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  #1    
Old December 10th, 2012 (1:14 PM).
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rpryor03 rpryor03 is offline
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    Hi! This is my fanfiction "Here We Go Again". It features Advance, Ikari, Teencare, and Orange Shippings! Comments would be appreciated.

    Here's the prologue:

    They called him "Master." His name was Ash Ketchum and he had defeated the Indigo League. Two times, actually. He won the League three years ago and defeated the Elite Four of that year, Lance Wataru, Bruno Siba, Agatha Kikuko, and Lorlei Kanna. Last year, he won the Silver Conference and he then defeated Siba again, former Kanto Gym Leader Koga Kyo, Will Itsuki, and Karen Manion. He also defeated Lance again after he arose to the Championship. Now, Ash has to take on the Hoenn League after defeating all 8 gyms. He has to defeat 5 trainers in one-on-one battles. The only people that can watch are his companions Brock, May, and Max and the other trainers that he must battle. Representing the diverse types of Dark, Psychic, Ice, Dragon, and Steel, will he be able to defeat them?
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    Old December 10th, 2012 (4:25 PM).
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    I'm not too sure if that is a prologue as much as a summary or 'trailer', if you will, of the story itself. There's no actual story happening here but rather just a setup of facts about Ash and who he defeated before, and that he's going to challenge the Hoenn league. What we don't know is say a motivation, your characterisation for him, or any indication of a plot beyond that part.

    So I'd suggest reworking that prologue. Consider it as a 'hook' to get the reader wanting more, to know what your writing is like and so forth. In reading this there's not much to go on.

    Quote:
    They called him "Master." His name was Ash Ketchum and he had defeated the Indigo League. Two times, actually.
    I'd advise against adding in facts like the bit at the end ('Two times, actually'). It makes the storytelling sound somewhat casual, as if you were trying to recall the story while telling it to someone you bumped into. As a narrator you'd want to be sure of your statements, so don't try to make the facts sounds too uncertain by seemingly correcting yourself to say 'actually it was twice'. It also disrupts the story and the pacing.
    Quote:
    Lance Wataru, Bruno Siba, Agatha Kikuko, and Lorlei Kanna.
    I'm a bit confused as to why you are using the Japanese names as surnames - is it confirmed anywhere canonically that they are surnames? I did not thing so, and a mixing of English and Japanese names like so sounds odd at times. To the average Pokemon fan as well they're probably not going to know the Japanese names so that may further confuse them (in the games and afaik the anime at any rate it's always a one-name basis for most characters).

    Also Lorelei is the correct spelling.
    Quote:
    Now, Ash has to take on the Hoenn League after defeating all 8 gyms. He has to defeat 5 trainers in one-on-one battles.
    Generally for numbers smaller than 100 you'll want to write it out with letters (so eight and five rather than 8 and 5). Why does he have to defeat five trainers in one-on-one battles? Are they part of the Hoenn League gyms, or separate? It's a bit confusing there, so make sure you have clarity.
    In short there's some work to do yet, I feel. We don't have much of a plot shown yet beyond that Ash will challenge the League (and by the title there may be some shipping) and had beaten others this time around (does this mean he's older, or that you changed canon events in which he doesn't win any major tournament besides the Orange League and some Battle Frontier challenge?), nor any feel for characterisation as what is here is more a summary or back-of-the-book blurb about the story than a prologue. Try checking out other fics here to see how other people write out stories first, including stuff in the Awesome Archive for what the forums felt were better fics. Take the time too; one paragraph doesn't make for much of a prologue either, so I get the feeling this was quickly written.
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    Old December 24th, 2012 (12:27 PM).
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      Chapter 1: VS Sidney and Phoebe!

      “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Ash Ketchum’s Hoenn Elite Four Challenge,” said Mr. Goodshow. “The rules are that all battles will be one-on-one and the challenger gets the first move. Battlers to their positions, please!” Ash walked to his platform and so did his mysterious opponent. “This is an Official Elite Four Battle between Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town and Sidney Kagetsu of Rustboro City.”
      “Go Shiftry!”
      “Go Glalie! Start off with Ice Beam!”
      “Shiftry, counter with Leech Seed!”
      “Glalie, Headbutt!”
      “Shiftry, Tackle!”
      “Glalie, before it hits, Double Team followed by Icy Wind!” Instead of a few small flurries, Glalie sent out a large amount of flurries. Enough for a blizzard. “Glalie, you learned Blizzard! Now use it once more!”
      “Shiftry, use Psychic to divert it away from you and towards Glalie! Now Faint Attack!”
      “Glalie, freeze it with Ice Beam and then Headbutt it!”
      Shiftry, Shift” said Shiftry as it fainted.
      “Shiftry is unable to battle, Glalie wins! The match goes to Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town!”
      “Good job Ash,” said a brunette wearing tropical clothes as she sauntered up to him. “I’m Phoebe and I’ll be your next opponent. You ready?”
      “Of course!”
      “Then let’s begin. Mr. Goodshow, if you please?”
      “This is an Official Elite Four Battle between Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town and Phoebe Fuyo of Lilycove City.”
      “Go Sableye!”
      “Heracross come out and use Megahorn!”
      “Sableye, use Shadow Ball!”
      “Heracross, Struggle Bug!”
      “Sableye, Shadow Claw!”
      “Dodge and use Megahorn!”
      “Before it hits, Double Team followed by Shadow Sneak!”
      “Use Earthquake!”
      “Power Gem please!”
      “Finish it with Foresight followed by Focus Punch!”
      “Sableye is unable to battle, Heracross wins! The winner is Ash Ketchum of Pallet Town. The next match will be tomorrow.”



      A/N:bobandbill, thank you for your corrections. I'mm just starting out, so I thank you again for that. Ash's motivation will be shown later. Using the Japanese names as last names is an idea I got from someone at fanfiction.net. This won't be for all characters though. And you are correct, Ash did not go to the Orange Islands, and this would be before he challenged the Battle Frontier. Again, thanks, and I want to know what you think of this chapter.
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        #4    
      Old December 24th, 2012 (10:23 PM).
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        Why didn't you describe the battle at all? You just have short little paragraphs of the trainers commanding their Pokemon, but we never see the Pokemon use their attacks. This is especially bad because your chapters are going to rely heavily on the action of the battles. That's where the story is, since you're writing about Ash challenging a League. That's the time when you can get a lot of interest with battles, having them be between two really strong trainers. You can pull out interesting tricks and moves, or just describe how much power the Pokemon have.

        You have Ash battle two Elite Four members in the page length of barely half-a-page and in the story time of estimated half-hour, if even that. Ash should be challenged in these fights. There should be some drama during the fight, where at least one trainer on either side is worried about the match.

        Also, how do the Pokemon move in the battle. How do they perform their attacks and get around their opponents' attacks?

        Right now, your chapter is rather boring and rushed to read. There's still no sign of characterization of the characters. Where's Ash's care for his Pokemon and enjoyment at winning against the Elite? Or what about his friends watching him, since they always cheer him on and talk about his matches.

        Take your time writing your chapters. Read other fics to see how they write fanfiction or check out some of the guides posted around these forums.
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