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Emily's Pokemon Adventure Sinnoh

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Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
CHAPTER 1​

Emily began to open her blue eyes to the glimmering sun. She sat up and yawned. She took a shower and got dressed. She smelled something that sent her somewhere else for a moment. "French Toast" she thought. She ran down the stairs slid on the hardwood floor at the bottom and ran to the kitchen. Emily sat on a stool next to the counter in the living room. Emily looked at her plate; french toast, bacon, and eggs. And a glass of orange juice. Emily picked up the remote and turned on the TV in the kitchen as she began to eat. Her mom came in from the backyard with a basket of clothes that came off the wash line. Glaemeow followed her. Glaemeow jumped on the counter and sat there.

The news came on Pro.Birch was saying something about new trainers and pokemon "......giving starters to new trainers only today....." Emily spit out a mouthfull of orange juice across the counter. "That's today!?" Emily jumped off the stool and ran up the stairs. Emily found her little sister sitting on her bed reading her diary. Emily jumped and tackled her little sister, Kayla. Emily picked up Kayla and dropped her outside the door and slammed it in her face.

Emily got dressed in her trainer clothes, black shorts, red short sleve shirt with black pokeball on the side. Emily tied a bandana around her head with a black pokeball on it. Emily grabbed her bag, wrapped it around her waist and clipped it n place. The bag hug down a bit. Emily ran down the stairs. Emily put on her brand new running shoes. "Later mom! I'm going to go get my first pokemon!" Emily yelled to the backyard. Emily ran gave her mom a hug and ran out the door.

Emily's mom stood in the doorway of their brand new home and waved good-bye as her daughter left for a life long journey with tears filling her eyes. Emily ran through the quiet Twinleaf Town, humming a song that she never heard of before. Emily reached Pro.Rowan's lab. There was a note on the door. It said:


Sorry for the inconvinience, I am showing new trainers how to catch pokemon and how to battle. I should be back in an hour or two. Again, sorry for the inconvinience,
- Pro. Rowan​

Emily ran to where there was grass. She found Pro. Birch and the other trainers. Emily noticed on trainer. It was Jared. Emily walked up to Pro. Birch and listened to everything he was saying. Jared looked over at Emily moving his lips trying to say "Where were you?" Emily turned away.​

"Okay everyone, back to the lab to pick up your pokemon" said Pro.Rowan. All the trainers screamed happily and ran to the lab in front of Pro.Rowan.​


"Emily, I didn't see you in our group earlier. Did you just get here?" asked Pro.Birch. "Yeah. See, I kinda woke up late and--" Emily was interrupeted by someone screaming. Emily's mom came runnign twoards her and Pro.Rowan.
"Emily, you left this" Emily's mom handed Emily a ribbion. "It was my first ribbion I ever won. I thought it might bring you some luck on your journey" Emily's mom said with tears in her eyes. "You did the same thing in Kindergarten, now this?" said Emily. "I'm just going to miss you" said Emily's mom. Emily hugged her mom and her mom walked back home.
Pro.Rowan unlocked the doors to the lab. Young trainers piled in the building. The trainers kept ranting on about what pokemon they want. Emily doesn't even know what pokemon she wants....


TO BE CONTINUED.....​


More Chapters coming soon!​


​
 
Last edited:

Barkovitch

53
Posts
15
Years
  • Seen Aug 27, 2009
Here's a long one--

_____

Emily began to open her blue eyes to the glimmering sun. She sat up and yawned. She took a shower and got dressed. She smelled something that sent her somewhere else for a moment. "French Toast" she thought. She ran down the stairs slid on the hardwood floor at the bottom and ran to the kitchen. Emily sat on a stool next to the counter in the living room. Emily looked at her plate; french toast, bacon, and eggs. And a glass of orange juice. Emily picked up the remote and turned on the TV in the kitchen as she began to eat. Her mom came in from the backyard with a basket of clothes that came off the wash line. Glaemeow followed her. Glaemeow jumped on the counter and sat there.

First Issue: I see nearly no commas in this entire paragraph, and when I do see them, it is only to describe a list of items. The second and third sentences, for example, seem -extremely- choppy. Is 'She sat up and yawned' really necessary? If so, why not draw it out just a little more? Maybe not using 'She' for virtually every sentence would work as well. This, in my opinion, seems better: "Sitting up, she/Emily yawned, before proceeding onto her daily activities." This both a) leads into the next sentence and b) has some variation, so that the reader doesn't get bored of just reading a small, almost list-like story of what she does.

On a positive note, this story IS NOT bad. Could it use work? Obviously, every story could. But you have a good grasp on descriptive words, and the detail of listing small things (aka, the different foods and turning on the TV) reminds me a bit of J.K. Rowling, who tends to do the same things.

Second Issue: This could (and probably should) seem weird, considering I just complimented you on description a bit. So yes, I am a massive dolt and/or hypocrite. But I have no idea what Emily looks like, other than having blue eyes. I mean, you don't need to pile on description: I don't want to know how many inches her hair goes down her neck, or the miniscule (but surely fascinating) innerworkings of her nose (which would be described in extreme detail: look up those skin tones, folks!). But I'd like a little bit so I can build up a mental image of what Emily might look like. Same with Glameow- I haven't played Diamond and Pearl, but I still know a bit about how it looks. But some people might know nothing about how Glameow looks. Another thing relating to Glameow is...what is a Sinnoh Pokemon doing in Hoenn? You don't need a paragraph-long explanation, but a simple sentence would do. Are Sinnoh Pokemon just becoming more common in Hoenn? Was Emily's family ever located in Sinnoh, and Glameow was brought over from there? Little things like that really help a story, even though their importance might not seem too....important. (Oh, my way with words)

"That's today!?" Emily jumped off the stool and ran up the stairs. Emily found her little sister sitting on her bed reading her diary. Emily jumped and tackled her little sister, Kayla. Emily picked up Kayla and dropped her outside the door and slammed it in her face.

This is lulz-worthy, but I am disappointed you didn't add, "Emily promptly drop-kicked Kayla before lighting her room on fire." Same things apply- what does Kayla look like? Was Kayla photo-copying the diary for a secret military operation? Is Kayla really Ditto? Okay, I'm rambling, sue me. Not really. On a serious note, description to Kayla would be great. Another thing that is strange is the fact that Emily had no idea about the Pokemon-give-away. It goes into cliche territory a little bit, but not enough to ring any bells, I don't believe.

"Emily, you left this" Emily's mom handed Emily a ribbion. "It was my first ribbion I ever won. I thought it might bring you some luck on your journey" Emily's mom said with tears in her eyes. "You did the same thing in Kindergarten, now this?" said Emily. "I'm just going to miss you" said Emily's mom. Emily hugged her mom and her mom walked back home.

Nice detail, a mom that used to be a coordinator giving her kid a ribbon as a good luck charm. (I could be -and probably am, considering I don't follow the anime religiously- wrong, but isn't that the same basic thing that happened to Dawn and her mom in Diamond and Pearl?

Emily doesn't even know what pokemon she wants....

You changed the tone there. Following the rest of your story, it would be "Emily didn't even know what Pokemon she wanted."


A little short, but I'll keep an eye on it, I think. So far, nice job.
 

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years


Well sorry!!! I'm not good at grammar stuff, and yes, I did copy the ribbion thing but it gets better, just you wait...(This is adressed to Barkovitch, not anyone else)
 

Barkovitch

53
Posts
15
Years
  • Seen Aug 27, 2009
Not good at grammar? Get better.

Copy a storyline? Lazy, lazy, lazy.

And you shouldn't need to say that it'll get better, the first chapter should hook you and reel you in right away. You wouldn't mail an editor a letter saying "Sorry for the first chapter, but it gets better so keep reading." No. If the book isn't good right away the editor throws it out, no exceptions. I know this probably sounds really harsh, and I'm sorry that it does, but I think you need it. I'm seeing loads of stories from you, all with nearly the same title and story. I think this one actually has potential (not so much for the other ones)-- I want it to improve, and for it to improve you need to work a little more. Saying "sorry" and "it gets better" gives me zero reason to continue reading. I don't give mindless praise, I give constructive crit., which every writer should thrive on.

Good luck with the story, and I hope this didn't come off too rude (or rude at all, now that I think about it).
 

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
Chapter 2

CAPTER 2​
I have one thing to say before I start this next chapter, I have a few things to say, if you don't like my story, please don't comment bad on it and don't read it again if you don't like it.​

We left Emily at Pro.Rowan's lab with all the other begining trainers.​

Emily walked in the lab with the others. Pro.Rowan gave a speech about "responsibility" and stuff like that. After he finished, everyone gathered around a table where Pro.Birch had boxes of pokeballs. They were labled fire, grass, and water. Everyone just grabbed a pokeball out of a box and ran outside to begin their journey. Only Emily and Jared were left. Emily picked up the last ball in the box labled "fire" and Jared took the last one in the "water" box.​

Pro.Rowan picked up the last one in the "grass" box. "Good, this could be for my assistant..." Pro.Rowan said. "Emily, Jared, before you go, I have a request for the two of you," Pro.Birch handed Emily and Jared each a pokedex. "Will you record the pokemon you see and catch for me?" Pro.Birch asked. Emily and Jared nodded in agreement. Pro.Birch smiled. Emily and Jared walked out. "So what do you think happens when we see all the pokemon?" Jared asked. Emily shrugged looking at her pokeball. Jared turned and left for his house on a little island off the coast of Sandgem Town. He got on a boat and left. Emily walked twoards the grass. It began to rain.​

Emily was a quarter of the way to the next town when the weather started to get really bad. Emily knew she couldn't turn back so she found a Pokemon Center on the side of the road. She walked through the glass doors into the darkness of the room. "Hello?" she called out. She walked into a room with a lot of machines and a bed with a pokemon on it. Emily picked up the pokemon and took out her pokedex. It said it was a Linoone. Emily hugged the injured Linoone and walked around some more.​

Emily heard crying in one of the rooms. Emily walked inside and saw a little boy sitting against a wall crying in his hands. "What's wrong?" she asked. "And why are you alone here?" The little boy sniffled, "My Linoone, it was hurt in a battle and I don't know where it went," he said still crying. "What do you mean, 'you don't know where it went?'" Emily asked. "Well, the power went out about an hour ago and some ghost pokemon came and trashed the place and took my Linoone!" he said, still crying like crazy. "Is this your Linoone?" Emily asked holding the injured Linoone in her arms. "Linoone!" the little boy said happily. "Thank you so much!"​

Emily and the little boy walked through the Pokemon Center looking for help. "Well, we might have to stay here overnight and look in the morning" Emily said. The little boy's eyes widen and he quivered in fear. "Don't worry, I'll be here" Emily said calmly. Emily found some blankets and pillows and a flashlight in a closet. Emily set up a blanket and a pillow on a couch for the little boy. Emily wrapped herself in a blanket and fell asleep on a chair.​

Morning came, and it was damp and wet outside. Emily and the little boy walked outside. They found a someone that looked like a nurse. Emily and the little boy ran up to her. "Excuse me, do you work at that Pokemon Center down the road?" Emily asked. "Yes I do" the nurse said crying. "I'm so sorry, I can't take care of pokemon, I should just go to a diffrent town and-" Emily cut the nurse off. "Don't say that!" Emily yelled. "But no one comes down this road," the nurse said. "Well we did," Emily said. The little boy nodded. The nurse nodded. They walked back to the Pokemon Center. They helped fix it up. They cleaned the windows. The sun shined through. The whole place looked diffrent.​

"Thank you so much" the nurse said. "Even if trainers don't come down this road, you can still help the forest pokemon around here" Emily said. The nurse nodded. Emily walked out waving to the little boy and the nurse. Emily headed twoard the forest to get to the next town, Orburgh City.​




TO BE CONTINUED!
CHAPTER 3 COMMING LATER TODAY!​
 
Last edited:

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3​

We left Emily in the forest to Orbergh City:​

Emily was walking through the forest and ran into a Ralts! Emily sent out Torchic.
"Torchic! Ember!" Emily comanded. Torchic attacked the Ralts. The Ralts tried to attack but didn't move. It was like it wanted to be with Emily. Emily took out a pokeball. A red beam of light surrounded the Ralts and took it in. The ball pinged. Emily caught a Ralts!​

Emily left Torchic out of its pokeball and they kept walking. Emily heard some noises. She ran through the forest and Torchic followed behind her. Emily ran into a trainer, literally. They both fell to the ground. "Hey" the other trainer called out. Emily got up and helped the other trainer up. Emily brushed off her clothes. "I'm Seth" he said smiling. "I'm Emily" Emily said. "Wanna pair up and take this journey together?" Seth asked. "Sure" Emily said as they began to keep wlaking.​

They reached Orbergh City. They walked to a Pokemon Center and healed their pokemon while having something to eat. They walked around town looking for the gym. They walked up to the door. Emily pulled on the door. "It's locked" she said. They walked around some more and found a battle tent. "Cool! A Contest Hall!" Seth said running up to the big Contest Hall. "Wait!" Emily said running after him laughing. They walked inside.​

Seth and Emily walked up to the counter. "Welcome to the Contest Hall." the lady said. "Would you like to enter a contest?" she asked. "Yeah" Seth said. Seth handed the lady his pokedex and she registered it in the computer. "Your all set to go" she said. "The contest starts in a half hour." she said. "Cool, then I can practice" Seth said.​

Emily and Seth walked around back to where a field of grass and coordinators were. Seth took out a pokeball and Piplup came out of it. "Alright Piplup, lets use Bubble Beam the way we practiced!" Seth said. Piplup jumped in the air and used Bubble Beam while spinning around. Piplup stopped and use Peck on all the bubbles. When the bubbles popped, they glimmered in the sun. Piplup landed in a pose. "Great!" Seth said. Piplup replied happily. "That was so cool!" Emily said. "Thanks" Seth said patting Piplup's head.​

A half hour went by so fast. Seth quickly got ready and put a seal on Piplup's pokeball. "What's that for?" Emily asked. "To make Piplup's appearence even better. When I throw Piplup's pokeball out, bubbles will surround it and then pop and Piplup will appear" Seth explained.​

"Alright! Were ready to get this contest started!" the MC called out into her microphone. "First up, we have Kyle and his Kirlia!" Kyle and Kirlia performed. They got good results from the judges. Two more contestants performed and got bad results. "Last, but not least, we have Seth and his Piplup!" Seth and Piplup bowed and statred to begin. They were spectacular! The judges thought so too. Seth came backl stage with Piplup and waited for the results to see who made it to the second round.​

Seth was the last one to be announced. Seth smiled. Emily smiled. "Alright. You made it to the second round." Emily said. "Yeah" said Seth. Seth and Piplup were first to battle. They battled Kyle and Kirlia. Seth seemed nervous. It looked like the blue streaks in his hair were wet with tiny beats of sweat. Seth awaited a reply from his opponent. "You have the chance to go first" Seth said very professionally. Kyle grinned. "Kirlia, Psybeam!" Kyle ordered. Kirlia attacked. Piplup jumped in the air and powerd up for Peck. Pipul spun through the air like a torpedo and hit Kirlia. Kirlia quickly spun back into position.​

Without command, Kirlia quickly used Shadow Ball. Kyle's jaw dropped. Shadow ball hit Piplup. Piplup didn't take much damage. "Piplup, Whirlpool!" Seth orderd. Piplup made of pool of water that spun quickly and threw it at Kirlia. Kirlia took a big hit. Kirlia fainted! Seth shot his fist up in the air and smiled real big.​

"Now, our final challenge! Between Seth and the undefeated champion, Macey!" said the MC.​


Seth and Macey stood on the battle field. "Ready, loser?" Macey said holding a pokeball and grinning. "You don't know the half of it," Seth said. Seth threw Piplup's pokeball. Macey threw her pokeball, Espeon came out. "Espeon, psychic!" Macey ordered. "Piplup, bubble beam!" Seth said. Piplup dodged the attack and attacked with bubble beam in the air. Espeon was hit. "Espeon, tackle!" Macey screamed. "Piplup, dodge and use peck!" Seth orderd. Piplup avoided the attack again! Espeon was hit badly! "Espeon! Shadow Ball!" Piplup was hit! Totally wipped out!​

"That's it! Macey wins it again!" the MC said. "Macey stood on the stage with the MC and claimed her ribbion. Macey grinned as Seth walked off the stage. Emily met up with Seth backstage. "Look, it's okay. You know you could beat her any day" Emily said trying to comfort Seth. Emily and Seth sat down on a bench. "I should have won" Seth said sadly. Emily hugged Seth to try and make him feel better.​

Emily and Seth walked out of the Contest Hall and headed back twoards the gym. It was unlocked. Emily ran into Jared walking out holding a badge.​

Jared shoved it in Emily's face. Emily pushed his arm out of her way. "Ha! I got my first gym badge! Do you have your's yet?!" Jared asked really snobby like. "No. I'm gonna get it now" Emily answered. "Who's your boyfriend?" Jared asked looking at Seth. "He's not my boyfriend now shut up!" Emily screamed."He's just my friend. His name is Seth" Emily said. "Mr.Pretty Boy, eh?" Jared said while getting up in Seth's face. "Black hair and blue streaks? So old." Jared said grinning. Seth pushed Jared out of his way. "Okay dude, don't have to get all nasty about your girlfriend," Jared said. "She's not my girlfriend!" Seth yelled getting ready to punch Jared. Emily grabbed Seth's arm. Jared ran back into the forest to get to the next town.​

Seth turned back to Emily. "Sorry, I hate him, why are you friends with him?" Seth asked. "I don't really know, my mom thinks we should 'get married' or something" Emily answered. Seth laughed. They walked inside the gym. A man walked up to Emily and Seth. "So you must be the challenger we were expecting," he said. "Yeah, I'll be battling you" Emily said. The man laughed. "Oh, I'm not the gym leader. He's the gym leader." He pointed to a young man standing on a platform. "He seems too young to be a gym leader," Emily said. "Well I am young but, that's me, the Orbergh City Gym Leader!" the young man said. "I should introduce myself, I'm Roark." Emily grinned, "Okay then, lets go"​

Emily and Roark battled until one pokemon from each team was left. Torchic and Cranidos. "Torchic, Ember!" Emily comanded. "Cranidos, Zen Headbutt!" Roark said. Torchic attacked and knocked out Cranidos. "Looks like you've won, I'm happy to present you with the Orbergh Gym badge." Roark handed Emily the badge.​

Emily put the badge away with pride. Emily smiled and ran out the door. Seth following behind. They met up at a bridge crossing a huge river. Emily leaned over the edge of the bridge. Seth stood next to her leaning over the edge too. "You know, there's a tag-team battle in the next city, wanna enter with me?" Seth asked looking at Emily with his hair in his face smiling. "Sure, Sounds fun" Emily said smiling.​

They walked twoards the next city encountering more pokemon and getting stronger,​


TO BE CONTINUED!
BE SURE TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER WHICH WILL BE POSTED TODAY!! FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO EMILY AND SETH AND JARED!​
 
Last edited:

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
Barkovitch said:
Not good at grammar? Get better.

Copy a storyline? Lazy, lazy, lazy.

And you shouldn't need to say that it'll get better, the first chapter should hook you and reel you in right away. You wouldn't mail an editor a letter saying "Sorry for the first chapter, but it gets better so keep reading." No. If the book isn't good right away the editor throws it out, no exceptions. I know this probably sounds really harsh, and I'm sorry that it does, but I think you need it. I'm seeing loads of stories from you, all with nearly the same title and story. I think this one actually has potential (not so much for the other ones)-- I want it to improve, and for it to improve you need to work a little more. Saying "sorry" and "it gets better" gives me zero reason to continue reading. I don't give mindless praise, I give constructive crit., which every writer should thrive on.

Good luck with the story, and I hope this didn't come off too rude (or rude at all, now that I think about it).
Click to expand...



Well I don't really care what you say, everyone else likes my story! So be quiet! And it was rude!
 

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4​
We left Emily and Seth heading to the next town and Seth brought up a tag-team battle...​



Emily and Seth walked along a beach to the next town. It felt sort of romantic. Emily and Seth held hands and walked down the beach. They decided to stop and go swiming. Emily wanted to catch some water pokemon. Emily changed into her bathing suit so did Seth. Emily dove in the water. She popped up from the water. "C'mon Seth" Emily said signaling Seth to come in. Seth dove in the water. Emily swam underneath the water. Seth swam after her. They found a house under water. They swam back up. Emily took a gasp of breath. "Why do you think a house is down there?" Emily asked. Seth shrugged. Seth's wet hair shined in the glimmer of the sun. Emily's brown hair set on her shoulders. Seth dove back down to the dark depths. Emily swam back to the beach. She waited for a long time. Seth never came back up. Emily got worried.​

Emily dove into the water to look for him. She found him locked in the house. He was banging on the window screaming. Emily swam as fast as she could and tried to open the door. A few minutes later, she didn't see Seth.​

She kicked in the door in and found Seth on the ground. She picked him up and swam back to shore. She set him on the beach. Trying to make him breath again, she pounded on his chest lightly. Water came out of his mouth. He woke up, coughing up water. When he sat up, Emily quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm so glad your okay" she cried. She let go and looked into his eyes. She moved his hair out of his eyes and smiled. She handed him a towel.​

"Hey, thanks for saving me back there," he said. "Your welcome" Emily said. Emily put her clothes back on, so did Seth and they headed on their journey again. It started to get darker out. They were still in the forest. It was dark and really scary in there.​

Emily saw something fly over her head. She screamed and held onto Seth. Still holding onto Seth, they walked through the dark forest. Someone approached them with a pokemon beside them. He or she was holding a pokeball, and seemed like they were grinning.​

They walked into the light and they saw Jared's face. Seth gave Jared a dirty look. Jared saw Emily holding onto Seth. "Looks like you two are boyfriend and girlfriend after all," Jared said grinning.​

Seth seemed like he had enough. Seth looked into Emily's eyes. Emily looked at Seth. "Please don't," Emily asked hugging Seth. Seth gave Jared another dirty look. "So you two entering the tag-team battle in the next town?" Jared asked. "Maybe" Seth said. "If we were, we'll definetly beat you." Seth said with his arm around Emiy. Emily grinned at Jared then hugged Seth ignoring Jared's snippy comments. They turned and walked away, Jared quielty followed them.​


TO BE CONTINUED!!
NEXT CHAPTER COMMING TODAY OR TOMORROW!!!
FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN!!​
 
Last edited:
Astinus

Astinus

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  • Seen yesterday
That review Barkovitch posted was not rude. It was far from it. He was actually just trying to help you improve your story. Because you are breaking the rules of basic grammar. And when you break the rules of basic grammar, then your story's quality is low, and it could be closed.

You should listen to the advice that people give you to help you improve your story. You shouldn't stick your fingers in your ears and ignore any advice given to you. Because Barkovitch was just trying to help you improve to make sure that your fic doesn't get closed.

The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden.

Now as I was going on about with your grammar, it needs improvement. You're missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. You have spelling errors. You need to make a new paragraph every time someone speaks. There's a stickied guide in the Lounge you can read over to learn to fix some of your mistakes.

Your chapters, with the exception of the third one, are also rather short. You could add in more description as to what's going on in the story.

I don't have the time to go through each problem in your chapters, so I'll just tell you to improve your grammar and use a spell-checker, like spellchecker.net to make basic improvements to your story. And fix the size of your ending fonts. Otherwise, I might be forced to close your story.
 

Cynic Kaka

Credentials.
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The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden.

Wow, Astinus, I remember when you said that to me (ouch)

Do you copy and paste that saying?

But Pokefan32, you SHOULD recorrect some things, like Yea should be Yeah.
 

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
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Erureido said:
The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden.

Wow, Astinus, I remember when you said that to me (ouch)

Do you copy and paste that saying?

But Pokefan32, you SHOULD recorrect some things, like Yea should be Yeah.
Click to expand...


Ok. I'll fix it today thanks;)
 

Saltare.

Brain bangin'
2,430
Posts
15
Years
Astinus said:
That review Barkovitch posted was not rude. It was far from it. He was actually just trying to help you improve your story. Because you are breaking the rules of basic grammar. And when you break the rules of basic grammar, then your story's quality is low, and it could be closed.

You should listen to the advice that people give you to help you improve your story. You shouldn't stick your fingers in your ears and ignore any advice given to you. Because Barkovitch was just trying to help you improve to make sure that your fic doesn't get closed.

The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden.

Now as I was going on about with your grammar, it needs improvement. You're missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. You have spelling errors. You need to make a new paragraph every time someone speaks. There's a stickied guide in the Lounge you can read over to learn to fix some of your mistakes.

Your chapters, with the exception of the third one, are also rather short. You could add in more description as to what's going on in the story.

I don't have the time to go through each problem in your chapters, so I'll just tell you to improve your grammar and use a spell-checker, like spellchecker.net to make basic improvements to your story. And fix the size of your ending fonts. Otherwise, I might be forced to close your story.
Click to expand...


Look, im fixing it, okay? None of you can tell me how to write my stories
 

Cynic Kaka

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Years
I can, so HA!

Um....You might not want to talk back to Astinus. *cowboy accent* He's the man around these parts, and I reckon there'll be a standoff at 'noon.
 
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