Vragon2.0

Say it with me (Vray-gun)

Male
As if I'd be one to say
Seen 11 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Week Ago
276 posts
1.5 Years
So I happened on this and I'm curious about the lead in with the plot synopsis. Personally, I'm not too much of a fan of these things since they sort of set up the notion of where the plot will go and whatnot before it happens, though I understand why it's here and all. However, it does raise questions about how the two will pursue these thieves considering a few factors but I suppose I'll find out soon given the set up in chapter 1 is definitely foreboding.


While the startup shows our rather tired prot. at the same time...there's not too much else. Now, you've got time mind you but in this chapter, all I really got was. "This guy is a prince, Merlin is a maid closer to him, his sister is a teaser or is coming off like that, that duke visiting is either our main antagonist or a red herring, the Roserade is his sister's but interracts with him too, and our prot. isn't someone to be around when pissed off."

So while I cannot comment a lot on the characters, I can say that there's room for them to grow and all. Regarding the plot, I cannot comment either since it's starting. As for the chapter in of itself, it felt a little short for what you were trying to go for.

What I believe you were aiming for was to introduce our protagonists, a few side characters, set up that there's some tension, and dictate some background and scenery. Pushing what I've listed regarding characters aside (and again you've got time to flesh them out) I felt there was a bit more you could add into this to really draw out the mood/story.

For example, you do a skip line between him reading the letter and then having his tantrum. This honestly feels odd considering both happen after what I assume is a few minutes of reading the paper and promptly getting heated. I believe we aren't supposed to know about the letter's contents yet but there are ways to still get the message it ticked him off as he reads without skipping some time. Like, adding his expressions/emotions as he reads it slowly change from curious why he has a letter to downright fuming would have been interesting and entertaining. Perhaps even having some thought processes while doing it too would aid in fleshing him out in the first chapter.


With my bigger pet peeve out of the way, I think I'll delve into some minor things I noticed.
“Ma… I…Take…Lea…”

In the state I was, it seemed as if the maid’s lips were merely moving, not letting any sounds whatsoever, and taking her leave.
This is kind of a contradiction since it's being indicated that sounds are making to his head just not very comprehensible. I get what you were aiming for, but I believe having him being unable to hear and just observe the gestures/body language and coming to the conclusion or guess what she's saying would be a better approach.

Celia, who was in a charming outfit, fitting of a princess.
I think the word "of" should be "for". I might be wrong about it but "of" sort of makes this awkward to read.

“That badly-behaved, lazy bones!” a scream was heard throughout the castle. That was my scream. Roserade tapped my leg, trying to calm me down. I sat on my bed and grabbed a pillow, holding it very tightly to send it all my anger. I heard a door knocking thrice, and I rushed to make myself not look as mad as I was.

- Excuse me, milady. The master is worried about your state and would like to know what has happened.
- I’m fine! I just needed to express my feelings on this pillow.
- Has the young master angered you again?
- Yes. But I am calm now. Thank you for your concern, Merlin.
Something that was rather odd to me was your dialogue execution. I'm curious why for some talking scenes you had " " marks and for some you did a script approach to them. I would suggest picking one or the other for outwards dialogue and sticking to that (though I'd recommend it be " " just because that's normal in english since quotation)

All in all, it's a fine start. You've got plenty of time and room to flesh out this plot and characters and with that I wish you luck and well.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
– Unknown