She then remembered, however, how easy to train newborns were, and how often they learn powerful moves inherited from parents. Despite all the benefits, she still found all of this a little hard to believe.

Brendan, studying Mariah?s expression, moaned. ?Maybe this should persuade you.?

He went into the other room and returned with a star-shaped mirror with a golden frame. He handed the mirror to Mariah. ?Star Oracle, show this girl her future!?

The frame began to glow brightly for a brief moment but died down just as quickly. Mariah was confused, and Brendan, peering from the side, was starting to worry. Just then, Mariah noticed a small crack at the top point of the mirror.

?Uh? Brendan?? Mariah began, pointing at the crack.

Brendan took the mirror and had a puzzled look on his face. ?This is weird. No wonder the Star Oracle couldn?t tell your fortune. How come it?s broken??

Mudkip and Treecko stopped eating the candies. ?Did you leave it next to the healing machine again?? Mudkip asked in slight annoyance.

?No, I didn?t,? said Brendan in embarrassment. ?It shouldn?t have broken this easily, though. I had it fixed last weekend.? He took another look at the crack. Even though it was not serious, he felt that it should be fixed as quickly as possible. Finally, he started to head out the door with Mudkip behind him, but stopped and turned to Mariah and Treecko.

?I?m going to see my dad to see if he can fix my Star Oracle,? Brendan told Mariah and Treecko. ?You can come along if you want.?

Feeling that it would be better than staying behind and doing nothing, Mariah and Treecko went with him.

***​

Walking down the dirt path with Brendan and his Mudkip, Mariah thought about the recent happenings. Being in a ?different? Hoenn was weird enough, but what really threw her off was how differently things worked. From what Brendan told her, Trainers did not get either a first stage Grass-, Fire-, or Water-type Pokemon from Sorcerer Birch. Also, it seemed that they did not battle Gyms, if they even existed in this Hoenn. Another thing was that mirrors that could predict the future surely did not exist in her Hoenn.

?Hold on,? Brendan said, suddenly stopping in his tracks. The fin on his Mudkip?s head wobbled back and forth a few times. Something was happening up ahead.

?What?s going on?? Mariah asked.

?Mudkip and I sense something,? replied Brendan. ?Doesn?t feel like any run-of-the-mill magic around here.? He turned to his Mudkip, but the mud fish Pokemon merely shrugged.

Mariah wondered if the Torchic had something to do with what Brendan and his Mudkip had just sensed. She was about to ask the two of them when she noticed that they had run off. Wasting no time, she and Treecko followed them to a large grassy field. The two children and Pokemon saw a large man in a robe being chased by a spiky raccoon and a small gray hyena.

?No!? the man cried. ?Stop it! Get away!?

Suddenly tripping over a rock and noticing he was under a cliff, the man grew uneasy as he saw no means of escaping from the two Pokemon. He motioned them to stay back, yet they slowly moved forward with intimidating looks.

?Fresh prey?? the raccoon Pokemon said with a hiss.

Unable to watch the situation any longer, Brendan ran towards the man with his Mudkip following him. The two opposing Pokemon saw Brendan upon his arrival, and Mudkip stepped up to battle.

?This isn?t normal at all,? Brendan said to himself. ?There?s something not right about that Poochyena and Zigzagoon? I sense something?evil from them??

?Hey, Brendan,? Mudkip said to her trainer. ?What?s your strategy? I can?t fight both of them by myself!?

Brendan, seeing that Mudkip was right, saw Mariah with her Treecko. ?Hey,? he said. ?Have your Treecko battle with my Mudkip! That way, it?ll be two against two!?

Treecko started to run off until he felt someone holding him by the tail. He turned to see who it was and became angry.

?What are you doing, Mariah?!? Treecko demanded.

?Sorry, Treecko, but I don?t want you to fight,? Mariah said sternly. ?I don?t want to get hurt like you did when that Torchic attacked you.?

Treecko clenched his fist. ?They need our help!?

Mariah shook her head in response. She knew that she should fight, but if the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were anything like the Torchic, then the incident would happen all over again. What if all the Pokemon in this Hoenn were like the Torchic? If that was the case, Mariah would have to protect Treecko with her life.

?Mudkip can?t handle this herself, you know!? Brendan snapped. ?You seriously need to get over whatever scared you and fight!?

?But that Torchic?? Mariah looked up at Brendan and then down at the ground. ?That Torchic is the reason I?m here in the first place. I really don?t want Treecko to be hurt. Please. I don?t want Treecko to fight.?

Brendan growled in frustration. ?Fine! Mudkip and I will handle this ourselves!?

Mudkip sorrowfully looked at Mariah holding Treecko back, and then turned back at her opponents.

?Okay, Mudkip,? Brendan said as he pointed ahead of him. ?Use your--?

Before the command came out of his mouth, a black aura surrounded the Poochyena. It leaped toward the unsuspecting Mudkip and slammed right into her with incredible force. The Pokemon landed right next to a stunned Brendan?s ankle, knocked out in one hit.

Mariah found the sheer power of the Tackle attack unbelievable. She, Brendan, Treecko, Mudkip, and Birch knew that something was obviously wrong.

?Dad,? Brendan said as he turned to the man in the robe. ?Why couldn?t you use your magic to stop those Pokemon??

?For some reason, it was suddenly sealed as soon as those Pokemon showed up,? replied the man.

Mariah could not believe it. If the man?s magic was sealed and Brendan?s Mudkip was defeated in a single hit, then she felt that she did the right thing in not letting Treecko fight. She sighed in relief until she saw that the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were approaching her.

?Run!? Brendan cried.

?Get away before it?s too late!? Brendan?s father yelled.

Mariah wanted to run, but she could not. Zigzagoon and Poochyena were right in front of her, and the dark auras flared around their bodies. Treecko tried to break free from Mariah?s grip, but his trainer just held on tighter and shut her eyes, hoping that she would wake up from this horrible dream.

?Frozen in fear?? the Poochyena said with an evil grin. ?It?s fun to see the prey squirm before you attack it??

The Poochyena opened its mouth, revealing many sharp teeth. Mariah shuddered, knowing that the Bite attack would do some serious, if not lethal, damage. She tried to get up and run again but was paralyzed out of fear.

Just then, there was a twinkle in the sky, and a bright light was shot at the Poochyena. The hyena Pokemon barely dodged it, and it looked up to see where it was coming from.

Another light fell from the sky, but instead it formed into another Mudkip. At first it appeared that the Mudkip attacked with the light, but it did not seem possible for him to have done so. Just then, what appeared to be an angel slowly descended from the sky and landed behind her Pokemon.

?You?? said the angel to Mariah, despite not facing her. ?Let?s battle these Pokemon.?

Mariah shook her head at this. ?Those Pokemon will knock your Mudkip out with just one attack! We don?t stand a chance! Besides, I don?t want Treecko to be hurt again!?

The angel looked at Mariah directly, and Mariah gasped in shock upon seeing the angel?s face. It was almost exactly like hers. In fact, the angel looked almost exactly like her.

?I already know how powerful these possessed Pokemon could be,? the angel continued. ?A little while ago, my Mudkip lost to a dark Torchic, but did I give up after that? Do I, the Guardian of Hoenn, just surrender to whoever?s behind this just because of a loss despite my type-advantage? Do I just sit in a dark corner and cry? No! I continue to investigate on the matter so I can learn more about what?s going on.?

Mariah loosened her grip on her Treecko?s tail.

?I don?t know about you,? Mariah?s angel-winged double told her, ?but I suggest that you at least help me out here.?

Mariah thought about what the angel just told her. Her refusal to help Brendan caused his Mudkip to get badly hurt. Even Treecko tried to make her realize that she should fight, yet the Wood Gecko Pokemon was held back because of the encounter with the black Torchic. Instead of learning from the incident, Mariah wanted to run away from it.

Mariah let go of Treecko?s tail, got up, and stood next to her angelic counterpart, whose Pokemon was ready to fight.

?Treecko,? Mariah said to her Pokemon. ?Let?s go.?

End of Chapter 2​
 
Last edited:
135
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  • Seen Mar 2, 2014
That chapter was much better in my opinion. My favorite part was how you portrayed Mariah's feelings of uncertainty in whether to let her Treeko battle or not. Emotions were pretty good. My gripe with this chapter was that I didnt really feel their reactions were that realistic. Woudlnt have Guardian Mariah freaked out when seeing her doppelganger? I know I would even if I was angelic. Seemed kinda rushed in places too. But overall this was still MUCH better and you are definetely improving. This fic really does interest me, I hope you continue.

6.5/10
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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19
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IceKing said:
My gripe with this chapter was that I didnt really feel their reactions were that realistic. Woudlnt have Guardian Mariah freaked out when seeing her doppelganger? I know I would even if I was angelic.
Well, that's going to be explained in a later chapter.
 

Lily

◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
3,329
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Hmm...not much to say considering other people said it for me. o_O;

However, it's true the Anime convention was a nice add-on, as well as your weaker points steadily growing stronger. Take in mind everything must not be described blatantly as possible, but with a variety of words. Like Miyu-chan kindly showed you, you seemed to use the same adjectives. Try to differentiate for once. It makes everything more enjoyable to read. ^^'

Others- You seem to confuse the present/past tense. >.>;

Well, the only real fault is your blunt details...try using a thesaurus, and help the reactions be portrayed with more emphasis. The good thing about this is, I still love the plot. ^^ I would love to see more of Mariah's reactions, though.

Nice job. =D
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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19
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Still can't believe that I have the problem with tense, description, and lack of emphasis...

Well, I'm glad that I'm improving in some areas of weakness. We'll should probably see how the next chapter fares.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
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MARIAH?S CURRENT POKEMON: Treecko

CHAPTER 3: The Magical Hoenn Mirror Girl
With a potentially tough battle ready to start on a small grass route, Mariah?s Treecko and the angel?s Mudkip were determined to win. Their foes showed indifference toward them as they took a step forward.

?Mudkip, use Water Gun on Zigzagoon now!? the angel commanded.

The mud fish let out a cry. He inhaled deeply and shot a small but powerful blast of water at the prickly raccoon. Zigzagoon, however, went into a sprinting position and leaped up almost immediately once the attack was just a foot away. Seeing the water splattering on the spot the Zigzagoon was, Mudkip stopped his attack.

?Treecko, use your Pound attack on Poochyena!? Mariah ordered.

Treecko nodded and jumped toward the gray hyena Pokemon. He quickly spun around to hit the Poochyena with his thick tail, but Poochyena retaliated by opening his mouth and clamping on Treecko?s tail with purple fangs. The Wood Gecko cried out in pain from the Poison Fang attack. After Poochyena let go of Treecko?s tail, Zigzagoon tackled the grass-type lizard, sending him skidding across the ground. Mudkip managed to help Treecko by getting into his path, catching him with his forepaws, and slowing him to a stop.

?You okay?? the Mudkip asked.

Treecko shook his head hard, but paused for a moment. He was surprised that he was still able to battle, whereas Brendan?s Mudkip was knocked out in one hit. He thought that it was luck at first, but then he recalled briefly feeling a strange, warm feeling a while ago. Still, he had to focus on the battle as the Zigzagoon and Poochyena, surrounded by strange dark auras, charged toward him and Mudkip. Fortunately, they evaded their opponents? assaults by jumping out of the way and landing behind them.

?Angel Mariah? knew that normal tactics would not work, so she turned to Mariah and whispered a plan in her ear. Mariah felt that the plan was risky but was willing to try anything since the battle was not in her favor.

?Okay, Mudkip,? said the angel, ?use Ice Ball on Poochyena now!?

?Got it!? Mudkip curled into a ball and rolled toward the furry hyena as a bluish-white glow surrounded his body. Seeing that his partner was the mud fish?s objective, Zigzagoon jumped into Mudkip?s path. He swatted his opponent back with his tail, and the force made Mudkip fly towards Treecko.

However, Mariah saw this as an opportunity to strike back. ?Treecko! Use Pound to send Mudkip back at Poochyena!?

Beginning to see the strategy, Treecko jumped up and hit Mudkip with his tail. Mudkip, still in ball form, zoomed straight toward Zigzagoon. The spiky raccoon could not counterattack, leaving him open for the Ice Ball attack to connect to his stomach. Mudkip bounced off, and Poochyena gaped as his partner, rendered unable to battle, landed next to him.

The gray hyena glared at his opponents. ?You?ll pay for this!?

The enraged Poochyena raced toward Mudkip with glowing purple fangs. Attempting to dodge, Mudkip hopped to the side, but Poochyena bit the unsuspecting Mudkip?s tail. Aside from wincing and moaning in pain, the Mudkip shivered violently from suddenly being poisoned.

?Mudkip, try a Water Gun!? the angel Mariah ordered.

?Treecko! Use Absorb to help out Mudkip!? Mariah said, seeing that Mudkip was in trouble.

The exhausted and poisoned Mudkip turned his head to face Poochyena, who was still clamped on his tail. He fired another stream of water from his mouth, but the Bite Pokemon let go of his tail and jumped out of the way from the attack.

Suddenly, Poochyena glowed a bright green and plunked to the ground. He wondered what was going on, for he could not be affected by Psychic-type attacks. He looked over to Treecko, who appeared to be inhaling through a large olive sphere in his mouth. The Bite Pokemon continued to grow weaker and weaker until he was unable to get back up.

Before Mariah and her angel twin could feel content with their win, a black vapor rose from the Pokemon and into the air. The vapor split apart and formed into bird-like creatures about the size of Mudkip. Almost immediately after forming, the ?birds? flew off into the distance.

?What? was? that??? Mariah asked in a shaky voice.

?Must be one of those warning signs,? the angel Mariah told her. She looked ahead in the direction the ?birds? were going as a red heart-shaped bag appeared in her hand. She then unzipped a star-shaped compartment of her bag and got out something similar to the Maxim Berries that Mariah had received. Without wasting another second, she kneeled down to her injured Pokemon and fed him the pink Maxim Berry. The mud fish, fully recovered, perked up.

The bag vanished, and a blue crystal Pokeball appeared in its place. ?You need a rest after that battle, Mudkip,? the angel said. ?We need to be at full strength in case we find another possessed Pokemon.? A shining beam shot out of the Pokeball?s button and made contact with Mudkip. The Pokemon transformed into a sparkling silhouette of light before it was reeled into the ball.

?So, uh?? Mariah began, evidently full of questions.

?My name?s Mariah, but I don?t have time to talk,? the angel said after clipping the marble-sized Pokeball onto her necklace. ?Those weird looking birds are heading toward the Oldale Shrine. If I?m lucky, I might find out who?s behind this.?

Mariah held out her hand and started to call for her, but the angel flew off before she could have a chance to say anything. Unfortunately, it was bad timing because she had a lot of questions to ask, mainly about the possessed Pokemon. Who actually possessed them, and how many of them have fallen victim to the mind control? How did being possessed by this individual give extra power to normally weak attacks like Tackle and Bite? What was the purpose of the vapor that transformed into a flock of birds?

The angelic look alike also came to Mariah?s mind. She looked a lot like Mariah and even shared the same name. This ?other Mariah? appeared to have heard of her before, yet Mariah did not know about her existence until recently. She appeared to be a strong Pokemon trainer as well compared to Mariah, who was just a beginner. Perhaps ?other Mariah? knew a lot, if not everything, about this ?Hoenn? since she was its Guardian.

Mariah?s mind was made up. In order to get the answers she needed, she must head to the Oldale Shrine.

As Mariah left with Treecko following, Brendan looked the direction they were headed and back at his father, who shook his head. In Brendan?s eyes, on the other hand, the birds appeared familiar?

***​

Mirror Mariah landed in front of a large dome-roofed shrine. None of the birds were in sight, much to her surprise and relief. She took a look around for anything suspicious before she entered the temple known as the Oldale Shrine.

The first thing Mirror Mariah saw upon entering was the outdoor light being reflected at her. After shielding her eyes and finding out what it was that was reflecting the light back at her, she followed the light with her steps echoing through the building as each foot landed on the marble floor.

She arrived in front of a mirror box on top of a platform. Opening the box revealed a golden wand with a winged Pokeball had six gems on the top red part on it, and with it were six marble-sized Pokeballs that were in different colors. She took the wand out of its box and looked at it sorrowfully until she suddenly heard soft, dark laughter. She quickly turned around.

?Who?s there?! Show yourself!?

A man, whose identity was partially concealed by the darkness, stood at the entrance. He and Mirror Mariah walked over to each other in the center of the building.

A ball of fire appeared in the man?s open palm upon seeing the Guardian, and its light revealed him to be wearing a red robe. Upon seeing a symbol of three mountains together making an ?M? on the robe, Mirror Mariah put the wand back into its box, and another wand with six clear diamonds dotted the top of a white, angel-winged Pokeball formed in her hand.

?What?s someone like you doing here?!? Mirror Mariah asked, ready to attack at any moment.

The man did not respond, but instead jumped back and threw the fireball right at his target. Mirror Mariah flew out of the way, but the fireball narrowly hit the feathery tip of her white, angel-like wings. She winced at the slight burn and saw that another fireball was heading toward her. She dodged again and fought back by shooting a bright beam from the wand?s diamonds. Unfortunately, the attack was negated when it made contact with a fiery dome-shaped shield. It dissolved when Mirror Mariah?s attack ended, revealing that it was the robed man who created the barrier.

?Do you think that weak little thing will be enough to stop me?? the man asked his airborne opponent. He shot a fireball at Mirror Mariah?s wand, and the flames covered it to the point where Mirror Mariah had to let it go. With her main weapon damaged, Mirror Mariah had to leave it for the time being and resort to using the other wand.

?I don?t have a clue why the Magma Magicians would want to destroy the Mirror Wand,? the Guardian said. ?Especially since it?s already in bad enough shape as it is after one of you stole it!?

The Magma Magician, ignoring Mirror Mariah, looked behind the Guardian to focus his attention on a large golden-framed mirror with wings. ?Yes? the ultimate goal for revenge against the Sovereign??

Upon hearing ?revenge? and ?sovereign?, the Guardian aimed the Mirror Wand right in the Magma Magician?s face. A blast of rainbow light erupted from the wand?s gems, and the crimson-robed magician yelled as he shut his eyes from the brightness. However, Mirror Mariah appeared to be unable to control the attack very well as it appeared that the rainbow light went in several different directions.

The Magma Magician, however, had something else in mind. He broke free from the rainbow attack and raised up his arm with the bare palm of his hand facing Mirror Mariah. At first, Mirror Mariah raised an eyebrow, wondering what her opponent was doing. Just then, all of the rainbow lights vanished. Mirror Mariah collapsed on the floor, pulled by a powerful force. Each time she tried to resist it, the force pulled her harder. She looked up to the Magma Magician only to have her head forcefully pulled on the ground.

Mirror Mariah felt a brief chill before a flash of light surrounded her. Her Pokeball barrettes and peach-colored ribbon vanished along with her angel wings. The white ribbon with a Pokeball in the middle faded away, and the pale rose sleeveless shirt and white skirt turned into a yellow shirt with a matching medium-length skirt. In place of white high-heeled shoes were plain butter-colored sandals. The light faded, and Mirror Mariah fell unconscious.

?The Guardian of Hoenn is a mere young girl without her powers,? said the Magma Magician with a sinister laugh, believing he had won. ?The first phase is complete.?

***​

Mariah and Treecko finally arrived at the Oldale Shrine, ever closer to finding the Guardian and the answers to their many questions about the bizarre world. After getting inside, however, Mariah and Treecko had to shield their eyes from a bright light. They quickly moved to the other side of the strange, dimly lit shrine and hid behind a marble pillar. Looking ahead, Mariah and Treecko saw an open mirror box on a platform. Mariah whispered to Treecko that she had never seen anything like a shrine in the middle of nowhere. The Wood Gecko felt the same, but then he pointed out something to Mariah.

The mirror Mariah, no longer in her angel form, lay on the ground with a burning wand beside her and another one in her hand. An eerie man in a red robe was approaching her. What happened to the mirror Mariah, and what did that man want from her? It could be possible that he would be after the Pokeball wand or maybe even the former angel Mariah herself, but why? Whatever the case, Mariah did not want the strange man to get either.

?Treecko,? Mariah whispered. ?Try to get that wand in that mirror Mariah?s hand, and try to put out that fire on the other one.?

The Wood Gecko nodded and jumped toward a wall. He crawled quickly and quietly past the scarlet-robed man and ended up next to the other Mariah. As the man took the wand out of former angel?s hand, he let out a soft, dark laugh.

?The legendary Mirror Wand?? the man said to himself. ?One of the special items the Sovereign made to keep peace in the Light Universe. Once it is destroyed along with the Golden Gateway, the darkness will--?

The man was suddenly interrupted by a blow in the stomach, causing him to fall to the ground and drop the wand. He dazedly searched for his attacker when he saw Treecko land in front of him.

?What??!? the man said. He remembered that he let go of the Mirror Wand, which was caught by Mariah. ?Hand over that wand!?

Mariah said nothing for a few moments. Whatever the reason the man had for the wand, she refused to surrender it to him. She saw the unconscious Guardian again and thought that the red robed man had something to do with this. Not only that she could not have any of her questions answered, but now new ones came to her mind. Who was the man, and why was he after the wand Mariah had in her hand? How did the other Mariah lose her angelic form? What was the Golden Gateway he mentioned earlier?

?Give me the Mirror Wand!? the man demanded again.

The six gems on the Mirror Wand glow, and a burst of light filled the room before dimming down a few seconds. When the man?s sight returned, he noticed that not only Mirror Mariah?s wand was no longer burning, but also that Mariah had left the shrine.

***​

After a long while of running, Mariah?s and Treecko?s legs became sore, and her breathing grew short and labored. Fortunately, she went into a small forest area and saw a large bush. She went into the bush to rest and catch her breath. She got out Treecko?s Pokeball, and the orb shot a red beam at Treecko that transformed him into a red light before pulling him into the ball.

Nothing was going right for Mariah. She did not mind going on a Pokemon journey but ending up in another world was another story altogether, especially if the world was a lot like hers. Despite that, there were a lot of things that she was not sure of at all. She thought that the Guardian, which looked a lot like her, would help her out. She began to cry a little.

If there was one thing Mariah wanted, it was a way to stop this whole mess from happening, or at least a way back to her world.

Suddenly, the sound of an explosion and heat creeping up behind her interrupted Mariah?s thoughts. She quickly got out of the bush and saw a burning tree branch fall on the ground.

?Did you think you could get away from me THAT easily??

Mariah looked up and saw the robed man slowly descending from the ground. She shrunk back against a tree stump. ?What are you exactly?? she asked in a shaky voice.

The man laughed. ?You?ll find out soon enough--after not only Hoenn, but also the entire Light Universe ceases to exist. There will be a time where I don?t need this Magma Magician or anyone else in particular.?

The Light Universe?? Could it be that the Hoenn Mariah was in be part of this Light Universe? Why would this man want to destroy it? What did he mean that he ?did not need the Magma Magician?? No one else was around except for Mariah and the creepy red-robed man. However, seeing the mountains made into an ?M? on the robe gave her a clue that, vaguely recalling a team called Team Magma in her Hoenn, he could be the Magma Magician. On the other hand, it would not make sense at all. Why would he consider himself useless to rule this Light Universe?

?You probably will not be around that long,? the crimson robed man said in a sinister tone. ?I know you are involved in this plan of the Guardian?s, but it will fail now!?

The man outstretched his arms, and black fireballs formed in his palms.

?I?m not involved in anything!? Mariah said. ?I don?t even know what?s going--?

A barrage of smaller fireballs was shot at Mariah, who narrowly dodged them by ducking at the last minute.

?Just tell me what is going on!? Mariah said.

?Hand over the Mirror Wand, and I will let you go,? the man told her, disregarding her response.

Mariah, hoping that the man would tell her everything she needed to know and seeing what he could do, nervously held the Wand out to him. The man smiled and walked up toward her. Just when he was able to take it, however, the gems emitted a blast of light. He stumbled back as he rubbed his eyes. Obviously not intending that to happen, Mariah shrunk back against a rock.

Believing that Mariah would not hand over the Mirror Wand, the enraged man raised his hand over his head. The entire area was lit up by a fireball that increased in size and changed from an orange yellow to black. Before Mariah could react, long whip-like streams of fire rose out of the fireball and tried to ensnare her. Mariah made a few narrow dodges, but then she found herself surrounded.

Mariah thought that sending Treecko would not be a good idea since Grass-types were not the best Pokemon to use against Fire attacks. However, she really did not have much of a choice. Yet when she got out Treecko?s Pokeball, the Mirror Wand began to react. Mariah?s eyes briefly glowed a bright green before she jumped into air and landed on a nearby tree.

?W? what happened?? Mariah asked. She noticed that she was holding on to the tree with great ease.

The frustrated man once again had the giant fireball shoot out whip-like fire streams at Mariah, but she was able to dodge by jumping from tree to tree. However, she knew that she could only dodge like that for so long. Even with this sudden power, there was no way for her to beat her opponent.

Suddenly, the wings of the Mirror Wand gave off a faint glow. Perhaps it had something that could help Mariah beat the robed man if not help her get away.

On the other hand, something stopped Mariah. As the glow continued, she felt something within her calling out to her. She thought it was someone talking to her through the wand, so she pointed the wand toward her. However, she felt a strange power going through to her.

?Rain? Rain?? Mariah did not know what was happening to her or why words were coming into her head. She never remembered a time in her life this had happened to her, yet?

?Rainbow Magic, give me power to protect all from danger!?

The Mirror Wand?s gems began glowing one by one, and a flash of light surrounded Mariah once they were all lit up. She suddenly felt like she was floating in midair as her clothes suddenly vanished. Rainbow lights surrounded her body, and in place of the lights was a red shirt. Forming around her waist was a short white skirt, and on her feet appeared black high heels. Pokeball barrettes materialized in her hair, and large, round, white wings emerged from her back. The wand floated down into her hand, and another rainbow light surrounded her as she twirled around. The light homed into her chest and a black ribbon with yellow at the end and a Pokeball in the middle of the bow appeared on the shirt. After Mariah?s transformation finished, she felt solid ground again.

The man saw Mariah and clenched his fist in anger. ?I knew it! The Guardian had tricked me into thinking you were defenseless when all this time you could have transformed!?

Mariah, on the other hand, looked at her new clothes and wings in shock. She never expected to be a magical girl herself despite being a fan of a few series of the genre. To make matters worse, the enraged man believed that Mariah was involved in a trick and was ready to burn her to a crisp. She hoped that this was just a nightmare, but seeing that she had yet to wake up in her bed when the attacks were coming close, it seemed most unlikely.

Mariah did not understand this at all, but for some reason, she felt that she was left with no choice but to fight.

?For the sake of Hoenn, the magical Hoenn Mirror Girl make you pay for what you?ve done!? Mariah said as she aimed the Mirror Wand at the man.

The man laughed. ?Do not think that this ploy will last any longer. If I could easily steal the Guardian?s powers, there is no way that you could defeat me! I will be using this Magma Magician a bit longer than expected, but it will be for the best!?

With that, the Magma Magician made the giant fireball vanish. A much smaller fireball appeared in his hand, and he threw it at Mariah. Mariah evaded the attack by jumping into the air. Another fireball was heading toward Mariah, but she managed to dodge again by flying right. Two more fireballs were shot toward her, but Mariah flew in a zigzag pattern to evade them as well.

?Dodging will not help you forever!? The Magma Magician continued to shoot fireballs at Mariah. The self-proclaimed Hoenn Mirror Girl dodged the fireballs, but they landed on trees and bushes. Seeing more than enough damage being done to the burning plants, Mariah turned to the Magma Magician.

?Can you stop this already?!? Mariah said. ?The whole place will burn to the ground if you keep those attacks up!?

The Magma Magician just looked at her, his eyes having a glow of darkness in them. He did not care about the forest fire that he caused. He only cared about getting rid of Mariah. He shot a barrage of fireballs at Mariah, who attempted flying to dodge again. This time the fireballs followed her and managed to hit one of her wings. Knowing that flying with injured wings would leave her open for a major attack, Mariah was forced to land.

?Surrender the Mirror Wand, and I will get rid of the fire,? the Magma Magician said to her.

The Mirror Wand?s green gem lit up for a brief moment. As if being controlled by the wand, Mariah headed over to the Magma Magician. The unsuspecting crimson robed man was hit in the face with the Pokeball part of the Mirror Wand. Mariah backed off in surprise after she noticed that the Magma Magician almost fell from the force.

?How?? the Magma Magician said to himself. ?That?felt like a Pound attack. Humans able to use Pokemon attacks are rare and use a special kind of magic for that??

Mariah overheard the Magician, and she could not believe it either. Surely, she never had her current powers until the battle, and at this point it was unbelievable. There was no time to think about it, however. Due to the pain caused from her burnt wing, she felt that attacking from a distance would be safer.

?At first, by your resemblance to the Guardian, I thought it was all but a clever ploy,? the Magma Magician told Mariah. ?However, you really do not know what just happened or do not understand my intentions.?

Mariah sighed. ?That?s what I?ve been trying to tell you! I?m not even from this weird mirror Hoenn! I just want to talk to the Guardian about how to get back home!?

The Magma Magician gave Mariah a dark glare along with a laugh. ?My child? you will not have a home to go back to.?

He raised both of his arms, and large rocks rose from the ground. Mariah managed to get out of the way from the rocks but suddenly stopped when she felt two of the rocks holding her wings between them, and the stinging burn hurt more than it was earlier. Feeling that she was down to her last option, she held the Mirror Wand out at the Magma Magician and hoped something would happen. The crimson robed man, however, thought that Mariah was surrendering it to him. That was, until he started glow green and collapsed on the ground.

?WHAT?!? he yelled, feeling his energy slowly leaving him. ?What is? going on??

Mariah wondered what was happening as well. She felt energy slowly coming to her for a brief moment before she was at full strength, but it did not help much since she was unable to move. Still, she had a chance at defeating her opponent, and maybe that would free her from the rocks and stop the fire.

Just then, a black vapor similar to the one that left the Zigzagoon and Poochyena came out of the Magma Magician. Instead of splitting into smaller birds, however, it became one large bird with red eyes.

?Consider this a draw! I will return to get my revenge on you, the Guardian, and the Sovereign!? The bird flew off.

The Mirror Wand?s gems let out a bright rainbow colored light that surrounded the area. Within a matter of minutes, all the plants and trees were the way they were before the fight started. The rocks that were holding back Mariah?s wings also vanished along with the others. Mariah looked at the Mirror Wand and wondered what happened when she saw the Magma Magician waking up.

?W? what happened?? the crimson-robed man asked Mariah. ?I received a message that the team wanted me to meet at the Oldale Shrine. Was anyone else there besides me? And how did I get here??

The Oldale Shrine? that was where the Guardian was! Mariah wanted to ask her what she needed to know about this world, yet she was held up by a battle from the Magma Magician, who appeared to be controlled by something throughout the battle. It probably would not do her much good if she asked him. She ran off, but stopped and turned back to the robed man and explained everything to him. The Magma Magician seemed surprised by what happened but said that he did not intend to hurt the Mariah or the Guardian at all. Then, he left, saying that he had to take care of some business.

?At least I could find out what?s going on,? Mariah said to herself.

***​

Back at the Oldale Shrine, Mariah saw that her twin was still unconscious but safe. She woke her up. Mirror Mariah, Mariah?s name for her double, was taken aback from Mariah?s new look, but Mariah told the Guardian what happened between her and the Magma Magician.

?You transformed using the power of the Mirror Wand and managed to use Treecko?s attacks?? Mirror Mariah said after hearing her look-alike?s story.

?Yeah. Now, can you exactly tell me what is going on here?!? Mariah asked her harshly. ?I almost got killed out there!?

Mirror Mariah let out a slight, forced laugh until she realized that Mariah was actually serious and blushed. ?I couldn?t believe it when I found out that Lord Steven?s theory about another portion of the Light Universe being true for myself.?

?Lord Steven?? Mariah asked.

Before another word was said, the glass of the large golden mirror behind the two girls faded to black.

?Do not think that everything is resolved yet,? a dark voice told the two girls. ?Mars was a weakling, and I could not afford to lose to an outsider. However, I have just thought of another way to make my invasion complete??

Red cracks formed in the glass, and before the two girls knew it, there was a loud shattering sound. Following the noise, shards landed all over the floor and turned to stone, and eight of the shards suddenly transformed as they left the shrine and went in several different directions. There was evil laughter that echoed throughout the shrine.

?If I cannot destroy the Wand, I could at least destroy the power source of Hoenn! Even if you do manage to restore the Golden Gateway, it will probably be too late! Still, it will be quite entertaining to see you two fail miserably!?

With that, the Golden Gateway?s frames and wings turned into a dull gray. Mariah felt that her only chance at going home had slipped away, but Mirror Mariah sighed in distraught.

?Why??? she said to herself. ?Why didn?t I see this before??

End of Chapter 3
 
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Orange_Flaaffy

Crystal Bell Keeper
340
Posts
19
Years
Hmm..I'm not first class reviewer, but I'll give this a shot:

Their foes showed indifference toward them as they took a step forward.

How did they show indifference? Did they try to pretend they weren?t there? Did they fix their hair? Did they keep playing their gameboy?
For all I know, they could be playing one...


Your writing is good, but it reads a bit...stiff. Like a manual sort of...
A good example is this:
The mud fish acted upon the order by inhaling deeply and shooting a small stream of water at the intended target

It just sounds a bit..wooden. Emotionless, as though you've gone over it so much it's lost that unnameable soul I often see in works...

Hearing the order, the mud fish replied with a cheerful cry. Inhaling deeply from the bright orange pouches inside his cheeks, the aqua pokemon shot a small column of pressurized water at the Zigzagoon with all the uncontrolled rage of a newly born waterfall.

I'm not saying mine is better, or even formated right, just that, remember to draw readers in with a bit more...feeling .

Anyway, I've most likely said too much or made you mad at me. ;) ..
But I'll pick up reveiwing the rest of this chapter in a couple days..
 
Last edited:
135
Posts
19
Years
  • Seen Mar 2, 2014
Ok, I fnally got around to reviewing this chapter! First off, I think the beginning to chapter three woudl have been better as an ending to chapter 2 because of the ending to the first part of chapter three. As for the battle, well I liked the way you used good strategy and junk but it felt kind of empty and I wasnt really feeling much emotion. I can imagine how confused Mariah must be at this point.


Second part, wow that was much much better. I felt more emotion in this battle especially as Mariah was stripped of her powers. One question though, if Mirror Mariah got a wand from teh shrine then what mirror wand that dissappeared was she talking about.

Third part, it was better than the first part but was still kind of weird. It kind of got reptitive with Mariah dodging at the last minute over and over again. Also I noticed you started sentences with She a bit too much in this paragraph

Nothing was going right for Mariah. She did not mind going on a Pokemon journey but ending up in another world was another story altogether, especially if the world was a lot like hers. Despite that, there were a lot of things that she was not sure of at all. She thought that the Guardian, which looked a lot like her, would help her out. She began to cry a little.

For a second there, it sounded like the Magma Magician in the forest was a new sorceror as well. Other than that, it wasnt that bad and pretty good with the way Normal Mariah turned into real Mariah and kicked butt with that wand. Im really hoping that this bird is not supposed to be dark lugia...


Last part was pretty good as well, although the whole two Mariah things is beginning to get confusing at parts. The breaking of the mirror makes this sound just like an RPG, I can hardly wait to see the Mariahs fight the gym leaders!

Ill give you one of my true reviews next chapter, good luck!
 

Negrek

Am I more than you bargained for yet?
339
Posts
18
Years
Well, my review of this was delayed a bit longer than expected due to my computer and other similarly evil entities. I will do a chapter-by-chapter review with a final summary at the end.

Chapter One: The Dark Torchic

She stared with blank, fudge-colored eyes at the other children.

I'm getting really tired of people describing brown eyes as being a color related to food. It gives a very weird mental image, IMO, and is often more distracting than descriptive. Brown eyes are fine, and anyway, this description begs the question, "What kind of fudge?"

The girl in the yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt snapped out of her trance.

I recognize that you're trying to vary your descriptions of people instead of just saying "the girl" all of the time, but as you haven't yet told us that the girl in question, Maria, has a yellow sleeveless shirt and skirt on, we are not yet sure who to attach this description to. Mitch could be talking to some completely different person for all we know at this point. Same thing at the beginning of the next paragraph.

He could tell that even though two weeks had passed,

-As Shuko pointed out, tense changes are one of your largest problems. Generally, you have problems with putting present tense verbs in instead of past tense verbs, though occasionally you go the other way around. Below is a tense change example.

Mariah looked down on the ground.

- This is a slightly odd wording. Generally, when you're looking down on something, you're scorning it or showing disdain for it, but this is not the case in this sentence. I think that the preposition at would be better to use in this case.

...Mitch appeared unsuccessful in making a successful topic.

- Unwieldy wording here. The unsuccessful/successful repetition is a bit stumbly, and also the phrase making a successful topic. It would probably be better to say that he was unsuccessful at striking up a conversation or something along those lines. Topics aren't something that you make, as a general rule; they're something that you select, come up with, or define.

"There?s got to be some way to have Mariah get over this," Mitch said, "Anything you have in mind, Lisa?"

- Though you're generally okay with punctuating quotes, you seem to be having some difficulty with these, where the speech is interrupted. Because "There's got to be some way to have Mariah get over this," and "Anything you have in mind, Lisa" are both complete sentences, you should have a period after "Mitch said." You only use the comma if you have an incomplete thought that is interrupted by something outside of the speech, then finished in the second set of quotation marks.

- I agree with Miyu-chan in that you should work on varying your descriptions of characters a bit more. Brown-haired people seem to show up quite a bit.

- Capitalizing Pokemon journey is another pet peeve of mine. To my eyes, it makes the idea sound unreasonably grandiose.

...a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked by until he saw the three.

Somewhat odd wording here. I assume that you meant he was walking by, but stopped once he noticed the three friends. However, you have him walking by, which implies that he completely missed the three people, but then he somehow saw them. Consider rewording this section; perhaps something like "...a white-haired boy in a red and black jacket walked past, but stopped when he saw the three."

Even the mention of an anime...

"Well, I just thought it?d be a good idea if the four of us can go," Brendan said, trying to cheer up Mariah, "You know, to have fun and stuff."

- Another example of broken dialogue that's been punctuated incorrectly; you need a period and not a comma after Mariah.

They, along with Mitch and Lisa, would be going to the anime convention in Petalburg City.

Cosplayers stood out for the fans as well as interesting merchandise.

- I think there's a bit of preposition confusion here. Instead of stood out for, it should be stood out to. For implies that the objects themselves are making an effort to stand out in order to attract the fan's attention, which makes sense for the cosplayers but not for the merchandise, it being inanimate and all. Standing out to switches the emphasis to the fans themselves and implies that they are noticing the cosplayers and merchandise.

Several stands appealed to her interest, but she could not decide on which one.

- Something's missing here. The way the sentence is now, several stands appeal to Mariah, but she couldn't decide which one was appealing to her. Perhaps change the last phrase to be, "could not decide on which one to go to first" or something like that.

After an hour, the four had brought merchandise from various series and a lot of signed autograph cards.

- Also, did you mean bought instead of brought in the sentence above?

Brendan usually did not go to his father?s lab this early on a Saturday.

- I don't believe that color scheme is hyphenated.

Before Mariah wanted to buy anything, she asked one final and important question on a fan?s mind:

The last phrase here doesn't make sense. You have the subject of the sentence being Mariah, but in the end you switch to a fan. I think you should change it to one final and important question that was on her mind.

That is, until my father, a well-known writer,[/B[ just turned it down.


...something as simple as a drawing...

Mariah started to think how she could put that advice to good use...

Everyone immediately hit the ground to avoid being hit.

- Hit-hit repetition here is awkward. Maybe try something like dropped to the ground to avoid being hit.

The Torchic tried to attack again, but it suddenly collapsed from exhaustion.

- Having the torchic drop from exhaustion right there seems a bit too contrived. I mean, all it's done is run in to the place, spew out some embers, and activate the sprinkler system. While I suppose that the water being spewed by the sprinklers would sap its power somewhat, I don't think that it would be enough to have it just keel over all of a sudden.

...one responded back.

- That's a redundancy because to respond means to answer back.

What was this Light Universe, and who was this Sovereign?

...and hope she would wake up soon.

...standing beside her.

...bits and pieces of their own name nor were naturally evil.

?innocent before proven guilty?

- It's more commonly known as innocent UNTIL proven guilty.

Also, there was the darkness, but anyone could see that as a blackout.[/QUOTE

But blackouts don't activate sprinklers.

However, why did the Torchic and the darkness fill Mariah with so much alarm?

- You never actually give any sort of explanation for the place where Mariah woke up. Where was it, exactly? The pok?mon center? A friend's house?

Lisa arrived, and finally Mitch with sore arms.

Why does he have sore arms?

...man in a lab coat opened the door.

She weakly smiled at them.

In most cases it's best for flow to put adverbs after the verbs that they described. Just be careful and listen to how the sentence sounds aloud. After doing so I think you'll agree that she smiled weakly sounds better than she weakly smiled.

...which would never happen.

- It sounds odd to refer to Mariah's grandmother as the grandmother as opposed to her grandmother in the next paragraph.

...for quite some time now.

Sometime is an adjective describing when you wish to do something, whereas some time is an adjective-noun combination describing an amount of time.

The incident might reoccur with her Pokemon...

The large trees nearly covered the view of the sky and had the support of their dark brown trunks firmly in the ground.

While it's nice to see you injecting a bit of environmental description here, the last phrase is sort of unnecessary. The fact that the trees have trunks that connect them to the ground is something that we assume unless told otherwise. Saying something about the shape of their trunks or their texture would be much more impactful, for example.

Flowers and grass dotted throughout the ground...

Remove throughout from this sentence, so that it reads grass dotted the ground. Throughout also implies within, as in "Chocolate chips were scattered throughout the cookie dough." Here you can guess that the chips are actually within the dough, whereas the grass and flowers in the sentence above are actually sprouting from the ground, not inside it.

They lost their footing due to a sudden tremor, and they somehow started to fall into the quickly spreading light...

- There are some odd sentences that are character dialogue, but I did not comment on them as they could be considered dialect sort of.

Overall, a fairly effective opening chapter. The anime convention, which I guess you just added this revision, probably seems random or unnecessary to people who read the prevoius versions, but it seems to me that it makes for an effective way to introduce the shadow torchic. The pace may still be a tad fast, but I think that by adding a bit more environmental description and explanation you can slow it down easily enough. There are a few things I noted that seemed like they weren't explained properly, and I think that some areas could use a bit more description. Professor Birch's lab, for example. I can understand a lack of description if you character has been there often before, but if this is her first time, think about the sort of stuff she would notice. Is there a lot of equiptment humming mysteriously in the background? Assistants hurrying about? Little details like are good ways to influence tone and slow down your story if it rolls along too fast.

Watch out for Mariah's feelings as a result of her mother's death. Parental death often leads to angst!Sues, so be careful to not have her wallow in misery for an inordinate amount of time. It's also a very commonly used plot device, though at least this one isn't the ever-popular "parent/sibling/relative killed by *insert species of pok?mon here*, causing *insert main character here* to go on a journey to seek revenge upon *insert appropriate species of pok?mon/all pok?mon in general here*".

So, dark pok?mon have been done and parental death have been done, but you at least pulled these off with a bit of style. It's more original than most OT's thus far, anyway. Just be on the watch for the ever-menacing clich? in further chapters.

Chapter Two: Where am I?

She had just started on her journey, and already things were going wrong.

They might help Treecko, but they might make his condition worse.

Littleroot Village did not make a lot of sense to Mariah.

The way this sentence is worded makes it sound like Mariah is already in Littleroot Village and it doesn't make much sense to her. Since it's actually the new name of the town that's puzzling her, I'd suggest rewording it to be more like Calling it Littleroot Village did not...

...girl had assured her that...

...since when did Professor Birch specialized in magic?

...as well and bore a symbol of a star within a heart...

Bore is the past tense of bear, and bared is the past tense of bare.

...bottom area of the sides and the back.

Mariah thought back to what just happened a while back.

That's a bit of an oxymoron. If it just happened, how can it have been a while back?

...some burly man in a white coat...

Trainers did not get either a first stage Grass-, Fire-, or Water-type Pokemon from Sorcerer Birch.Also, it seemed that they did not battle Gyms, if they even existed in this Hoenn.

- Large grassy fields are not usually bordered by large, unclimbable cliffs, and there really aren't many cliffs around Littleroot Town, at least in normal Hoenn.

- It seems weird that the enemy pok?mon would just stand around and wait while Brendan and Mariah argue about Treecko not fighting and while Brendan and his dad converse about how he can't use magic on them. They're clearly intent on their prey; why aren't they taking advantage of their distraction?

She sighed in relief until she saw that the Poochyena and Zigzagoon were approaching her.

- There were further dialogue punctuation problems and adverb placement issues, but I did not note them here and will not for chapter three, either.

I liked this chapter considerably better than the first, and as you can see, I found fewer errors in it. Tense problems continue to plague you, however. I think that you did a better job portraying emotion this chapter as well, and most of your character interaction seemed pretty natural. Your alternate universe contrivance to slip under the restriction of pok?mon not being able to talk to humans is better than most, at least.

I agree with IceKing that Mariah should have probably fainted at the sight of her angelic mirror image; after all, if a little pok?mon talking put her down for the count, what about finding herself in this strange land? I also was a little surprised at the adamance (dangit I can't spell) with which Mariah protested Treecko battling. I mean, sure he got hurt against the Torchic and all, but that was with clear type advantage, and this time she'd presumably have help from Brendan's Mudkip. I understand that she didn't want him to get hurt and all, but I'm not totally buying that that instinct would overrule that of seeing Brendan's father in danger and realizing that he really needed her help. Not to mention that Treecko himself wanted to fight.

Chapter Three: The Magical Hoenn Mirror Girl

With a potentially tough battle ready to start on a small grass route, Mariah?s Treecko and the angel?s Mudkip?s faces wore determined expressions.

The compound subject in this sentence is a little screwed up. I think that it should be Mariah's Treecko's, as it's his face and Mudkip is showing posession. However, that just looks weird. I think this sentence will look unwieldy either correct or incorrect, so I suggest just finding some way to reword it.

- The battle was pretty good, but it seemed a bit unbalanced to me. I mean, Brendan's Mudkip was eliminated in one hit when he faced the posessed pok?mon, and he only got hit by a basic tackle. Treecko, on the other hand, took supereffective damage from a high-powered poison attack and didn't fall. Whether or not Poochyena's dark aura or whatever was activated, that doesn't seem like a very likely scenario. It's not as though that was the only hit that Treecko took either. On the whole, however, the battle was pretty good.

...victim to the suspect?s mind control?

Well, if they have no idea who is controlling the pok?mon, then there aren't any suspects yet.

As Mariah left with Treecko following, Brendan looked the direction they were headed and back at his father, who shook his head.

She took a look around for anything suspicious before she entered the temple... known as the Oldale Shrine.

You're not using elipses right here. They're either used to indicate sections omitted from a quotation or trail off in an intriguing manner, as you used them just before the chapter break. It is also common to see them used in dialogue when a person pauses because he or she has lost his or her train of thought. Here you just want a comma to set off the additional information in the last phrase. I'd suggest rewriting it to say entered the temple, which was known as the Oldale Shrine.

After shielding her eyes and finding out the light?s source...

The light's source is outside, isn't it? Probably you meant that she found out what it was that was reflecting the light back at her.

She arrived in front of a mirror glass box on top of a platform.

Well, mirrors and glass are both two different things and the same thing. Mirrors are just glass painted to have a reflective shiny surface (definitely don't quote me on that as I'm not really sure), so saying that there was a mirror glass box is odd. I think removing the glass part would make more sense, and maybe changing the wording slightly.

...and with it were six marble-sized Pokeballs that were in different colors like the gems on the top red part of the Pokeball.

You have told us nothing about gems on the top red part of the pok?ball, so this description has nothing to relate to and does not add to our menatl picture of the rod.

- Why is Mirror Mariah all worried about the staff thing as soon as she picks it up. She wonders why someone would want to destroy it and how she could explain its abscence, but it is neither broken nor missing. She doesn't have any real reason to think that the staff itself is in danger, whether or not she knows that something evil is in the area. It's right there, in her hands, intact, undisturbed, and there was nothing to give her any sort of reason to worry about it upon her entrance into the shrine. Well, you haven't given us any indication that the wand is broken, though Mirror Mariah seems to be acting that way.

- Cannot is one word.

A man stood at the entrance, whose identity was partially concealed by the darkness.

Misplaced modifier. With its current wording, the sentence seems to say that the entrance has a concealed identity.

He raised his arm with the bare palm of his hand facing Mirror Mariah.

...Magma Magician with a sinister laugh, believing he had won.

- You don't go into much detail about Mariah's reaction to the shrine. Mirror Mariah went so far as to be blinded by the reflected light in it, but Mariah seems to experience no such thing, simply showing up and walking in. Isn't she a little bit wary, coming to this shrine that doesn't exist in her own world? On the alert, isn't she going to be noticing a great deal about her surroundings? This would be an excellent place to not only insert environmental description, but emotion. How is Mariah reacting to all of this weirdness?

- Most people don't automatically toss things out of their hands when they're dealt blows to the stomach. They might drop them out of surprise or out of reflex when they double or fall over, but I'm not aware of an instinctual response that involves throwing held objects.

Believing that Mariah would not hand over the Mirror Wand...

The entire area was lit up by a fireball thaT increased in size and changed from an orange yellow to black.

She noticed that she was holding on to the tree with great ease.

The Mirror Wand?s gems began glowing one by one and surrounded Mariah once they were all lit up.

Whoah, they became unstuck from the wand, rose into the air and started circling her?

- And while Mariah is transforming, why doesn't she get a fireball in the face from the Magma Magician?

- Magical girl isn't really a genre. Well, not a book genre anyway. I guess I'm not too up on anime or manga or suchlike.

The Magma Magician just looked at her, his eyes having a glow of darkness in them.

"However, you really do not what just happened or do not understand my intentions."

There's a word missing there, but as I'm not entirely sure what you meant for this sentence to say, I can't just fill it in and move on. Take a look and put in what's missing.

He raised both of his arms...

- Again, I find the result of this battle highly unrealistic. The Magma Magician could steal the powers of Mirror Mariah with little trouble, yet Mariah, who has no clue how to use magic or anything, manages to beat him. Doesn't make much sense.

I didn't like this chapter as much as the others. It started to seem very unrealistic to me, with the whole disproportionate powers of the Magma Magician and all. It seemed like whenever Mariah was in real danger the wand would suddenly reveal a new power and she'd be able to keep fighting for a little bit longer. Mariah's response to her new powers didn't seem entirely plausible either. I mean, she keeps on thinking that she's never going to be able to beat this guy, that she's just a helpless kid with a wand and he's this creepy evil magician type that she'll never be able to beat, despite the way the wand constantly steps in to help her. I'd expect her to start to feel a little more confident with the notion that something's looking out for her.

And in conclusion...

This 'fic certainly has potential. So far you've got what appears to be a solid storyline nailed down and have decent prose and pacing and such. Mechanically, you're doing everything right.

Small problems remain, however. Sometimes the story seems obviously skewed, as though you're trying too hard to make something happen. Deus ex machina and all that. Also, lapses in description are fairly common. I'm not asking you for buckets of environmental description or the like; in fact, that would be a terrible thing to do for a 'fic. Generally, I go by the rule "notice what your character is noticing". Mariah is still very new to mirror Hoenn, and you would expect her to be gawking at everything. Hey, I know I would. This is a land of magic and all of that. And what about Treecko? He didn't seem at all surprised to find himself able to converse with his trainer, nor was he alarmed by the strange shadowy pok?mon. You would expect him to have his reservations about this strange place, too. Which brings me to another point...

I don't quite think you're doing your pok?mon justice. You have the added advantage of having an excuse for their ability to communicate, which gives you a lot more of an opportunity to give them personalities than in normal circumstances, where most characterization must come from their actions or their trainer's interpretations of their "words." So far, however, the pok?mon haven't been given proper chance to grow and develop in terms of personality. Though they have a fair amount of screen time, Treecko especially, they remain rather flat and disinteresting. Granted, it's still early on in their relationships with their trainers, but characterization should always start early rather than late.

Your human characters have their problems as well. Orange Flaaffy was pretty accurate with her description of this. Their responses and reactions seem just a tad too calculated, just a tad too rationalized and polished. They seem to lack an organic feel, the human aspect which allows readers to relate to them. It's not that you write them poorly; the problem is almost that you write them too well. I'm afraid it's not a problem that can be easily diagnosed or treated, but there you are.

With all that said, though, this is far from being a bad work of fanfiction. As I said before, it has considerable promise. Focus on your characters and the magic of your plot; remember how you want your audience to feel in response to certain places and events, and lead them on through description and character reactions. Ultimately, you're not far from having a very good piece of work on your hands.
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
Thanks for the review. In fact, this is one of the best ones yet.

Yes, tenses always managed to mess with me, sometimes my wording and description aren't top notch, and my problem with realism seem to be getting worse. Then again, I tend to skip out on litterature except on certain fan fics.

There are some things I'd like to bring up, though...

Negrek said:
You never actually give any sort of explanation for the place where Mariah woke up. Where was it, exactly? The pok?mon center? A friend's house?
It was a Pokemon Center.

Negrek said:
Why does he have sore arms?
I guess I didn't do a good job explaning that. It was basically because Mitch was trying to catch up to the girls but wasn't doing a very good job... one of the disadvantages of being in a wheelchair...

Negrek said:
Watch out for Mariah's feelings as a result of her mother's death. Parental death often leads to angst!Sues, so be careful to not have her wallow in misery for an inordinate amount of time. It's also a very commonly used plot device, though at least this one isn't the ever-popular "parent/sibling/relative killed by *insert species of pok?mon here*, causing *insert main character here* to go on a journey to seek revenge upon *insert appropriate species of pok?mon/all pok?mon in general here*".
Since spoiler tags won't work, I'll explain Mariah's mom's death in a PM to you.

Negrek said:
So, dark pok?mon have been done and parental death have been done, but you at least pulled these off with a bit of style. It's more original than most OT's thus far, anyway. Just be on the watch for the ever-menacing clich? in further chapters.
*leads to spoiler*

Negrek said:
- It seems weird that the enemy pok?mon would just stand around and wait while Brendan and Mariah argue about Treecko not fighting and while Brendan and his dad converse about how he can't use magic on them. They're clearly intent on their prey; why aren't they taking advantage of their distraction?
I never really think of things like that. I'm VERY slow, unfortunately


Negrek said:
And while Mariah is transforming, why doesn't she get a fireball in the face from the Magma Magician?
Last time I've watched Sailor Moon and other magical girl series, the only time a transformation fails is usually right off the bat because something happened to the magical girl in question.

Negrek said:
Magical girl isn't really a genre. Well, not a book genre anyway. I guess I'm not too up on anime or manga or suchlike.
Yeah, it's an anime genre.
Here's a good site about it: http://henshin.anime-myth.com/index.html

Negrek said:
Again, I find the result of this battle highly unrealistic. The Magma Magician could steal the powers of Mirror Mariah with little trouble, yet Mariah, who has no clue how to use magic or anything, manages to beat him. Doesn't make much sense.
I had that pointed out to me too. Hopefully, the other battles will be much better.

Negrek said:
Small problems remain, however. Sometimes the story seems obviously skewed, as though you're trying too hard to make something happen. Deus ex machina and all that. Also, lapses in description are fairly common. I'm not asking you for buckets of environmental description or the like; in fact, that would be a terrible thing to do for a 'fic. Generally, I go by the rule "notice what your character is noticing". Mariah is still very new to mirror Hoenn, and you would expect her to be gawking at everything. Hey, I know I would. This is a land of magic and all of that. And what about Treecko? He didn't seem at all surprised to find himself able to converse with his trainer, nor was he alarmed by the strange shadowy pok?mon. You would expect him to have his reservations about this strange place, too.
That never really came to me either. Thanks for pointing that out.

Negrek said:
I don't quite think you're doing your pok?mon justice. You have the added advantage of having an excuse for their ability to communicate, which gives you a lot more of an opportunity to give them personalities than in normal circumstances, where most characterization must come from their actions or their trainer's interpretations of their "words." So far, however, the pok?mon haven't been given proper chance to grow and develop in terms of personality. Though they have a fair amount of screen time, Treecko especially, they remain rather flat and disinteresting. Granted, it's still early on in their relationships with their trainers, but characterization should always start early rather than late.

Your human characters have their problems as well. Orange Flaaffy was pretty accurate with her description of this. Their responses and reactions seem just a tad too calculated, just a tad too rationalized and polished. They seem to lack an organic feel, the human aspect which allows readers to relate to them. It's not that you write them poorly; the problem is almost that you write them too well. I'm afraid it's not a problem that can be easily diagnosed or treated, but there you are.
Characterization was a HUGE problem for me in the earlier versions. I'll keep this in mind as I work on chapter 5 (I've finished chapter 4 today).

Negrek said:
With all that said, though, this is far from being a bad work of fanfiction. As I said before, it has considerable promise. Focus on your characters and the magic of your plot; remember how you want your audience to feel in response to certain places and events, and lead them on through description and character reactions. Ultimately, you're not far from having a very good piece of work on your hands.
Again, thanks for the review.
 

Miyu-chan

.::f l o w e r g i r l::.
5,956
Posts
20
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  • Age 35
  • Seen Apr 23, 2014
I agree with your previous reviewers. A bit of 'voice' in the chapters might have been better. It's not somthing to be easily commented on, but like Orange_Flaaffy said, it does sound a bit wooden. But the way to solve this... the only solution may be to discover on your own. o.O;

I love your wonderful use of dialouge, and the battle scenes were awesome. =3

Some of the tenses seemed... strange however, like others mentioned before. o.x;

Errr... yeah. xD;
 

Strawberry Delcatty

Neko daisuki-na no nya!
752
Posts
19
Years
MARIAH?S POKEMON: Treecko
MARIAH?S ITEMS: Mirror Wand (allows Mariah to use Pokemon attacks)
Rainbow Balls [x5] (???)

MIRROR MARIAH?S POKEMON: Mudkip
MIRROR MARIAH?S ITEMS: Wand (???)

CHAPTER 4: Ambush
The path of Rainbow Route 2 was anything but normal in Mariah?s eyes. The trees were dotted with lavender roses and bore large, pink fruit with white markings. Short plants with crooked leaves that curled up at the end made up most of the path, but it was not enough to interfere with walking. Slender vines blended so well with the plants that they seemed nearly invisible except on small ledges. Mariah felt that she was walking through a wacky greenhouse.

?I can?t believe I just let that happen,? a downcast Mirror Mariah moaned as she walked alongside Mariah. With her powers gone and the Golden Gateway broken, she felt completely helpless. She felt even worse when she found out that a doppelganger of her managed to beat a Magma Magician, who was at the time possessed possibly by the force controlling the Poochyena and Zigzagoon.

?You?ve been saying that ever since we left the shrine,? Mariah said, growing annoyed with Mirror Mariah?s pessimism. ?I didn?t expect to be in the middle of all of this. I just want to get out of here and back to my Hoenn.?

?Too bad for you,? Mirror Mariah said as she sat down on a ledge. ?You have to get to Ever Grande Cathedral and ask Lord Steven to send you home. Unfortunately, the Golden Gateway is the only way to get there. Since it?s broken, there?s not much we could do but fix it.?

That was not what Mariah wanted to hear. She asked if Mirror Mariah could at least find an alternative for going back home, but the Guardian shook her head, confirming that going to Ever Grande Cathedral was the only way. Mariah sighed, feeling that she would never return to her world. She remembered that some of the shards flew out of the shrine, and there was no way for her to find them all since she barely knew if Mirror Hoenn really was a parallel world.

Mariah also recalled that some time after the Golden Gateway broke, five of six rainbow-colored Pokeballs turned into a flash of light and went into their respectively colored gems of the Mirror Wand. Noticing that a green Pokeball had been left over, Mirror Mariah took it and wondered why it remained. Mariah asked her what happened to the other Pokeballs, and she told her that it was probably because the Mirror Wand needed another source of energy since the Golden Gateway had been destroyed. She was not sure about what it was until Treecko was suddenly released from his Pokeball. The Wood Gecko noticed the emerald Pokeball and felt a strange power from it. Before he knew it, he was converted into a sparkling jade light that was pulled into the Pokeball, and the sphere transformed into a similar light that was reeled into the lime-colored gem almost immediately after that.

?Is something wrong?? Mirror Mariah asked, interrupting Mariah?s thoughts.

Mariah shook her head. ?I was just thinking about what you said about the Mirror Wand. You said that these Rainbow Pokeballs came with it, right??

Mirror Mariah nodded. ?In case something happens to the Golden Gateway, the Mirror Wand can recover its energy if you manage to catch Pokemon with the Rainbow Balls. However, there is a catch, and that?s? Huh??

Mirror Mariah noticed that Mariah was instead attentive to a small purple rat Pokemon looking around the grassy area for food. With the Mirror Wand in her hand, Mariah quietly followed the Pokemon. When the Pokemon stopped at a bush with fruit similar to what the trees bore, Mariah started to aim the Wand at him. However, she realized that she did not know how to send out Treecko or how to use the Pokeballs. She waited for the words to come into her head like they did in the battle with the Magma Magician but was unsuccessful. In hopes of getting help, she turned to Mirror Mariah, who shrugged and said that she was not allowed to use the Wand except in critical battles. A disappointed groan from Mariah made the mouse Pokemon turn his head and glare at her. Then, he ran up a tree and leaped at Mariah once he reached the first branch. Before Mariah could react, her face was at the receiving end of a barrage of weak but painful scratches. She screamed and covered her face as the small but quick Pokemon landed on the ground.

?You overgrown Butterfree!? the Pokemon snapped in a scratchy childlike voice. ?If I see you following me like that again, I?ll chomp your wings off!? He scampered away.

Mariah moaned. There was no bleeding, but small scratch marks were all over her face. Mirror Mariah, embarrassed about what had just happened, got out an indigo handkerchief and clipped the crystal Pokeball off of her necklace. She pressed the button, and the sphere doubled in size and, upon opening, released a sparkling light that formed into her Mudkip.

?Mudkip,? Mirror Mariah said, holding the handkerchief by one of the corners, ?use your Water Gun to wet this. I need this to at least lessen the pain Mariah has from a Rattata?s Fury Swipes attack.?

Mudkip looked at his trainer and then at Mariah, who tried massaging her face to lower the pain. He turned back to his trainer. ?Couldn?t you use some Pudding for that??

?I could, but I ended up losing my powers, so I can?t transport my bag,? Mirror Mariah said with a depressed sigh. ?That?s why I need your Water Gun to wet the hankie a little.?

Although he felt strange about this, he knew it had to be done, so Mudkip squirted enough water on the handkerchief to have it dripping a little. Mirror Marian rung out the extra water and went to Mariah, who was still rubbing her face. She saw Mariah?s surprised expression when she handed the damp cloth tissue to her.

?Go on,? the Guardian said assuredly. ?Just take it. You can keep it if you want.?

?Uh, thanks.? Mariah took the handkerchief and wiped her face. ?So, Mirror Mariah, where are you from??

Mirror Mariah mumbled to herself that it would still take her a while to get used to her new name from Mariah. After a short pause Mariah called her, and Mirror Mariah laughed embarrassedly. She rarely had that question asked of her, but she thought about it and turned to her.

?I?m from Ever Grande Cathedral,? Mirror Mariah said. ?I don?t remember much of my life before I became the Guardian of Hoenn, and despite what people think, I don?t know everything. Well, compared to Lord Steven anyway??

?Uh? Who?s this Lord Steven you keep on mentioning?? Mariah asked.

Mirror Mariah covered her face upon hearing the question. She giggled a bit, slowly removed her hands from her face and moved her finger in a circle on a nearby rock. ?Well? He?s the Overlord of Hoenn. He?s smart, kind, really cool, and a strong Pokemon trainer. He?s reliable, and--? She stopped and noticed Mariah trying to hold back a laugh. ?What am I saying?! I?m not supposed to be telling you that!?

?I?m guessing that you like him,? Mariah said with a smile.

The Guardian of Hoenn laughed and playfully shook Mariah. ?I didn?t say that!?

?So, why do you always hug him and say that you missed him every time you see him?? Mudkip asked, believing that his trainer?s double might be right.

Knowing that talking about Lord Steven would embarrass her more, Mirror Mariah attempted to change the subject. ?So, Mariah,? she said. ?Tell me about yourself. If you don?t mind, of course.?

Mariah nodded and began to tell Mirror Mariah and Mudkip about her life in her Hoenn. She lived in Littleroot Town with her father and grandmother. Brendan Birch, one of her friends, lived next door to her with his parents. His dad, Professor Birch, often spent time at his lab studying and time outdoors doing fieldwork. Mariah also mentioned that Professor Birch gave starting Pokemon to beginning trainers and that was how she had gotten Treecko. Mirror Mariah seemed to be confused by this and told her how trainers start out with newborn Pokemon, but Mariah said that that had already been mentioned to her. Mariah continued talking about herself while Mirror Mariah occasionally asked questions.

***​

In another area of Rainbow Route 2, an orange mouse Pokemon slept peacefully in a berry tree when a shadow swiftly passed through the area. The Pokemon slowly woke up and wondered what it was that had made him come out of his slumber. He yawned, stretched, and rubbed his eyes. Once his vision became clear, however, he saw that no one was around. He suddenly heard a cawing noise with his pointy brown ears, and he looked up to see a small black bird perched on a branch above him.

?Hey, who are you?? the Pokemon asked.

Several other black birds arrived with their comrade, and together they dove toward the mouse. Seeing this as some kind of attack, the mouse jumped toward his attackers as his long and slender tail shone brightly. The birds felt as if a rock hit them when the thunder-shaped tip of the Pokemon?s tail swatted them onto the ground. It did not seem to be enough, however, for the birds managed to recover as the Pokemon landed on the ground.

?What?!? the Pokemon cried in shock as he watched the birds become airborne again.

The birds dove toward the Pokemon again with a dark vapor surrounding their bodies. However, the mouse got on all fours and looked up at the birds. His round, yellow cheeks sparked with electricity as the birds? auras were fired at him in the form of wind. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning was released from the Raichu and sliced through the dark wind. After the attack made contact with the birds, its sheer power made the birds fall to the ground, unable to continue fighting. Despite the successful hit of the mouse?s attack, the dark wind blew him off his feet and onto his stomach.

Once the Raichu got up, however, he felt that something was wrong--he had won too easily. The birds did not have a type where they were weak against either Steel-type attacks like Iron Tail or Electric-type attacks like Thunderbolt. He started to think that they were low-leveled Pokemon and had headed off when he stopped and thought about something. Were the birds Pokemon at all? Seemed unlikely? At least, they were not Pokemon that the Raichu had seen before. After taking a closer look at the birds, he felt a dark presence from them and knew that they could not be Pokemon, for Pokemon could never be evil naturally.

?I?d better tell the Guardian about this.? The Raichu, worried that this might turn out to be a trap of some sort, hurried off.

***​

?What was that?? Mariah asked a moment after a bright flash lit up the area.

Mirror Mariah quickly got up but stood still for a few seconds. ?I sense it again. This has been going on for two weeks now, and it?s only getting worse.?

Mariah, for some reason, felt that she had more in common with Mirror Mariah than just looks. Like Mariah, Mirror Mariah struggled with trying to figure out why Pokemon acted strangely and why do strange dark birds often appeared. It stressed her out a lot, just like when Mariah was saddened about what happened to her mom. Both of them had gone through a lot, and now there were in the middle of something that could tear apart both of their worlds.

?We?d better get going,? Mirror Mariah told Mariah. ?Judging by the distance, it?s pretty close to Moonlight City.?

?Why?d we have to go there?? asked Mariah, remembering that Brendan mentioned the name to her.

?Well, for starters, we?ll be able to get some clues from Petalburg Mansion,? Mirror Mariah said. ?One of the Elders lives there.?

Mariah wondered who the Elders were upon their mentioning, but Mirror Mariah and her Mudkip went ahead before Mariah could ask anything. Knowing that going through the Mirror Hoenn without Mirror Mariah would not be a good idea, Mariah went after her.

***​

Feeling as though the birds might have been following him, the Raichu glanced behind him a few times but thankfully found nothing. A bush that he had just passed by suddenly rustled. The Raichu stopped and turned to see something zooming toward his arm and clamping onto it.

?Not again!? The mouse tried to shake another black bird off of his short arm, but it was unwilling to let go. He raised up his free arm, and a small glowing orb formed at the tip. The bird looked up at the orb as the Raichu slammed it against his side, causing a small explosion that made the bird fall off.

?What?s with you?? The Raichu?s cheeks sparked with electricity.

The bird landed on the ground and shrugged off the damage from the Present attack. Its red eyes glowed, and a dark mist surrounded its body. The mouse watched the mist gradually increase in size until it vanished. In the bird?s place was a black moth. At the sight of its fluttering green wings, the Raichu held his breath. He did not know how the bird managed to transform into a Dustox, but it had become more dangerous than it previously was, for these poison moth Pokemon were known for scattering a powerful toxin.

The Dustox?s eyes glowed in several colors, and everything swirled in a whirlpool of bizarre lights. The swirling increased in speed little by little, and the Raichu felt dizzy and queasy. Suddenly, his head began to hurt, and he shut his eyes, hoping that everything would be back to normal. The poison moth Pokemon stopped its attack when the Raichu fell on his back and coughed as a reflex.

The mouse Pokemon slowly got up, wondering what his opponent?s next move was. The Confusion attack had left him in a rather groggy condition, but he mustered up as much energy as he could to run and jump toward the Dustox. He grabbed it by the wings and aimed it at the ground as the two were plummeting toward it. They both crashed, scattering dirt and pieces of leaves everywhere. The Raichu received some recoil from his Slam attack, but the thing on his mind was whether or not he had beaten the Dustox. What he saw, however, left him in shock.

The Dustox was engulfed by a bright light that faded away once the Raichu executed his Slam attack. It rose into the air without a single scratch on its body, and the Raichu was getting frustrated but was unwilling to give up. He ran toward the poison moth again with amazing speed, but the tricky poison moth rapidly flapped its wings to spread dust at its opponent.

?Ack!? The mouse Pokemon stopped in his tracks as a foul scent entered his nose. He began to choke from the poisonous dust and fell on the ground.

?How pathetic,? the Dustox said.

The Raichu?s eyes watered as the dust continued to drift, and he covered his nose and mouth to avoid inhaling any more of it. In addition one of the birds being able to transform into a Dustox, the Raichu knew something was not right since when he fought the other birds. He suddenly crumpled on the ground, and the Dustox flew over to the fallen, coughing electric mouse and prepared to deliver the final blow.

?Use your Water Gun attack!?

From out of the blue, a blast of water hit the poison moth in the eyes. The dark Dustox cried out in pain as the Raichu wondered where the Water Gun came from. Sure enough, a Mudkip was right beside him, and the two Mariahs arrived a moment later. They saw the Dustox as it tried to get the excess water out of its eyes.

?Lemonade, you okay?? Mirror Mariah asked the Raichu.

?I guess,? Lemonade the Raichu responded with a cough as he got up. ?I?ve been keeping this guy back for quite a while. I?ve dealt with some weird birds as well, but--? Lemonade was suddenly cut off upon seeing Mariah. He wondered how another girl could look like Mirror Mariah when Mariah, seeing his surprised expression, slowly stepped up and nervously held out her hand.

?Uh, hi,? Mariah said. ?My name?s Mariah Janvi. Nice to?meet you. Um? Are you one of Mirror Mariah?s Pokemon??

Lemonade was confused about the name of Mirror Mariah. He knew that it was impossible for Mariah to refer to herself since, in his eyes, she was the ?Mirror Mariah?. He thought that she might be referring to the Guardian because of the resemblance. Finally, he put his concerns aside for the time being and shook hands with Mariah.

?No,? Lemonade told Mariah. ?I don?t actually belong to the current Guardian, but I did belong to the last one.?

Mariah turned to Mirror Mariah, but she said that the only time she remembered hearing about the previous Guardian was a while after the Guardianship was passed down to her. This surprised Mariah, for she was hoping that Mirror Mariah would have the answers about what was going on in this mirror world of Hoenn. She wanted to get as much information about this world as possible, as well as some on the missing shards, and why strange black birds were attacking Pokemon. It was too late to get out of this situation when she transformed, so she might as well know as much about this place as possible.

Mirror Mariah, on the other hand, knew that she had to get the missing shards at all costs to fix the Golden Gateway. In reality, it did not matter whether or not Mariah returned back to her world. She remembered being told that if something were to happen to the Golden Gateway, a catastrophe will fall upon not only her Hoenn but also the whole Light Universe as well. Although she did not know specifically what the catastrophe was, she guessed that it had to do with the dark birds. She felt that the Elder of Petalburg Mansion would help her out, despite feeling uncomfortable about him. Her Mudkip, although unable to figure out what his trainer was thinking, sensed that she was worried about what was happening.

Lemonade himself did not know much about the birds until he was attacked. While he managed to defeat a flock of the birds, a lone one that transformed into a powerful Bug and Poison-type Pokemon wore him out with very little effort. If Mirror Mariah?s Mudkip showed up any later, then he would have been in worse, if not critical, condition than he was now. Since the first battle, one thing was made clear to the Raichu?the birds were not and could not be Pokemon, simply because they were evil.

The four of them were ambushed by a shower of bright purple needles stinging them. While Mirror Mariah managed to get out of the Dustox?s attack, her Mudkip, Mariah, and Lemonade were stuck at the receiving end of the Poison Sting barrage. The Guardian heard their pained cries and saw them crumpling to the ground. Upon seeing that they were poisoned, she tried to make her bag appear, only to remember that she lost her powers.

?Stupid bird,? Lemonade muttered, feeling groggy from the poison.

Mariah weakly sat up. ?What do you mean? Dustox are Bug-type Pokemon.?

?One of those weird birds turned into a Dustox and had me on the ropes until you guys came here?? The Raichu shook violently.

?I don?t remember any of the birds Guardian Mariah and I dealt with being able to do that,? Mudkip said as he tried to stay up.

Suddenly, the trees and bushes swirled and flashed with vivid lights. The swirling sped up little by little, and Mariah and Mudkip?s conditions appeared to worsen. A staggering Mudkip tried to attack by kicking up mud at the dark Dustox, but the mud appeared to have gone right through it. However, Mirror Mariah saw that her Pokemon?s Mud-Slap attack was completely off.

Meanwhile, Lemonade, becoming rather familiar with the Dustox?s tactics, tried to concentrate as hard as he could. His cheeks glowed brightly with electric sparks before he fired a bolt of lightning right at the poison moth. The powerful shock wave lit up the Dustox with bright yellow electricity before it crashed to the ground.

However, the poison moth started to glow like moonlight as it slowly rose into the air. Mariah, Mudkip, and Lemonade were shocked to see that the Dustox had recovered so quickly. What was worse for them was that while Dustox was getting stronger, they were getting weaker from the poison. The three collapsed, and the Dustox?s wings began to glow black with a dark mist forming around them. It appeared to be the end?

That was, until a shining blast of water knocked the Dustox back into a tree and stopped what could have been a powerful attack. Mariah and Lemonade turned to the Mudkip, but hearing his weak whimpers indicated that he was not the one who attacked. A sparkling beam suddenly hit the mud fish?s side and transformed him into a glittering silhouette of light that was pulled into a blue crystal Pokeball.

?I might?ve been too late to save Mudkip,? Mirror Mariah said as she clipped the Pokeball back on her necklace, ?but at least I was lucky to have my Diamond Wand fixed somehow...sorta. Oh, well. At least I could get some of my powers back with this thing.?

With that, Mirror Mariah aimed the Diamond Wand at Mariah and Lemonade, and the diamonds on the Pokeball shot a bright light at them. Suddenly, they felt that they had just woken up from a refreshing sleep.

?Wh? what?s going on?!? The Dustox cried, astonished by the sudden recovery of his opponents.

Mariah, hearing words come into her head, aimed the Mirror Wand at the Dustox. ?Green! Release!?

The Mirror Wand?s green gem flashed a few times before a bright emerald light was shot out of it. The light transformed and faded into Mariah?s Treecko, who landed right next to Lemonade.

?What?s with the weird Dustox?? Treecko asked Mariah after laying eyes on his opponent.

?That?s not a real Dustox,? Lemonade told Treecko. ?It?s actually some dark bird that turned into one. You?d better be careful, seeing as you?re a Grass-type.?

Overhearing Lemonade?s words, Mariah realized that this battle would not be easy for her Treecko. A Dustox was a Bug-type as well as a Poison-type, giving it a huge advantage. Mirror Mariah?s Mudkip was severely weakened during the battle, and he had more experience fighting the birds than Treecko. The incident with the dark Torchic started to replay in her mind, which made Mariah even more nervous about her choice. She wished that the whole thing never happened.

But then Mariah felt something stop her?

You?ll ultimately get what you want if you put in just the right amount of effort.

Mariah recalled the words of her mother, and while it pained her to be thinking about her mother because she was deceased, it managed to give her a reminder of what she should be fighting for. While it was true that she never heard of the Mirror Hoenn nor did she know much about her new powers, she should at least try her best at times like this and learn as time went by. Finally, she looked at her Treecko, who was rather annoyed with her spacing out.

?I?d thought you?d never come back,? Treecko teased.

Mariah smiled. ?Okay, Treecko! Let?s go! Use Pound attack!?

Without wasting another second, Treecko sprinted toward his opponent, which started to flap its wings to create a small tornado. The wood gecko Pokemon jumped toward the poison moth, but the whirlwind hit him before he was a foot away from it. He landed on ground and skidded towards a surprised Mariah. Treecko, however, slowly got up and eyed his opponent again. The Hoenn Mirror Girl sighed in relief, but she saw that using head-on attacks were not a good idea. Dustox seemed unstoppable.

Just then, Lemonade dashed into Treecko, knocking him upward and making him land on the Raichu?s shoulders. ?I?ve got an idea! Hang on!?

?What are you--?!? Treecko asked in shock.

Before Treecko could finish his question, Lemonade ran off toward the Dustox, who felt like laughing at what appeared to be a feeble attempt. The poison moth flapped its wings to create another tornado, but it just stared in shock when it saw the Raichu zooming through the winds with very little trouble. Lemonade?s cheeks sparked before a bolt of lightning was fired at the poison moth. Treecko joined Lemonade?s assault and opened his mouth, and a bright green sphere fired a beam of the same color at the poison moth. With stinging pain from Lemonade?s Thunderbolt and energy quickly drained by Treecko?s Absorb, the dark Dustox fell to the ground and landed in front of Mariah.

Mariah felt unsure about what to do next until the gems on the Mirror Wand flickered in a chasing pattern. This went on for a few seconds until the gems shined in their solid colors. Just then, colorful lights were shot from the Mirror Wand?s gems and wrapped around the Dustox. The moth tried to break free, but the lights eventually fully covered it. Finally, the lights vanished, and the only thing that was left in the Dustox?s place was a black feather that fluttered toward the ground.

?What? is that?? Treecko asked in awe.

Mirror Mariah picked the feather up and examined it. Just then, she felt her heart stop for a brief moment as she saw the feather emitted a weak, eerie glow.

?No way,? she whispered. ?It?s? just like the one I found earlier this morning??

End of Chapter 4​
 
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Miyu-chan

.::f l o w e r g i r l::.
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Cliffhanger! o.O; Gotta love/hate them. <<;

Anyways... this chapter was great. Light hearted with a bit of suspence. =D However...

The birds felt as if a rock hit them when the thunder-shaped tip of the Pokemon?s tail swatted them onto the ground. It did not seem to be enough, however, for the birds managed to recover as the Pokemon landed on the ground.

I don't think that thunder has a shape. ;D *gets hit* o.x; Errr... yeah. <<;

Treecko sprinted toward his opponent, which started to flap its wings to create a small tornado. The wood gecko Pokemon jumped toward the poison moth, but the whirlwind hit him before he was a foot away from it. He landed on ground and skidded towards a surprised Mariah. Treecko, however, slowly got up and eyed his opponent again. The Hoenn Mirror Girl sighed in relief, but she saw that using head-on attacks were not a good idea. Dustox seemed unstoppable
I think that choice of a word seems strange somehow, but then again, I'm not the grammar expert. xD;;;; I just *think* it sounds strange.

Great job - and wow, you update fast. xD;
 
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