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  #1    
Old December 3rd, 2011 (4:44 PM).
darkpokeball's Avatar
darkpokeball darkpokeball is offline
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    Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

    Poem #1: Lost

    Spoiler:

    Gone, lost forever
    Missing, found never
    Fear, Scared torment
    Night, fatal demon sent
    Wish, hope to see once more
    Crushed, wasted, feelings tore


    Poem #2: Who am I?

    Spoiler:

    Sent on a mission to Earth
    Created, never given birth
    Bound with a defective robot
    Love the thought to have Earth rot
    Green skinned, attends skool
    Disgusted by Earth-monkey drool
    Afraid of things called germs
    Will annihalate all Earth-worms

    Note: School is mispelled purposely to give anyone a clue as to who it might be

    Poem #3: Waterslide

    Spoiler:

    Water rushing, pulse racing
    Afraid of what you're facing
    Exactly just how high are you
    People say it's safe, is it true
    Look at how fast it's going
    The water never slowing
    Get on, deep breath, scared
    About to go down, feeling teared
    Should you back out
    Give in to the overwhelming doubt
    Wait another second, stay strong
    Running away would be wrong
    Count down, get ready to go
    When doubt comes, say no
    Three, two, one
    You're going, no more time to run
    Slide up the sides
    Of the waterslide
    Feeling happy, excited, full of glee
    Goodbye to all that fearful misery
    And...you slide off the side
    Of that fatal waterslide
    Fall down tons of feet
    And such a tormented end you meet
    Dead

    I will say the ending was a bit dark on that one. But who cares?!
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      #2    
    Old December 10th, 2011 (6:07 PM).
    Squirrel's Avatar
    Squirrel Squirrel is offline
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by darkpokeball View Post
    Alright, so here I go...again with poetry.

    Poem #1: Lost

    Spoiler:

    Gone, lost forever
    Missing, found never
    Fear, Scared torment
    Night, fatal demon sent
    Wish, hope to see once more
    Crushed, wasted, feelings tore

    --
    Wow, I very much like this poem. There's such a dark setting behind it which really complements the intricate title of the one word "Lost" standing alone, with nothing by its side. The mechanism you've used with the dramatic concept followed by a comma and story evolution was very well-received whilst reading the poem, it adds a huge sense of power behind the words, emphasizing just what they mean to you and this poem. I do wonder if full stops would be welcome in this poem just to add the the drama behind the statements in each line, but I suppose the recurring pause is implied whilst reading the poem. Words such as "crushed", "fatal" and "fear" really help to show just what you mean by the term "Lost" and what the poem is trying to relay, good choice of words throughout. Great work on this poem, impressive!

    As for the other poems: #2 I can't work out (but I think it could be Genosect?) and #3... wow... that's dark. xD
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    Old December 10th, 2011 (7:02 PM).
    bobandbill's Avatar
    bobandbill bobandbill is online now
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    Can't say I can work out number 2 either - your mention of the 'skool' clue doesn't suggest much Pokemon-y to me so I'm guessing it isn't one but I'm afraid I didn't get the subject. Ah well. It was interesting although I felt the rhyming sounded a bit forced with that poem in that some lines (like the fifth and sixth) didn't feel to match up that well beyond the rhyming-with-each-other aspect. I'd suggest maybe considering 'Loves the thought' as well (rather than Love without the s), and with 'annihalate' I think it ought to be spelt 'annihilate'.

    The waterslide poem I quite liked - certainly captured the person's uneasiness about going on the water sldie with the whole preparation part there, and the opening line started it off particular well imo. The ending was certainly a twist I didn't expect - maybe you could have forgone 'dead' at the end as the conclusion is pretty obvious without it after all, I feel, and I would suggest maybe changing 'And...you slide off the side' to 'Then you slide off the side' and hence remove the ellipse as the pause it creates somewhat unsettles the flow, and also removing the pause should make the twist that bit more sudden and surprising. Besides that all in all a nicely pulled poem, imo.
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