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  #626    
Old October 30th, 2012 (10:48 PM).
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    Okay, OrangeNess, while your SU is definitely better than your last two, there are still quite a few things that need major fixing — it's very primarily in the history, which seems to be the biggest problem with you.

    Thankfully, the personality is much more diverse, and it gives a vague, yet applicable explanation on his eating habits and who he sticks around with.

    First is the appearance, which only has one problem: There is no fused appearance. If the only thing there is the fused appearance, it should have some more relation to the fact that he's fused with a Drifloon (look at some of the other SUs for some examples), and you're not always fused; what does he look like when he's not fused with his Drifloon?

    Second, the Opening Post. Like I said, this SU is easier to read through to some degree than your other ones, but the colored text just looks tacky, it can very easily conflict with a PC theme, and it's just recommended you don't do it. This has been brought up plenty of times by now, and at least a couple times here in the OOC thread.

    There's also still the issue of the Pokéspirit. A combat-loving Pokémon like Scraggy might look at a bulky kid and say, "I like that, he looks like a tank," and join him. Like I said about the last SU, they have to judge on appearance. They can't just look at a kid and know what that kid is like. The moves are somewhat a problem, too. Explosion will do nothing short of totally incapacitate the wielder, if not kill them. You'll also want at least one defensive move. Drifloon has Stockpile, Swallow and Spit Up available for an effective multipurpose combination; they have Flash, Haze, Hypnosis, Thunder Wave. There are plenty of options.

    Now, onto the history.

    Why did his parents die? Why didn't that kill Gerald and/or his grandmother? There's a serious lack of necessary detail here. Along with that, no adult (not even the ones in Jubilife) are just going to rage and "OMFG I'M GONNA KILL YOU KID JUST BECAUSE I SAW YOU", let alone start a raging, weapon-wielding mob. As clearly stated in the first post, the only reason they'd kill the kid is if they resisted being kicked out of Jubilife.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by WolfOfEve View Post
    TornZero, I believe we're now competing our avatars in the "adorable" scale.
    I'd say Aigis wins, but that's just the fact that she's an android designed to develop an ego like a human being to wield the epic power of a Persona, and she knows how to feel sadness, worry, hatred and love. Her hands are also machine guns.
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      #627    
    Old October 31st, 2012 (5:47 AM).
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by TornZero View Post
      I'd say Aigis wins, but that's just the fact that she's an android designed to develop an ego like a human being to wield the epic power of a Persona, and she knows how to feel sadness, worry, hatred and love. Her hands are also machine guns.
      Because, you know, machine gun hands are the definition of adorable. /Sarcasm?

      You are competing with an animal, an animal many people are fond of already. Prepare to meet your doom *shot*
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        #628    
      Old October 31st, 2012 (5:53 AM).
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      @IceFyr & OrangeNess: But can you get bast the Boomer's artillery, is the question.

      @Everyone: I'm back online.
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        #629    
      Old October 31st, 2012 (10:44 AM).
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      My characters are walking toward yours, (Yellow, Mach, wolf).
      -There is an older teen carrying an eleven year old girl who is dead in a cradle.
      -Spark is carrying Aria over her shoulder (Aria is unconscious)
      -They are there for a funeral for the small girl
      -They are not looking for a fight
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        #630    
      Old October 31st, 2012 (11:45 AM).
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by WolfOfEve View Post
        Because, you know, machine gun hands are the definition of adorable. /Sarcasm?

        You are competing with an animal, an animal many people are fond of already. Prepare to meet your doom *shot*
        No one likes an animal full of bullets.
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          #631    
        Old October 31st, 2012 (1:25 PM).
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          *munches some popcorn* anybody else just sitting back and enjoying this? For what it counts, I vote TornZero.
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            #632    
          Old October 31st, 2012 (1:33 PM).
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          I had some puns but I don't think they are nearly good enough yet, so I'm also going to watch and see what I can get. :D (Btw cats>robots with guns on the adorable scale or is that a wolf, I'm never good at animal classification)
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            #633    
          Old October 31st, 2012 (3:12 PM).
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            @TornZero Yay! I'll get to work right away! BTW, I personally think my avatar is cuter. Lol! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, Wolf's is cuter.
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              #634    
            Old October 31st, 2012 (7:17 PM).
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            @Khawill and Icefyr: For the record, none of my characters know what a funeral is because that is a dead practice. I don't know why you two decided your characters should be big on funerals. I only have one character who knows what a funeral is and that's because she's a horrible, past-worshiping person who would like to see the world burn.

            @Everyone: Over time, I've noticed that everyone seems to be following Lucy. I've made points to point out that Lucy does not understand why other characters are following her, and it's because I never really intended for the RP to work this way. It was meant to be that people could invent their own plots without relying on me, and while I've been happy to try to provide in the absence of stuff from others, I'd really heavily encourage others to come up with plots of their own. For all you know, Lucy is going to get herself killed somehow and not accomplish anything at all. She is also the character of mine least interested in changing the world. So... yeah. Do with that what you will.

            Feel free to run any ideas by me if you're worried that it might cause problems. I'd mostly just be checking for absurd things like car chases and flying tie-dye ratattas that would make no sense in the RP.
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              #635    
            Old November 1st, 2012 (6:09 AM).
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            Satan.EXE Satan.EXE is offline
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              Quote:
              Originally Posted by TornZero View Post
              No one likes an animal full of bullets.
              No one likes a broken robot, either.

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by Khawill View Post
              I had some puns but I don't think they are nearly good enough yet, so I'm also going to watch and see what I can get. :D (Btw cats>robots with guns on the adorable scale or is that a wolf, I'm never good at animal classification)
              Wolf, it's a wolf. To be honest I'm not that good at drawing things so I'd understand a mix-up.

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by OrangeNess View Post
              @TornZero Yay! I'll get to work right away! BTW, I personally think my avatar is cuter. Lol! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, Wolf's is cuter.
              Woop~!

              Quote:
              Originally Posted by PkMnTrainer Yellow View Post
              Lucy is going to get herself killed somehow and not accomplish anything at all.
              Aww, but then who'd keep Amy company? We certainly can't leave her alone with Creed, that's for sure :3
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                #636    
              Old November 1st, 2012 (11:20 AM).
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              I guess Lucy is Dieing to get away from you :D
              I didn't mean to insult your drawing skills, I guess I was just barking up the wrong tree.
              This sentence is not a pun.

              Well the thing about funerals is that it isn't really a practice, that is to say it has always existed, and I doubt even 100 years would cause it to die. I mean to say that it is a natural idea to respect the dead especially when the deceased is family or respected, granted I probably shouldn't have directly said funeral, but the idea is still the same. It isn't like I'm building a coffin and holding a service, Kalie would be buried and a tombstone would be carved out at most.

              People with flying type spirits: can they fly at all? Or is that. Not possible?
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                #637    
              Old November 1st, 2012 (11:55 AM).
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                @Khawill: Last I checked, Xatu don't fly... I'm sure that other species would be able to though.
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                  #638    
                Old November 1st, 2012 (12:14 PM).
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                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by Khawill View Post
                  People with flying type spirits: can they fly at all? Or is that. Not possible?
                  Quote:
                  Originally Posted by IceFyr1928 View Post
                  @Khawill: Last I checked, Xatu don't fly... I'm sure that other species would be able to though.
                  Xatu simply choose not to move often, because they are usually looking into the past or future. This is mentioned in multiple Pokedex entries. It does however learn Fly by HM, so it must be possible.

                  To all species of spirits being able to fly;

                  I believe this can all depend on three simple factors:
                  1. Can the spirit learn Fly?
                  2. Did the fusion give your character wings?
                  3. Considering that the first two are true, does your character know /how/ to fly?

                  My assumption is that if it is lacking in /any/ of these three factors he/she cannot fly.

                  As for Ghosts, from my experience they only hover.
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                    #639    
                  Old November 1st, 2012 (2:45 PM).
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                  @Khawill: If your character's fusion gave them wings of some sort it's plausible, or in Golurk's case gave them jet boots / fists, then yeah they could fly. A character could ALSO fly without any such wings if they had the ability levitate or knew the moves telekinesis or magnet rise. The move bounce could be used in such a manner that it could be considered psuedo flight.
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                    #640    
                  Old November 1st, 2012 (4:05 PM).
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                    Psychic can also be used for self-propulsion.
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                      #641    
                    Old November 1st, 2012 (4:56 PM).
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                    Very brief, slight interaction with you three's characters in the last part of my latest post. I don't plan on staying near this mountain much longer so that will be the last interaction with you guys for now.
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                      #642    
                    Old November 1st, 2012 (8:00 PM).
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                    @TornZero: No... not psychic. If one wants to fly or move stuff in general with psychic powers they need to suck it up and dedicate one of their moveslots to telekinesis. Letting people use telekinesis without actually knowing the move would be hilariously overpowered. (As telekinesis is already an excellent support move with insane amounts of potential in combat.)

                    I'd say bird pokespirit wielders would be the only wielders who could get away with flying without knowing the move fly. (Though, it can be presumed that knowing the move fly would make you a much better flier overall.)
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                      #643    
                    Old November 1st, 2012 (8:15 PM).
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                      If it makes logical sense, then it should work. If not, don't use Gamesharks.
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                        #644    
                      Old November 2nd, 2012 (2:23 PM). Edited November 5th, 2012 by Khawill.
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                      I'm making a sign up for another character. Mostly to speak in first person.
                      Name: Khalil Withrow (Kitsune pen name)
                      Age: 13
                      Appearence: Kitsune wears clothes that he writes on, it is covered with scrawled writings in both English and Japanese. He wears a t shirt and jeans. He is very tall, standing at 5'4 and has white hair. He keeps his hair low to avoid anyone from grabbing it. He walks with confidence and fearlessness, always looking happy.

                      Personality:Kitsune is very imaginative, often thinking up stories and other things. He has the ability to read and write English. He is kind but loves to play practical jokes on travelers, bandits, and children, though he never does anything that causes harm to others it can get him in a lot of trouble. He tends to avoid direct fights, but does love to be in ones where he is equal to his opponent in which case he doesn't hold back. Additionally he is very carefree, though do not pull any of his tails because he hates when people do that and will often swipe back.

                      Kitsune is very interested in myths and literature from the past, he tries to make life a big story and tries to live out fantasies. He is very loyal to whoever is in charge and prefers to follow than to lead. He is honorable, never breaking a promise and always returning a favor. (He once watched a family's twin children for months, because he promised he would. Needless to say he had lost them due to being distracted.) He prefers leadership, and hates being without a task. He has no moral compas, only what the person in charge tells him is what is right or wrong.

                      Edit* Kitsune is restless when he has nothing to do, and he can not do things for himself. Without a leader or guidance he becomes lost, and even scared. He has an intense fear of being worthless. He lacks survival skills past eating berries he knows are safe, and even then he is severely dependent on the healing properties of Oran and sitrus berries, something that his parents had problems suppressing. If he did not eat a berry at least once every three days, he would break into a sweat and become prone to more rash decisions, also feeling severe headaches.

                      History: Kitsune grew up with a father and a mother, they wandered around often and his father was relatively educated. The Withrow family had tried to keep as much of civilization and education in their family as they could, making them general targets of spiteful people who feared what intelligence could do to their "freedom". His family moved around a lot, very happy with life considering how easy it was for them to live. His father was very strict about him learning how to read, write, and do very basic math. He previously had a tumor in which his father researched vigorously for a cure. He found that Oran and sitrus berries would help cure the tumor, though it did Kitsune's body still relied on the berries. His parents tried to ween him off, but it was much too hard and they gave up.

                      When he turned thirteen his family had heard rumors of Pokemon spirits and sent him off to learn what he could about it. On his way to the mountain the first time, he did not learn anything, and was much to fearful to approach the crystal. When he returned his parents scolded him, (for they were strict and required perfection in every aspect, from fighting to learning) and told him this, "We want you to go out again and gain a spirit, do not return for we do not wish to see you any longer." Though the words stung, the reason was clear: he would be of no help to them with a spirit and may very well be a danger to them.

                      (I'm starting off actually going to the mountain the second time)

                      Spirit (This will all happen in my first post)
                      Pokemon: Ninetales

                      Personality: Obedient towards Kitsune he calls her Kyukon instead of Ninetales and she calls him Kitsune. She is very wise and lived for hundreds of years before the removal of Pokemon, she often speaks like an educated woman and hardly cares if she offends someone (often causing Kitsune to say aloud "that isn't very nice")

                      Moves: (Flash Fire) Hex, Power Swap, Flame Thrower, Iron Tail, Flame Charge, Confuse Ray

                      Other things: He always stays fused because he loves Ninetales's tails, additionally he breathes fire through his mouth. He is resistant to fire, but it doesn't make him stronger.
                      Power Swap only works through contact. His tails are quiet large and likely the most noticeable thing when fused, he also has keen eye. He uses Kitsune as a pen name, though when he introduces himself he uses his real name.

                      Opening Post (Not all posts with him are journal entries, most will be flashback or a story to another)
                      Journal Entry
                      I tell this story of events after they happen, I can not say what happens after today but I can meditate on the past as Inari has told me. This is a journal of my life, as I can write and that is a skill that Inari says is valuable. I believe her because she is much like a goddess, and most importantly- she is my leader. Of course her real name is not Inari, just as mine is not Kitsune, but she feeds me, my addiction.

                      I walked through the forests again after being sent away. I looked up the mountain, towards the goal given to me by my parents. It was the last thing they gave to me before sending me off. I heard some fighting on the other side, but I could hardly worry about that then so I had ignored it and continued on. The climb lacked in anything interesting so I will omit that part of my journey. Though when I got to the top I certainly did receive a gift that would change my life. I had received my companion Kyukon, and I certain loved her.

                      I have been reminded to write that she is still with me, and I still love her.

                      I came down the mountain on the other side, stopping halfway after I saw a group of people, I decided to ignore and avoid them, as fate would have it I would be meeting some of them anyways. Anyways I followed the road east, lacking direction. I remember only speaking to Kyukon during this time of uselessness. She told me stories of the past, her past, and honestly even as I write this I can not remember what she told me.

                      She is telling me that human memories are weak compared to hers, I don't disagree, many humans have forgotten their values. She is always right though, maybe one day I can be as wise as her and my Inari. I need a berry, as I write this my palms are sweating and my hand shakes, it is a cold sweat, I'm reassured by Kyukon that I will be sated. I must write off to see her, she keeps my berries.
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                        #645    
                      Old November 2nd, 2012 (3:00 PM).
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                        I'm hoping for James to bump into the characters at the base of Coronet for a short time. Mostly just to get a good feel of how he'll interact with other PC's. I'm not really planning for him to become gelled to another character, but interaction promotes development and all, so I'm keen on it. But if you guys'd rather not, he's on his way to Children's city anyway. Just giving a heads up.
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                          #646    
                        Old November 3rd, 2012 (5:15 AM). Edited November 5th, 2012 by Crystallized.
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                          Wow. o.o This sounds very, very interesting. I think I'm going to write up an SU right now for this. Although it might take a short bit to complete

                          Well, here it is.

                          Spoiler:
                          Name: Rayn Tanaguchi

                          Nickname: Rain.

                          Age: 12

                          Sex: Male

                          Appearance: Has a lean and limber build. For his normal appearence when un-fused he wears a green hat baggy hat hiding the black messy hair that lies underneath. Wears a green t-shirt shirt and a black waistcoat with a few cuts and tears on it from some random falls and scrapes he's gotten into. Rayn also wears green gloves with green diamond designs on the backs them and a pair of black trousers. The colour of his eyes are strange due to the fact that one of his eyes are brown and one is green.

                          In his fused form, The sleeves on Rayn's t-shirt grow to cover his arms where sharp thorns sprout from Rayn's arms and legs, the buttons on his waistcoat also change into spikes. His mouth would take the appearance of Cacturn's as well as his hat turning into Cacturne's diamond design as well.

                          Personality: From a first impression,` Rayn would come across as one of those “Quiet kids” who doesn’t say much or do much around large groups. But once he gets a hold of his surroundings or is in a comfortable place where he feels that he can act normal, his personality takes a more playful and mischievous attitude to it. Sometimes playing small pranks or messing around in a completely harmless way towards everyone around him. Just as long as he knows that they won’t attack him out of frustration to his persona.

                          History: Rayn knows little to nothing about his parents, as they abandoned him as a child. He presumes this was because they didn’t want another mouth to feed. He lived with an old man in Eterna City who was kind enough to take him in as a child. At the age of 10 he began to feel a strange sensation within him. The man could not explain this phenomena, but eventually Rayn figured out that he was being drawn to Mt. Coronet. Rayn didn’t resist the impulse and wandered off one night into Coronet where he came across the formation where he obtained his Pokespirit, Cacturne. Upon his return to the village he was almost immediately greeted with contempt from the other villagers, all but the old man who raised him treated him harshly and constantly threatened him with violence unless he left. In the end his guardian recommended that he leave the village and travel to the Children’s city, knowing after seeing his adopted son’s newfound powers that even though the route there would be unforgiving, Rayn would be okay. Reluctantly leaving the village, Rayn was guided by his Cacturne spirit, who taught him survival methods and ways to stay alive in the harsh conditions. But his bad luck struck him once again and he became lost along the way. With only his spirit did to help and teach him, he quickly became trusted friends with Cacturne. He’s still wandering aimlessly in what direction he hopes to be the Children’s city, Whether he reaches it or not is yet to be seen…

                          Pokéspirit
                          Species: Cacturne

                          Nickname: None.

                          Personality: Devious and mischievous he usually thinks for survival first, he constantly try’s to teach Rayn about survival and that he needs to sacrifice certain things in order to survive

                          Moves: Needle arm, Destiny bond, Magical leaf, Pin missile, Poison jab and Sandstorm. Ability: Sand Veil.

                          Other: Rayn knows how to survive better than most people in harsh conditions, this is primarily due to the fact that his pokemon drill’s him with survival tactics almost every day.

                          Opening Post:
                          “Cacturne…? Where are we?” Rayn muttered as he trudged through the marsh, his boots covered in mud and dirt. The wind was howling in his ears and the rain was beating down onto his back and head, almost completely drenching him save for his hair which was protected by his hat, the rain just flowing right off it’s edges.
                          “I’m not familiar with this place. But focus, we can find out where we are once we find a shelter. You won’t last long in this rain.” Cacturne uttered, floating beside him, the harsh rain just simply passing through his incorporeal form.
                          “Mmm, once we get out of this rain we can speak more freely” Rayn said with a sigh, looking around slowly as he continued to walk. The rain was getting worse and it was getting colder. At this rate if he didn’t find shelter soon he would freeze to death without any form of heat to dry his clothes.
                          “Oh! Over there!” Rayn exclaimed quickly, looking towards a large tree that had fallen over in a way that there was an open space underneath the leaves, possibly from thunder or maybe from harsh winds, or perhaps something else entirely. None the less Rayn quickly made his way towards the tree and crawled underneath it and into the leaves and branches, the thick branches and large leaves sheltering the twelve year old boy from the rain almost completely, with only a few drops falling down onto his hat every now and then.
                          “Hmm… It seems stable, but break off a few branches and position them to reinforce it. Just in case a gust of wind decided to knock it down completely.” Cacturne said slowly as Rayn began to break off several thick branches from the tree with a sharp rock from his bag, positioning them underneath the tree and tying them together with a small coil of rope.
                          “We can talk later. Dry your clothes out on some branches and get some rest, we move again in the morning early, I‘ll keep watch...” Cacturne said, “sitting” down on the tree itself.
                          “Alright… See you in the morning…Oh, and Cacturne?” Rayn said, looking up at the cactus pokemon as he quickly hung out his wet clothes on a few branches, picking some leaves and arranging them in a fashion that Cacturne always told him to. Forming a makeshift bed for himself.
                          “Yes…?” Cacturne said, looking down at him for a few moments of silence before a wide smile broke out upon Rayn’s face.
                          “Thanks for teaching me how to survive.. I really wouldn’t be here if I didn’t know all those things. So… Thanks.” Rayn said, smiling brightly before lying down and falling asleep almost instantly.
                          “Heh… That kid, you better last longer than I think you will…” Cacturne said with a sigh, looking up at the cloudy sky as Rayn slept peacefully.
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                          Rhyha (Male Rhyhorn) Level 20: Rock blast, Take down, Mega horn, Icy wind, Drill run, Protect
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                            #647    
                          Old November 3rd, 2012 (6:12 PM).
                          Khawill's Avatar
                          Khawill Khawill is offline
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                          I decided to draw a picture using a new drawing program. Unfortunately I'm a terrible artist so Spark looks a bit, uh, demonic. Also I can't draw people very well.
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                            #648    
                          Old November 4th, 2012 (12:32 PM).
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                          PkMnTrainer Yellow PkMnTrainer Yellow is offline
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                          Alright... Time to tackle SUs.

                          @Khawill: While I did not find anything directly contradiciing the RP, I did however have on question echoing in my mind while reading the history / personality sections...

                          "Okay... so... where were these guys /after/ the apocolypse hit?"

                          That's, of course, rhetorical. What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't feel like the apocolypse even hit them. They're just dandy bunch o' good ol' guys that would fit in right at home in a pre-apocolypse world. They have no readily apparent negative flaws appropriate for the setting. They aren't thieves. They aren't murderers. They are way into books. The dude won't fight. His parents wander around actively seeking out the depraved people left in the world trying to teach them that civilization, y'know that thing that died, is better...

                          How have they /survived/, let alone ignored the objectively horrible world they're living in enough to raise a happy family? I might be missing details here, but if I am it's because they weren't in the SU to begin with. That being said, while the character concept itself is not necessarily unacceptable, the way you fleshed it out makes the character come off as a Mary Sue by crime of lack of appropriate flaws. This could partially be fixed by just giving more details on the history, /presuming/ those details explaining why they act how they act are also appropriate.




                          @Crystallized: Your SU looks pretty good for the most part, except for one thing. Your appearance is unusual in that it presents an issue. I generally don't even bother looking for issues in appearance sections (Sort of like name sections and the like) but TornZero pointed this out to me and I had to agree. Your character gains Cacturne themed clothes as his transformation with no actual physical changes. This puts them at roughly 0-1% Pokemon, which is... kind of an awful waste of potential don't you think?

                          That being said I feel like your fused transformation is a bit inappropriate for the RP, as there's supposed to be a physical change to the body of the wielder of some sort appropriate to the pokemon in question, and I mean... Cacturne? Without /thorns/? Oh lawdy. But yeah. I'd heavily reommend you revise your transformed appearance to better reflect this.
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                            #649    
                          Old November 4th, 2012 (1:35 PM).
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                          Khawill Khawill is offline
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                          My bad, I meant to make a happier character, compared to Spark that is.
                          -They have been traveling, there are only of them and they kicked out Kitsune for basically being a beacon.

                          -Kitsune does fight, he just doesn't fight enemies he thinks are stronger than him (He doesn't take risks pretty much)

                          -I never really meant to imply happy, they are more content. Also considering how intellectual they are, it wouldn't be hard to stay away from less educated bandits and such.
                          He is really meant to be more of an off character for me, so I didn't make him a huge unique character. (I also want to try out first person)

                          Edit* You may consider his entire history to be a downside, he has no experience killing, his only real ability is reading and being smart, he wouldn't beat many people in a fight unless they had no spirit.
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                            #650    
                          Old November 4th, 2012 (2:46 PM).
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                          PkMnTrainer Yellow PkMnTrainer Yellow is offline
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                          @Khawill: Happy. Content. Doesn't change the point. His entire history being a downside as you put it is not a proper character flaw. Please consider what I said above, because you do /need/ to review your character's SU. Also, for future reference, names can and often do in fact effect someone's first impression of your SU. For your own good, I'd advise against ever naming your character after an animal with a well-known internet fanbase.
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