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  #1    
Old July 6th, 2008 (9:47 AM). Edited July 6th, 2008 by OnlyMaster101.
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OnlyMaster101 OnlyMaster101 is offline
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    Max is a boy who turned 11, while he was watching a Pokemon battle on TV his mother came upstairs with both her hands behind her back.
    Max said "What's behind your back?" His mom takes her hand from behind her back, it's a pokeball!
    Max said" Wow, I never thought that the surprise was gonna be a Pokemon!
    His mom says" Well, it isn't, entirely, I'm giving you this pokeball to catch a Pokemon!"
    Max says " Oh, cool this is sure gonna be fun!" Max started running downstairs, but then his Mom said " Max don't forget your clothes!" Max ran into the bathroom and changed into his new clothes. Max went running downstairs again then his Mom said"
    Don't forget your bag!" Max ran back upstairs and got his and put his pokeball in it.


    Max ran downstairs and just before he got out he said" Thanks Mom, I appreciate it!"
    His Mom says "Your welcome, you deserved it!" Max ran outside and just before he ran into the grass patch he ran into another trainer. The trainer said" Hey watch out,you could've hurt me!" Max says "Well, sorry, I din't mean to." The trainer said"
    Well, my name is Neo, and I'm just becoming a Pokemon trainer! Do you wanna battle?" Max said" No because I don't have my Pokemon YET, but i will soon!"


    Neo says "Hey, you can borrow my Chikorita!" Max says "Thanks i'll be right back!"
    Max ran into the grass patches and saw a Cyndaquil, he went over to it and battled it,
    Max sent out Neo's Chikorita and Max said " Chikorita use tackle!" Cyndaquil looks weak! Max threw a Pokeball, and it wiggled then a spark flew up, I caught a Cyndaquil!
    Max ran over to Neo and said" Thanks for letting me borrow your Chikorita!" Neo says " Your welcome, here take these." Neo gave Max some potions and Pokeballs. Max said" Wow, thanks Neo, maybe we can become rivals!" Neo said " Yea sure sounds like fun! Meet ya after your first gym badge in Violet city?" Max said" Sure, meet ya there!"


    Well that's part one, And heres a liitle summary or part 2:
    Max tries to go to the next town, Cherrygrove Town, but he runs into all kinds of Pokemon, trying to catch all the Pokemon he can find, but he doesn't have enough Pokeballs, so he runs out and just trains and trains, and one of his Pokemon gets a staus problem!


    Thats it for now!
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      #2    
    Old July 6th, 2008 (5:47 PM).
    Blue Screen of Death's Avatar
    Blue Screen of Death Blue Screen of Death is offline
    Wait, what?
       
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      Okay then... I am at a loss for words. Dude, sure, this is longer, but it isn't much better. Your lines could be whole paragraphs, if you threw in some description. Even then, the plot would not be much better. I'll go over this bit by bit. The beginning was short, the middle was short, the battle was short, and the end was short.



      Quote:
      Originally Posted by OnlyMaster101 View Post
      Well that's part one, And heres a liitle summary or part 2:
      Max tries to go to the next town, Cherrygrove Town, but he runs into all kinds of Pokemon, trying to catch all the Pokemon he can find, but he doesn't have enough Pokeballs, so he runs out and just trains and trains, and one of his Pokemon gets a status problem!
      I wanted to include this little bit for one reason: IT IS THE GAME!!! Also, the bold word was spelled staus, when I'm quite certain you meant status. The best way to fix this is to do a few simple things. One: come up with a plot that isn't an exact replica of the game. Two: Describe things, are we supposed to assume what Max, Neo, the setting, and the pokemon look like? I did not think so. Three: if you don't come up with a new plot, at least jazz up the current one. Is getting a status problem all that big, or running out of pokeballs?

      I cannot think of anything else, but others will elaborate more on the subjects I covered, so please listen to us. We do not want another story like rayquaza tribe.
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        #3    
      Old July 7th, 2008 (9:50 AM).
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      OnlyMaster101 OnlyMaster101 is offline
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        Pokemon Journeys - Johto Regeion - Part 2 : Item loss!


        Max into the grass patches hoping to find a Totodile or a Chikorita, but there was no sign of one, so he just wanted to run into some random ones. Uh Oh its a Snetret,
        Max ran over to the sentret and battled it with Cyndaquil, and eventually got it Max said" I'll take you to my Mom, she'll know what to do! Ma's new Sentret was tired So Max put the tired Sentret in a Pokeball and ran to his Mom. He opened the door and said " Hey Mom, I caught a tired Sentret in a grass patch and was wondering if you could heal it, so can you?"
        Max's Mom says "Yes just bring the Pokeball with Sentret in it to me, Ok?" Max said "
        Ok," and ran over to his Mom. Max says " Heres that Pokeball you wanted , and can you heal my new Cyndaquil too?" Max's Mom says " Yes just give both of the Pokeballs
        to me ok?"

        Max's Mom healed the Pokeballs and gave them back to Max, and then Max flew out the door and he was excited! He had a Sentret, he always liked the Furrets that his grandparents had in CianWood City, so he looked forward to getting one of his own.
        He then went back into the grass patches and spotted a pichu, but it looked like it was a trainers, so he walked over to the trainer and said " Hey, do you wanna battle eachother?" The trainer said "Sure, lets begin!" Max sent out Sentret, and the trainer sent out a Sunkern! Max said' Go sentret, use Scratch!" Sentret used Scratch on the Sunkern, and in no time the Sunkern looked worn out! The trainer said" Sunkern,
        use tackle!" The Sunkern used tackle and looked critacal, so Sentret looked tired, but then Max said" Sentret, use quick attack!" Sentret used Quick Attack and it was a hit, the Sunkern went down! Max said " Yeah, go Sentret!" The trainer took back in his Sunkern and sent out the Pichu he saw earlier! Max said " Good job Sentret return! Go Cyndaquil!" Cyndaquil's flames started coming out of its back, and Max said " Cyndaquil, use Ember!" Cyndaquil used and it was a hard hit, so the Pichu went down in one hit! Max said " Yeah, go Cyndaquil!" But the pichu came back up and used Thunder Wave, Cyndaquil was Paralyzed! So Max tried using tackle, but cyndaqui couldn't move! So max said " Cyndaquil use takcle" But Cyndaquil still couldn't move! While Max was battling a couple of goons stole of his Pokeballs, then Max said " Cyndaquil use takcle" He finally used tackle and that finished pichu! Then he got his bag and walked away, he noticed it was lighter, he only found two pokeballs in there,
        the one with Sentret in it and the other with Cyndaquil in it. Max wondered what happened. so he ran to Cherrygrove City and went to the Pokemon Center.......

        Thats the end of Part 2 Item Loss Hope you guys enjoyed it!
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          #4    
        Old July 7th, 2008 (12:34 PM).
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        Blue Screen of Death Blue Screen of Death is offline
        Wait, what?
           
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          One word: Describe. Please add some description.
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            #5    
          Old July 7th, 2008 (7:26 PM). Edited July 8th, 2008 by Astinus.
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          Astinus Astinus is offline
             
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            And here we go.

            Quote:
            Originally Posted by OnlyMaster101 View Post
            Max is a boy who turned 11, while he was watching a Pokemon battle on TV his mother came upstairs with both her hands behind her back.
            The comma after "eleven" should be a full stop. Otherwise, run-on sentence with two unrelated thoughts.

            Describe more of his surroundings. Describe more of Max. Talk a bit about how he feels watching a battle on TV. What time of the day is it?
            Quote:
            Max said, "What's behind your back?" His mom takes her hand from behind her back. It's a pokeball!
            Added the comma in bold. Read the Grammar Advice guide stickied in the Lounge to learn how to punctuate dialogue.
            You are combining sentences that don't need to be combined.

            If you are going to capitalize "Pokemon", be consistent and capitalize all words dealing with the franchise: "Poke ball".

            Quote:
            Max said, "Wow, I never thought that the surprise was gonna be a Pokemon!
            Since Max is still the one speaking, his dialogue should go with the other words that he said. And if you combine the two paragraphs, you don't need to mention again that he said that, because it's implied.

            Quote:
            His mom says, "Well, it isn't, entirely. I'm giving you this Poke ball to catch a Pokemon!"
            Quote:
            Max says " Oh, cool this is sure gonna be fun!"
            Yes, because it certainly is a lot of fun to run into the wild and get your face mauled off by a Rattata. He's going to go out into the wild without any sort of protection and battle a creature that could kill him.

            Sounds like fun.

            Quote:
            Max started running downstairs, but then his Mom said, "Max don't forget your clothes!"
            This is why you need more description. I had no idea that Max was wearing unsuitable clothes for going outside. And I have no idea what clothes he's wearing now.

            Quote:
            Max ran into the bathroom and changed into his new clothes. Max went running downstairs again
            Max did this. Max did that. We get the idea that your character's name is Max. Mix up the ways you can mention him. Even "the boy" would be good, or a pronoun.

            Quote:
            then his Mom said, "Don't forget your bag!" Max ran back upstairs and got his bag and put his Poke ball in it.
            Read over your story before posting, since you forgot the word "bag" in this sentence.

            I'm no longer pointing out your comma and quotation mark mistakes, since I'm sure you get the point now.

            Quote:
            His Mom says "You're welcome. You deserved it!"
            What did Max do to deserve a Poke ball? It was random.

            Quote:
            "Well, sorry, I didn't mean to."
            Quote:
            Max ran into the grass patches and saw a Cyndaquil,
            *headdesk*

            No. Cyndaquil are not wild Pokemon. They're rare. There's not going to be one sitting out in the middle of nowhere near whatever town Max is from. (I'm assuming New Bark Town.)

            This is just a ploy to give your trainer a rare Pokemon that he shouldn't be able to catch in the wild. There is nothing wrong with the Sentret/Hoothoot/Rattata Pokemon that are found in the wild.

            Quote:
            Max sent out Neo's Chikorita and Max said " Chikorita use tackle!" Cyndaquil looks weak!
            That is a really horribly described battle. You didn't even mention if Chikorita used Tackle or not. All that happened is that Max commanded Chikorita to use Tackle, and then Cyndaquil is randomly weakened.

            Quote:
            Max threw a Pokeball, and it wiggled then a spark flew up, I caught a Cyndaquil!
            Poke balls shake a few times when a Pokemon is originally caught, and then seals itself. Sparks don't fly.

            And I'm sure you forgot the quotation marks around "I caught a Pokemon".

            Quote:
            Neo said " Yea sure sounds like fun! Meet ya after your first gym badge in Violet city?" Max said" Sure, meet ya there!"
            What? Neo helps out this kid, and then they become rivals? They don't know one another?

            And forgot to mention: Why would Neo hand over his Chikorita to some random kid? He had no idea if Max made up that story. Perhaps Max could have been lying and would have run away with Chikorita. Your character isn't questioned, and is trusted too easily.

            This was rushed. Horribly rushed. Max is randomly given a Poke ball by his mother and starts off his journey without any preparations. His mother just kicks him out of the house without any supplies. He had no idea he was going to be a Pokemon trainer! But he just accepts going out into the unknown without any supplies, or even a Pokemon. If Neo hadn't been there, Max could have been killed by a wild Pokemon.

            Your grammar needs improvement. Read the sticked Grammar Advice thread. Even read a few of the fics here to see how things are done.

            Take your time writing. Use some sort of word processing program, like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. This way, you don't have to rush your chapter, and you can take all the time that you need to write your chapter and make it the best that you can.
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              #6    
            Old July 8th, 2008 (3:10 AM).
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            Ninja Caterpie Ninja Caterpie is offline
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              Quote:
              Even "the boy" would be could, or a pronoun.
              Is that a grammatical error I smell, Astinus?

              I'll review Ch 2 because Astinus already did Ch 1...
              Well, here we go!
              Oh, by the way, I'm not going to cover stuff Astinus already did...

              Quote:
              Max into the grass patches hoping to find a Totodile or a Chikorita, but there was no sign of one, so he just wanted to run into some random ones. Uh Oh its a Sentret!
              So..Max is a verb! Awesome! You Max. Great. He wanted to run into some random whats? Hang on...why are you talking in the fic? Sentret is the spelling I believe. Last time I checked, commas can not end sentences... :O

              Quote:
              Max ran over to the Sentret and battled it with Cyndaquil, and eventually got it Max said" I'll take you to my Mom, she'll know what to do!
              Whoa whoa whoa! That was a complete run-on sentence. Sorry to take your line Astinus (sort of) but, OnlyMaster101, you are painfully disemboweling English grammar. Urk. Max got what how? And why would his mum know what to do?

              Quote:
              Ma's new Sentret was tired So Max put the tired Sentret in a Pokeball and ran to his Mom.
              Wait...it's now "Ma"'s Sentret? What? Isn't it STILL in a Pokeball? The way you said "ran to his Mom" makes him sound wussy...
              Quote:
              He opened the door and said " Hey Mom, I caught a tired Sentret in a grass patch and was wondering if you could heal it, so can you?"
              Oho. A grass patch. Man, how game-like can you get? Anyway, how can Max's mom heal them?

              Quote:
              Max said " Ok," and ran over to his Mom. Max says " Heres that Pokeball you wanted , and can you heal my new Cyndaquil too?" Max's Mom says " Yes just give both of the Pokeballs to me ok?"
              Why are there Enters in wrong places? Max said ". Wow.
              Quote:
              Max's Mom healed the Pokeballs and gave them back to Max, and then Max flew out the door and he was excited!
              So...Max's mum is either:
              1. A special person with a healing machine.
              2. A Pokemon.
              She can HEAL Pokemon, why and how?
              HOW? This is where you need MORE description.
              Quote:
              He then went back into the grass patches and spotted a pichu, but it looked like it was a trainer's, so he walked over to the trainer and said " Hey, do you wanna battle each other?"
              The trainer said "Sure, lets begin!"

              Max sent out Sentret, and the trainer sent out a Sunkern!
              Max said " Go sentret, use Scratch!" Sentret used Scratch on the Sunkern, and in no time the Sunkern looked worn out![/quote]Who is this "trainer" guy?
              Ok..What does Sunkern look like? What does Scratch do? Or at least, how does Sentret use Scratch? DESCRIPTION!
              And...why is the Sunkern worn out "in no time at all"? It seems as if the trainer didn't call a command... Even in the game HP doesn't go down that fast...

              The trainer said" Sunkern, use tackle!" The Sunkern used tackle and looked critical, so Sentret looked tired.
              Max said" Sentret, use quick attack!" Sentret used Quick Attack and it was a hit, the Sunkern went down!
              Max said " Yeah, go Sentret!" The trainer took back in his Sunkern and sent out the Pichu he saw earlier!

              Wek. Wait... Because a move looks critical, a Pokemon gets tired. WTF? What do Tackle and Quick Attack do? Well... the other description-less moves are self explanatory but not Quick Attack...
              So... the trainer sent out a Pichu he had seen earlier... O.o

              Quote:
              Cyndaquil used and it was a hard hit, so the Pichu went down in one hit! Max said " Yeah, go Cyndaquil!" But the pichu came back up and used Thunder Wave, Cyndaquil was paralyzed!
              Cyndaquil used? Used what? Wow... A PICHU gets OHKO'd by a CYNDAQUIL WITH NO EXP. And it can use Ember. Wow. Well....Pichu "went down" but "came back up". Eh? Paralyzed doesn't need a cap P.
              Quote:
              So Max tried using tackle, but Cyndaquil couldn't move! So max said " Cyndaquil use takcle" But Cyndaquil still couldn't move!
              Wowowowow...So...Max used Tackle...xD? So...he becomes smart again and TELLS his Pokemon...err....

              Quote:
              While Max was battling a couple of goons stole of his Pokeballs, then Max said " Cyndaquil use takcle" He finally used tackle and that finished pichu! Then he got his bag and walked away, he noticed it was lighter, he only found two pokeballs in there, the one with Sentret in it and the other with Cyndaquil in it. Max wondered what happened. so he ran to Cherrygrove City and went to the Pokemon Center.......
              Stole "of" his Pokeballs? Eh?
              After that, Cyndaquil used Tackle and it works...ok!
              Ok...So Cyndaquil FINALLY beats it and then he (Cyndaquil?) grabs his bag?
              Well..ok.
              And...Max wondered so he ran off....

              You know, if I had was wondering where my Pokeballs were...I wouldn't just run off to the next town...
              Max is sounding real dumb...using Tackle instead of his Pokemon...and running away from where he lost his stuff...o.o

              And that concludes my review of awesome doom!!!

              Anyway, use a WORD PROCESSOR.
              NEVER EVER EVER type up something in the reply box.
              Wow...I type my normal messages in the reply box and I don't really think I'm going to have that many errors... O.o

              Also...
              Don't change tense in the middle of it!

              And...
              Proofread and fix up and add detail when necessary...

              Did I forget anything?
              Maybe...AH!

              Press Enter twice to make paragraphs!

              Well, SupahFunk's thingos couldn't convince him...maybe his mistakes can.
              If they can't...You do have closing power Astinus, right?
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