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Old July 11th, 2012 (3:37 PM).
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Squirtmandersaur Squirtmandersaur is offline
     
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    This is Squirtmandersaur! Tine for STORY TIME! ( Hooray! ) We will follow Eevee and Pichu on their journey to be Platinum rank explorer!

    Prologue:

    I woke up on the beach called Naniki Beach. I looked around, And I found a shelter, with a Pichu in it.

    " Hi! I'm Pichu! " Said the Pichu enthusiastically.

    " Uh... I'm Eevee... " I said looking around at the makeshift shelter. " Where are we? "

    " We're at Naniki Beach!, Are you not from around here? " Said the pichu

    " No.... " I said.

    Just then, a Misdrevious came in and stole the bag Pichu had. and ran into the forest near the beach. we ran in and decided to get the bag back. we fought, and we beat that misdrevious. she ran away, and we got the bag back. we went to she shack, and we rested up.
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      #2    
    Old July 11th, 2012 (3:56 PM).
    Vato Vato is offline
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      Since there aren't many Mystery Dungeon related fics, these seems a little bit more original that the millions of Original Trainer Fics out there.

      But you could use a bit slower pacing, like, stoping for describing Naniki Beach, or how the place where Eevee and Pichu took shelter looked like.

      I suppose it's a shack, since it says at the end that they went back to a shack.

      But apart from this, it certainly has potential, and it also narrates from a Pokemon Point of View, which is great in my opinion.

      I certainly look forward to this Fic. Hope this helped you.

      -Vato (aka Vato!)

      PS

      Quote:
      Misdrevious
      *Misdreavus
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        #3    
      Old July 12th, 2012 (4:24 AM).
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      dracoflare dracoflare is offline
         
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        Hi there, welcome to FF&W. First of all you have chosen an interesting and not-so-popular theme in the form of PMD. It can work either ways, the originality of the story might attract people or if it isn't decent people might not even consider reading it. So it is up to you, and how well you write. On that account I wish you a good luck.

        Going into the actual story...what you have posted in real sense is not a story. You know, you are just telling us what happened, as if you are writing a summary of events of what happened in a diary or something.

        Quote:
        I woke up on the beach called Naniki Beach. I looked around, And I found a shelter, with a Pichu in it.
        I presume the story is being written in Eevee's point of view, then how did Eevee know that it was in Naniki Beach? Also it would be better if you actually describe what is happening, like the surroundings.

        While doing so you should put yourself in Eevee's shoes, now you wake up suddenly in a place you have never been earlier, what will your reaction be? Do you just get up and find a shelter?

        Quote:
        Just then, a Misdrevious came in and stole the bag Pichu had. and ran into the forest near the beach. we ran in and decided to get the bag back. we fought, and we beat that misdrevious. she ran away, and we got the bag back. we went to she shack, and we rested up
        Once again this is like a list of activities I have done today rather than a story. You could have at least described the battle or the forest or basically anything else.

        I hope this does not discourage you from writing..if you are really interested in posting a story with minimum descriptions there are people who can help you with it. So please don't hesitate to ask for help.
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