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  #1    
Old August 8th, 2006 (3:19 PM).
diageo11's Avatar
diageo11 diageo11 is offline
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    Okay, this is the start to the new fanfic I am writting. Tell me if you like and and if its good enough to go on the fanfic page.

    The story is set on a new region called Diageann that I created. All characters are fiuctional.

    Ok here it goes...

    Chapter 1

    ________________________________________________________
    One cold winter’s morning, a small brown animal pokemon was walking through the forest, stomach grumbling, looking for a suitable snack. Every step seemed to hurt his belly making walking uncomfortable. But he couldn’t stop. Lying on the ground wouldn’t get him breakfast so he kept on going.
    He hadn’t eaten in two days, except for some dried up berries which you couldn’t really consider as food.
    “Trees, just trees, fruitless trees. I hate winter. Who came up with that idea anyway?” He started talking to himself. It was really the only thing he could do to distract himself from his aching stomach.
    Suddenly, he noticed rays of light shining through the gaps in the trees. One ray fell on the light fluffy fur around his collar making him almost look like an angel. The ray was small and so three steps later he looked like himself again.
    The sun was already up and still there was no food to be found. He had been searching since the day before and not getting any sleep was starting to really take a toll on him.
    Even though the sun was now shining bright, the forest was still dim as there were not many openings for the light to shine through.
    The brown pokemon began to change his mood. Even when he was unhappy, he didn’t look the part. He still had his cheerful smile known to its kind. But now his hunger was growing and slowly overriding the cheerful instinct. He became angry; each step now seemed to knock down the corners of his smile. After around twenty steps, the pokemon looked so depressing it would bring a tear to the eye of even the most heartless of people.
    Fortunately, this sadness didn’t last long, our friend wandered into a town.
    “There’s bound to be food here.” He thought while smiling happily.
    A delightful smell caught his attention.
    “I remember this place,” He suddenly realized, “I stole some delightful food from here before.”
    He started running and found himself at the door of a building. Yellow bricks ran all around it with only the intervals of a few circular windows and a small green door.
    The smell was much stronger now, filling the pokemon’s mouth with saliva. He walked around the back looking for an entrance.
    “I wonder if that hole I made is still here.”
    He continued to look around until he finally found it. Since the hole was obstructed from sight the smell of the food had to guide him there. He broke through the flowers and into the hole. He had entered a tunnel.
    “Finally food.” He whispered excitedly. Pictures of scrumptious banquets flowed through his mind.
    He saw a hint of light at the end of the tunnel. Sprinting towards it one thought raced through his head.
    “Food! Glorious foo…”/BANG/
    “Hey, who covered half the exit with this wooden board?”
    He growled viciously, looking at the last obstacle of his mission.
    “I guess I’ll have to brake through it.” He muttered, jumping teeth first onto the board.
    As he desperately gnawed the wood he heard the sound of ripping sticky tape.
    All of a sudden the board fell to the ground, torn sticky tape and the pokemon still attached to it.
    He jumped up excitedly.
    “No sticky tape can keep me out.”
    Sniffing and drooling he searched the room. His gaze fell upon the biggest rice ball pyramid he had ever seen. With drool now making a puddle on the floor he leaped onto the counter and began to gobble down rice balls at the speed of light.
    In a matter of seconds the tray was left spotless. Even if the tray was put under a microscope a spec of dirt would not have been found.
    To his amazement the rice ball pyramid was not the only food on the counter. In fact, it was only the appetizer. His eyes began to shine with glee. Once again whole platefuls where scoffed down in under ten seconds.
    Two minutes later, there was nothing left. Once again not a crumb had been spared. With a satisfied stomach and a goofy smile, he lay down and drifted into dream land.

    * * * * *

    There were sudden loud crashes and bangs. A small man walked into the room. He had a pudgy face with shiny scarlet cheeks and was wearing a tall white hat.
    What this man didn’t have in altitude, he had in longitude. He was massive. His trousers were unbuttoned and his shirt was stretched as the clothes were clearly too small for him.
    “What happened to my restaurant?” he bellowed toward the sleeping pokemon.
    Awoken in horror the pokemon ran out the door.
    “This is the last time you steal from me!” declared the Chef for his belt pulling out a pokeball. He launched it out the door and barely missed the little pokemon.
    The ball snapped open releasing out a flash of light. A black hyena pokemon appeared. It had a sleek glossy coat and its claws were exceedingly sharp.
    “Go Mightyena, kill that thieving pokemon!”
    As the chef had ordered Mightyena began sprinting after the little food thief.
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      #2    
    Old August 8th, 2006 (4:23 PM).
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    Sakura Sakura is offline
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      Do you mind spacing..? I can't see anything..you're supposed to space between paragraphs, too. ._____.


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        #3    
      Old August 9th, 2006 (10:41 AM).
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      diageo11 diageo11 is offline
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        I didn't want people to think it was too long and get put off. Is the story good anyway? If its good I'll space it and put it on the fanfic page, if its not good I wont need to space cuz there would be no point...
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          #4    
        Old August 9th, 2006 (1:05 PM).
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        ProtrainerEon ProtrainerEon is offline
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          God, you're kidding me right? If you DON'T space it people won't even read it so they can rate it. Some, like me, will, but folks are picky about punctuation. I bet some people reading this will automatically not even like the fic because you were so adamant about not spacing UNLESS you have readers. Let me say it again.

          YOU WON'T get them if you DON'T space in the first place!

          I don't wanna sound mean but that post just made me have to come out with it right then and there. Sorry, but take into account all I've said.

          If it's long, tough...spacing matters more. People who "put off" long fics are probably missing a good read. Too bad for them.

          ------------------------------

          As I can see (Trainer Card), you're using a worn out first Pokemon and name. I have faith that you can pull through and give these two some character, in order to set them apart from the rest. Your story skills are decent, but it was missing that "pull" stories should have for readers. If you post, though, I will read it, ok?
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            #5    
          Old August 9th, 2006 (3:49 PM).
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          diageo11 diageo11 is offline
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            OK thanks, I'll probably post it up before september.
            I'll change , my trainer card slightly to give it a little more suspense :D
            Thanks
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              #6    
            Old August 9th, 2006 (5:11 PM).
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            ProtrainerEon ProtrainerEon is offline
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              Heh, dude people aren't dumb. LOL. That's so obvious on the trainer card. Plus, in your fic the trainer card told me what Pokemon was living the robber life. I had no clue whatsoever.
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                #7    
              Old August 10th, 2006 (4:32 AM).
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              diageo11 diageo11 is offline
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                Fine then, I'll change it further
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                More pokemon and badges will be added as my fanfic progresses...
                Link coming soon:D
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                  #8    
                Old August 10th, 2006 (5:38 AM).
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                ProtrainerEon ProtrainerEon is offline
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                  Good job! Heheh...I'm looking forward to reading it.
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                    #9    
                  Old August 11th, 2006 (1:46 AM).
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                  Ria Ria is offline
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                    Hey, cool, you made some great progress You obviously put a lot of effort into this. While there are some minor mistakes, it's really much, MUCH better than the first try. Good work

                    Oh, and don't be afraid of your chapters being long. Real, loyal readers will look forward to it, you know
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                    And now, the purple fic - but not pruple prose -> I can't believe I'm doing this...

                    In the next chapter:
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                    I literally lost all feeling in my legs at the very thought of Gary finding out about my horrible blunder. Well, to be perfectly honest, running at a maniacal pace for over an hour could have had something to do with the fact that I could no longer feel my feet. Seriously, to my knowledge you had to be either Forest Gump or experiencing some kind of a cathartic state of trance which is considered a sign from god by some jungle-dwelling pagan tribes to run like that.

                    I made a mental note to use the fact that fear for my pokemon had the same effect on me a cocktail of hallucinogen mushrooms would have on most people to my defense.
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                      #10    
                    Old August 11th, 2006 (11:29 AM).
                    diageo11's Avatar
                    diageo11 diageo11 is offline
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                      Thanks, I think the next episodes are looking good as well. Hopefully you wil like them. :D
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