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  #1    
Old April 10th, 2012 (4:29 PM). Edited April 19th, 2012 by Vato.
Vato Vato is offline
This Is Our Last Goodbye
     
    Join Date: Dec 2011
    Location: Juarez City, Mexico
    Age: 19
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    This is my first attempt at writing something that isn't for school, so, please, tell me if you like it.

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Safe & Sound

    I remember tears streaming down his face, all those Pokemon attacking him and also when everything was in fire.
    I am Porygon, and I was programmed to be the perfect Pokemon.
    Perfect Pokemon.
    Are there any?
    Well, I can't tell with accuracy.

    Where did I came from?
    Not even I now.

    I was programmed to understand humans, to protect them...
    And I was betrayed by them.
    They were greedy, selfish...and they also were my friends.

    I am Porygon and I was programed to make humans feel safe & sound, but I failed.

    When I was created, all those people were happy: they finally created an artificial Pokemon.
    Where was I created by the way?
    It seemed like a mansion, and it was next to a volcano.
    How did they called that Island?
    Cinnamon?
    I'm pretty sure it was something like that.
    Researchers were doing great with me, they taught me how to Tackle, and then to Sharpen.

    But then, that Pokemon was found, they left me aside.
    They started splicing that Pokemon's genes over and over again and the results were awfull. What was that thing called anyways? Mewtwo? Mewthree? Mewsevenbillions? I don't know, but that Mewtwo thing destroyed my home and killed my friends... Or, at least, that's what I thought...

    Between all the debris, one of those humans arose and picked me up.
    "You are safe, I'ts all gonna be alright" he was whispering this over and over again while tears were streaming down his face, he took me out of the island on his flying Pokemon to a forest that was next to a cave, he was waiting for someone, who it was, I'll never know.

    That person never arrived, instead, Mewtwo did, it seemed angry for no reason, and it started attacking us, my Tackles weren't strong enough to defeat him.
    "Run, run and don't come back!" He yelled.
    I can't actually run, instead, I float, but that wasn't time for correcting him, I fled from that forest until I reached this weird mountain... Mars or something, I suck when it comes to remember the names of places, I guess I have a Recognition System, but I don't have a Memorizing System.
    This mountain is frecuently visited by this pink, elf-like huggable things they call "Clefairy".
    They gather on certain nights and dance under the moonlight.
    I know this, because I saw it, it was beautiful, I must say.
    Clefairy don't seem to be disturbed by the prescence of other beings, as long as they aren't humans, I don't know why, though.
    After this dance I cuddled between some rocks and tried to get some sleep, instead I had nightmares that involved Mewtwo and my friends. It's all gonna be okay, I try to tell to myself...
    But I'm not sure if it'll be.
    I am Porygon, and this is my story.
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      #2    
    Old April 11th, 2012 (4:52 PM).
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    Mockingjay Mockingjay is offline
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      I've always felt bad for Porygon, especially when I saw the weird looking kinds of Porygon.

      With every Porygon evolution, I shudder...

      Some of your sentence formation, however, could use a bit of work. Misplaced commas and whatnot aren't that big of an issue, I guess.

      I giggled at Mewsevenbillions because of its accuracy. Does that make me a bad person?
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        #3    
      Old April 11th, 2012 (9:12 PM).
      Vato Vato is offline
      This Is Our Last Goodbye
         
        Join Date: Dec 2011
        Location: Juarez City, Mexico
        Age: 19
        Gender: Male
        Nature: Lonely
        Posts: 533
        I also fell bad for Porygon, I mean, Porygon can be a very strong Pokemon if raised properly and if you teach it the right moves, but people don't seem to realize it, nowadays, it's all about appearance and the Attack Stat, Cool looking Pokemon and Strong Pokemon are the ones we think are the best, but sometimes they aren't...

        And it looks like some piece of Origami with eyes and a weird cry, and that doesn't even help...

        And you're not a bad person, let's face it, Mew, Mewtwo, what's next? Obvously Mewthree and so on, I believe that, the day those behind the Pokemon Series run out of ideas for more Pokemon, they will introduce a new Gen with tons and tons of
        Mew[insert long number here]s

        Imma gonna buy a grammar book to see where I misswrote stuff, since I can't realize where I need to improve yet. Once Im done with that, I'll rewrite Safe & Sound so that it can be easier to understand, then, if I succed, and if it has a good acceptance, I will proceed with the Next Chapter.

        And one more thing, when I wrote this I didn't realized it, but, "I remember tears streaming down his face." sounds almost like "I remember tears streaming down your face" from Taylor Swift's song named "Safe & Sound", I think I'll change that part of the chapter and the chapters title, too.
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          #4    
        Old April 12th, 2012 (3:25 AM).
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        Mockingjay Mockingjay is offline
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          "Where did I came from?" should be "Where did I come from?"

          "proggramed" should be "programmed"



          "When I was created, all those people were happy, they finally created an artificial Pokemon."


          Instead, try "When I was created, all of those people were happy; they finally created an artificial Pokemon."

          Adding the word "of" to sentences easily make them sound better.

          "But then, that Pokemon was found, they left me aside, and started splicing that Pokemon's genes over and over again, the result was awfull."

          "But then, that Pokemon was found; they left me aside and started splicing that Pokemon's genes over and over again. The result was awful."

          or

          "But then, that Pokemon was found. They left me aside, and they started splicing that Pokemon's genes over and over again. The result was awful."

          In certain times, one must use a comma and a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, so, yet) to divide two independent clauses from each other.

          An example:

          My name is Jessi. I like dogs.

          My name is Jessi, and I like dogs.

          I'll post more later, as I have to go to school.
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            #5    
          Old April 17th, 2012 (10:16 AM).
          mubblelyon mubblelyon is offline
             
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            Very good story, I like it
            Porygon is one of my favourite pokemon, but not many people know/care about Porygon.
            Well done
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              #6    
            Old April 19th, 2012 (6:52 PM).
            Vato Vato is offline
            This Is Our Last Goodbye
               
              Join Date: Dec 2011
              Location: Juarez City, Mexico
              Age: 19
              Gender: Male
              Nature: Lonely
              Posts: 533
              Well, thanks, I appreciate that, but, Mockingjay IS right, this thing need some serious help, I'll fix it as soon as possible
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