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  #1    
Old August 3rd, 2013 (4:11 AM). Edited August 3rd, 2013 by Dark Sonic.
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Dark Sonic Dark Sonic is offline
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    [Pokémon] A Journey to a Master
    Chapter 1: First Pokémon

    It was one night when 10 year old ash ketchum was watching Pokémon battles all night with the fact that he was ecstatic,thrilled,overjoyed that the next morning something he always waited for all his life was that he finally has a chance to get his first Pokémon hes been dreaming of.

    His dream was probably like any other trainers would be like to have one of the three starters obtainable Bulbasaur the grass type, Charmander the fire type and squirtle the water type He imagined and visualized how it would be like if he battle with those three in a real full on battle.

    It was morning, a nice sunny day you can hear the birds chirping who knew what life possibilitys lie ahead for the 10 year old ash ketchum except the fact he overslept due to staying up all night watching Pokémon battles.

    Ash who is still in his pajamas rushes out door but only to be stopped halfway by his childhood rival Gary who already has a Pokémon in his arsenal(unlike ash who overslept) making a fun of him how he would be the best trainer and how he was to have prof.oak as his grandpa in the business telling him"you snooze you lose ashy-boy!" as Gary leaves to go on his already started journey

    Still eager to get his first Pokémon young ash storms into lab with excitement finally gets to get his first Pokémon Prof.Oak the famous professor of the town allows ash to pick his first Pokémon after he questions him that he doesn't look ready to go on a journey ash soon later finds out the theres no Pokémon left due to him being late with his last option he suggests that he gives him the electric mouse Pokémon pikachu who he barely caught and stills is untamed but ash still eagerly accepts and gets a pokedex and pokeballs from the professor as ash ketchum's journey to train Pokémon finally starts as he's journey unfolds

    Excited and ready to go on a journey that he dreamed of his mother delia ketchum brings him his clothes and useful things she's sees ash's first Pokémon who doesn't like being a Pokéball very much thinking that somethings wrong with it.. ash puts on his traveling clothes and departs from his mother for the first time who is saying "be careful honey i will miss you! and don't forget to change your undies!" as a young trainer goes on a journey to fulfil his life-long dream......

    Next Chapter: journey begins
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      #2    
    Old August 3rd, 2013 (12:43 PM).
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    Astinus Astinus is offline
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      I'm going to guess that you actually meant to title the thread "Journey to A Master" and not "First Pokemon".

      Are you going to do something more with this story than just a rushed retelling of the Pokemon anime episodes? Right now, this is very bare-bones, and there's nothing really a person can get from your fanfic that they can get from watching the first fifteen minutes of the first episode. If you want to do a retelling, you should do something with it to make it your own. Expand on canon events, add some humor, or something different to mark it as your own.

      The grammar and spelling of this is also holding your story back. Right in your first sentence, the name of your main character isn't capitalized when it should be. It should be "Ash Ketchum" every time. Same with Delia, Gary, Professor Oak, and Pikachu, since that's the Pokemon's name.

      There are many other mistakes made in this story. One part that I'm really stuck on is
      Quote:
      right before he starts his journey his lovely mother delia brings him his traveling clothes and underwear she's be careful honey! and don't forget to change your underwear on the other pikachu doesn't like to to be in his pokemon so at his free will stays out.
      I'm guessing that she's saying "Be careful, honey! Don't forget to change your underwear! One other thing, Pikachu doesn't like to be in his Poke ball, so he stays out on his own free will." Right now, it seems like Delia is telling Ash to change the underwear on his other Pikachu, who doesn't like being in Pokemon.

      A few of these problems could be caught between spell-check ("churping" would then become "chirping") and reading your story out loud before you post it to the forums. If you need more help, someone might be willing to read over your story before you post it to help find mistakes, and you can always ask questions here.
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        #3    
      Old August 3rd, 2013 (7:26 PM).
      xdwasdx xdwasdx is offline
         
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        Is english your first language? I don't mean to be rude but it doesn't seem like you have a full grasp on english grammar quite yet. I like the story though. It has potential!
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          #4    
        Old August 3rd, 2013 (8:43 PM).
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        Dark Sonic Dark Sonic is offline
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          no Italian is i am very sorry i will fix that asap but yes i will change this to my point of view
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