gimmepie

Age 24
Male
Australia
Seen 9 Hours Ago
Posted 10 Hours Ago
20,478 posts
7.6 Years
Reviewing Chapter Four.

Ah yes, there's the attack we've been anticipating for the past three chapters. It's quite a good effect to slowly build the anticipation for three chapters and then on the fourth to suddenly ratchet it up several notches. I'm glad you didn't break the tension yet though and have instead elected to keep it at high alert for a while.

The action itself is quite good also. It was nice to see a display of just how formidable Freya and Gathor are. You keep the sequences short and concise, which you should with fight scenes, it helps translate the speed and urgency to the reader. That being said, you don't need to totally abandon description when you make the switch to the shorter, sharper phrasing used for combat. It would add a lot to the visualisation of the scene if you added a little more description to the actions being undertaken. Remember, adjectives are your friend.

You did some more nice character work in this chapter too. It was good that Freya, Gathor and Tetheron's personalities didn't mysteriously vanish during combat like can sometimes happen. I also appreciate the reminder that Seliph is still a kid, after setting up how much more mature he is than his younger siblings, but also the hinting at his strength as he was able to largely resist Rosa. These factors will certainly become very important as the story continues, because Seliph is more or less your central protagonist at this stage.

But, back to your villains. You did a nice job of setting up their personalities and it was a nice choice to see a Gardevoir presented a a villain for a change. In particular, I'd like to commend the bait and switch you pull with them though. Throughout the chapter, you very much played up on Rosa's power and generally made her seem more like the one "in-charge". But as things progressed, the real dynamic with Plageues became more pronounced and I think by the end it wouldn't be wrong to assume he is actually the greater threat.

Only other thing I want to mention, is that you should remember to start a new paragraph when a new character speaks.