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  #1    
Old November 2nd, 2011 (8:44 PM). Edited January 1st, 2012 by Snivy063.
Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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    Hello there, I'm Teezee, and you have stumbled into my modest little poetry thread. I don't take poetry that seriously, I write because I do think that this is the only way in which I could write down what I'm feeling, and what I'm thinking, so don't expect too much from my works, but anyway. I do hope that you guys are gonna enjoy reading, criticisms are also welcomed with open arms. :)

    SUMMARY:
    BLESS YOUR SOUL
    GRANDFATHER'S LETTER
    BROKEN WINDOWS
    BIG LOVE
    I'LL NEVER BE YOU
    RESPONSIBLE
    CHANGE
    BURN
    TIME STILL TICKS ON
    KUREN (HAIKU)
    ALIVE
    MESS OF A MAN
    DEJA-VU
    UNTITLED
    A FEELING?
    HAIKU 2


    Spoiler:

    BLESS YOUR SOUL

    Phony as a paper doll
    Who takes the mold
    Of its creators’ hands
    And bends with the wind.

    You adapt yourself
    To the current environment
    While you leave your brain
    A thousand miles behind.

    Nothing you say is authentic
    And your defenses are laughable.

    You claim to be freethinking
    Yet you recycle old thoughts.

    Bless your soul
    For being so green.

    Bless your soul
    For being the Messiah
    Of your own fake world.


    Aand another one! I just felt inspired when I watched a documentary film about a grandfather's love for his grandchildren.
    Spoiler:

    In this moment,
    so divine.
    In this light,
    I lose my mind.

    Standing here, you watch over me,
    While my sight fades to ebony.
    And tomorrow I shall not see,
    but right now is all I need.

    In this hour I am broken,
    but in the next I am restored.
    As the song birds softly chyme,
    I'll stand at Heaven's door.

    Just lay me down sweetly,
    in my favorite blue jeans.
    And in the frigid twilight,
    I'll greet you in your dreams.

    I now close my eyes,
    and exhale my final breath.
    Please son, just remember,
    that love doesn't end with death.


    This wasn't intended to be a poem, it was a song. I've removed some of the parts to make it's structure look like a poem, so basically that's the whole story behind it.
    Spoiler:

    BROKEN WINDOWS

    My tears are falling.
    Doors are locked up.
    Do you suffer as I do?
    I am bleeding.
    Can you feel it?
    The silence in my heart.

    Clock is ticking.
    I am wasting.
    All of my time in this room.
    I am severing.
    Can you feel it?
    This pain in my heart.

    Staring in my broken window.
    Skies are crying.
    Never ending.
    Trees falls down as I did.
    Can I stand up?
    Like I used to?
    And forget what we've been through?

    I can feel the gust of wind.
    Deep inside my soul.
    Breaking glasses and dishes.
    These feelings within me.
    The grounds are rising.
    Should I wake up?
    This heart that had been in sleep.
    Should I open?
    These eyes that had been blind.

    I'll be fixing this window.
    Until this story ends.
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      #2    
    Old November 4th, 2011 (8:29 AM).
    Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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      I wrote this yesterday, it's entitled Big Love. :')
      Spoiler:
      BIG LOVE

      Running so far
      That I may get lost
      In the red interior
      Of your big love.

      Falling so deep
      That I make my bed
      Within the red interior
      Of your big love.

      Swimming so frantically
      That I may be taken under
      By the red interior
      Of your big love.

      Running so far
      That I may trip
      And tear through the red interior
      Of your big love.
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        #3    
      Old November 4th, 2011 (1:45 PM).
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      So, I'm not a very good critic, so I don't know how much what I say will matter to you, but I'm gonna criticize these anyways.

      So, I guess I'll start with this: (from Broken Windows)
      Quote:
      Trees falls down as I did
      Not sure if this is on purpose or not, but shouldn't it be "fall" not "falls"? Not that this is major, but I read "Broken Windows" and saw that, and it forced me to trip up as I read. Everything else, I think, is fine.

      Now, on to actual criticism. I might tend to ramble and stop making sense, so if I do, feel free to ignore it.

      Bless Your Soul - I saw the title of this poem, and loved it. The problem is, (and maybe it's just me) I'm not sure what you're trying to say here. Perhaps if you could tell me what this poem is about, then I could criticize it better. It just seems like a very indecisive poem; what I mean by that is you sound like you are chastising someone about being fake, but then you say "bless your soul". Maybe "bless your soul" is sarcastic?
      Also, one more thing here.
      Quote:
      Nothing you say is authentic
      And your defenses are laughable.

      You claim to be freethinking
      Yet you recycle old thoughts.
      I feel like each of these stanzas (stanzi?) is incomplete when I read it, especially the first of those two. I would highly suggest merging them, but hey. It's your poem, and you're free to do what you want.

      ? - I like this one. Personally, I like more emotional poems, and this one seems to have much more emotion in it than the others. I also think that this poem has a really nice flow. Being able to make your poems flow naturally is an amazing gift, and flow and rythym are, for me, the two hardest parts of poem writing.
      I can see the meaning of this poem easier. If I am correct, this one is about death not being the end, no? I can understand how naming it would be difficult, but if I were to suggest names, I would say something like "Unending" or "Endless". But maybe you don't want to name this, and that's perfectly okay. Like I've said before, it's your poem, and you should do what you want with it.

      Broken Windows - Since I have never heard the song "Skyscraper", and since I'm too lazy to look up the lyrics, I can't tell how it might relate to your poemsong at all (yes I made up that word). So I'll critique it as if it was totally unrelated to anything ever.
      I like that each line in this poem ends with punctuation. It gives it a more heartfelt feel, maybe? I'm not totally sure if that's the right word. This poem has character of an emotionally scarred person on the brink of insanity. It seems that the narrator feels trapped by the broken relationship, and that he/she will be stuck fixing it forever. The flow of this one is okay, I guess, but I don't think it's as good as your nameless poem. But I realize it's a song as well as a poem, so it's understandable that the rythym would be a little strange. Overall, this one is good, but a little off in terms of rythym.

      I'm running out of time, so I won't criticize your fourth poem right now. But I hope my reviews on the other three helped some, and thanks for posting here!
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        #4    
      Old November 4th, 2011 (7:26 PM). Edited November 12th, 2011 by Snivy063.
      Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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        Wow, I never expected someone to post a review as long as this one! :'o .. Thanks anyway. I'll try to take note to what you've said.

        Anyway, this poem is a poem that I wrote a year ago, so I'm not sure if it's good, but my friend helped me write it. :D
        Spoiler:
        If you could look in my mirror
        You'd see that I'm a monster
        Hiding from the city lights
        In this dark stormy alley
        I thought I held it all
        A gift, this so called "life"
        That's all been washed away
        By the tears in her eyes
        Cascading down the walls
        Once set to protect me
        A prisoner of my own design
        Struggling to break them down
        Being invincible means nothing
        If I can't ever be vulnerable
        To the feelings I once cherished
        The same that I'm now scared of
        A heart that once beat for love
        Has since decayed to dust
        No longer capable of feeling
        The warmth in me is fleeting
        I fine no place to be safe
        I fear what I've found true
        I speak from lips turned blue
        With my last breath I gasp
        "I'll never be you"
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          #5    
        Old November 7th, 2011 (3:16 AM). Edited November 7th, 2011 by Snivy063.
        Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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          This is entitled Responsible, enjoy!
          Spoiler:

          RESPONSIBLE

          The sky is grey, God's lost our trust,
          which agonizing dreams are waiting for us?
          The silence is staggering, for a rainy day,
          the tree's confident color, just fades away.

          The streets are empty, no soul out there,
          but if I look deep inside, I don't care.
          Everybody's fault for the world's state,
          but nobody's fault for the world today.

          And all the foremans, thy all lied,
          I don't know anymore who's on my side.
          Who's responsible for the pain out there?
          People in war, because we won't dare?

          And people in pain for no reason at all,
          Shouldn't we listen to their dying call?
          Gunshots surround us, bullets fly past,
          How could death sneak up on us so fast?

          And while God erases Heaven and its key,
          while death surrounds, and absorbs me,
          I seem to realize our destiny, the truth,
          When everyone stands on the edge of the roof,

          It may be us, who are responsible for the shame,
          but it are us, who must build up world's face again.
          Don't give up, don't let go,
          World's faith rests upon us, and we all know.


          Aaand, another one called Change. Criticisms are greatly appreciated. ^^
          Spoiler:
          CHANGE
          I'd had it up to here with chasing thrills
          Guess I was done with choking down these pills
          Tried to bottle it up tight, but still it spilled
          I thought I was lost, thought I was broken
          I'd be better off with the words not spoken
          I believed life was better with eyes not open
          So many times I'd been called no good, useless
          Til you placed your hand in mine and said "use this"
          At first I thought, could this be a dream, truth is
          As you spoke, your smile broke through the dark
          And your eyes were gleaming like two spot lights
          The words you spoke made me feel it was alright
          Even though words lie, I found trust in your eyes
          For the first time, I'd begun to feel alive
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            #6    
          Old November 8th, 2011 (2:31 AM).
          Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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            I wrote this poem when I was lurking around the library early this morning, it is definitely not my best, but it's worth writing it! It's called Burn.
            Spoiler:

            BURN

            Feeling left out and stretched out
            I just can't let the rest out
            Cleaning up after your mess now
            How I got here, just can't guess how
            Staring down a brokedown clock
            Seconds and minutes come to a stop
            Nothing stays and everything changes
            Searching for a new place to hang this
            I've lost sight of the light on the horizon
            I need something new to set my eyes on
            Somewhere new to write these lies on
            Can't remember how to start this
            Making my way out of this mist
            Don't know how many signs I missed
            Sinking down with my chest underground
            Water fills my lungs from the undertow
            I've Lost my fear of all that's below
            It's just another chapter in this show
            Change the channel, avert your eyes
            You've hidden from me and my disguise
            As I lay cursed and lost in my lies
            Watching the clouds chase the sky
            Inhale a deep breath and exhale a sigh
            Steam escapes my lips darting upward
            My mouth moves but can't speak a word
            Minutes and seconds seem to be frozen
            Lost in a moment, unable to hold it
            It was here, I swear it's been stolen
            So pardon me while I burn this frame
            Set blaze to the path I've followed
            I've got a desire to set the fire
            Turn my back and feel the burn
            Once I burned, now it's your turn
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              #7    
            Old November 9th, 2011 (12:09 AM).
            Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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              And yet, another one! :'D .. I don't know what to call it, so it's untitled.
              Spoiler:

              Depiction of real life riddled in fiction
              Running off of the masses new addictions
              We're a puzzle and peices have gone missing
              Haven't moved forward, just sit reminiscing
              We all live to the rythrm of the tick-tock
              And we know it won't stop until we drop
              Down on our knees and beg at their feet
              Knowing that we've dug holes just too deep
              For our crimes to ever be forgiven
              What kind of lives are we livin?
              For each step forward, there's three back
              Cross words become daggers in our backs
              We stagger on in no particular direction
              I no longer recognize my own reflection
              Dreams and hopes, a deadly infection
              Leading us astray into the smoke
              We're here so close yet so alone
              Somethings amiss in the dark morning mist
              It must've been a sign that we missed
              There is no light to lead the way
              We'll still continue on, day by day
              Just passing through, we can't ever stay
              Footprints fade, and memories decay
              Fueled by memories of brighter times
              Waiting to find the right signs
              Our eyes are weary and hearts are heavy
              A perfect line, tired feet walk so steady
              A force so strong, upon the horizon
              They will sing our song when we are gone
              Whence we've found for what we've longed
              For even when it's done, time still ticks on
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                #8    
              Old November 10th, 2011 (1:17 AM).
              Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                I tried making a Haiku, and here's the result. :3 .. A little tribute to Japan ..
                Spoiler:
                Kurēn
                Thousand paper cranes
                swiftly gliding through the air
                over the ruins
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                  #9    
                Old November 10th, 2011 (7:36 PM).
                Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                  Updating this thread everyday makes me feel that I've accomplished much. :)

                  Here's a new one called Alive.
                  Spoiler:

                  ALIVE

                  I'm facing a mirror
                  Staring at a stranger
                  Unlocking this cage
                  Where I've kept my anger
                  Unmasking my pain
                  Beginning to face
                  What's made me insane
                  I've been living a lie
                  Wearing this fake smile
                  There's a darkness inside
                  That I've tried to hide
                  Pouring out into the world
                  covering everything I see
                  Taking all that I need
                  Lost sight of it all
                  Walking through the dark
                  Towards my last fall
                  A once familiar light
                  breaks through the night
                  Opening my eyes wide
                  For the first time, I'm alive
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                    #10    
                  Old November 11th, 2011 (8:42 PM).
                  Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                    I wrote this yesterday while waiting for my Math class to end, XD
                    Spoiler:

                    MESS OF A MAN

                    I'm a mess that once was a man
                    with no one left to understand
                    I've been a fool for the few
                    And a flaw for the masses
                    I've been looking at life
                    Through dark colored glasses

                    Long forgotten memories and dreams
                    Used to keep me from falling apart
                    They've been discarded and shattered
                    For now I lay here in tatters
                    As the fire begins to consume me
                    Arising from the ashes, a new me

                    Just open up and let it flow
                    I've been lost but in control
                    Wandering through a deceitful snow
                    I have feelings I'll never show
                    Living life with a gaping hole
                    A walking shell with no soul
                    Picking up pieces to make me whole

                    The falling snow covers my tracks
                    As if to tell me I won't come back
                    The road home is long and cold
                    Night goes on and clouds roll in
                    Losing my way, the stars go dim
                    This is how I pay for my life of sin
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                      #11    
                    Old November 13th, 2011 (1:45 AM).
                    Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                      I prefer writing whenever I am bored, words just pops out from my head like they came from nowhere. XD
                      Spoiler:

                      DEJA-VU

                      I woke up today and looked in the mirror
                      What I saw lookin back at me startled me
                      There's a darkness in me and it's a part of me
                      Hiding from the world it's driving me berserk
                      It lurks below the surface keeps building up
                      til it spurts out like you hit a main artery
                      But I know you'll never get the the heart of me
                      I could almost swear I've seen this scene before
                      And that I've walked through this very door
                      Then again I've shut down all of my senses
                      So this all just seems pretty senseless
                      I've worn myself sore and defenseless
                      By now I thought I'd walk out and forget this
                      As I look upon myself so broken and lifeless
                      I had dreamed life would contain twice this
                      But it never lives to be half what the hype is
                      And I've seen the monster that lies within
                      It's scary how much I'm becoming like him
                      With each passing moment darkness takes hold
                      A touch replaces the cold with sweet warmth
                      The light in your eyes illuminates the shallows
                      Where I had thought I would drown in a reflection
                      Instead they mirror my own perfect imperfection
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                        #12    
                      Old November 14th, 2011 (6:20 AM).
                      Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                        A simple poem I wrote today, wasn't the poem that I expected but oh well! D:
                        Spoiler:
                        The days are just too long
                        And my timings always wrong
                        It's just the same old song
                        But I just can't forget it
                        Just can't keep moving on
                        I think I'm going nuts
                        Maybe I just care too much
                        All I need is a simple sign
                        I don't mind taking my time
                        I hope that maybe one day
                        You'll take a look inside
                        To see what I try to hide
                        I know that I'm not perfect
                        You can't say I never tried
                        I try to speak the words
                        but instead my tongue is tied
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                          #13    
                        Old November 16th, 2011 (11:55 PM).
                        Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                          It was a random poem, so wasn't expecting a good review. But, nonetheless, thank you. :D

                          New ones coming soon ~
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                            #14    
                          Old November 29th, 2011 (6:38 AM).
                          Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                            Aaaah! Forgot about my poetry thread! And I shall revive it with a new poem! :D

                            Spoiler:

                            A FEELING?
                            As you stepped right through that door,
                            stepping onto marble floor,
                            as your eyes would stare around,
                            searching for familiar ground,
                            then you saw her,oh her face,
                            instant freeze of time and space.
                            On her face an awkward smile,
                            reading through your cold heart's file,
                            as you tried to look away,
                            your surroundings felt so grey,
                            yet the colour of her eyes,
                            your salvation it provides.
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                              #15    
                            Old December 10th, 2011 (2:27 AM).
                            Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                              It's really been a while, hasn't it?

                              Anyway, back with a new poem, expect more the next following days! :D
                              Spoiler:
                              Quote:
                              WAR

                              Darkness creeps in the lightless,
                              It haunts those with no soul.
                              The pain and suffering one feels,
                              Cannot be ended by a single blow.
                              Outcasted by difference,
                              Hunted from fear.
                              Trust no one you meet,
                              And no one that's near.
                              War is all there is,
                              It's bloody, gruesome, and where horror stains.
                              The norms against all that differs,
                              Blood drips like rain.
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                                #16    
                              Old December 10th, 2011 (6:18 PM).
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                              bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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                              I quite liked the War poem there - read nicely and had a nice atmosphere captured in it. I didn't see any mistakes either.

                              Favourite bit would be the line about darkness haunting those with no soul, although admittedly I would argue that it would also haunt those with a soul so maybe some rewording of the latter part would be something to consider? Not the first part though as I liked the expression of it haunt(ing). The second last line sounded a bit confusing to me as well and didn't quite link in with the last line in sound or subject imo, but otherwise I certainly enjoyed that poem. =)
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                                #17    
                              Old December 29th, 2011 (6:05 AM).
                              Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                                Time to revive this thread! D: .. It's been a while hasn't it?

                                Anyway, I'm back with a haiku! :)
                                Spoiler:

                                Clear glass breaks quickly
                                when she dives beneath the depths
                                the wind sings with warmth.

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                                  #18    
                                Old December 29th, 2011 (7:53 AM).
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                                Good job again Teezee! I really like your poems and haikus.
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                                  #19    
                                Old December 29th, 2011 (8:01 AM).
                                Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                                  Thanks, Xeb! Basically, I was really lazy to write a full-length poem so I did a haiku. XD
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                                    #20    
                                  Old January 1st, 2012 (11:15 PM).
                                  Snivy063 Snivy063 is offline
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                                    I'd like to congratulate this thread for winning Poem of the Month for November! ^^;;

                                    New poems as well as haikus soon! I'm just so busy that I don't have the time to write! D:
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