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  #1    
Old June 19th, 2017 (10:51 PM).
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Let me try a shot at this. It's been years since I've written properly.

Hunger

I crave for love and love alone
Hunger for it, thirst for it
An appetite I have never known
Love, where is it?

Blood spilled in my endless hunt
My own blood, flowing all over
And yet I search, taking the brunt
When will this be over?

My heart rumbles, naked
Like the waning moon, I rest
Out of breathe and out of love
I closed my eyes and wept
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  #2    
Old June 20th, 2017 (5:00 AM).
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    Nice words. I feel the emotion deeply.
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      #3    
    Old June 20th, 2017 (10:56 AM).
    Vragon
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      So basically,

      a b a b

      a b a b

      a b c d

      So a few things I noticed,

      1) Repetition
      While you do have the standard a b a b format, it was only really implemented by repeating the same word for the 'b' sections. Now this is normally something I would let slide, but you do it more than once and there isn't really length to justify it enough. What the issue I have with this is that it can either come across as a push away from the works and it's why I personally don't like repeating words in poetry. I can understand how hard it is to come up with words/phrases, but I'm sure you can find some alternatives besides repeating the same words at the lines end.

      2) The last paragraph
      This had no rhyme. It's not a problem for poems that are focused on the whole "Not Rhyming" type, but the issue is yours already has rhyming and it cuts the flow and mood rather well in a negative light. I wouldn't have minded it should it be at the beginning since there would be the rest to fix this, but being at the end leaves an bitter ending taste.

      3) These lines
      Quote:
      Blood spilled in my endless hunt
      My own blood, flowing all over
      And yet I search, taking the brunt
      When will this be over?
      Notice how you have the word 'all' in the second line of that paragraph. But it's rhyming counterpart is shorter and breaks the flow between the two. This can be fixed with either taking out the 'all' in the second line, or adding a new 'all' to the last one. I would say if you add, a good spot would 'be over'.

      Despite these errors I did get the message and understood the point. Someone wanting love and going through obstacles to find it whether it be bad relationships that hurts either the person your narrator is or the narrator itself. It also has a good conclusion of despair from failing to find it and basically being alone and vulnerable.

      This was a nice concept and a good attempt. Don't worry to hard about the issues, because problems can be fixed, but focus takes longer to fix. You have good focus on this poem, it's just the other things. In other words, You don't have good Rhyme, but you have good reason! (Heh get it)
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        #4    
      Old June 20th, 2017 (10:36 PM).
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Vragon View Post
      snip
      Thank you for the points. I'm never really one who cared about the technicalities of writing as I only wanted really to express myself. I also intended for the second and fourth lines to end with the same thing and the last stanza not having a definite rhyme scheme (in my ears, it sound like abcb) was also intended.

      Anyway, here's a new poem. (not entirely new, but whatever)

      Good Mourning

      I woke up, alone in my bed
      For the first time in a long while
      There's a pain in my arms and a ringing in my head
      And a loneliness in my heart and a tear in my smile

      I have forgotten how quiet this place was
      As your voice filled it with every passing hour
      The silence is so deafening, I often pause
      And wonder, when did sweet turned sour

      I paced the room, looking for any sign of you
      But I scrubbed it down, many times already
      Even if it was mine, it's a home I never knew
      The memories grew there, steady

      The sun is up, going on regardless
      I closed the blinds, let the curtain fall
      I lay in bed, embracing the darkness
      Good mourning, if you mourned at all.
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        #5    
      Old June 21st, 2017 (10:32 PM).
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      Something about love again.

      It's Hard

      It's hard loving someone.

      Who doesn't see the things you do
      Who doesn't appreciate your presence
      Who doesn't consider you someone worthy of their time

      Who distrusts your happiness as unreal
      Who disregards you sadness as petty
      Who discredits your anger as passing

      Who makes you bottle up all your frustrations and your anger and your sadness and your mistakes because it's not important
      Who requires you to keep track o f a lot of things but can't remember if you had something planned together already
      Who only thinks of you as an afterthought and not a constant image in their head

      Who doesn't care if you're already shaking in anger
      Who doesn't care if you're already wet with tears
      Who doesn't care if you're frustrated because you bared your heart out and all she did is roll her eyes

      Who can't even stay for one night to accompany you in your depression
      Who can't even give you one hug when you're feeling anxious
      Who can't even hold your hand just to stop the shaking

      Who doesn't understand the fact that for you to fall asleep, all you need is her arms around your neck
      Who doesn't understand that after all the pain you went through and is going through, you chose to stay
      Who doesn't understand the fact that you're hurting because you love her

      I's hard loving someone
      Who doesn't love you
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        #6    
      Old June 22nd, 2017 (8:53 AM).
      Vragon
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        I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

        I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.
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          #7    
        Old June 22nd, 2017 (6:13 PM).
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Vragon View Post
        I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

        I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.
        thing was I experienced all those from the same girl lol.

        thank you for the criticisms
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          #8    
        Old June 26th, 2017 (7:15 PM).
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        For a Loveless Heart

        Knocking on your door
        I just hear an empty house
        Forever silent
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          #9    
        Old July 2nd, 2017 (6:59 PM).
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        My Heart Is a Warzone

        There is a constant war
        In my heart, it's raging on
        Torn between a yes and no

        Torn between a yes and no
        In my heart, it cannot choose
        It cannot endure no more

        It cannot endure no more
        In my heart, the relentless pain
        Of being divided in two

        Of being divided in two
        In my heart, fatigue
        There is a constant war
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          #10    
        Old July 3rd, 2017 (9:18 PM).
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        Sadness

        Sadness is

        Not understanding a poem you wrote before
        Not knowing the words you used to sing everyday
        Not remembering a voice that made you soar
        Not recognizing a face that took your breath away

        is Sadness.
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          #11    
        Old July 3rd, 2017 (9:26 PM).
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        Solitude

        At times, I feel
        The need to get away
        From responsibilities
        From expectations
        From problems
        From everybody

        Sometimes, I feel
        The need to be alone
        With my thoughts
        With the little voice
        With my insecurities
        With my fears

        At times, I feel
        The need to be solitary
        But I can’t
        But I’m scared
        But I fear nothing
        But my darkest secrets the most
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        Old July 4th, 2017 (6:27 PM).
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        Happy Things

        They told me to write
        Of things that makes me happy
        And it made me sad to realize
        That what makes me happy
        Is writing about what makes me sad
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          #13    
        Old July 5th, 2017 (11:42 PM).
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        Time

        Time; it heals all wounds
        Time; it turns these into scars
        Time; a reminder
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        Old July 12th, 2017 (1:00 AM).
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        We are the Kids

        We never grew up the way they wanted us to be
        We never became prim and proper
        We outgrew our ideals when we were kids
        We were the strangers they warned us not to talk to

        We grew reckless
        We drove fast and passed speed limits
        We had little care for the world is our playground now
        We are the reason why we need to check both sides of the road

        We lost our ways
        We took the beaten path somewhere down the road
        We never returned and traveled further down the darkness
        We are the monsters under our bed

        We are the generation of idiots
        We seldom do the right thing and even seldom for the right reason
        We do things on a whim, on impulse, barely thinking
        We are the kids our parents told us to never become

        And yet, here we are.
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        Old July 13th, 2017 (8:05 PM).
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        As love always is

        Love. The moment of intense clarity. Sometimes teasing, sometimes real. Always fun. Always remembered. As love always is.

        Love! A sudden rise of emotions. A swelling. A crest on the wave. The ups to the downs. Confusing. As love always is.

        Love? Questions. The why it do happen. The why it didn't happen. Mystery. Answers. As love always is.

        Love; a pause. The beginning to an end. The screech before the halt. The denoument. The final wave. As love always is.

        Love. The end. Giving up. A dead end. As love always is.

        Love. No more. As love always is.
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        Old July 14th, 2017 (12:12 AM).
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        She

        She is the love I found
        Amidst the darkness abound
        But I was not the love she found
        My love, I crashed aground
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          #17    
        Old July 18th, 2017 (11:07 PM).
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        To Love is to be Constantly Hurt

        To love
        Is to be constantly hurt
        By words and actions you never thought would hurt you

        To love
        Is to be constantly hurt
        Seeing another person happy without you

        To love
        Is to be constantly hurt
        Feeling empty arms hug you when you need one the most

        To love
        Is to be constantly hurt
        Realizing you love the pain more than the emptiness
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          #18    
        Old July 23rd, 2017 (10:58 PM).
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        You Hear it Best

        You can hear it best
        In silence
        When no sound pervades
        And all you can hear is
        Your heart thumping
        Your blood flowing
        Through the veins and your body
        Giving you life
        Reborn anew

        You can hear it best
        In silence
        When no sound pervades
        All all you can hear is
        The wind whistling
        The leaves swaying
        Bending to the breeze's whim
        Surrendering to the power
        Tyranny of good men

        You can hear it best
        In silence
        When no sound pervades
        And all you can hear is
        The creaking of the house
        The footsteps in your mind
        Filling your mind with irrational fear
        Scared of the unknown

        You can hear it best
        In silence
        When no sound pervades
        Love.
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