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  #4051    
Old July 29th, 2013 (12:19 AM).
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Kanzler Kanzler is offline
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It made me feel a bit queasy haha. It's unbearably sappy and we all knew it wouldn't end well X'D Also, incredible amounts of abs.

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  #4052    
Old July 29th, 2013 (12:31 AM).
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Moist Moist is offline
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Out to 4 people (was 2 before today) :DDDDD
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  #4053    
Old July 29th, 2013 (12:48 AM).
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New Eden New Eden is offline
Ascension to heaven
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Originally Posted by GreatTornado View Post
Out to 4 people (was 2 before today) :DDDDD
*High-fives*

Reminds me that I might be next in line soon enough. I could anticipate to begin transition in a matter of two months the way things are going. My boss is a very mellow dude, but it should be an interesting (and awkward) situation either way.
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  #4054    
Old July 29th, 2013 (2:44 AM).
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Phantom Phantom is offline
Uh, I didn't do it
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It made me feel a bit queasy haha. It's unbearably sappy and we all knew it wouldn't end well X'D Also, incredible amounts of abs.
Well, he's not a signed singer. He maxed out his credit card and made it on his own. It's gonna be a bit cheap-ish, but it's pretty good considering.
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  #4055    
Old July 29th, 2013 (5:31 AM).
Nine Inch Nails Nine Inch Nails is offline
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Might as well post in this thread to tie any loose ends that may have been caused by my vehement protectiveness over such an issue... oh, and sorry for throwing this off-topic. Apologies.

I am a double package. My sexual orientation is bisexual and I'm transgender: I'm biologically male (*shakes fist*) but identify as female, and I have felt this way for over five years (and looking back, I was exhibiting signs of some sort of 'deviation' from extreme youth). I started screaming to the world that I was a girl when I was around 10 years old, and I received overwhelmingly negative reception from my parents (who cited 'puberty blues' or whatever) and from my academic peers (who considered me a complete freak). I was deeply hurt by this reaction and locked myself back in the closet at the end of the year and just hoped everything would die down and everybody would forget about it. To my happiness (and surprise), nobody seemed to remember the next year; my peers forgot all about it and my parents never mentioned it again. Of course, inwardly, I perceived myself as female more strongly than I ever had before.

In Year 7 (when I was around 12 years old), I attempted to come out again, this time to my parents. Unfortunately, a note addressed to my mother was intercepted by my father and I was taken to his office where I was calmly and coolly (but firmly) told off about 'scaring' and 'upsetting' my family's balance with such 'rubbish' and that it was all 'part of a phase'. Clearly, my father had forgotten about my vehement assertions a few years back, but I resolved to just throw myself as far into the closet as possible; I was still scarred from Year 5 and I did not want the same -- or a worse -- reaction from my parents and peers who wouldn't have known me from Adam. I feel I did a good job of covering up my inward identification as the opposite gender (I still identified as female, of course), but for a multitude of other reasons I was unable to fit in this school (which, I should mention, was an Anglican single-sex school) so I decided to transfer... to a Roman Catholic single-sex school.

In Year 8, I decided that to start afresh, I would attempt to close off everything relevant to my transsexualism. It was extremely painful to do so, and I spiralled deeper down a masculine pattern of behaviour purely to appease other students which disgusted me whenever I thought back on what I had done during the day. In September 2012, I woke up to myself and realised that what I was doing was in no way true to myself and was instead a complete perversion of what I had been attempting to do for myself all those years before. I reneged on all behavioural changes I had made, as they were in no way reflections of who I truly was, and I resumed openly inwardly identifying as female (not that the feeling had ever fully gone away) and behaving in the effeminate manner that I had been doing for so many years beforehand.

In February 2013, with the encouragement of certain Internet figureheads, I began identifying as female on the Internet (I had never done this before: I was worried about legal issues that would confront me if I identified as female on the Internet but with the help of this figurehead I put these beliefs to bed) and now identify as female everywhere I feasibly can. I attempted to come out earlier this year by writing a heartfelt, emotional and angry 600-word letter to my parents which was intercepted by my mother and quickly put to rest in an effort to quell any 'resurgences' of previous trends, so at least somebody in my family remembers things. However, I have a plan up my sleeve.

In order to iron out issues with socialising that I have in real life (I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome which, naturally, greatly impedes my ability to engage in and begin conversations) I am attempting to organise sessions with a counsellor. Through this counsellor, I intend to finally put to rest the constant issues I have had in real life and come out in a completely different manner: I intend to spill out everything I have said here and more to this counsellor and finally have the satisfaction of having come out to somebody who will not scathingly judge me in real life. I am very close to getting these sessions with this counsellor, and I am absolutely ecstatic to quell my demons and come out to somebody; anybody. Of course, as a consequence of this, my parents will be told too -- by the counsellor -- and I will already have somebody backing me prior to finally attempting to reason with my parents who have rejected my pleas so many times before.
  #4056    
Old July 29th, 2013 (1:19 PM).
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Jasper Jasper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nine Inch Nails View Post
Might as well post in this thread to tie any loose ends that may have been caused by my vehement protectiveness over such an issue... oh, and sorry for throwing this off-topic. Apologies.

I am a double package. My sexual orientation is bisexual and I'm transgender: I'm biologically male (*shakes fist*) but identify as female, and I have felt this way for over five years (and looking back, I was exhibiting signs of some sort of 'deviation' from extreme youth). I started screaming to the world that I was a girl when I was around 10 years old, and I received overwhelmingly negative reception from my parents (who cited 'puberty blues' or whatever) and from my academic peers (who considered me a complete freak). I was deeply hurt by this reaction and locked myself back in the closet at the end of the year and just hoped everything would die down and everybody would forget about it. To my happiness (and surprise), nobody seemed to remember the next year; my peers forgot all about it and my parents never mentioned it again. Of course, inwardly, I perceived myself as female more strongly than I ever had before.

In Year 7 (when I was around 12 years old), I attempted to come out again, this time to my parents. Unfortunately, a note addressed to my mother was intercepted by my father and I was taken to his office where I was calmly and coolly (but firmly) told off about 'scaring' and 'upsetting' my family's balance with such 'rubbish' and that it was all 'part of a phase'. Clearly, my father had forgotten about my vehement assertions a few years back, but I resolved to just throw myself as far into the closet as possible; I was still scarred from Year 5 and I did not want the same -- or a worse -- reaction from my parents and peers who wouldn't have known me from Adam. I feel I did a good job of covering up my inward identification as the opposite gender (I still identified as female, of course), but for a multitude of other reasons I was unable to fit in this school (which, I should mention, was an Anglican single-sex school) so I decided to transfer... to a Roman Catholic single-sex school.

In Year 8, I decided that to start afresh, I would attempt to close off everything relevant to my transsexualism. It was extremely painful to do so, and I spiralled deeper down a masculine pattern of behaviour purely to appease other students which disgusted me whenever I thought back on what I had done during the day. In September 2012, I woke up to myself and realised that what I was doing was in no way true to myself and was instead a complete perversion of what I had been attempting to do for myself all those years before. I reneged on all behavioural changes I had made, as they were in no way reflections of who I truly was, and I resumed openly inwardly identifying as female (not that the feeling had ever fully gone away) and behaving in the effeminate manner that I had been doing for so many years beforehand.

In February 2013, with the encouragement of certain Internet figureheads, I began identifying as female on the Internet (I had never done this before: I was worried about legal issues that would confront me if I identified as female on the Internet but with the help of this figurehead I put these beliefs to bed) and now identify as female everywhere I feasibly can. I attempted to come out earlier this year by writing a heartfelt, emotional and angry 600-word letter to my parents which was intercepted by my mother and quickly put to rest in an effort to quell any 'resurgences' of previous trends, so at least somebody in my family remembers things. However, I have a plan up my sleeve.

In order to iron out issues with socialising that I have in real life (I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome which, naturally, greatly impedes my ability to engage in and begin conversations) I am attempting to organise sessions with a counsellor. Through this counsellor, I intend to finally put to rest the constant issues I have had in real life and come out in a completely different manner: I intend to spill out everything I have said here and more to this counsellor and finally have the satisfaction of having come out to somebody who will not scathingly judge me in real life. I am very close to getting these sessions with this counsellor, and I am absolutely ecstatic to quell my demons and come out to somebody; anybody. Of course, as a consequence of this, my parents will be told too -- by the counsellor -- and I will already have somebody backing me prior to finally attempting to reason with my parents who have rejected my pleas so many times before.
I'm glad you've put in such an effort to come out instead of shoving yourself back in the closet. You are a brave person for outing yourself so many times, and I'm ashamed that no one readily accepted you for who you are.

Just know that we're all here to support you :)

On another note, sorry I've been gone so long guys. I've been in Maui!

Have a picture of a gecko I held.

  #4057    
Old July 29th, 2013 (1:54 PM).
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YourNobody YourNobody is offline
 
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Oh, I didn't know there was a club like this. It's also good to know that I'm not the only trans person here--I was a bit scared of that. I actually joined this forum a long time ago, but I never posted that much. I have made some attempts now and then to return, but never for very long. Honestly, I wasn't much into Pokemon anymore during those times, so that probably contributed to my leaving. For whatever reason, I've recently gotten into Pokemon again. Specifically, nuzlocke challenges.

Anyway, I was born with a male body. I never identified as male, though. I grew up not understanding how I could feel one way on the inside and have the opposite body. I thought there was something wrong with me for many years. Keep in mind that I come from a tiny town in central Minnesota and my family is catholic. I was sheltered. I didn't even know what that being transgender was a thing until I was 15. I tried to be a guy off and on as I grew up. Even after breaking down and crying about being a girl a number of times.

Then hormones kicked in and made everything about a thousand times worse. I found that my body was changing in ways I hated. On top of that, I realized that I liked girls. Now, this is where I lose a lot of people, so I'm going to try to explain this the best that I can. By the time I realized that I liked girls, I had accepted in my heart that I was a girl and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried and failed to be a guy. The fact that I had to try at all was a red flag. I could accept being a girl, despite it all, but being gay? Being gay and trans felt like it was too much. I couldn't handle it.

I struggled with coming out as trans until I was 26 when I finally did it. I also struggled with being a lesbian for just as long. Still, I came out as a lesbian the same time as coming out as trans. Even now, I have issues with being gay. I can't find myself being proud of being trans or gay. It's just been a hard time. For some people I tell this to, they don't understand how it could be hard for me to accept that I like girls. I was born male, right? That makes it easy. No. No, it doesn't. We're not even talking about my internal conflicts with being gay. Hell, I've had friends accept I was trans, but then stop talking to me when I told them I was a lesbian. My mother also thinks that my homosexuality is a phase. One day I'll wake up and realize I liked men all along. Yeah, right.

I've had my share of relationships with men. I am panromantic, so I almost like them, but without that sexual spark, it can be hard. It's not impossible, mind you, but it's hard. I've had guys dump me when it finally started to sink in that I didn't want to have sex with them. Or they get paranoid about me cheating on them with a woman, which is silly because women don't show any interest in me. Just guys. Frustrating.
  #4058    
Old July 29th, 2013 (2:21 PM).
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Kano Shuuya Kano Shuuya is offline
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^ I would say "you lost me", but I actually related to a lot of that. So like, I know almost exactly where you're coming from. I'm agender, but I've always leaned towards male, and I'm also bi, sooo regardless of what gender I hook up with, it feels kind of gay. Being trans and being bi / gay is an odd combination, and it just a really extreme set of issues to grow up with. So it's no wonder that it takes so many trans people years to deal with / come to terms with situations like that.

As far as parents going "You're straight, and you'll realize it when you're older", that pisses me off. It's like, when you're 12 and you say you're gay, that's been known to change, or you figure out that you're bi eventually (not always). Young kids go through a lot of changes. Though, when you're nearly an adult and being told that, it's just insulting.
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  #4059    
Old July 29th, 2013 (4:29 PM).
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Psycho Yuffie Psycho Yuffie is offline
 
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Because I was told the admins can't change usernames, I made a new account. I am YourNobody. Just an FYI.
  #4060    
Old July 29th, 2013 (10:54 PM).
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Uh, I didn't do it
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Still working on the whole meeting people thing.

I've been talking to new people, so at least I'm trying and not being a complete hermit.
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  #4061    
Old July 30th, 2013 (1:42 AM).
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blaziken25 blaziken25 is offline
 
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Can I join? (I dont know how to join)
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  #4062    
Old July 30th, 2013 (2:46 AM).
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Overlord Drakow Overlord Drakow is offline
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@blaziken: Of course you can, though technically it is not my place to say. Consider yourself a member henceforth :p

------

I've been thinking about this for a while now, on and off and I wasn't really intending on publicizing my thoughts but recently I changed my mind and I will expose a bit of my madness to you guys today. Also note that this is a hypothesis driven off my own perceptions of the world and that there isn't much hard coded facts in it, I just want to see what opinions other people have and such. Alright, here goes.

I believe that usually it is the female in a relationship who desires to have a baby more than the man. To the point where I consider the possibility of some sort of inherent genetic thought process that runs through females to have offspring in order for humanity to continue on. In the current day, this world is quite overpopulated and I ponder whether the above occurs less frequently in women now. I haven't looked at any information regarding birth rate trends or anything to that effect.

Also I wonder if the rise in global population could have something to do with the increase of the amount of people who are not born 'straight' as nature's way of trying to bring balance back to this world. Somewhat like how some chemical reactions reach and maintain a dynamic equilibrium such that any change imposed on the reaction will eventually revert back to the equilibrium state. Over time there seems to be an increase in the amount of non 'straight' people born into this world but is this just because back then people were far more afraid of 'coming out' than they are now or is it due to my explanation above or a combination of both? I'm finding it a bit difficult to put it all into words but I'll try summarize my two fold hypothesis now.

Due to the consistent increase in world population over time;

1) Nature (or some sort of unknown force or genetic change in thought process / something) is partially responsible for causing a decrease in annual births per year, thereby lowering the global population and attempt to bring more balance to this world.

2) Nature (or some sort of unknown force or genetic change in thought process / something) is partially responsible for causing an increase in non 'straight' people being born into this world as a means to lower the global population and attempt to bring more balance to this world.

1) could pretty easily be disproved by a graph that shows an increase of annual births over a recent span of time. 2) is harder to disprove I think. I apologize if anyone takes any offense to any part of my hypothesis. It is not my intention to hurt or upset anyone (for once!)

Just some food for thought.
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  #4063    
Old July 30th, 2013 (2:54 AM).
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It's an interesting thought Drakow, one that many laugh and joke about, how there is one huge flaw.

Your hypothesis suggests that 'nature' has some kind of consciousness or is able to influence genetics as a whole - when everyone's genetic data is, basically, isolated from the world. Essentially the only way that 'nature' could be the cause would work is with a designer controlling it.

I believe, a more likely explanation to the 'boom' in non-cis-heterosexual-etc.s is two fold.

1. It is more socially acceptable to be out, therefore more are known.
2. There are more people in the world, so the minority (I believe homosexuals are predicted at 7%?) is more noticable. That 7% is now millions of people, and we are connected via the internet and social media, making our presence more known.

As far as I'm concerned homosexuality has always existed, whether openly or behind the curtains. I don't believe there are more homosexuals now, just more people who don't 'turn straight' to please society.
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  #4064    
Old July 30th, 2013 (5:06 AM).
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Shining Raichu Shining Raichu is offline
Emile Hersch turned 30 today. Who the hell is Emile Hersch?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SwiftSign
2. There are more people in the world, so the minority (I believe homosexuals are predicted at 7%?) is more noticable. That 7% is now millions of people, and we are connected via the internet and social media, making our presence more known.
I don't think this is valid. The fact that 7% is now millions doesn't make it any more noticeable, because it's still 7%. The same proportion of a larger crowd is no more or less noticeable than that of a smaller crowd. The only way it would become more noticeable is if the proportion itself were to change.

Drakow, your thoughts are very interesting indeed! It brings about the interesting question about whether nature does have a consciousness. I'm no scientist, but what with brainwaves shooting all over the place and molecules and such, who knows what could be going on behind the scenes?

Also welcome blaziken25 and Psycho, I'll add you to the club list when you start posting in your new account. I'll keep an eye out for it
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  #4065    
Old July 30th, 2013 (5:30 AM).
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shining Raichu View Post
I don't think this is valid. The fact that 7% is now millions doesn't make it any more noticeable, because it's still 7%. The same proportion of a larger crowd is no more or less noticeable than that of a smaller crowd. The only way it would become more noticeable is if the proportion itself were to change.
It does, scientifically speaking, make something more noticable. Especially considering we can connect together via social media, making minority groups more interconnected and accessible.

Example:

When a small town (UK) these days has around 500 adults, using the 7% rule 35 people deviate from heterosexual. That is approaching a strong number, it means there is a strengthened possibility of you meeting another homosexual, or having friends. Even if some of these people are in the closet, there are still people you might find.

If we go back to when villagers were less than 100 people, there were 7. Now, once you filter in whatever the percentage of 'closeted' people in, there are even less. There are less opportunities to meet a gay person, even if the percentage is the same.

A further example - are you more likely to notice gay people in a village or a city? A city has a larger population, and the majority of western-cities now have some kind of gay scene caused by the congregation of people, making them far more noticeable. Again, proving the point.
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  #4066    
Old July 30th, 2013 (7:24 AM).
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Psycho Yuffie Psycho Yuffie is offline
 
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I just think that most people aren't born strictly heterosexual. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, even if it's in the middle with a strong favor toward the opposite sex. As people are allowed to explore their sexual desires, more are realizing they're not completely straight. Myself, I'm not completely gay. I do find the rare guy attractive. I'm either a Kinsey 5 or 4--depends on the day.
  #4067    
Old July 30th, 2013 (9:01 AM).
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Songbird Songbird is offline
The name's Uzume Tennouboshi! Yeah, I know, it's pretty badass.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drakow View Post
..this world is quite overpopulated...
This is where I stopped at first, because... it's not. Spatially, the entire living human population can be fit into Texas.

It's a matter of insufficient resources, not a matter of the actual population.
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  #4068    
Old July 30th, 2013 (9:57 AM).
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Psycho Yuffie Psycho Yuffie is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Songbird View Post
This is where I stopped at first, because... it's not. Spatially, the entire living human population can be fit into Texas.

It's a matter of insufficient resources, not a matter of the actual population.
To be more specific, 7 billion people could live in Texas with the same population density as New York City.

Also, Songbird, your signature is adorable. :3
  #4069    
Old July 30th, 2013 (10:13 AM).
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Kanzler Kanzler is offline
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@ Swiftsign: mmmm! I love your defense of your idea and it's really convincing! It is very plausible that you need a critical mass of people for those in-group channels of communication to flare up.

@ Psycho Yuffie: I'm of the opposing opinion that people are born with a certain plausible range of sexual identity - some narrow and some wider, some on different points in the spectrum - but I don't think most people fall in the middle. I'm not very attracted to the idea of middleness because it opens the slippery slope that sexual identity is mostly influenced by society and leads to, yunno, bad stuff.
  #4070    
Old July 30th, 2013 (9:13 PM).
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Jasper Jasper is offline
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Vsauce did a video on this. The entire population could fit in an area the size of Los Angeles if they wanted to.

Believe it or not. So I don't know whether that's relevant anymore, but it's my random trivia for you.
  #4071    
Old July 31st, 2013 (6:45 AM).
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Inkblots Inkblots is offline
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Songbird View Post
This is where I stopped at first, because... it's not. Spatially, the entire living human population can be fit into Texas.

It's a matter of insufficient resources, not a matter of the actual population.
Except that overpopulation and insufficient resources are essentially the same thing, are they not? If there are no longer enough resources to support a population - even if that population can fit comfortably in the area that they're in - then that area has become overpopulated, and the lack of resources is because of overpopulation. It goes for us as well, when looking at the world as a whole - even though spatially we can all fit quite comfortably, our population will eventually grow beyond the world's ability to support it. The insufficient resources are because of overpopulation. Insufficient resources doesn't just happen without a cause of some sort (whether overpopulation, natural disaster, disease, or the introduction of a new invasive species).
  #4072    
Old July 31st, 2013 (8:53 AM).
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Esper Esper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlahISuck View Post
@ Psycho Yuffie: I'm of the opposing opinion that people are born with a certain plausible range of sexual identity - some narrow and some wider, some on different points in the spectrum - but I don't think most people fall in the middle. I'm not very attracted to the idea of middleness because it opens the slippery slope that sexual identity is mostly influenced by society and leads to, yunno, bad stuff.
I dunno. I think that a lot of people have a wider range of sexual identities than they may think they have, and that society can and does influence people's sexuality in the sense that a lot of people are pushed by society to the far corners of the sexual spectrum where they identify as straight or gay, but nothing in the middle.

I mean, when you look at it, we have so many examples of excuses we come up with to reinforce the idea that sexuality is consistent throughout one's life. We says it's okay during puberty to be attracted to someone of the same sex "even if you're not gay." While it's good that we aren't judging people for that, we for some reason dismiss that attraction as being "not real" or some confusion of hormones. I don't understand why we can't just accept that as a valid part of someone's sexuality. Well, I can understand to some extent. We're afraid (justifiably) of the accusation that sexuality can change because, although there is nothing wrong with that idea, it will embolden people who think it's wrong to be gay or bi or asexual or anything not heterosexual. We can all imagine what those people would do with that kind of message.

Personally, I think it's okay to say "I was born gay and I won't change" but it's better to say "It doesn't matter if you choose to be gay or not. There's nothing wrong with being gay." (Or replace "gay" with whatever identity you'd like.)

I'm not saying that everyone has made a conscious decision. I just think that one's sexuality should be no one's business but one's own and whoever you choose to share it with.
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  #4073    
Old August 1st, 2013 (2:38 PM).
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Hann Hann is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drakow View Post
2) Nature (or some sort of unknown force or genetic change in thought process / something) is partially responsible for causing an increase in non 'straight' people being born into this world as a means to lower the global population and attempt to bring more balance to this world.
I don't think increasing the number of non 'straight' people would necessarily lower the global population. Same-sex couples have been known to have children. Wanting to have children is basically your own choice. Whether you want children or not has little or nothing to do with who you're attracted to (at least, that's my opinion). There are straight couples who have children and non 'straight' couples that have children. The same is true for not having children. Of course, I have to admit non 'straight' couples might have more difficulties having children than straight couples, but it's not impossible. (Sorry for the rant here, but this is like my weak spot and I can't seem to help myself. Part of it is because my dad (and some other members of my family) believe that gay couples who have children (or bisexual people) are not really gay (or indecisive). It's not like they're saying it all the time, but they said it once and that's enough to make me think about it over and over and over and over. It actually stops me from really coming out to my parents because I'm not 100% sure of who I am (I know it's impossible, but to me it's the only thing I want to be really sure of) and they might not take me seriously when I suddenly realize I'm not really who I thought I was).
What nature could 'do' is create something that affects our reproducing system so that there is less chance becoming pregnant. (But instead of nature doing that, we have nature creating diseases to try and lessen the global population)
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  #4074    
Old August 1st, 2013 (7:52 PM).
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Originally Posted by Scarf View Post
I dunno. I think that a lot of people have a wider range of sexual identities than they may think they have, and that society can and does influence people's sexuality in the sense that a lot of people are pushed by society to the far corners of the sexual spectrum where they identify as straight or gay, but nothing in the middle.
I can most certainly vouch for this. Although I was never attracted to anyone, I always assumed I was straight because I found men more aesthetically pleasing than women, and had more "squishes" (an intense desire to be close friends with/in a platonic relationship with another person, rather than a romantic relationship) on men than women.

But once I realized I was ace, I started to question why that is, and started examining my true feelings on the subject. I found that, at the very least, I was paying less attention to women because I had been told all my life I need to find a men, and therefore, paid significantly more attention to men. Possibly I was even suppressing some of the feelings I had about women, again, because (I believe) I kept getting that message over and over again, and with the lack of attraction to ANYONE well... I guess I just subconsciously chose the "default" option. Now I've found that I have nearly the same number of squishes on women as men, and even though there are still more men that I find aesthetically pleasing than women, that number is slowly evening out as I continue to try and let myself actually take notice of the way women look and allow myself to feel what I'm actually feeling.
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Old August 1st, 2013 (11:30 PM).
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Originally Posted by Scarf View Post
I dunno. I think that a lot of people have a wider range of sexual identities than they may think they have, and that society can and does influence people's sexuality in the sense that a lot of people are pushed by society to the far corners of the sexual spectrum where they identify as straight or gay, but nothing in the middle.
Yeah, when I was younger I thought that sexuality was basically black and white...until I was 14 and began learning slowly the big list of orientations/identities that are about.

That reminds me...I noticed that some newer folk (welcome by the way) have posted their stories about being trans, and that, I've only been slightly out since May, I never explained it to anyone other than my therapist. I just need to get this off my chest somewhere because jeez, it's kinda killing me otherwise.

I guess I can track it down to where I was about eleven. I always felt like a girl when I was a kid, but at the same time I was pretty confused about it because I felt pretty conflicted. Play groups outside of family were basically androgynous all the way so it didn't hit me as hard as others (I grew up in a family where there were no women born for seventeen years) so everyone was basically treated the same. Inside though I wanted to express my feelings to others, but I was somewhat popular (due to my brother), and had a generous amount of friends that would had not wanted to hear it at all. I considered myself a girl at home, but only when I was alone and behaved like getting caught would be the absolute death of me...big mistake.


In came middle school (K-12 alt school, years were broken up from Pre, K, 1-2, 3-6, 7-9, 10-12) where everything became separated as if everything was black and white, and I was not quite pleased with what hormones were doing with me at all. I was then given an indirect choice: stay with the peers I have for the past few years under a mask that is becoming very bothersome, or tell everyone and potentially need to leave the school behind...again, a mistake, I chose neither and became reclusive and depressed while telling no one. I stayed locked up even to my own family and only kept my best friend (who is with me to this day.) I was sometimes worried that some people would know something is wrong, but I stayed shut anyway. I transformed it into very bitter denial, quickly turning into a misanthropic and angry personality.


It stayed away until I was fourteen and starting high school in a different city. Not too long into the year I realised that I was indeed Pansexual, and did not want to take it lightly. For the trans of me though, I kept having visions of me biologically as a girl and...actually being happy. I tried to shove down like I had for two years, but it became difficult, so I substituted the bitterness with keeping myself entertained in order to keep it off my mind and stay in the closet. Again, big mistake. It worked, but with the price of...my grades making it so it'd be impossible for me to get accepted to a four year college, reclusive behaviour that was worse than before, and feeling like things were just going south. When I was about seventeen and a half I finally became warm to the idea of being pan and embraced it with open arms (being trans though, nononononono.)


Due to work being a huge distraction it wasn't on my mind at all, so I thought of it hardly ever. August of 2012 though my grandmother passed and it put me through quite the depression phase. Much like keeping my thoughts away from being trans, I attempted to bury it in thoughts so it wouldn't be a big deal and then...it happened. I suddenly could not keep being a girl out of my head anymore. It was the only thing I could think of, and it was coming at me like a freight train. The last thing I wanted to do though was admit it, and I came out...halfway. I acknowledged and accepted that I was not cisgender, but refused to put it to rest. I substituted for other gender identities instead...another big mistake. It made everything ten times worse than it was before, causing me to start hitting myself. While causing only minor headaches, it made me feel like I was about to lose my mind and make me do worse things. This continued until about early May this year where I finally became comfortable about being MtF. Which soon after led to this. Since then, and therapy I've been feeling better, and hope to be living the life I always should had very soon.
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