JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Age 36
- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
Author's Note: Episode three of Mystery Pokémon Theater 3000. Original content was by Blue Screen of Death.
[OPENING, INT., Satellite of Love. Andy and Syntax are already at the controls, reading a large, leather-bound book. Jax comes in from the right.]
Jax: Hey! Welcome, everyone, to the Satellite of Love. I'm Jax, and these are my partners— [glances down to take notice of Andy and Syntax] Hey, guys. What're you doing here?
Syntax: Oh, we're just reading this book we found in that box of stuff that you were planning on jettisoning.
Andy: Yeah. It's called the King James Bible. It's really interesting stuff. I can't imagine why you'd want to get rid of such a fascinating work of fiction.
[Jax stares at the camera and smiles awkwardly while motioning frantically and mouthing, "We're just kidding."]
Syntax: But hey. I'm kinda feeling a bit funny. It's like… I found something.
Andy: [stops and looks up] Yeah… You know what? I'm kinda feeling it too.
Both: Like a light is shining down upon me from somewhere on high…
[A light mysteriously shines on them. Jax reaches past to hit the flashing yellow button on the controls.]
Jax: Guys, it's just Astinus.
[The camera cuts to a shot of Astinus in a room made of snow – the throne room of Astinus Castle. She's sitting upon an ice throne, surrounded by piplup.]
Astinus: Just me? Valentine, I'll have you know that I'm a well-respected figure.
[Cut: Back on the Satellite.]
Jax: [genuinely impressed] Oh really? Just among your piplup army, or has it finally moved out yet?
[Cut: Astinus Castle.]
Astinus: My piplup army is vast and mighty. We'll be ready to take on other lands soon, and when we do, they'll all bow to me!
[Cut: Satellite.]
Jax: Well, that's great to hear. It's always nice to see someone advancing in life. Like when coworkers who have been in the same department for fewer years get promoted before you do. Or when people who spend most of their college days partying end up on the Dean's List while you work your tail off to get by on a—
Andy: Hey, Jax. The Lord said to turn the other cheek.
Syntax: Yeah, love thy neighbor just as thou wish to be loved or something like that.
[Jax is about to add something else when she takes a breath instead. At this point, she visibly calms.]
Jax: You know what, guys? You're right. Astinus, what's our fic for today?
[Cut: Astinus Castle.]
Astinus: Well, today, you're going to get a bit lucky. Your experiment for this week is called A twin adventure. It's a feel-good comedy about a pair of twins who set out on a pokémon journey through Sinnoh, only to soon discover that they're the chosen ones. Expect hilarity with these two trainers. They're both wise-crackers. Enjoy! [presses a button on her throne's arm rest]
[Cut: Satellite.]
Syntax: So, it should really be better than usual because it's a refreshing spin on a tired genre, right?
Andy: I wouldn't bet on it.
Jax: Hey, guys, does it make either of you feel at all old that we're already getting badfic from Generation IV to spoof? I mean, seriously, my worst fic was back when all we had was Gen I.
Andy: Gen IV? Gen I? What are you talking about, woman?
Syntax: Obviously, Jax is a witch. Quick! Get a minister! She's speaking in tongues!
[The lights begin to flash as the stage begins to shake.]
Jax: You know what? Never mind. It's fanfiction sign! [hits one of the flashing buttons on the control panel]
Syntax: Back, devil woman! Back! THOU SHALT NOT SUFFER A WITCH TO LIVE!
[Andy floats away screaming. Jax rolls her eyes and heads towards the hatch with Syntax spouting Christian verses at her.]
[Jax enters the theater with both pokémon in tow. Syntax is still spouting random gibberish at her as the three of them sit down.]
Jax: If you don't stop that, I won't give you dessert for a week.
Syntax: I'm done.
[The first words of the fanfiction appear on the screen.]
"Dude! Wake up! WAKE UP!!! Don't make me get the bucket!" "Okay! Okay! I don't like ice water first thing in the morning!" Aaron replied to his brother, Allen.
Andy: Alliterative names. Sure sign of twins.
Jax: Or a mother who doesn't care at all that her children will have the crap beaten out of them.
"Good, today is our birthday, were finally old enough to get our pokemon trainers licenses"
Jax: A trainer's license is not a license to kill the English language. Right, Syntax?
Syntax: [sobbing] My brothers and sisters are crying out in anguish!
Allen said. So the brothers got up, got dressed, and ate much more than there fair share of waffles. They then got out of the house (after their mother chased them out because they found her stash of chocolate)
Syntax: It was right next to her stash of drugs, dirty magazines, counterfeit money, and illegal fireworks.
and went to the trainers academy for their final exam, the one were they would get their trainers licenses. Of course it was the first and only test they studied for in their life.
Andy: You know, we can't really make fun of characters for being stupid if they actually are. That's like making fun of a snorlax for being fat.
Their teacher started to pass out their tests. Of course, she didn't want to get up so she had to the students get up for their tests. She called them both up at once, as usual, to save time. "Aaron, Allen." They both got up, and much to their delight they both got A's on their tests. "YES!!!" they both shouted rather loudly, and of course attracted the whole classes' attention.
Andy: Because no one else believed that the resident frat boys would actually make it.
They quickly shuffled back to their seats, with embarrassed looks on their faces. Not long after they got out of school. Luckily,
Jax: Which is badfic speak for "deus ex machina."
their mother had gotten them an abra for this day and since they had just gotten their licenses they could have abra teleport to the pokemon center, which luckily was located next to professor's lab.
Jax: Oh yes. It's very convenient for all those mad scientist experiments the professor tends to perform.
Syntax: So many half-growlithe, half-jynx abominations to be treated. It's so sad.
They rushed in to professor Rowans lab and as all children did on their exam day. An elderly man approached them, otherwise known as professor rowan coolly said to them (after they stopped panting of course) "Wow boys, I knew you were eager, but I didn't expect you to get here so fast, most children take at least five minutes to get here from the academy. How did you get so fast?"
Andy: Steroids.
Aaron held up the pokeball abra was in and let abra out. "Ahh that explains how you got here so fast, I never expected kids to use an abra to get to my lab faster than all of the other kids." "Well, we did" Allen replied.
"Well than boys, mind if I guess the pokemon you want?" "Go ahead." The twins replied. "okay then, black hair, slightly tall, medium weight. Different opinions on pokemon though, guessing by the blue and red colored vests you two always are wearing.
Syntax: What he didn't know was that the twins only wore that because otherwise, they wouldn't be able to tell themselves apart.
Aaron you want a Piplup
Andy: [as Aaron] "But I'm Allen."
and Allen you want a Chimchar." The professor then went to the back room to get the pokemon. "Wow, he is good at that." Allen said. "years of practice, I bet."
Jax: Or five minutes interpreting obvious color symbolism.
Just then the doors burst open and the person the twins least wanted to see strode in casually.
Syntax: Uh oh. Cue obligatory obnoxious rival.
Andy: Is it possible to get any more obnoxious than the main characters?
"Hello dweebs."
Jax: Somehow, I get the feeling that's a bad thing to say to people who outnumber you and could very well gang up on you outside to beat the crap out of you and take your lunch money.
The kid said to them "What are you doing here?" "what do you think?" Aaron said with an angry tone in his voice "we're here to get our pokemon, Zack."
Syntax: Oh, that's cute. The rival with a name that begins with the letter at the opposite end of the alphabet from the main characters.
Andy: I like it when a story doesn't believe in subtlety.
Just then Professor Rowan got back from the back room and handed them their pokeballs "One Piplup and one Chimchar." Aaron and Allen grabbed their pokeballs and left, trying to avoid Zack as much as possible.
They left the next day and left for Jubilife city. They had stocked up at the pokemart (luckily so because of what happened not long after they left sandgem town.)
Andy: Who needs subtlety when you're trying to do foreshadowing anyway?
Allen was ahead and was lucky enough to spot a shinx. "Whoa a shinx!" he exclaimed. " I hear they are awfully hard to raise, I don't think I will try to find one." Allen sent out his Chimchar and the battle began!
Jax: So… he doesn't wish to find one, so he decides to battle it anyway instead of let it go?
Andy: Who needs logic in a pokémon fic?
(Recap) Allen sent out his Chimchar and the battle against shinx began!
Andy: Well, considering this chapter is right after the one in which this happens, this is completely necessary.
"Chimchar, use scratch!" Allen said. Chimchar obeyed and scratched shinx.
Jax: Exciting description there. I can imagine this battle perfectly. It's thrilling.
"Good! Now scratch him again to finish him off!" Chimchar was about to scratch shinx again when shinx pulled off a tackle and threw Chimchar off his feet. "Chimchar!" Allen yelled. "Dude! Use a potion!" Aaron said to his brother.
Jax: After one hit?
Andy: Pansy!
Syntax: And you know Chimchar's weak when Andy says he is.
Andy: Hey…!
"Good idea!" Allen replied. Allen sprayed the potion on Chimchar and he got back up. "Now Chimchar, use scratch again!" Chimchar scratched shinx and shinx wobbled, fell over, and got back up. "Perfect, now is the time to throw a pokeball!" And that is just what Allen did.
Jax: Didn't he say earlier he didn't want one?
Syntax: Well, now, see, that was actually Aaron. Even the reader isn't supposed to tell them apart.
The pokeball wobbled once, twice, three times, and then it stopped, sat there and clicked. "YES!!!" Allen shouted, all the while doing some sort of weird dance. "Dude, stop." Aaron said "Someone might see you." "Alright, I will." Allen replied, with a rather scared tone in his voice. "Just don't get the bucket, please don't get the bucket."
Syntax: [as Allen] "I promise I'll be good! Please, no whipping!"
"Okay, okay, okay, I will do you one better, Piplup, go!" Aaron shouted, "Use bubble!" Piplup sprayed Allen with an ice cold blast of water. Allen the said in a somewhat gargled voice"Hey! How come your piplup knows bubble?" "Oh, that. I snuck in the middle of the night
Andy: Who needs to tell the reader how much time has lapsed between chapters? That's not important at all!
to train Piplup." "Awww, man how come I didn't think of that?"
Allen mumbled to himself.
All: Because you're stupid?
So the brothers continued on their way to Jubilife city. After about fifteen minutes of walking through an area of rather tall grass they came across an even rarer sight than shinx. "Whoa! An Eevee!"
Jax: Obligatory eevee sighting? Check!
Aaron said, rather loudly of course. "Hey! Eevee come back here!" Another trainer suddenly came out the grassy area, shouting for his Eevee.
Andy: Bill?
Jax: Where?!
The Eevee in question ran and hid behind Aarons legs. "Please give me my Eevee, if you wouldn't mind." The trainer asked.
Eevee just sat behind Aarons legs, trembling in fear. "Ummm, I don't know. Eevee seems pretty scared of you."
Syntax: Well, Bill, that's what you get for performing horrific experiments on your rare pokémon.
Aaron replied. "Well I don't care, just give it back." The other trainer snarled. "Unless you can trade for it." "Okay" Aaron said. "What do you want?" "An Abra."
All: That's convenient.
He replied.
"Dude, give him abra." Aaron said to Allen "Alright..." Allen replied.
(Recap) Allen entered the pokemon academy in Jubilife city
Jax: And when in the previous chapter did this happen?
and got in a double battle with a couple of students from the academy.
"Chimchar, shinx go!" Allen said, sending out his pokemon. "Abra, go!" The boy shouted. "Ralts, you go too!" The other boy said. "Chimchar use scratch on abra and then shinx, use tackle on ralts!" Chimchar attacked abra and abra swayed a little but stayed put. Shinx attempted to tackle ralts but ralts dodged it and used confusion. "Shinx!" Allen shouted "Are you alright?" "Shinx!" shinx called back, while getting back up. "Ralts, use confusion on Chimchar!" The ralts' owner called to him. "Abra, use psywave!" abra used psywave on Chimchar
Andy: It's a special, magical abra that can use moves abra don't normally know.
and ralts used confusion on Chimchar. "Chimchar!" Allen called "Are you okay?" Chimchar tried to get up but couldn't.
Syntax: Because you have the super-wussy chimchar, Allen. The one that can't fight its way out of a paper bag.
"Chimchar, come back!" Allen said, while calling him back into his pokeball. Ralts and abra were distracted with their cheering, so Allen hatched a daring plan. "Shinx," He whispered "Use tackle, now!" Shinx tackled both pokemon and they both fell down.
Jax: And Kimba the Blue Lion managed to ninja-attack a pair of psychics… how?
Syntax: Magic.
"Yes!" Allen shouted "Abra!" one boy shouted. "Ralts!" the other shouted. Both pokemon fell over and were unable to get up. "Yes!" Allen shouted again" I win!" After some bragging, gloating, and assorted cheering Allen walked up to the two boys and said "Can I have my TM now?" "Oh, alright." One boy said "Here you go; it's hidden power, its power and effect differ depending on where you are."
Andy: …Which doesn't actually describe Hidden Power at all.
"Thank you, I'll be leaving now." And that is just what he did. He took a look at the clock tower in town and noticed it was five minutes to seven o'clock. "Whoa." He thought. "I better get to the pokemon center.
Aaron was there when Allen got there. "'sup man, I got us the poketechs." "Sweet." Allen said back. "I got you a blue one, but its called thunder blue; don't ask me why, I have no idea. I had to pay extra to get a shade of green, so I'm almost out of money, I'm afraid you will have to get the tab tomorrow." "Okay." Allen replied. "But I'm almost out of money myself. I've got about twenty dollars left of what we saved." "Wow, we better see if we can get some small jobs tomorrow while we're in Oreburgh city.
Syntax: Like prostitution?
"Okay then, I guess we better get going to bed." Just as they were about to enter the pokemon center one of professor rowans aides ran up to them.
Jax: He'd been stalking them for the past day and a half, so he knows exactly where to find them.
"Boys! Professor Rowan wanted me to give these to you." The aide handed a pokedex to each of them. "Thanks." They said together. "No problem, now you two better get inside." "Alright," Aaron said "I've got to call mom anyways."
Later, once they were inside they called their mother. "Hey mom, how are you holding up without us?"
Jax: [as their mother] "Hold on, honey. Mommy can't quite hear you over the sounds of her drunken celebration."
Aaron asked. "Oh, I am doing just fine. I got a squirtle from Professor Rowan; he thought I could use it after you boys left.
Andy: Because nothing replaces your only children like a water-spewing, blue turtle.
Your older brother, Darius, sent me a Dratini and I currently am letting it swim around in a pond squirtle made in the backyard." "Sounds cool,"
Jax: [as their mother] "Hold on, honey. Dratini's trying to eat Mommy's squirtle."
Syntax: Oh baby.
Aaron said "I might be able to get you some good pokemon; I heard that Bebe, the PC person, can get you my PC's account password. I will tell you what pokemon you can have." "Thank you," His, Mom replied "I will look forward to it." "Okay, goodbye mom." "Okay, goodbye Aaron."
When Aaron got up to there room
Syntax: [with a Southern accent] That there room.
in the pokemon center Allen had already claimed top bunk, but Aaron noticed something Allen had failed to notice. "Dude,
Andy: I get the feeling that if we made a drinking game in which we'd drink every time one of them said "dude," we'd be on the floor by now.
there's two bunk beds in here; I can just sleep in the other top bunk." "Oh," Allen replied "I didn't notice that."
The next day the twins decided to head to Oreburgh city to challenge the first gym. Along the way they found an apple tree. "We better train up our pokemon before the gym." Aaron said, while Allen was stuffing his pockets with apples off of a tree they found. "Good idea," Allen said, between bites of apple "I'll get to that in a second." "Whatever."
Jax: Guys, I figured it out. Actually, these twins are from the 90's, so all they can say are 90's clichés.
Aaron said. Aaron decided against it however, for his stomach was rumbling. "Maybe it is time to eat," Aaron said, reaching for an apple. "Dude,"
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Dude. Be excellent to each other. Life is so tubular."
Allen said "if its lunchtime we shouldn't hog the food! Our pokemon deserve as much food as we get!" "Alright," Aaron replied "Go, Piplup and Eevee!" Aaron said, releasing his pokemon, "Your turn dude." "Gotcha," Allen said back, while sending out his pokemon "Go, Chimchar and Shinx!" After all was said and done
Jax: Making this part of the story completely and utterly relevant to the actual plot.
the two decided it was time to move on. "Come on Eevee!" Aaron said, "Get in your pokeball!" "Dude,
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Dude!"
Syntax: [same] "Dude!"
Andy: "Dude."
Syntax: "Dude…"
calm down, maybe your Eevee is one of those pokemon who don't like to be in a pokeball." Allen said (afterwards however he realized he said something that made a lot of sense and screamed. The bad part about this is that this was in the middle of the night, and both Aaron and his Eevee tackled him.)
Jax: Also completely relevant to this particular moment.
Andy: Oh, be kind, Jax. Clearly, it's foreshadowing for something that won't actually happen later. Who needs subtlety?
"Alright," Aaron said, "It will be kinda cool to have a pokemon out at all times."
"Ha-HAH!" Aaron shouted, "Another one for the twins!" "Okay then, where is our prize money you guys?" Allen said, greedily as ever. "Here ya go, twenty dollars, just like we said." The other two trainers
Syntax: Who were definitely there the entire time.
said. "Why did you say twenty?" the rich boy said to his rich sister. "I thought they would be pushovers, okay?" The girl said. They left, arguing all the way. "Spoiled" Aaron thought. Suddenly, behind them Aaron's piplup started to glow. "Dude"
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Sweet!"
Allen said, after noticing his piplup "Turn around." Aaron did so and noticed two things, one of which Allen had failed to noticed. One, Piplup was evolving, two, a misdreavus was sneaking into Allen's bag.
All: Convenient.
"Whoa!" Was all Aaron could manage, for at the same time two big things happened, one, he now had a Prinplup, and two, the misdreavus had managed to get into Allen pokeball compartment and get caught.
Jax: Well, that's both highly unlikely and convenient. Makes perfect sense for it to just happen.
"Too much to handle!" Aaron shouted, returning his newly gotten Prinplup to its pokeball and running the rest of the distance to Oreburgh, just to get somewhere where he could take in something and not explode. Allen was not far behind him, and was also wondering where his newly filled pokeball came from.
Syntax: From a little thing we like to call "deus ex machina."
"Dude" Allen said once he caught up, between gasps for air of course, "what was that?" "You got a Misdreavus at the same time I got a Prinplup!"
Andy: [as Allen] "In a completely improbable but thoroughly amusing chain of events."
Aaron said, calmed down. "Whoa," Allen said "so that's what is in this pokeball." "Yes, that is what is in that pokeball." Aaron said, walking up to the desk of the pokemon center. "One room please."
Syntax: [as Aaron] "My twin and I have to have a twincest moment. There hasn't been enough fan service in this fic."
Aaron said to the local nurse Joy. "Coming right up." Nurse Joy replied.
Andy: [as Nurse Joy] "Would you like fries with that?"
"Well, finally in Oreburgh city, they grow up so fast." Said a mystery man,
Jax: Ten bucks says this is the obligatory deadbeat father.
Syntax: Either that, or the boys attract really shady stalkers.
sitting outside the window of the boys room on a tree branch,
Andy: Sorry, Jax, but I'm starting to think Syntax is right here.
"better get going though, wouldn't you agree Espeon?" "Espy!" the Espeon replied.
Andy: The amazing tree-climbing espeon.
[The credits begin to roll.]
[Jax and Syntax reenter the control room of the Satellite of Love. Jax stands to the left, while Syntax hovers on the right.]
Jax: Well, let's see. This fic had subtlety, clever use of twins, language that we all use in our daily lives…
Syntax: Don't forget appropriate use of grammar, spelling, and paragraph spacing.
Jax: Oh, of course. [pauses] Hey. Where's Andy?
Syntax: Huh? Oh, I don't know. I thought he was right here with us when—
[Andy suddenly screams and flies into the room from the right and collides with Syntax. The latter screams and drops out of the air like a brick. Jax and Andy stare at the groaning Syntax (who is currently out of the shot) for a long moment before they look at each other.]
Andy: See, Jax? That's how you ninja-attack a psychic.
Jax: Oh. I get it now. [turns to face the camera] Well, Astinus, what do you think?
[The camera cuts to a shot of Astinus in her igloo, sitting upon her ice throne and being served drinks by her piplup minions.]
Astinus: Dude, that's a great idea for a sneak attack against all psychic pokémon. Why didn't I think of that?
[The camera cuts back to the Satellite of Love.]
Jax: Uh… right. You know what? We're just going to end the episode here, and whatever happens to Earth is not our problem right now. Good night, everyone!
[She waves and exits to the left. Andy waves a wing and exits to the right. For a long moment, there's nothing but silence.]
Syntax: [unseen] Uh… a little help? Jax? Andy? …Anyone?
[OPENING, INT., Satellite of Love. Andy and Syntax are already at the controls, reading a large, leather-bound book. Jax comes in from the right.]
Jax: Hey! Welcome, everyone, to the Satellite of Love. I'm Jax, and these are my partners— [glances down to take notice of Andy and Syntax] Hey, guys. What're you doing here?
Syntax: Oh, we're just reading this book we found in that box of stuff that you were planning on jettisoning.
Andy: Yeah. It's called the King James Bible. It's really interesting stuff. I can't imagine why you'd want to get rid of such a fascinating work of fiction.
[Jax stares at the camera and smiles awkwardly while motioning frantically and mouthing, "We're just kidding."]
Syntax: But hey. I'm kinda feeling a bit funny. It's like… I found something.
Andy: [stops and looks up] Yeah… You know what? I'm kinda feeling it too.
Both: Like a light is shining down upon me from somewhere on high…
[A light mysteriously shines on them. Jax reaches past to hit the flashing yellow button on the controls.]
Jax: Guys, it's just Astinus.
[The camera cuts to a shot of Astinus in a room made of snow – the throne room of Astinus Castle. She's sitting upon an ice throne, surrounded by piplup.]
Astinus: Just me? Valentine, I'll have you know that I'm a well-respected figure.
[Cut: Back on the Satellite.]
Jax: [genuinely impressed] Oh really? Just among your piplup army, or has it finally moved out yet?
[Cut: Astinus Castle.]
Astinus: My piplup army is vast and mighty. We'll be ready to take on other lands soon, and when we do, they'll all bow to me!
[Cut: Satellite.]
Jax: Well, that's great to hear. It's always nice to see someone advancing in life. Like when coworkers who have been in the same department for fewer years get promoted before you do. Or when people who spend most of their college days partying end up on the Dean's List while you work your tail off to get by on a—
Andy: Hey, Jax. The Lord said to turn the other cheek.
Syntax: Yeah, love thy neighbor just as thou wish to be loved or something like that.
[Jax is about to add something else when she takes a breath instead. At this point, she visibly calms.]
Jax: You know what, guys? You're right. Astinus, what's our fic for today?
[Cut: Astinus Castle.]
Astinus: Well, today, you're going to get a bit lucky. Your experiment for this week is called A twin adventure. It's a feel-good comedy about a pair of twins who set out on a pokémon journey through Sinnoh, only to soon discover that they're the chosen ones. Expect hilarity with these two trainers. They're both wise-crackers. Enjoy! [presses a button on her throne's arm rest]
[Cut: Satellite.]
Syntax: So, it should really be better than usual because it's a refreshing spin on a tired genre, right?
Andy: I wouldn't bet on it.
Jax: Hey, guys, does it make either of you feel at all old that we're already getting badfic from Generation IV to spoof? I mean, seriously, my worst fic was back when all we had was Gen I.
Andy: Gen IV? Gen I? What are you talking about, woman?
Syntax: Obviously, Jax is a witch. Quick! Get a minister! She's speaking in tongues!
[The lights begin to flash as the stage begins to shake.]
Jax: You know what? Never mind. It's fanfiction sign! [hits one of the flashing buttons on the control panel]
Syntax: Back, devil woman! Back! THOU SHALT NOT SUFFER A WITCH TO LIVE!
[Andy floats away screaming. Jax rolls her eyes and heads towards the hatch with Syntax spouting Christian verses at her.]
---
[Jax enters the theater with both pokémon in tow. Syntax is still spouting random gibberish at her as the three of them sit down.]
Jax: If you don't stop that, I won't give you dessert for a week.
Syntax: I'm done.
[The first words of the fanfiction appear on the screen.]
"Dude! Wake up! WAKE UP!!! Don't make me get the bucket!" "Okay! Okay! I don't like ice water first thing in the morning!" Aaron replied to his brother, Allen.
Andy: Alliterative names. Sure sign of twins.
Jax: Or a mother who doesn't care at all that her children will have the crap beaten out of them.
"Good, today is our birthday, were finally old enough to get our pokemon trainers licenses"
Jax: A trainer's license is not a license to kill the English language. Right, Syntax?
Syntax: [sobbing] My brothers and sisters are crying out in anguish!
Allen said. So the brothers got up, got dressed, and ate much more than there fair share of waffles. They then got out of the house (after their mother chased them out because they found her stash of chocolate)
Syntax: It was right next to her stash of drugs, dirty magazines, counterfeit money, and illegal fireworks.
and went to the trainers academy for their final exam, the one were they would get their trainers licenses. Of course it was the first and only test they studied for in their life.
Andy: You know, we can't really make fun of characters for being stupid if they actually are. That's like making fun of a snorlax for being fat.
Their teacher started to pass out their tests. Of course, she didn't want to get up so she had to the students get up for their tests. She called them both up at once, as usual, to save time. "Aaron, Allen." They both got up, and much to their delight they both got A's on their tests. "YES!!!" they both shouted rather loudly, and of course attracted the whole classes' attention.
Andy: Because no one else believed that the resident frat boys would actually make it.
They quickly shuffled back to their seats, with embarrassed looks on their faces. Not long after they got out of school. Luckily,
Jax: Which is badfic speak for "deus ex machina."
their mother had gotten them an abra for this day and since they had just gotten their licenses they could have abra teleport to the pokemon center, which luckily was located next to professor's lab.
Jax: Oh yes. It's very convenient for all those mad scientist experiments the professor tends to perform.
Syntax: So many half-growlithe, half-jynx abominations to be treated. It's so sad.
They rushed in to professor Rowans lab and as all children did on their exam day. An elderly man approached them, otherwise known as professor rowan coolly said to them (after they stopped panting of course) "Wow boys, I knew you were eager, but I didn't expect you to get here so fast, most children take at least five minutes to get here from the academy. How did you get so fast?"
Andy: Steroids.
Aaron held up the pokeball abra was in and let abra out. "Ahh that explains how you got here so fast, I never expected kids to use an abra to get to my lab faster than all of the other kids." "Well, we did" Allen replied.
"Well than boys, mind if I guess the pokemon you want?" "Go ahead." The twins replied. "okay then, black hair, slightly tall, medium weight. Different opinions on pokemon though, guessing by the blue and red colored vests you two always are wearing.
Syntax: What he didn't know was that the twins only wore that because otherwise, they wouldn't be able to tell themselves apart.
Aaron you want a Piplup
Andy: [as Aaron] "But I'm Allen."
and Allen you want a Chimchar." The professor then went to the back room to get the pokemon. "Wow, he is good at that." Allen said. "years of practice, I bet."
Jax: Or five minutes interpreting obvious color symbolism.
Just then the doors burst open and the person the twins least wanted to see strode in casually.
Syntax: Uh oh. Cue obligatory obnoxious rival.
Andy: Is it possible to get any more obnoxious than the main characters?
"Hello dweebs."
Jax: Somehow, I get the feeling that's a bad thing to say to people who outnumber you and could very well gang up on you outside to beat the crap out of you and take your lunch money.
The kid said to them "What are you doing here?" "what do you think?" Aaron said with an angry tone in his voice "we're here to get our pokemon, Zack."
Syntax: Oh, that's cute. The rival with a name that begins with the letter at the opposite end of the alphabet from the main characters.
Andy: I like it when a story doesn't believe in subtlety.
Just then Professor Rowan got back from the back room and handed them their pokeballs "One Piplup and one Chimchar." Aaron and Allen grabbed their pokeballs and left, trying to avoid Zack as much as possible.
They left the next day and left for Jubilife city. They had stocked up at the pokemart (luckily so because of what happened not long after they left sandgem town.)
Andy: Who needs subtlety when you're trying to do foreshadowing anyway?
Allen was ahead and was lucky enough to spot a shinx. "Whoa a shinx!" he exclaimed. " I hear they are awfully hard to raise, I don't think I will try to find one." Allen sent out his Chimchar and the battle began!
Jax: So… he doesn't wish to find one, so he decides to battle it anyway instead of let it go?
Andy: Who needs logic in a pokémon fic?
(Recap) Allen sent out his Chimchar and the battle against shinx began!
Andy: Well, considering this chapter is right after the one in which this happens, this is completely necessary.
"Chimchar, use scratch!" Allen said. Chimchar obeyed and scratched shinx.
Jax: Exciting description there. I can imagine this battle perfectly. It's thrilling.
"Good! Now scratch him again to finish him off!" Chimchar was about to scratch shinx again when shinx pulled off a tackle and threw Chimchar off his feet. "Chimchar!" Allen yelled. "Dude! Use a potion!" Aaron said to his brother.
Jax: After one hit?
Andy: Pansy!
Syntax: And you know Chimchar's weak when Andy says he is.
Andy: Hey…!
"Good idea!" Allen replied. Allen sprayed the potion on Chimchar and he got back up. "Now Chimchar, use scratch again!" Chimchar scratched shinx and shinx wobbled, fell over, and got back up. "Perfect, now is the time to throw a pokeball!" And that is just what Allen did.
Jax: Didn't he say earlier he didn't want one?
Syntax: Well, now, see, that was actually Aaron. Even the reader isn't supposed to tell them apart.
The pokeball wobbled once, twice, three times, and then it stopped, sat there and clicked. "YES!!!" Allen shouted, all the while doing some sort of weird dance. "Dude, stop." Aaron said "Someone might see you." "Alright, I will." Allen replied, with a rather scared tone in his voice. "Just don't get the bucket, please don't get the bucket."
Syntax: [as Allen] "I promise I'll be good! Please, no whipping!"
"Okay, okay, okay, I will do you one better, Piplup, go!" Aaron shouted, "Use bubble!" Piplup sprayed Allen with an ice cold blast of water. Allen the said in a somewhat gargled voice"Hey! How come your piplup knows bubble?" "Oh, that. I snuck in the middle of the night
Andy: Who needs to tell the reader how much time has lapsed between chapters? That's not important at all!
to train Piplup." "Awww, man how come I didn't think of that?"
Allen mumbled to himself.
All: Because you're stupid?
So the brothers continued on their way to Jubilife city. After about fifteen minutes of walking through an area of rather tall grass they came across an even rarer sight than shinx. "Whoa! An Eevee!"
Jax: Obligatory eevee sighting? Check!
Aaron said, rather loudly of course. "Hey! Eevee come back here!" Another trainer suddenly came out the grassy area, shouting for his Eevee.
Andy: Bill?
Jax: Where?!
The Eevee in question ran and hid behind Aarons legs. "Please give me my Eevee, if you wouldn't mind." The trainer asked.
Eevee just sat behind Aarons legs, trembling in fear. "Ummm, I don't know. Eevee seems pretty scared of you."
Syntax: Well, Bill, that's what you get for performing horrific experiments on your rare pokémon.
Aaron replied. "Well I don't care, just give it back." The other trainer snarled. "Unless you can trade for it." "Okay" Aaron said. "What do you want?" "An Abra."
All: That's convenient.
He replied.
"Dude, give him abra." Aaron said to Allen "Alright..." Allen replied.
(Recap) Allen entered the pokemon academy in Jubilife city
Jax: And when in the previous chapter did this happen?
and got in a double battle with a couple of students from the academy.
"Chimchar, shinx go!" Allen said, sending out his pokemon. "Abra, go!" The boy shouted. "Ralts, you go too!" The other boy said. "Chimchar use scratch on abra and then shinx, use tackle on ralts!" Chimchar attacked abra and abra swayed a little but stayed put. Shinx attempted to tackle ralts but ralts dodged it and used confusion. "Shinx!" Allen shouted "Are you alright?" "Shinx!" shinx called back, while getting back up. "Ralts, use confusion on Chimchar!" The ralts' owner called to him. "Abra, use psywave!" abra used psywave on Chimchar
Andy: It's a special, magical abra that can use moves abra don't normally know.
and ralts used confusion on Chimchar. "Chimchar!" Allen called "Are you okay?" Chimchar tried to get up but couldn't.
Syntax: Because you have the super-wussy chimchar, Allen. The one that can't fight its way out of a paper bag.
"Chimchar, come back!" Allen said, while calling him back into his pokeball. Ralts and abra were distracted with their cheering, so Allen hatched a daring plan. "Shinx," He whispered "Use tackle, now!" Shinx tackled both pokemon and they both fell down.
Jax: And Kimba the Blue Lion managed to ninja-attack a pair of psychics… how?
Syntax: Magic.
"Yes!" Allen shouted "Abra!" one boy shouted. "Ralts!" the other shouted. Both pokemon fell over and were unable to get up. "Yes!" Allen shouted again" I win!" After some bragging, gloating, and assorted cheering Allen walked up to the two boys and said "Can I have my TM now?" "Oh, alright." One boy said "Here you go; it's hidden power, its power and effect differ depending on where you are."
Andy: …Which doesn't actually describe Hidden Power at all.
"Thank you, I'll be leaving now." And that is just what he did. He took a look at the clock tower in town and noticed it was five minutes to seven o'clock. "Whoa." He thought. "I better get to the pokemon center.
Aaron was there when Allen got there. "'sup man, I got us the poketechs." "Sweet." Allen said back. "I got you a blue one, but its called thunder blue; don't ask me why, I have no idea. I had to pay extra to get a shade of green, so I'm almost out of money, I'm afraid you will have to get the tab tomorrow." "Okay." Allen replied. "But I'm almost out of money myself. I've got about twenty dollars left of what we saved." "Wow, we better see if we can get some small jobs tomorrow while we're in Oreburgh city.
Syntax: Like prostitution?
"Okay then, I guess we better get going to bed." Just as they were about to enter the pokemon center one of professor rowans aides ran up to them.
Jax: He'd been stalking them for the past day and a half, so he knows exactly where to find them.
"Boys! Professor Rowan wanted me to give these to you." The aide handed a pokedex to each of them. "Thanks." They said together. "No problem, now you two better get inside." "Alright," Aaron said "I've got to call mom anyways."
Later, once they were inside they called their mother. "Hey mom, how are you holding up without us?"
Jax: [as their mother] "Hold on, honey. Mommy can't quite hear you over the sounds of her drunken celebration."
Aaron asked. "Oh, I am doing just fine. I got a squirtle from Professor Rowan; he thought I could use it after you boys left.
Andy: Because nothing replaces your only children like a water-spewing, blue turtle.
Your older brother, Darius, sent me a Dratini and I currently am letting it swim around in a pond squirtle made in the backyard." "Sounds cool,"
Jax: [as their mother] "Hold on, honey. Dratini's trying to eat Mommy's squirtle."
Syntax: Oh baby.
Aaron said "I might be able to get you some good pokemon; I heard that Bebe, the PC person, can get you my PC's account password. I will tell you what pokemon you can have." "Thank you," His, Mom replied "I will look forward to it." "Okay, goodbye mom." "Okay, goodbye Aaron."
When Aaron got up to there room
Syntax: [with a Southern accent] That there room.
in the pokemon center Allen had already claimed top bunk, but Aaron noticed something Allen had failed to notice. "Dude,
Andy: I get the feeling that if we made a drinking game in which we'd drink every time one of them said "dude," we'd be on the floor by now.
there's two bunk beds in here; I can just sleep in the other top bunk." "Oh," Allen replied "I didn't notice that."
The next day the twins decided to head to Oreburgh city to challenge the first gym. Along the way they found an apple tree. "We better train up our pokemon before the gym." Aaron said, while Allen was stuffing his pockets with apples off of a tree they found. "Good idea," Allen said, between bites of apple "I'll get to that in a second." "Whatever."
Jax: Guys, I figured it out. Actually, these twins are from the 90's, so all they can say are 90's clichés.
Aaron said. Aaron decided against it however, for his stomach was rumbling. "Maybe it is time to eat," Aaron said, reaching for an apple. "Dude,"
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Dude. Be excellent to each other. Life is so tubular."
Allen said "if its lunchtime we shouldn't hog the food! Our pokemon deserve as much food as we get!" "Alright," Aaron replied "Go, Piplup and Eevee!" Aaron said, releasing his pokemon, "Your turn dude." "Gotcha," Allen said back, while sending out his pokemon "Go, Chimchar and Shinx!" After all was said and done
Jax: Making this part of the story completely and utterly relevant to the actual plot.
the two decided it was time to move on. "Come on Eevee!" Aaron said, "Get in your pokeball!" "Dude,
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Dude!"
Syntax: [same] "Dude!"
Andy: "Dude."
Syntax: "Dude…"
calm down, maybe your Eevee is one of those pokemon who don't like to be in a pokeball." Allen said (afterwards however he realized he said something that made a lot of sense and screamed. The bad part about this is that this was in the middle of the night, and both Aaron and his Eevee tackled him.)
Jax: Also completely relevant to this particular moment.
Andy: Oh, be kind, Jax. Clearly, it's foreshadowing for something that won't actually happen later. Who needs subtlety?
"Alright," Aaron said, "It will be kinda cool to have a pokemon out at all times."
"Ha-HAH!" Aaron shouted, "Another one for the twins!" "Okay then, where is our prize money you guys?" Allen said, greedily as ever. "Here ya go, twenty dollars, just like we said." The other two trainers
Syntax: Who were definitely there the entire time.
said. "Why did you say twenty?" the rich boy said to his rich sister. "I thought they would be pushovers, okay?" The girl said. They left, arguing all the way. "Spoiled" Aaron thought. Suddenly, behind them Aaron's piplup started to glow. "Dude"
Andy: [as a stereotypical 90's slacker] "Sweet!"
Allen said, after noticing his piplup "Turn around." Aaron did so and noticed two things, one of which Allen had failed to noticed. One, Piplup was evolving, two, a misdreavus was sneaking into Allen's bag.
All: Convenient.
"Whoa!" Was all Aaron could manage, for at the same time two big things happened, one, he now had a Prinplup, and two, the misdreavus had managed to get into Allen pokeball compartment and get caught.
Jax: Well, that's both highly unlikely and convenient. Makes perfect sense for it to just happen.
"Too much to handle!" Aaron shouted, returning his newly gotten Prinplup to its pokeball and running the rest of the distance to Oreburgh, just to get somewhere where he could take in something and not explode. Allen was not far behind him, and was also wondering where his newly filled pokeball came from.
Syntax: From a little thing we like to call "deus ex machina."
"Dude" Allen said once he caught up, between gasps for air of course, "what was that?" "You got a Misdreavus at the same time I got a Prinplup!"
Andy: [as Allen] "In a completely improbable but thoroughly amusing chain of events."
Aaron said, calmed down. "Whoa," Allen said "so that's what is in this pokeball." "Yes, that is what is in that pokeball." Aaron said, walking up to the desk of the pokemon center. "One room please."
Syntax: [as Aaron] "My twin and I have to have a twincest moment. There hasn't been enough fan service in this fic."
Aaron said to the local nurse Joy. "Coming right up." Nurse Joy replied.
Andy: [as Nurse Joy] "Would you like fries with that?"
"Well, finally in Oreburgh city, they grow up so fast." Said a mystery man,
Jax: Ten bucks says this is the obligatory deadbeat father.
Syntax: Either that, or the boys attract really shady stalkers.
sitting outside the window of the boys room on a tree branch,
Andy: Sorry, Jax, but I'm starting to think Syntax is right here.
"better get going though, wouldn't you agree Espeon?" "Espy!" the Espeon replied.
Andy: The amazing tree-climbing espeon.
[The credits begin to roll.]
---
[Jax and Syntax reenter the control room of the Satellite of Love. Jax stands to the left, while Syntax hovers on the right.]
Jax: Well, let's see. This fic had subtlety, clever use of twins, language that we all use in our daily lives…
Syntax: Don't forget appropriate use of grammar, spelling, and paragraph spacing.
Jax: Oh, of course. [pauses] Hey. Where's Andy?
Syntax: Huh? Oh, I don't know. I thought he was right here with us when—
[Andy suddenly screams and flies into the room from the right and collides with Syntax. The latter screams and drops out of the air like a brick. Jax and Andy stare at the groaning Syntax (who is currently out of the shot) for a long moment before they look at each other.]
Andy: See, Jax? That's how you ninja-attack a psychic.
Jax: Oh. I get it now. [turns to face the camera] Well, Astinus, what do you think?
[The camera cuts to a shot of Astinus in her igloo, sitting upon her ice throne and being served drinks by her piplup minions.]
Astinus: Dude, that's a great idea for a sneak attack against all psychic pokémon. Why didn't I think of that?
[The camera cuts back to the Satellite of Love.]
Jax: Uh… right. You know what? We're just going to end the episode here, and whatever happens to Earth is not our problem right now. Good night, everyone!
[She waves and exits to the left. Andy waves a wing and exits to the right. For a long moment, there's nothing but silence.]
Syntax: [unseen] Uh… a little help? Jax? Andy? …Anyone?
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