Tokyo, Japan
Seen November 25th, 2018
Posted July 14th, 2016
6,846 posts
14 Years
Okay. Thanks for telling me what was wrong, I'll re-write it. You have my word that the next posts will all be better, and have more thought into them. Sorry.

Oh, by the way, the "Main Thread" link doesn't work.

One question, it pertains to number five of my errors:

Could you please explain this? Because I have a feeling I might do it again if I have not really had it explained.
That's quite fine, improvement is more than enough to make up for all of it. :>

And... the link doesn't work?! DDD: [/I'll look into it in just a second...]

Well, I'd give you specific examples, but I think you deleted your post, and for some reason I can't see them. [/I'm probably set in member mode, if we ever integrated that.]

But anyway, the problem, if I recall correctly, is that your sentences are kind of like fragments. They're all kind of detatched. You don't connect things that can be connected. Like, you don't use conjustions. So all your sentences feel short. As if they're random and unrelated.

^ Like that. It just feels like.... if we used the metaphor that driving a car is like how you write a post, your car is coming to way too many full stops way too many times. Your passenger isn't going to enjoy himself. xD; And when you move from place to place, everything seems to happen right away without anyone saying it happened. A probably extreme suggestion is if I showed my character talking to someone at the door, and then the next moment he talks, he's sitting in his desk. Like, nobody tells the reader that he walked over from the door to his desk, y'know?