Fan Fiction and Writing Have a story you want to share? Or in the mood to sit back and read one, instead? Then come hang out here!

TrollandToad.com
Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old March 7th, 2009 (1:18 PM).
Misheard Whisper's Avatar
Misheard Whisper Misheard Whisper is offline
Waiting for the rain
  • Gold Tier
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Doctor Drakken's lair
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Posts: 3,389
Well, it's been a while since I churned out one of these comedy drabbles. Yes, it's a bit OOC, but otherwise it wouldn't be funny.

Galactic Blues

“Are you imbeciles trying to tell me that you messed up...again?” Cyrus asked, his voice wavering slightly as he fought to retain control. Mars and Jupiter nodded unhappily.

“Really, you two, it’s not that hard,” said Cyrus with a dangerous smile, coming around the desk to stand behind them. “I would think that you two would be capable of such a simple operation, wouldn’t you?” he asked, slinging a friendly arm around each of their shoulders.

“Yes, boss,” they mumbled shamefacedly.

“So tell me,” Cyrus continued conversationally. “What went wrong, exactly?”

“It was her fault!” burst out Mars suddenly, pointing an accusing finger at her companion. “I told her she had the wrong item, but she didn’t listen to me!”

“I didn’t listen?” Jupiter said indignantly. “You were the one that-”

“Enough.” Cyrus cut them off sharply. “You are dismissed. Get out of my office. Next time, I’ll send Saturn to buy the yoghurt.”
__________________
Reply With Quote

Relevant Advertising!

  #2    
Old March 7th, 2009 (3:27 PM).
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill bobandbill is offline
shake that booty
  • Administrator
  • PokéCommunity Daily
  • Discord Moderoid
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 13,257
Heh, not bad. Got a laugh out of me, that. Now I'm wondering what 'wrong item' they actually did get... and what flavour of yogurt Cyrus wanted as well. XD

However, I'd say that maybe the punchline could have had more set up - some more build-up to make it seem more that Jupitar and Mars had messed up something more serious and all. Would have possibly added a bit more for the punchline then, methinks, but otherwise not bad at all - short but sweet. And everyone knows a successful criminal team needs their yogurt!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old March 8th, 2009 (3:21 PM).
Giratina ♀'s Avatar
Giratina ♀ Giratina ♀ is offline
what's your sign?
     
    Join Date: Apr 2008
    Gender: Female
    Nature: Quirky
    Posts: 1,439
    This successfully got a laugh out of me.

    I'd disagree with bobandbill's claim that the punchline should have been a little more set up; I would probably think that you were lurking on it for too long and let my mind wander a bit, thus slaughtering the punchline altogether. Apparently, Team Galactic are yogurt addicts too. =O
    __________________
    Reply With Quote
    Reply

    Quick Reply

    Join the conversation!

    Create an account to post a reply in this thread, participate in other discussions, and more!

    Create a PokéCommunity Account

    Sponsored Links
    Thread Tools

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is On
    HTML code is Off
    Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

    Forum Jump


    All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:46 PM.