[Pokémon] Shattered [M]

Misheard Whisper · Jul 9, 2009

Thanks, Citrinin. That completely escaped me. ^_^ *is bonkers* I'm glad you like the chapter. Oh, and guys? Don't forget, I can put you on the PM list if you like.

Miz en Scène · Jul 9, 2009

This time, I'm not going to jump headfirst into grammatical corrections and plot holes because, frankly, I didn't find that many (and because Citrinin just posted his review while I was writing this). So yeah, I still like your fic though, it gives me something to read about and look forward to. (:
Instead, I'm going to compliment this fic in my post which is something I don't normally do at first.

No," she said, "but you were awfully quiet. So . . . have you made a decision yet?" Tyson sighed.

"No, Haley, I haven't. I – I can't. Not yet. I need to . . . talk about it, and look at both sides of the equation, you know?"

"Alright," said Haley matter-of-factly. "On the one side, you go on the journey of a lifetime, raise Pokémon, meet new people, see new places and learn so much as you go along. On the other hand, you can be stuck in school for another three and a half years doing geometry and physics."

"When you put it that way, there's no contest," he smiled uneasily. "But you know I have to stay in school, Haley. You know I can't get into university if I drop out now! And I hardly think this Pokémon Journey is going to be wrapped up within a couple of months."Please,his eyes begged her, don't do this to me. Haley could tell that he was struggling, and felt sorry for him. He so badly wanted to do both, but undertaking one course would mean forfeiting the other.

Tyson's character has really developed over these past few chapters. Honestly, I'm impressed, not many writers pull this of so splendidly. To me, it shows Tyson's character as the methodical and more mature one of the two.

"OK. Thanks, Mum!" She drifted off absently, her mind on anything but homework.

Lulz, that's so typical, this happens to me sometimes too… XD

The first question was easy. They had covered Basic Pokémon Capture Methods just last week. Reading the second question again, Haley scribbled down the Three Rules, the unwritten laws one must abide by to be a real Pokémon Trainer. Always be vigilant. Always be honourable. Always be true.That last one, Mr Jay had explained, could be interpreted in different ways. Be true to your friends. Be true to your Pokémon. Be true to yourself. Mr Jay was a stickler for philosophy and virtues.

To me, this part was somewhat okay but still, it would be quite cliché to let your fic revolve around these three unwritten laws.

Spoiler:

That is to say, if Tyson did something bad during the journey and Haley just started spouting out this random crap. XD

"The seminar starts at five, so I'll be going now, love. I'll see you in a couple of hours. If you guys are hungry, there are leftovers in the fridge. Make sure you lock the door behind me, and don't unlock it unless it's your father and I. Don't-"

"Mum!" Haley interrupted her. Elizabeth smiled.

"Sorry. Bye, love."

Perfect view of the overprotective mother. XD

As soon as she was sure her mother had gone, Haley slammed her textbook shut and went across the hallway to Tyson's room. Peeking in, she saw Tyson lying stretched out on his bed, his nose buried inThe Hound of the Baskervilles. He closed the book when he saw her, however, sitting up to look at her.

"Well?" he asked.

"Well what?" she replied.

"You obviously came in here to say something. What is it?" he pressed. Haley sighed, steeling herself.

"Look, I know this is hard for you. And I just wanted to say that if you don't want to go on the Pokémon Journey . . . if you want to stay and go to university . . . that's OK with me," she said finally. Tyson's eyes widened slightly.

"You . . . you don't mind?" he asked in disbelief.

Perfect twist on brother sister relationships by the way.

"Actually, love, Mr Jay spoke tonight as well. He said you would in fact be carrying on your curriculum on the Pokémon Journey," Elizabeth explained. Tyson's eyes flickered.

"What? How?"

"He says you'll be doing revision along the way. The League is supplying each student with a digital notebook equipped with multiple educational programs. Apparently if you do an hour a day, you'll be able to take end-of-year exams online, overseen by your mentor to make sure you don't cheat." Haley saw the ghost of a smile begin to form on her brother's face, and felt an identical grin creeping onto her own.

"You mean I can go on the Pokémon Journey . . . and still come back at the end of it and go to university?" he asked in disbelief.

"Pretty much, yes," Jacob agreed, grinning broadly.

"Are you sure that'd be . . . enough?" Tyson asked uncertainly. "I mean, do you think it would qualify as an education? An hour a day seems awfully fishy . . ."

Don't you just love these moments, when someone surprises you with something good… XD

Overall, a pretty good story and I'm looking forward to more. However, the philosophy in this fic is pretty deep (unlike most others) hmmm *strokes beard*.
What the hell, you've infected me with your freaking beard! *throws it back to Sparkling Dragon, screaming*
XD.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 9, 2009

Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you're enjoying this. No, rest assured this will not revolve around the Three Laws. They may come into play, but at this point they're just filler, really.

Ah! Beard! *runs away screaming to hide behind Shinji-kun* Save me!
Shinji: You're pathetic.

Bay · Jul 11, 2009

I say you did Haley's perspective well here. You really developed her character really well there, I can really feel the emotions there. :D Also, I just love Jacob here. I wish my dad is like him! XD

There's one thing I want to mention, though.

"Oh," he said in a small voice. "I see." He turned to look at his parents. "What do you think?" he asked.

"If you want to do it, love, we've got all the paperwork right here," Elizabeth said, tapping a stack of paper on the bench behind her. Tyson took a deep breath.

"OK," he said. "I'm doing it."

This part I felt you could expand a lot. Here I think you could have Haley be all tense and wonder if her brother will go through this and also try to pick that up by his facial expressions. After Tyson gives his answer, show how she's all happy and such.

Nothing else to say but I enjoyed this chapter a lot and a good setup for what's to come. :) Can't wait next chapter!

Legendarian Mistress · Jul 12, 2009

Thus begins my review…

LegendaryPokémon of Hoenn

LegendaryPokémon

Shouldn't that be Legendary Pokémon, my friend?

That was the only major mistake I saw. Other than that, the fic so far is quite good. I really liked the last scene in Chapter 2. Sets the atmosphere up quite nicely.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 13, 2009

Thanks to both of you for your reviews.

@Bay, duly noted. I will fix that once I finish Chapter 3, WHICH SHOULD BE UP ALREADY! *kicks self* Oh well, I have another 7 hours and 13 minutes of Monday left.

@Kyuu-chan, fixed; thanks for pointing that out. Italics really does not translate well to BBCode, especially when one must go through and remove all formatting before manually re-italicising everything that needs to be italicised. /endrant. I'm glad you're enjoying the story, though. After all, why else would I be writing it? ^_~

Ibuberu · Jul 13, 2009

Sparkling Dragon said:
Um, I can't really see what you're getting at. 'I see your point, but why the sudden change in philosophy?' is a single sentence, and doesn't really need the hyphen there, does it?

Hmm, I get your point, since we usually use a hyphen when a person stops midway in a sentence and then continues. In this case, she didn't stop midway, but you broke the one sentence into two by adding the 'she said slowly' in between them.

So it was originally :
"I see your point," she said slowly, "but why the sudden change in philosophy?

And then there's :
"I see your point," she said slowly, "-but why the sudden change in philosophy?

Personally I feel that the second sentence looks better than the first one, since the 'hyphen' acts as a joining point between the two speeches. Of course, its up to you :3

Yup. Yup. I'll be reviewing the chapter you just posted up soon, then.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 13, 2009

Hmm . . . I was never taught that rule, but you seem to know what you're about, so I decided to go look it up. From a reliable source, go here and look at rule #4, or even Wikipedia-

Wikipedia said:
When quoted text is interrupted, such as with the phrase he said, a closing quotation mark is used before the interruption, and an opening quotation mark after. Commas are also often used before and after the interruption, more often for quotations of speech than for quotations of text:
"HAL," noted Frank, "said that everything was going extremely well."

-although Wikipe-tan is hardly reliable, as we all know.

Yeah, um. I haven't actually seen any author use a hyphen after a speech break. Nor has anyone suggested I do so until now. I'm confused, then.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 13, 2009

Chapter 3 - Today

Here we go! Better late than never, right?

Chapter 3
Today

June 15, 2000

"What do you mean it's happening today?" Haley shrieked. Tyson blinked.

"I mean it's happening today. They're starting the Pokémon Journey Project this afternoon." Haley put her hands on her head and squeezed.

"I cannot believe this!" she wailed, pacing around the room in agitation as Tyson watched calmly from the doorway. "They certainly haven't wasted any time!"

"Mum faxed in the paperwork last night," Tyson explained. "They replied saying it was all verified, and would be starting at three-thirty this afternoon. It's all a bit fishy, if you ask me. How would they have done it so fast?"

"This is an experiment, remember?" Haley reminded him. "They'll have had this planned out for ages, so they were probably just waiting for the permission forms and everything before they got it started."

"Even so . . ." Tyson said uncertainly.

"Oh, stop making such a fuss about it!" she reprimanded him good-naturedly.

Never mind the fact that you were making a fuss about it just a few seconds ago, Tyson thought to himself. Shaking his head, he left her to fret over it and went to get breakfast.

***

First period that day was Pokémon Studies, and naturally everyone was buzzing with excitement over the Pokémon Journey Project. The only one not talking when Tyson and Haley arrived was Alexis, who immediately came over to them, a huge grin on her face.

"I'm doing it!" she exclaimed. "Mum and Dad were absolutely OK with it! Can you believe that?"

"Really?" asked Haley. "I've met your parents. They always seemed, I dunno . . . overprotective?"

"Yeah, I know. I never thought I'd be able to convince them, but it turned out they wanted me to do something like this!"

"That doesn't sound like them," said Tyson, frowning. "Did they explain why they were suddenly OK with this sort of thing?"

"Dad said something about me finally growing up, if you can imagine that. Mum . . . well, Mum just went along with it. It's crazy, but isn't it great?" she cried.

Leaving Haley and Alexis squealing happily, Tyson wandered off to try and seek solace. None was forthcoming. Upon reaching his seat, he found that all he could do was put his head on his desk and his hands over his ears in a semi-successful attempt to block out the chaos.

It still feels rushed, he told himself. They only gave one day's warning. That's ludicrous. It's like they're putting pressure on us to make sure we don't think it through. But that was absurd in itself. Why would the Pokémon League – and the government, for that matter – want to do that? Maybe they just wanted to get it underway, seeing as they'd obviously been working on this for a long time. That would be it.

"All right! Volume . . . off!" Mr Jay proclaimed as he strode into the room. There was a sudden scramble as everyone claimed their seats, then silence. "All right, then," he said, rubbing his hands together, "let's get started. Today, I want to discuss the Pokémon Journey Program. Dr. Goldstein will explain how things are going to work this afternoon, but he's asked me to go over some of the smaller details so that it doesn't take hours this afternoon.

"Now, as I am sure you are all aware by now, you will be travelling in groups of three, along with an experienced Trainer who will act as mentor and guardian. I have already determined these groups," he said, drawing a moan from the class, "according to two factors: who I know you will work best with, and who I think you can learn something new from. These groups will be announced this afternoon. I will say now that no discussion will be entered into! You will be divided into your groups, and you will meet your mentor. He or she will discuss with you what you need to bring and go over some of the finer details. Tomorrow morning, you will begin your Pokémon Journey." Crossing to his desk, he pulled out a large cardboard box from behind it.

"In here," he explained, "are twenty-five laptops. Each of these is specially fitted for the purpose of maintaining your curriculum, as well as certain . . . other features that you may find useful. Ah, Matthew, could you help me hand these out?" Matthew, a lean, sulky-looking boy in the front row, reluctantly stood up and started removing smaller boxes from the large one. Within a couple of minutes, everyone in the class had one.

"Well, go on, then!" Mr Jay said, gesturing impatiently at the boxes. "Take a look! Why did you think I gave them to you, to use as doorstops?" Tyson glanced at Haley, who was already unpacking hers eagerly. Shaking his head, he followed suit.

He couldn't suppress a sudden intake of breath as the machine slid from its box. Sleek and crimson, with a butter-yellow stripe running across the lid, it was a work of art in itself. Lifting the lid, he pressed what he assumed to be the power button, a small blue Poké Ball logo. The screen flashed to life instantly, screeds of code running across it, too fast for the eye to follow. Glancing across, he saw that Haley's computer was doing the same, and beyond her, Alexis'.

'NEW USER IDENTIFIED' flashed up on the screen suddenly, startling him. 'PLEASE INSERT HEADPHONES'. Tyson dug around in the box for a few seconds before he found them. Glancing again at the message on the screen, he plugged them in to a small jack on the side of the computer where they seemed to fit, before uncoiling the earpieces and inserting them. 'THANK YOU' appeared on the computer screen, before it went blank completely. All that was left was whiteness. Looking sideways again, he saw Haley also wearing headphones. When she saw him looking, she shrugged and turned her attention back to her computer screen.

"Good morning, user," said a cool, female voice. "Please speak clearly into the microphone at the top of the screen." At this point, a blinking blue arrow appeared in the middle of the screen, pointing up. Looking to where it was pointing, Tyson saw a small indent marked with a stylised representation of a microphone.

"Er . . . hello?" he tried.

"Voice check complete. Microphone is in full working order. Please state your name."

"Tyson," he said, frowning.

"Your full name, please," the voice prompted calmly.

"Tyson Bach," he clarified.

"Thank you, Tyson," it said. "Searching database for 'Tyson Bach' now. Please wait." A spinning Poké Ball icon appeared where the arrow had been a few seconds ago – apparently some sort of 'please wait' signal akin to the hourglass on his computer at home.

While he waited, he pulled one headphone out of his ear and tapped Haley on the shoulder, who followed suit.

"Isn't this neat?" she asked excitedly. "It talks!"

"Lots of computers talk," Tyson demurred, "but these seem to have some sort of advanced speech recognition tech. Usually you have to spend hours 'teaching' a computer your voice, pitch and intonation before it can recognise even the most basic commands, and even then, it's unreliable. I wouldn't expect it to be able to repeat a name after hearing it just once, either."

"Uh . . . sure," said Haley, evidently not understanding a word. "But it's still cool!"

"Search complete," chimed the computer in his ear. Quickly putting his other headphone back in, Tyson returned his attention to the screen. To his surprise, a rotating 3-D image of himself filled half the screen; various pieces of personal information assembled themselves into a mini-biography on the other half. Name, age, height, all the usual, but looking a little closer . . .

"Favourite food, shoe size, sports played . . ." he muttered to himself. "Whoa . . ."

"Are you impressed, Tyson?" the computer asked. If he didn't know better, he would have said it sounded faintly amused.

"Can you . . . understand me?" he asked.

"Of course," it said somewhat smugly. "My artificial intelligence is sufficiently advanced to comprehend multiple languages, dialects and expressions."

"Well," he said softly, his mind racing. "Isn't that something?"

"Certainly. My logic base indicates that were it not something, it would have to be nothing. Something cannot be nothing; only the essence of nothing itself has this capability. Ergo, you would have theoretically created a paradox were your statement incorrect. As paradoxes are physically impossible, you would be correct to surmise that it was something." Tyson raised an eyebrow.

"Could you . . . not do that?" he asked weakly. "I don't need everything I say analysed, OK?"

"Certainly." Tyson took a deep breath.

"OK. So what else can you do?" he asked, curious.

"My primary function is to assist you throughout your Pokémon Journey by keeping you up to date with your academic education. I possess multiple programs designed to teach you appropriate techniques in mathematics, science, and to a lesser extent, English. I also have many resources if you wish to study history, as well as advanced art and music programs."

"Impressive," Tyson said, and he meant it. "You're quite the machine."

"Really?" it asked. "Thank you. I also have a videophone function, a Pokédex function, GPS capabilities and multiple smaller programs that do not need to be discussed now." Tyson nodded silently. He'd have to explore the capabilities of this computer. The possibilities were almost intimidating.

"All right!" Mr Jay's voice broke into his musings. "Computers . . . off! You have one minute to complete whatever it is you were doing before I move on. Go, go, go!"

"Microphone indicates that I am requested to power down within sixty seconds," said the computer. "Will that be all for now, Tyson?"

"Er . . . yes," he said. "I think so."

"Thank you!" it said brightly, before the screen turned totally black. Closing the lid softly, he carefully slid the laptop back into its packaging.

"Wow," breathed Haley beside him. "Just wow."

"Wow indeed," muttered Tyson. He was, of course, just as impressed with the computer's capabilities as his sister, if not more so. But he was more interested in the possibilities that came with the technology. There was nothing even remotely like it on the market. He had a speech recognition program at home that he used occasionally to dictate to his computer. It had taken weeks and weeks of reciting lists of words that appeared on the screen before it would work, and even then it was hardly reliable. Yet this computer had recognised his voice patterns, worked out what he was saying, and processed it within seconds. Not only that, the AI was phenomenally advanced.

"All right, people! Computers away, and make sure you take care of them! There will be no replacements!" Mr Jay warned. "Now, let me explain how things are going to happen this afternoon. When you arrive at the auditorium at three-thirty sharp, Dr. Goldstein will address you briefly. Then your mentors will come up one by one and read out their groups. Once you have your group, you will spend the rest of the afternoon with them as your mentors explain the practicalities of the project. That is, what you need to bring with you, how you need to prepare, et cetera et cetera. You will leave in the morning. Are there any questions?"

There were none. Every member of the class was occupied by the thought of the imminent Pokémon Journey. You could see the anticipation on every face. Shaking his head, Mr Jay began to chalk figures up on the whiteboard.

"Seeing as we've got fifteen minutes left," he said, "we might as well try and finish our unit. Now, who has the answers from last night's homework?"

***

At twenty-five past three, Tyson and Haley slipped into the auditorium and sat down on either side of Alexis, who had been sitting alone in the front row while the rest of the class sprawled across the middle of the seating area, chattering excitedly like a flock of Starly.

"Have you seen the mentors?" the redhead asked. "They've been wandering around the school for the last half an hour."

"I saw a couple," said Tyson. "Some of them don't look much older than us."

"Apparently they're all skilled Pokémon Trainers, though," said Alexis.

"I suppose so," said Haley. "They'd have to be, wouldn't they?"

"Oh no, here they come now!" squeaked Alexis. Sure enough, a line of men and women was filing into the room from a side door, led by Dr. Goldstein. While Dr. Goldstein approached the lectern in the centre of the stage, the eight or nine people who had followed him into the room sat down on a row of chairs to the side of the stage.

"Good afternoon, students," said Dr. Goldstein, the microphone magnifying his gravelly voice unnecessarily. "We are here today to begin the Sunyshore City phase of the Pokémon Journey Project. I believe you are all aware of how this is going to work, so I will not bore you with details. I am simply going to wish you the best of luck on your Pokémon Journey; I am sure you will all do exceptionally well." He beamed at the class. "I now invite the first of our mentors, Mr Akagi, to come to the lectern and announce his group."

"Wouldn't it be neat if we were all in the same group?" Haley whispered.

"I don't know if that's going to happen," Tyson replied. "After all, what are the odds?"

"But Mr Jay said he picked the groups according to who we'd work well with!" Alexis reminded him.

"True," he conceded, "but also according to who he thought we could 'learn something new from', remember?" They lapsed into silence as Mr Akagi stepped up to the lectern. He only looked to be about twenty, with his short, spiky blue hair and slightly stocky physique. His eyes, however, made him look much older. They were a stony grey that made him look . . .

"Weird," hissed Alexis next to him. "Do you see his eyes?"

Unsmilingly, Mr Akagi read out three names. "Damian Rae. Alexis Samuels. Jack McIntyre." Alexis sighed.

"Well, that sucks. And I'm stuck with Jack and Damian as well!" she said, pulling a face. "Ah, well, see you guys around!" she said brightly, heading down onto the stage to meet Mr Akagi, followed by Damian and Jack. Mr Akagi nodded once, before gesturing them out through the side door he had just entered, saying something Tyson couldn't quite hear. At the door, he turned and glanced back into the auditorium. He met Tyson's gaze for a split second, and his eyes narrowed, before he snapped the door shut behind him.

Tyson shivered. "I really don't like him," he muttered to Haley.

"Really? I think he's kinda cute," she said absently, watching the next group being announced. Shaking his head, Tyson gazed at the door where Mr Akagi had been just a few seconds ago. Something about that man . . .

It was his eyes, Tyson decided. Those steely grey eyes scared him, and he got the distinct impression that the man himself was just as hard and uncompromising.

***

Once the door had shut behind the four of them, Mr Akagi broke into a wide smile. "That's better," he said. "I couldn't breathe in there!"

Alexis exchanged a dubious glance with Damian. As much as she disliked him, she had a feeling they were all in the same boat now, and at the moment, that boat was getting really confused by this guy.

"Well," he carried on, "you must be Alexis, yes?" he asked, looking at her. She nodded silently. "Good. Now . . ." He sized up the other two. "Which one of you is Jack and which is Damian?"

"I'm Jack," mumbled one boy, his lanky dark hair obscuring his eyes.

"I'm Damian," said the other, a very short boy with spiky bleach-blonde hair.

"Good!" Mr Akagi said, evidently committing their identities to memory.

"Ah . . . Mr Akagi?" Damian ventured, but he was interrupted by his mentor, who put up a hand to stop him.

"Please," he said, "call me Cyrus."

***

Back inside, Tyson was still occupied with thoughts of Mr Akagi's eyes when Haley nudged him in the ribs.

"It's us!" she muttered, standing up. Confused, he followed suit. He hadn't really been listening to the announcements.

"Tyson Bach, Haley Bach, and Matthew Simon," repeated the man behind the podium. Tyson followed Haley onto the stage, only to be immediately ushered through the side door. They were joined a moment later by Matthew, the skinny boy with the dark brown hair that had handed out the laptops that morning, and their new mentor. Tyson got a good look at him for the first time. He looked to be about twenty-five, with straw-coloured hair, bright blue eyes and a wide grin.

"Well hi, guys!" he said cheerfully. "My name's Jerry. I'm guessing you must be Haley, Tyson and Matthew?" he said, pointing at each of them in turn. They nodded silently, somewhat intimidated by this cheerful stranger. "Well, no sense wasting time! I have here a list for each of you, detailing what you'll need to bring with you tomorrow." He handed each of them a folded piece of paper. "Any questions about what's on the list?"

Tyson scanned it quickly. "There's an awful lot of stuff on here," he muttered. "How are we gonna carry it all?"

"Ah, we'll work something out!" enthused Jerry. "Now, how about we go for a walk, and you guys tell me all about yourselves, huh?" He set off without another word.

Tyson exchanged a dubious glance with Haley. She shrugged it off, and they followed Jerry, leaving Matthew to slope along in the rear.

Next Chapter

Bay · Jul 14, 2009

Not a lot going on this chapter, but that's fine. You don't need to go to the plot right away. It took me twelve chapters to get to the real plot in my fic. XD;

Anyways, nice intro of Cyrus there. Yeah, gotta agree with Cyrus' eyes the creepiest part of him and all. :O Also, I find the advanced technology of the laptops fascinating, although part of me suddenly thinking, "STALER!" XD;

Sorry if this review is on the short side. Not too much is happening. ^^; Still cool chapter, though.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 14, 2009

Hehe. The laptops are partially an excuse for me to play around with technology without having to go into sci-fi. Every chapter, I promise someone there will be more action in the next, and there never really is, so I'll make no promises this time. The story needs to unfold at its own pace, wouldn't you agree? I just go with it. The story writes itself; I just press the keys. But anyway, thank you for reviewing, and I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Miz en Scène · Jul 14, 2009

I wish I had a laptop like that. :(

Ah well, still, as Bay said, there wasn't much going in the chapter so I can't give much of a review.
Although, I may have a few suggestions.

When Mr.Jay was talking about the journey and Laptops, I was surprised to see that no one groaned(offer was declined by parents).

Other than that, great, can't wait for the next installment.

Giratina ♀ · Jul 14, 2009

~~OH MEW IT'S MAGNETON MAN EVERYBODY RUN AWAYYYYY~~

Um. Excuse me for that. - _-

Anyway, my first impression of the whole mentor thing was that it sounded suspiciously like Dagzar's fanfic, actually called Mentor, just with an extra kid to watch over. If that was unintentional, okay, but it's still kind of fishy that two fics with the same concept would pop up in such a short timespan. The whole 'laptop' thing is an interesting concept, certainly, but unless you have a good reason for making them so advanced I need to agree with Tyson and say that that is slightly inprobable. Maybe try to have the computer malfunction or something and have the speaking mechanism be slightly messed-up like other voice systems?

And you're right; Cyrus' eyes are really creepy. Props on him, by the way; I personally love it when canon characters are presented in a light they don't usually take - like ready information source for some young main characters. ~~Come to think of it, that sounds kind of familiar too...~~

Would you mind adding me to the mailing list? I'd like to see how this goes.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 14, 2009

Neo Groudon said:
I wish I had a laptop like that. :(

Ah well, still, as Bay said, there wasn't much going in the chapter so I can't give much of a review.
Although, I may have a few suggestions.

When Mr.Jay was talking about the journey and Laptops, I was surprised to see that no one groaned(offer was declined by parents).

Keke. Kekekeke.

Other than that, great, can't wait for the next installment.

Giratinasaur said:
~~OH MEW IT'S MAGNETON MAN EVERYBODY RUN AWAYYYYY~~

Say what?

Anyway, my first impression of the whole mentor thing was that it sounded suspiciously like Dagzar's fanfic, actually called Mentor, just with an extra kid to watch over. If that was unintentional, okay, but it's still kind of fishy that two fics with the same concept would pop up in such a short timespan.

I have actually seen Dagzar's fic around, but I haven't read any of it, so I can't claim to be inspired by it. The whole setup of the group (three novices and an expert) is actually something of an Easter Egg for any and all Naruto fans out there. It is in there for a reason, though. The 'mentor' label is simply because nothing else seemed to fit. So no plagiarism intended. All characters, concepts and organisations are purely fictional. Any relation to any characters, concepts, or organisations, dead, alive or in progress, is purely coincidental.

The whole 'laptop' thing is an interesting concept, certainly, but unless you have a good reason for making them so advanced I need to agree with Tyson and say that that is slightly inprobable. Maybe try to have the computer malfunction or something and have the speaking mechanism be slightly messed-up like other voice systems?

As I've said, I has my raisins.

And you're right; Cyrus' eyes are really creepy. Props on him, by the way; I personally love it when canon characters are presented in a light they don't usually take - like ready information source for some young main characters. ~~Come to think of it, that sounds kind of familiar too...~~

Kekekeke. I love Cyrus, he's so awesome. Glad you like him, cos we'll be seeing a bit more of him.

Would you mind adding me to the mailing list? I'd like to see how this goes.

Added. =D

Thanks for reviewing, guys!

Giratina ♀ · Jul 14, 2009

Like him?

You're kind of inclined to like a character after you've written a twenty-something story with the guy (this is also the origin of that thing I said at the beginning, by the way ;D). Alright, now that I know you weren't trying to copy off Dagzar's idea I feel a lot better, and you've really done it pretty well. Though Jerry seems kind of... one-sided, compared to what we've seen of the other mentors (admittedly, all we've seen of the other mentors is ~~Magne~~ Cyrus, but still...), so there should probably be a lot of development in the Jer department soon.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 14, 2009

Giratinasaur said:
Though Jerry seems kind of... one-sided, compared to what we've seen of the other mentors (admittedly, all we've seen of the other mentors is ~~Magne~~ Cyrus, but still...), so there should probably be a lot of development in the Jer department soon.

*weeps* Nobody notices the subtleties. I'll just leave you guys to try and find the parallels. With that ambiguous statement, I away! (wtf)

Legendarian Mistress · Jul 14, 2009

PokéDex

This is the way I do it. Pokédex.
You're the author, however, so you can do it whichever way you want.

Like last time, that was the one that irked me the most. But you're really doing a wonderful job of this so far, SD. Keep up the good work.

Misheard Whisper · Jul 14, 2009

Fixed. I just thought that was how it was supposed to be, but I just looked it up, and whaddya know? Pokedex. I remember having a similar debate with Shinjislover about PokeBall vs Poke Ball. Teehee. I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

Citrinin · Jul 15, 2009

(This reply pertains only to Chapter 3, as I've explained through VM)

Sparkling Dragon said:
Never mind the fact that you were making a fuss about it just a few seconds ago, Tyson thought to himself. Shaking his head, he left her to fret over it and went to get breakfast.

I liked this (and the entire scene) a lot. :D

(interesting note: I nearly went [quote=Shattered Dragon])

Sparkling Dragon said:
Why would the Pokémon League – and the government, for that matter – want to do that? No, they probably just wanted to get it underway. That would be it.

Just from what I've seen of Tyson so far, he doesn't seem the type to try and reassure himself with half-hearted explanations qualified by "probably". It just seems a bit out-of-character. Perhaps if it was rephrased as a question: "Maybe they just wanted to get it underway?" In other words - it's a consideration rather than a rushed conclusion.

Sparkling Dragon said:
"Could you . . . not do that?" he asked weakly. "I don't need everything I say analysed, OK?"

I like this. :) Turning analysis back on the analyser.

Sparkling Dragon said:
Unsmilingly, Mr Akagi read out three names. "Damian Rae. Alexis Samuels. Jack McIntyre." Alexis sighed.

I'm glad you didn't go for the all three friends together route - it would have been a bit cheesy. Good job. :D

Sparkling Dragon said:
"Please," he said, "call me Cyrus."

Ohoho! A brilliant buildup of suspense, and totally unexpected for the situation. Excellent job. :D

My main concern with this chapter is that the government is giving out expensive, ultra-high tech computers to schoolchildren, and it doesn't seem to be a publicity stunt, due to the lack of cameras. Sometime, you'll need to explain why this is happening. Apart from this, another brilliant chapter. ^_^

Misheard Whisper · Jul 15, 2009

Citrinin said:
(This reply pertains only to Chapter 3, as I've explained through VM)
Good thing you didn't try to review Chapter 4; it's not there yet!

I liked this (and the entire scene) a lot. :D

(interesting note: I nearly went [quote=Shattered Dragon])
Teehee. Talk about automatic association.

Just from what I've seen of Tyson so far, he doesn't seem the type to try and reassure himself with half-hearted explanations qualified by "probably". It just seems a bit out-of-character. Perhaps if it was rephrased as a question: "Maybe they just wanted to get it underway?" In other words - it's a consideration rather than a rushed conclusion.
I think you may be right. The 'probably' makes it sound a little odd, yes. Will fix.

I like this. :) Turning analysis back on the analyser.

I'm glad you didn't go for the all three friends together route - it would have been a bit cheesy. Good job. :D
I am so not going down that road. =D Besides, it's important they get split up.

Ohoho! A brilliant buildup of suspense, and totally unexpected for the situation. Excellent job. :D

<3 everybody loves a surprise entrance!

My main concern with this chapter is that the government is giving out expensive, ultra-high tech computers to schoolchildren, and it doesn't seem to be a publicity stunt, due to the lack of cameras. Sometime, you'll need to explain why this is happening. Apart from this, another brilliant chapter. ^_^

Oh, there's an explanation all right. Keke. Kekeke.

[Pokémon] Shattered [M]

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