Vragon

Guest

Since this appears to be a setting up start and by that I mean deliberately vague, Ill talk about things outside that spectrum.
While there were the common misspelled word or misplaced punctuation in there some things did bother me.

Spoiler:
1) Your word Karoll breaks the pacing in my opinion. I understand it was to signify Karo will, but unusual words like this can be disruptive to the reader. For me in this case, I read it at first the traditional All. So basically I read Karo All. Confusing for a first read through
2) While I understand the whole font set-up on this site is a bit stupid (believe me I know), there is something that you can do to make it easier for the reader to not mix things up. For example,

Tonight. There was restlessness in his tone, his gaze elsewhere. Possibly elsewhen, Syr considered. Partly for the kwazais sake, but He rubbed at his bald head. Demi spoke with the glalie yesterday, and at some point he apparently said something about anti-human sentimentpeople who are glad were gone. People who dont need to see me. He met Syrs gaze. Is it true?
The way it's structured is to indicate certain things as he talks like the head rub and restless tone. However, this made it somewhat difficult and a little annoying. Instead of spacing it between the talking it might help to separate them into their own lines.

Tonight. There was restlessness in his tone, his gaze elsewhere. Possibly elsewhen, Syr considered.

Partly for the kwazais sake, but Ren (insert taking verb here) rubbed at his bald head. Demi spoke with the glalie yesterday, and at some point he apparently said something about anti-human sentimentpeople who are glad were gone."

He then met Syrs gaze "People who dont need to see me.... Is it true?
Or just rearrange to lower the intermingling of the paragraph.


I'd like to end with what I liked.

I was really drawn in by the detailing and descriptions you did. While I do admit it sometimes was bothersome, it was helpful and effective in painting an image. I'm curious at the overall concept you are making and what event transpired to lead up to this point. In other words, your first chapter is a good hooking start.

Again, I won't talk about my thoughts on the story since this is the first chapter out of X many you intend to write, so I'll leave it at that. Though I will say that I'm curious as to what happened and what exactly this "enemy" is.

I wish you well for you future works!