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[Pokémon] Story Of The 25111969[CH-1 PT-1 FALL OF KANTO)

markosharko98

The name is enough..
15
Posts
10
Years
Story Of The 25111969(Ch-2 pt-1 released)

kfun.jpg
DISCLAIMER:this is the new fanfic b'cause my last thread was closed i hope this one is good pls reply.
============================================================================
CH-1​
[ THE FALL OF KANTO]​
The secretary had just finished his work when Major Black called from outside his office door, "Come out, this is serious."
"Oh, without a doubt." Said the secretary.

Major Black works under secretary in the 'INTENSIVE CRYSIS UNIT'. He was one of the most trusted men of the secretary.

The secretary comes out with his briefcase."What are you doing here at this time?"

"No time for chit-chat, we have crisis on our heads look at this."

"Continue, What happened? Give me your PDA."

Major continues," I hope you won't react badly to this."

The secretary replies in a rude way," See I don't have time for games okay . I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents."

Major replies in a sad tone," Sir the Pokémon HQ has been collapsed and huge no. of Pokémon have been gone missing since the incident." Secretary astonished," What but how who has done this and what about the team which was responsible for the security?" Major with a sigh," The sources say that it was the horizon and this time they are being led by Pollex Troy." Just as the major finishes, they hear a beeping sound and with a sudden reaction the secretary spears major with him through the window and they both fall on a car.Major," What was that huh , oww my back feels like being banged by a sledgehammer oh god!"
Secretary slides down the car and replies,"If you were still there then you were about to be blown to bits." And suddenly a blast took place and the building blows into smithereens." Holy crap what was that?" Said Black confusingly. Suddenly a limo stops in front of them and the chauffeur asks them to come in , they both sit in the car as the building burns. The limo drifts through the alley." Ok so what was that and how come you knew that we were there and ho...?"

The secretary asks black to stop and replies,"See I understand your feeling but show some respect he is the president who funds us ok, so what brings you to us Mr. President?", secretary finishes." I really hate to say it but I am no president now okay, and these words could be my last."

"See cut to the chase." The Secretary in an appraising look, the presidents pulls out a dossier with a P.D and hands them over to him and says," See as of now the government of Kanto has been collapsed, it's just you and your team whom I am leaving as the in charge , so as we speak The Horizon plans their next move for world domination . All I want you to do is that give this mission to agent 25111969 (secretary facepalms) yes I know you have some problems with him but at this time he is the only one I can think who can do this job , So as you get down make your way to Mt. Silver a rumor has spread that he is there I am leaving you this job because I trust you and…". Suddenly the car turns upside down and rolls down the road and crashes down in a restaurant." Well that's 2 crashes in a day. " Said Black while extruding himself out of the car.

"Major come here go to the phone and call Nurse Joy we have a situation here come on Prez stay with me " said the secretary while applying pressure on president's wound. " You can drop the phone Back." Came an unknown voice." Oh it's you? You see Pollex I am not surprised to see you doing all the dirty work."

"You and mom never understood my words, well I'll repeat them again if you do something good to yourself by taking others happiness is not a dirty work. Understood...Dad."

"You are not my son and don't call her your mom it's only because of you that she is not with me "said the secretary .

Pollex shoots the president in the head and replies," Me , me and only me!!! That's all you care about and this will be the only reason that you won't be able to stop my rampage Mr. Secretary of The Pokémon security wing you are done even if you destroy the horizon , I alone can stop you." Both son and father look into each other's eye and secretary replies," I would have loved to stop but I have someone better than me and you who will stop you and destroy your plans."

Pollex smiles and replies," You think that kid can stop me(laughs loudly) You should die of shame a kid is better than you all but don't think that he is better than me and most of all he won't know that something has happened down his mountain cause he is playing with a unicorn in the sky haahahha farewell father!." Pollex points the gun at his father but Major comes from behind and grabs him," Run sir I'll keep him busy , you should not waste your time take his helicopter and run."

Pollex tirelessly tries to free himself from major's hold," You can run this time but keep it in mind that you can bring anyone but no one will beat me and you will die by my hands ARE YOU LISTENING STEVEN!!!!"

The secretary takes the helicopter but as he leaves the restaurant in which Pollex and Major were fighting exploded thus resulting tragic death of his friend.

So will Steven find 25111969 who is his the last hope or will he fail. To know read CH-2 (Its ahead schedule and is released)
 
Last edited:

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
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11
Years
As it sits, I'm getting lost reading it. I find myself rereading lines on accident and I can't get through it.

I would space out the text and put it in proper format. That means hitting the enter/return key twice to put a space between paragraphs, because for some reason tab doesn't transfer over. You should start a new line every time you switch ideas, or someone new is talking. Here is what I mean:
The secretary replies in a rude way," See I don't have time for games OK.I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents."Major replies in a sad[FONT=inherit !important] tone[/FONT], "Sir the Pokémon HQ has been collapsed and huge no. of Pokémon have been gone missing since the incident."Secretary astonished, "What but how who has done this and what about the team which was responsible for the security?"Major with sigh, "The sources say that it was the horizon and this time they are being led by Pollex Troy."Just as the major finishes, they hear a beeping sound and with a sudden reaction the secretary spears major with him through the window and they both fall on a car.
Would turn into this:
The secretary replies in a rude way," See I don't have time for games OK.I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents."

Major replies in a sad [FONT=inherit !important]tone[/FONT], "Sir the Pokémon HQ has been collapsed and huge no. of Pokémon have been gone missing since the incident."

Secretary astonished, "What but how who has done this and what about the team which was responsible for the security?"

Major with sigh, "The sources say that it was the horizon and this time they are being led by Pollex Troy."

Just as the major finishes, they hear a beeping sound and with a sudden reaction the secretary spears major with him through the window and they both fall on a car.
This way, the reader isn't confused on who's talking and let's face it. People are more likely to read something if it has spacing, it's less intimidating and people won't get lost, like me. Once you add the spacing, I would love to go through and review your story, but as it currently sits, it's just too difficult to read.
 

bobandbill

one more time
16,891
Posts
16
Years
Please don't double post unless you're posting a new chapter. Use the edit button instead, or wait for someone else to post. I'd also suggest keeping away from the capslock button in replies and if YOUR ENTIRE POST IS LIKE THIS THEN IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE SHOUTING AT THE OTHER PERSON, like so. =p I've merged them for now.

Also at reviews - please make sure your review says more than 'you should make a rom hack of this!'. It doesn't help the author at all and is a generic comment that can be applied to any other fic.

On the point about spacing - it really is better to use double spacing throughout (ie between each paragraph, including when someone different starts speaking). Not only is it just better presentation for the reader (you want the reader to be able to easily read your work, and computer screens aren't the best for that already), it's incorrect to not start a new paragraph when someone else starts speaking. And it's always better to be consistent with presentation as well.
 

Nolafus

Aspiring something
5,724
Posts
11
Years
Edit: I got Ninjask'd by Bobandbill! D:

The secretary had just finished his work when Major Black called from outside his office door, "Come out this is serious?"
"Oh, with no doubts."Said the secretary.
I'm not sure what Major Black is saying when he calls the secretary. "Come out, this is serious" sounds like a statement (you also need a comma after "out"), but then you put a question mark there, making it a question. I'm confused on whether Major Black is telling the secretary that this thing is serious, but then that theory is denied when the secretary responds with, "Oh, with no doubts." How would Major Black know if the secretary was done if he never even set foot in the secretary's office? Right now, the scene doesn't make much sense. Also, "Oh, with no doubts" is written awkwardly. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but people normally say "without a doubt" or "without any doubts". I would change it to either one of those.

Major Black works under secretary in the 'INTENSIVE CRYSIS UNIT'
The "Intensive Crisis Unit" doesn't need to by caps locked and it can go without the apostrophes. The reader will know it's a name by the first capitalized letters in the name. You also misspelled "crysis", try "crisis" instead. Unless that was intentional and part of the name, then you can leave it be.

"No time for chit-chat we have crisis on our head look at this."
You need a comma after "chit-chat". When you say "on our head", it makes it seem like they share a head with each other. Although interesting, I don't think it's what you meant. Try "heads" instead. I would also put a period after "heads" and start a new sentence.

"Continue. What happen here give me your PDA ?"
You need a comma after "here" and I would also replace that first period with a comma. The space before the question mark is unneeded and should go. You also need to change "happen" to "happened" if he is referring to something that already took place, or "happens" if he is referring to a future event. I would move the question mark to after "here", and put a period at the end of what he is saying instead.

" See I don't have time for games OK.I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents.
You need to drop that first space in front of "see", which also needs a comma behind it. Don't use acronyms in writing, unless it's the name of a group. So "OK" would change to "okay". You also need a space in the beginning of the second sentence to separate it from the previous one.

I HAVE SPACED THE TEXT BUT PARAGRAPHS ARE WITH LOW SPACE CUZ THEY WERE REALLY LOOKING AKWARD WITH DOUBLE SPACE
Correction, you have spaced some of the text. Even if it looks awkward, you have to do it. Don't worry, when I have conversations in my writing, it looks like it shouldn't be so spaced out, but it has to be. If you want me to continue reviewing, you're going to have to space out the rest. Also, you don't need caps lock on, it looks like you're shouting and angry.
 
10,174
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When you say "on our head", it makes it seem like they share a head with each other. Although interesting, I don't think it's what you meant. Try "heads" instead.
I think the phrase markosharko98 might have been going for is "on our hands," which is the correct way to say it.

Without proper paragraphing through the whole story, it's still difficult to read. But I did notice this while scanning through:
.Major,"What was that huh,oww my back feels like being banged by a sledgehammer oh god!" sledgehammer."Secretary slides down the car and replies, "If you were still there then you were about to blown to bits."
I think something is missing here, because you just have a random "sledgehammer" repeated for some odd reason.
 

markosharko98

The name is enough..
15
Posts
10
Years
kfun.jpg
Go through this before reading its important[/CENTER]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer:- Well here is the second chapter of my fanfic , It is ahead scheduled\ and is back with more action. From now this fanfic is rated "teen" so don't read if you are under age.The chapter is divided in 3 parts. please reply after reading.
=============================================================================Ch-2 Finding 25111969
Pt-1 New alliance​
3 days prior to major's death the secretary landed on Mt. Silver and without wasting time he started searching 25111969.

After searching for hours the secretary goes to an old café located on the farther of Mt. Silver .The secretary sits and starts to think," Where has he gone? This place is the last point where normal people can come and no one is allowed beyond this point not even a VIP." Seeing secretary lost in his world a man comes near him and starts clapping in the face of the secretary ,"What is the problem with you? Get lost don't disturb." the secretary says by moving the man's hand back. The man sits next to the secretary ,"The name is Tony by the way , I was looking at you by the time you came in , so how can I help you?"

The secretary gives a disgusting look and replies," See I don't need a guide , so please leave me alone." Tony gets up and puts on his aviators and replies back to the secretary," Well, I guess that you don't want to meet 'The 25111969' am I right?"

The secretary gets surprised and stands up," How do you know him and are you sure he is the one I am finding?" Tony gives a smile and says," Yeah old fellow he is the one you are looking for and I know him because he is my home , now come on I'll take you to him." Secretary happily replies," Yes lets go."

They both get out of the café and the secretary gets onto Tony's bike. "So, how do you met him ?" Asked the secretary. "Actually I have only heard his voice not seen him but if you are still asking I'll tell you , well it was a fine day and I was wandering near the waterfall where suddenly a lumineon splashed water on me and as I stepped back without seeing I accidentally hit an Ariados who then started chasing me , I started running(he was running along the river)as fast as I could but the nasty spider caught me using a web shot and dragged me into the river . I was being pushed to nasty waterfall by the merciless waves but suddenly a helicopter flew over and stopped at the starting of the waterfall , yeah I still remember it , so where were we , yes thank god the copter arrived I flowed in to the helicopter's deck after that he dropped me and gave me his pokenav number and told me that he would help me when needed after that we only talked through the navigators but I was never able to see his face but things are going to change I guess ."

"Hmm after this I am also eager to know what he is doing nowadays."said the secretary.

Suddenly a group of thugs come in their way . "Whoa! Meat , what on earth you are doing here with your men? Don't worry he is just a small thug, I'll deal with him." Meat gives a sinister smile takes out his poke balls and brings his Pokémon out," Don't act as if you know nothing ? This was the last time I'm asking where is the 'sloth demon' and our money?" Tony throttles his bike," See I agree that I took your money but believe me it is being used for other's good and you won't meet sloth demon until he wants you to meet him so let us pass."

More men arrive with ferocious Pokémon ," You won't pass until you give me the money or sloth demon shows himself."The secretary looks around and sees more men hiding in trees," See he is planning a full scale attack on you , take a look there more men are hiding on trees we have no way other than running through Meat now."
Tony replies," Alright but I would suggest you to take out a powerful Pokémon and also take a gun from the utility box by your left leg . You did it to yourself ." The secretary turns around as Tony runs over Meat . Meat's men come to pick him," Leave me imbeciles catch them, ATTACK."

(In slow motion)And the men start running towards them and throw every move on them. But Tony and secretary try to cut their way through them by fighting bravely.

So, after this unexpected event can the secretary reach 25111969 or will he be stopped on his way. Can Tony take him to his friend whom he has never seen but only heard and who is this 'Sloth Demon' .To find out read Ch-2 Finding 25111969 (PT 2 The last hope on 25/09/13 and pt-3 Pallet Invasion on 26/09/13.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pt-2 The last hope
The last time we saw how Meat came in and started fighting for his money and 'Sloth demon'. Now the secretary is engaged in a tense fight with Meat and on his side is his
New friend Tony who has promised him to take him to 25111969 . Now begins Pt-2 The last
Hope.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The secretary and Tony are fighting and trying to escape the nuisance but more men they knock out more men come out. The secretary pulls his poke ball out and throws it high into the sky.

"Come out Hydreigon" Secretary calls out his faithful friend. Hydreigon roars and flies around to show his happiness. "Happy to see you again my friend now start knocking these thugs out one by one. Use hyper beam!" and with his lightning speed Hydreigon starts knocking the thugs out with a merciless hyperbeam.

"Heads up both of you more men approaching from forward" exclaimed Tony.
"Okay , Hydreigon lower altitude and let me ride on" secretary calls out . Hydreigon lowers his attitude and the secretary climbs on him . Both of them started cutting through Meat's men (In slow motion) It was looking as if that the secretary is a warrior and was knocking a army of a million men .

Seeing his men falling one by one Meat retreats back," I'll see you another day Tony and remember I'll take my money back and find 'The sloth demon'. Get back you fools , don't you hear let me get back to the hood I'll punish you all. RETREAT" and after this Meat and his men run back to their hood.

"It was a hell of a fight huh Tony (pants) By the way who is this sloth demon?."Asks the secretary . Tony replies," Your friend is famous here with this unusual Codename he fights these thugs so that Mt. Silver can be peaceful." The secretary chuckles," Peaceful but nobody lives here."

Tony gets off his bike," Well, many people don't know it but there are small villages in the depths of this mountain , many people here don't like people from down coming up."
The secretary nods his head . "Well let's move on old man because we have to walk from here and we have to reach there before night because wild Pokémon hunt at night." Tony says to the secretary.

They both walk on their way for an hour when suddenly they come to the cliff," What the hell, Tony are you sure he lives here?" exclaimed the secretary . Tony takes his navigator out and starts checking it ,"But the tracer always showed this place when we used to talk, even when he was not using his device the tracer showed this location." The secretary shows agitation of hands," God damn it ! Don't you know he is PSW agent it's his work to hide his location. I don't know why did I come with you? I've already wasted so much time gahh!"

Tony gets his eyes down," I should have known it , sorry for wasting your time." The secretary replies," You shouldn't be , aft….."Secretary falls to the ground. Tony rushes towards him," What happened to you old man get up , how on earth am I going to find a doctor in this forest?"

Suddenly a dart hits his neck ,"What the hell is this and why am I feel.. l.. in so sleepy." And like that Tony also falls to the ground."

After some time the secretary gets back to his sanity and finds himself tied upside down," Hey, what is this place and why am I tied like this."

Suddenly the door room opens and a charmeleon comes in and unties him," Thank you , hey can you tell me where I am ?"But the charmeleon acts like there was no one around him and walks out. The secretary follows him and as he comes he is left astounded .The secretary's eyes pop out because he finally got to 'The 25111969' who was his last hope, he stopped near him but he gave him a look full of anger.

" What happened to you, why are you looking at me like this 25111969 ?"Asked the secretary and as he finished 25111969 caught him by his collar," Don't call me with this name you lost this right when you disavowed me ." Said 25111969. The secretary breaks his hold," Okay See Mark, Is it okay to take your real name? Now I was also not interested to meet you okay so listen , some events have occurred while you were here and your region needs you back on duty ?"

Mark turns to the sky," You see the clouds , they are independent and they don't stop anywhere for anyone not even the sun." This line of Mark hits the secretary as confusion," What do you mean by that ?"Mark smiles and replies," By this I mean that I have left my old self and moved on to a life of a traveler , sorry but I can't do this , you know after that event my eyes were opened ."

These words leave secretary confused and astonished , is Mark who is his last hope denying him to help or is it something else . To know keep reading The story of 25111969
(Ch-2 pt-3 On 26/09/13)
===========================================================================
Pt-3 Pallet invasion
The last time we saw how the secretary finally reached 25111969 aka Mark but he is left astonished when he gets a strange reply from him . Now Pt-3 The Pallet Invasion. ===========================================================================

Mark turns to the sky," You see the clouds , they are independent and they don't stop anywhere for anyone not even for the sun." This line of Mark hits the secretary as confusion," What do you mean by that ?"Mark smiles and replies," By this I mean that I have left my old self and moved on to a life of a traveler , sorry but I can't do this , you know after that event my eyes were opened ."

The secretary is left wide open after hearing these words ,"Are you saying me no in an indirect way , please understand this no small mission the whole world is on bet and you are the only one who can do this , moreover it's a presidential order." Mark grinned," The president is dead , I have sources , don't think that I don't know no nothing because I stay In this remote area . Now please leave, you also have 'Intensive crysis unit" for this work.

The secretary replies ," See no one of PSW is left leaving you and me are left , plus we've already wasted a lot of time and I do not know what has happened after I came here, many have lost their beloved ones, so please (falls to his knees) I am begging you to come."

Mark gets him up," Well you really know how to convince someone , come on let's go explain me everything on the way." Secretary lights up,' Yippee , But still It will take us 4-5 days to get there."

"Well you don't worry." Replies Mark as he takes out a remote from his pocket. He presses a button on it and a jet comes out of the ground. The secretary gets shocked," You have K950-f/3002 but there was only one in the whole world which was stolen." Mark gets in the jet and replies," Well I stole it for personal uses." Secretary chuckles ,"Personal uses , which can cost you a lot with a life sentence."

"Will you get in or prefer walking" Mark replies . They both take off from the mountain and secretary explains Mark everything for his mission . "So where to ?" Asks Mark and the secretary replies," Pallet town it's the only place which is safe for now and we can also get some help there."

Mark turns the jet and heads to Pallet town with full speed.As they come over the skies of Pallet Town they see that it is under attack ," Holy crap! They found this place , C'mon we have to save them , does this thing fights?" Secretary reacting to the situation . " Yes and I am shifting controls to you , see you clear them out from the route-1 and I am going down to secure the civilians." Mark replies and hits the eject button.

Mark lands near Oak's lab and sees Ash and Brock fighting ," Pikachu thunderbolt" and Pikachu takes out a horizonal and his Pokémon . Brock was fighting other thugs," Toxicroak use sludge bomb on Sneasel." Toxicroak uses sludge bomb but Sneasel dodges it ," Sneasel finish him off ." The horizonal commanded sneasel and takes him out . " Toxicroak no !" says Brock.

Pikachu also gets knocked on the other side and more men start to come . "Oh god how are we going to fight all our Pokémon are hurt ." Ash exclaims . Brock searches his bag and says," Even the medicines are finished but we must protect the lab and its Pokémon ."
Thugs and their Pokémon corner them and start attacking them but Mark comes to rescue ," Charmeleon go , Knock them off using flamethrower." Mark called out his friend . Charmeleon knocked out the men but more came," Hey Steven use the missiles on them ." Mark says to Steven and he uses them.

In a second the whole army was cleared . Ash and Brock come to Mark," Hey thanks for your help and what's your name by the way." Asks Ash. Mark calls back charmeleon," My name is Mark ." Brock says," Thank you, but I don't think it's time to talk let's check the lab to see if everyone is okay."

The three of them walk towards the lab's door but as they come near the door explodes and they fall to the ground ,"What was that?" says Mark. Through the smoke came through a shady figure it was none other than Pollex Troy ," So you came ?"

What is Pollex doing in Pallet Town is he here for the Pokémon or something else ? To know keep reading The story of 25111969. Ch-3 on 2/10/13
 
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markosharko98

The name is enough..
15
Posts
10
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kfun.jpg

CH-3
THE END OF KANTO
Mark , Ash and Brock walked towards the door of the lab and as they came near the door blasted and sent them crashing to the ground ," Holy nurse Joy , what was that ." Said Brock. And through the smoke a shadowy figure was approaching . "What was that and are you alright Mark ?" Asked Steven from the jet.

"Yup I am alright ." Replied Mark as he stood up . "So you came huh , I thought that you were playing with unicorns on your mountain." Voice came from the smokes . " Hmm So you are Pollex, am I right ?" Said Mark.

Pollex came through and replied, "Correct answer" . Mark took out his poke ball ," Let's fight and see who is better." Pollex laughed and replied," You think you can beat me ? If you think so then forget it because I don't have time." Mark jumped back," Well, you don't have a choice."

"Yes I have" said Pollex as he saw secretary flying the jet . Mark also turned to the sky," No! Don't do that , Steven back away he is looking going to attack you." Mark said .

Pollex replies"hahahah I was thinking something else but if you are insisting then I'll blow him." Pollex raised his hand to the sky and a huge number of missiles started to approach The secretary.

The secretary started evading missiles but one struck him and his plane crashed." Are you okay? Steven reply is everything alright?" Asked Mark and Steven replied," Yes , d..don't worry I'll be there (coughs) make sure that everyone in the lab is okay."

Mark turns back to Pollex but he wasn't there," Look above your head fool you won't fight me unless I want and if you are able then you'll die , hasta la vista ." Said Pollex as he flew away on his Salamance .

Mark rushed into the lab to see if everything is okay and on reaching he sees a whole lot of people , he also sees Ash and Brock talking to Professor Oak . He approaches them," Ah you must be the lad who helped them both ." Asked Oak . " No time to talk, now tell me is everything in place? Mark asked. Oak scratches his head," Yes everything is alright but a man came in and stole my computer and a P.D containing old documents of no use."

Mark gave a sigh of relief," Oh thank god, but be alert this can happen anytime these days."

Suddenly wall standing opposite to them blasted," What was that?"said Ash. Brock ran towards the broken wall and what he saw left astounded," Holy mother of officer Jenny, There is a nuke submarine in the waters at the end of town." Oak got stunned and Ash was speechless , " Don't just stand there , help these people evacuate are you even listening?"

Oak comes back to his senses," Right, everybody to the basement."

Mark helps Oak and others to get down to the basement," Now what you expect , just to sit here and wait for the missile to strike." Said Mark . Oak takes out a remote and uses it," Well, I have hidden a boat here enough for all of us to escape without them knowing, so care to help me."

Everybody got on the boat when Mark suddenly remembered about Steven," Steven , he is not here I have to get him back." Exclaimed Mark. "We'll help you too." Said Ash . Mark took out his Poke balls," No, stay here take them, in case I don't come keep them , now leave and wait by the coast of Pallet."

Mark ran and reached Steven ," Why did you come, it's no use I can die any minute." Said Steven. " I won't do that again , come on we are leaving."

Suddenly the submarine started bombarding Pallet and Mark started running with Steven on his back , as he ran forward everything behind him started to blow to bits but he ran , ran with all his courage and reached The Pallet coast.

Mark jumped to the boat as Pallet was turned to smoke and ashes.

"Come on run , and take Steven to the nurse." Mark as he came to the ship. Every person on the boat was scared and confused , nobody knew why this thing happened nobody talked about this catastrophe and boat was covered with a blanket of silence. "Where to go professor , we have to do something ." Mark asked.

" Even I don't know too but I know that whatever happened back there was the end of Kanto." Said Oak

After the unfortunate event nobody knew what to do , they escaped somehow but some who didn't had to die. With no idea where to go Mark is confused , unaware that why Pollex destroyed so many lives . To know more keep reading Story of the 25111969. Ch- 4 on 11.10.13.
 
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CoffeeDrink

GET WHILE THE GETTIN'S GOOD
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It would take me some time, koff~

I hate to ask, but is English your first language? I think that might explain a lot of things here. I see there are some pronouns where they are not needed. Random nouns and poorly laid adjectives all about. Certain sentences have a jumbled make-up in the first post and sadly continue on through the rest:

"The secretary had just finished his work when Major Black called from outside his office door, "Come out, this is serious."
"Oh, without a doubt." Said the secretary.

Major Black works under secretary in the 'INTENSIVE CRYSIS UNIT'. He was one of the most trusted men of the secretary."


It reads really harsh. Who or what exactly is the 'Secretary'? Is he like the Secretary of Defense? Secretary of Education? Who exactly is he?

Also: The secretary replies in a rude way," See I don't have time for games okay . I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents.

"Major replies in a sad tone," Sir the Pokémon HQ has been collapsed and huge no. of Pokémon have been gone missing since the incident."


There are quotation marks out of place and weird subjunctive terms in here (throughout the entire story). I'm really having a hard time following what is going on here.

Again, if English is not your first language I can understand all of the errors and inconsistencies in the story. I think it would take some time to correct this, but I believe you'd only benefit by correcting everything in your prologue and work from there. If a reader doesn't know what's going on in the first part of the story, they can hardly be expected to follow the rest if it hasn't been improved.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'd like you to correct your first post before going further, koffi~
 

markosharko98

The name is enough..
15
Posts
10
Years
It would take me some time, koff~

I hate to ask, but is English your first language? I think that might explain a lot of things here. I see there are some pronouns where they are not needed. Random nouns and poorly laid adjectives all about. Certain sentences have a jumbled make-up in the first post and sadly continue on through the rest:

"The secretary had just finished his work when Major Black called from outside his office door, "Come out, this is serious."
"Oh, without a doubt." Said the secretary.

Major Black works under secretary in the 'INTENSIVE CRYSIS UNIT'. He was one of the most trusted men of the secretary."


It reads really harsh. Who or what exactly is the 'Secretary'? Is he like the Secretary of Defense? Secretary of Education? Who exactly is he?

Also: The secretary replies in a rude way," See I don't have time for games okay . I am already tired of checking the field reports of our agents.

"Major replies in a sad tone," Sir the Pokémon HQ has been collapsed and huge no. of Pokémon have been gone missing since the incident."


There are quotation marks out of place and weird subjunctive terms in here (throughout the entire story). I'm really having a hard time following what is going on here.

Again, if English is not your first language I can understand all of the errors and inconsistencies in the story. I think it would take some time to correct this, but I believe you'd only benefit by correcting everything in your prologue and work from there. If a reader doesn't know what's going on in the first part of the story, they can hardly be expected to follow the rest if it hasn't been improved.

I'm sorry to say this, but I'd like you to correct your first post before going further, koffi~
Well thanks for your reply and yes english is not my first language but i am trying to improve it. As for the quotation, i agree that i placed them incorrectly , and prologue will be there.
 

markosharko98

The name is enough..
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Ch-4
(No title decided)

" Well I did what I could , but we have to reach to a coast fast , I think he will not last long in these conditions. You can see him if you want." Said the nurse. Mark went inside the room where the secretary was being treated," I guess my dream to teach Pollex a lesson will be a dream only(coughs)..well I guess it's time." Said the secretary.

Mark sat next to him," What time are you talking about ?" Mark asked

The secretary closed his eyes and replied," You'll know soon… very soon." Mark stood up," Well I'm waiting for it . May you get well soon and we'll beat Pollex together." Replied Mark.

Mark returned to the upper deck where Ash was standing," So do we know where to go?" Asked Mark. "No, but I think we'll soon." Replied Ash . Suddenly Brock came rushing out of control room,"Come in quick "

Mark and Ash went to Brock ," What's the matter Brock, why are you so tensed?" Asked Ash. "Well just come fast , you must hear it." Replied Brock.

The 3 of them went inside the control room where Professor Oak was messing with a radio ." Guys come here this is serious!" Said Oask. They went closer to him," Now, listen this radio transmission it got caught when the system came back online."

" (Sounds of picking something up) If you get this message consider yourself lucky , (pants) listen carefully if you are planning to come to Johto then don't because some weird men have taken over… these are my last words because they are chasing me (pants again) and I know they will kill me , so if you listen then don't come … kaaahhh."

Oak turns the radio off," I guess they are taking hostages and killing people who are trying do oppose them."

Mark banged the table," We have to do something, Oak turn the boat , we are near to the coast of Cherrygrove." Everybody got stunned ," Have you lost your mind? Do you even know that by doing this we can put the lives of innocent people that we bought along in grave danger."Exclaimed Oak.

"But we can't just keep sailing till infinity." Said Mark.

Suddenly the door opened and the secretary came through," Do as he says (Coughs)." Brock turned to him," Why did you come here? You should rest, it's not good for you to roam in this condition."

"Don't worry about me (coughs). I have a plan." Said the secretary. "What plan?" Asked Ash. The Secretary pulled a map out and spread it on the table ," Where did you get that?" Asked Mark. " I found it floating in the water while I was glancing out of the window and this time I struck the jackpot." The secretary replied. "What Jackpot and what plan?" Asked Oak.

" Okay, So listen this a map, a secret map of The Hoenn's sapphire marines and all the safe places of Hoenn are marked on it." The secretary replied.

The secretary took a pen and started marking the map," Now here is the plan , we will drop Mark on the coast of Cherrygrove city and then we will make our way to Littleroot town." Oak interrupted him," You are talking about Littleroot , we are not even near Hoenn and we can't reach there before 2 days even if we sail at full speed."

The secretary answered him," Yes, I know it but we can reach there in 5 hours if we follow this map's instruction, see it's clearly says that if we sail south west from Cherrygrove at full speed we will reach The Southern island, from there we'll take a plane to Littleroot where we'll leave these people in the safe military camp. So let's get rolling."
"Okay, Ash and Brock I want the two of you to move the people to the lower levels of the ship and make a check on the engine too." Said Oak. Ash and Brock moved out of the room.

Mark came to the secretary and said," So what am I going to do in Johto." The secretary took out a bag and handed it over to Mark,"This contains your Pokémon and some important things that you will need on this small mission. So after we drop you on the coast of Cherrygrove make your way to Goldenrod and infiltrate the radio tower , then gather every important data on the attack and the radio transmission this will help us to get a hint on Pollex's next step. This is all, start preparing."

And like this they made their way to Cherrygrove's coast.

After 1 and a half hour,

"So here is your stop, be careful." Said the secretary. "Worry more about yourself old man."Mark replied as stepping on the soil of Cherrygrove. "We'll come too." Said Ash. "No not this time because if you come there will be no one to take care of people on the boat." Mark replied.

And like this he started to make his way to Goldenrod city,"Mark remember that this is a stealth mission." Secretary shouted out to Mark.

So like this our heroes get to know that what they had to do and who actually sent the message ? And what has happened in Johto? ... Can They be successful or they'll fail to know keep reading The story of the 25111969. Ch-5,6 and 7 on 15/9/13. (Please reply)
 
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markosharko98

The name is enough..
15
Posts
10
Years
kfun.jpg
Chapter 5
Spoiler:

Chapter 6
Spoiler:

Chapter 7
Spoiler:
 
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