View Single Post
Old June 17th, 2012 (12:59 PM).
Haruka of Hoenn's Avatar
Haruka of Hoenn Haruka of Hoenn is offline
Rolling writer
    Join Date: Nov 2007
    Location: Yes.
    Gender: Female
    Nature: Calm
    Posts: 297
    So Lisa makes another comeback... I like how you chose to introduce her into the story, with showing her as she would be on any normal day. It’s sort of like how it would be done in a movie. (So the Pokemon League has extreme driving units, eh? I guess it makes sense. They already have special agents, so they might as well :P)

    Despite the company’s multi-billion dollar profits, tonight was not a good night for the company’s leading man. His office was located on the top floor, with floor-to-ceiling windows providing a panoramic view of the city – almost if looking down on the other companies in town. The office was decorated in a manner befitting a CEO – thick red curtains, granite flooring, elaborate chandelier, expensive glass sculptures of Pikachu, a huge portrait of the company’s founder on the wall, and a wall-mounted large-size monitor fitted across from the massive steel desk.
    Somehow that doesn't seem fitting with the CEO image :P Good job with the opening in this scene, by the way. I especially like this line:

    almost if looking down on the other companies in town.
    Because that's totally what he's doing. And we all know it's true. Hehe.

    “The discovery of this meth lab on Mount Silver will hopefully put a major dent in the flow of illegal drugs throughout Kanto and Johto. Officials believe that the lab’s isolated location helped keep it hidden for over two years until it was discovered by an individual hiking through the mountain. League agents are not saying if they have any speculation as to who may be responsible for its operation.

    “It is believed that the current influx of illegal drugs began in early 2010. Since then, it has become an epidemic that has plagued the inner city streets, small towns, and schools across both Kanto and Johto, and even beyond them. There have already been over a hundred gang and drug-related murders in Kanto alone this year, and we’re not even halfway through 2012 yet. We will keep you updated on any unfolding details regarding this discovery. For News 5, this is Rick Lansing.”

    With a button press on the remote, the news report abruptly came to an end. “Okay, that’s enough news; after all we’ll be living and breathing this investigation for a while now.”

    Lisa and Leaf both let out sighs. The two girls relaxed in the living room of a spacious two-room suite, sitting on the room’s purple-colored sofa. Now with an anime show playing on the flat-panel television, Leaf and Lisa finally had time for a girl-to-girl chat. Both girls had changed into nightgowns. Leaf’s was green while Lisa’s was purple.
    I really like the idea for this opening. You make Kanto seem like such a dark, crime-ridden place :P That's not really how I think of it, but seeing things in a new light is also good. The only thing about this opening that tripped me was the way with which you introduced the dialogue as coming from the TV. Aside from a few dialogue cues, I wasn't really aware that they were watching the news. Maybe you could italicize the text to make it more obvious what it is?

    I also think it would be better if you say who spoke that first time. I was a bit confused at the transition, and putting a 'Leaf said' or 'Lisa said' would at least tell me who's there.

    “No, there is one thing,” Red said through his electronic voice box, a wicked smirk forming on his face. “Remember what we did to the Pokémon that left me like this?” he asked, pointing at a long scar across his throat.
    I love the idea of Red's voice being mechanical and monotone-machine-like. It's intriguing, but creepy at the same time. I do hope you'll go into more depth on what happened to him. I know Red's an evil character and all, but it's also kind of sad. Maybe the accident was what corrupted him?

    As always, looking forward to the next chapter! You've set up the characters with varying personalities and Pikachu-preferences... so now I'm eager to see how things will heat up. See you next time!