[Pokémon] A Smell of Petroleum Pervades Throughout

Given that your previous ideas included trying to engage the monster in
intelligent conversation, this is almost certainly the best idea you've had all
day.

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Anyway, cartoon logic states that the only food that can properly blind someone is the cake, so throw that then attempt to catch it.

If the cake fails throw the Hambone, and after the pokeball is thrown and it is trying to escape hold it together in your hands to prevent the Formerly-Unseen-But-Now-All-Too-Visible Thing from breaking out.

Check pokedex to find out the weaknesses of the thing. They have those in there, right?
Prepare the television for battle.

> Check pokedex to find out the weaknesses of the thing. They have those in there, right?
Prepare the television for battle.
> Anyway, cartoon logic states that the only food that can properly blind someone is the cake, so throw that then attempt to catch it.
> If the cake fails throw the Hambone, and after the pokeball is thrown and it is trying to escape hold it together in your hands to prevent the Formerly-Unseen-But-Now-All-Too-Visible Thing from breaking out.

As the beast bursts through the wreckage of the chair, you duck down behind the kitchen counter and flip open the Pokédex, praying that you stay hidden long enough to find out some way of stopping it. You scroll from Chikorita all the way down to Dragonite, but to your consternation, you see nothing new: despite the beeping, the Pokédex doesn't appear to have updated at all. Christ, why did the Narrator have to draw attention to that? It isn't fair, he's made you waste time while the monster gets closer, and now it's probably going to eat you—

You have an idea.

Slowly, stealthily, you rise to your feet, peering up over the counter, trying to see where the beast is. It hasn't moved from the door; its head swings from side to side, perhaps trying to scent you, but the rest of its body is entirely, unnaturally still.

You shiver. This thing creeps the hell out of you.

You really, really hope this next part works.

Reaching quietly into your Bag, you draw out the Birthday Cake and heft it one-handed. It's a weighty affair in pink marchpane, cursive script spelling out an unknown name across its face and delicate curls of cream rounding out the edges. It seems almost a shame to throw it, but you need a diversion if you're going to get anywhere near to catching this thing.

You take a moment to think up your one-liner, then straighten up.

"Happy birthday," you say coldly, and hurl the cake.

You're no stranger to throwing – all those Poké Balls do wonders for the aim – and it flies straight and true, smacking the fishy abomination right in the face. It roars, ear-splitting in the confined space, and for a moment you almost chicken out, close to ducking back into cover and whimpering like a baby—

But you're a Trainer, you're the guy who screws around with dragons just because, and you vault the counter, sprinting to the TV, and kick the side of it as hard as you can. Blinded by fury and sweet, sweet cake, the monster lunges, jagged jaws lancing through the air towards the noise of cracking plastic—

—and plunges its face through the TV screen.

There is a terrible unearthly shriek.

There is a terrible unearthly silence.

And there is a godawful smell of burnt fish.

When you finally emerge from the foetal position – which you totally assumed to protect yourself from potential flying debris, and not because you were scared out of your pathetic little mind – the monster is lying, cake-bespattered and smoking gently, next to the sparking wreckage of the TV.

Aw, yeah. You are, you realise, possibly the most awesome person in the history of the world.

Like, ever.

In fact, you're halfway through composing an epic ballad in celebration of your worth when you notice the monster's claws have started twitching again, and decide you'd really probably better chuck a Ball at it now. It vanishes in a burst of light, and, deciding that you really don't want to risk this thing breaking out again, you hold the two halves of the Ball together while it shakes. Given that it's currently somewhat fried, the monster doesn't make much of an attempt to resist, and moments later you're holding in your hands what is surely the most kick-ass monster you've ever captured.

Gotcha! The wild Totodile was caught!

Give a nickname to the captured Totodile?

Wait.

Wait just a damn minute.

Totodile?

Totodile, huh? There's only one explination: ZOOOMMBIIIEEEEES. That or Team Rocket. Probably zombies.

Releasing and examining 'Totodile' is probably not the best of ideas. Do it anyway.

> Totodile, huh? There's only one explination: ZOOOMMBIIIEEEEES. That or Team Rocket. Probably zombies.

To be honest, you have no idea what's going on. Some futile sense of nationalism says you ought to blame the Rockets, but really, given their decidedly lacklustre attempts to conquer the Kanto/Johto area, they couldn't criminal their way out of a paper bag. If you're going to assign blame based on past exploits, your money's on the Aquas or Magmas. I mean, they're the only ones who've ever actually managed to summon Ancient Evils and set them loose.

Freakin' hippies.

> Releasing and examining 'Totodile' is probably not the best of ideas. Do it anyway.

You nickname Totodile 'That Thing', since that's what you've been calling it so far and it seems to have been doing just fine. Then you set your Pokémon Training skills to the problem of what the hell is happening here.

First up, you pop open the Pokédex and have a look at the entry for 'Totodile', since it was beeping earlier – and yes, as you suspected, it's registered a new form. You see a little picture of That Thing, towering over that of its more familiar little blue variant.

This form appears to have a name.

It is called Eldritch Form.

You swallow. 'Eldritch' is not a comforting sort of word. In fact, when there are beasts that defy the laws of nature slithering around, 'eldritch' is probably the last thing you want them to be described as.

Well. That, and 'titanic'.

The Pokédex also cheerfully reminds you that 'it won't hesitate to take a bite out of anything that moves.'

Gee, thanks for that, Oak.

You look around for a while – at the smashed TV, at the broken door, at the wrecked chair. That Thing has caused about $3000 worth of property damage since it turned up; you're actually kind of glad Mom isn't here, or she'd be chewing you out something fierce.

You take a look at That Thing's Poké Ball. In a process that's either a manifestation of pure evil or just the Narrator screwing with you, the Eldritch Form Totodile appears to be corroding the Poké Ball from the inside, bits of metal and plastic flaking away to reveal spots of oozing black oil. You don't know how long this thing is going to stay captured, but you're pretty sure it isn't going to be more than a couple of hours.

Man, you wish you hadn't wasted your Master Ball on that Skarmory. You wouldn't have done it normally, you really wouldn't. But you know how it is: you're out on Mt. Silver, it's getting late, you can't be bothered to go through that whole lengthy battle process... Screw it, you thought, and lobbed it at him. I mean, it's not like you were ever going to need a Ball that good for anything anyway.

All the self-esteem you gained from that capture is draining away rapidly. You are, you realise unhappily, a Grade A moron.

Well, it looks like you've run out of ways to put this off.

You toss down the ball and step back hurriedly, wiping unrefined oil on your jeans. There's a burst of greasy black light, and That Thing appears. Thankfully, it's still unconscious. Although it's supposed to obey you (you do have all eight Gym Badges) you really don't think That Thing has much respect for the institutions of the League.

And you really don't want to have your face eaten by an eight-foot-long demon crocodile.

Or by anything, really.

You hunker down next to That Thing and have a look. Looks like he's male, Level 5, and dear Lord look at those stats.

125 Attack?

113 Hit Points?

98 Speed?

Oh my God. You are so lucky this guy is only Level 5. If he'd even been Level 10, he would probably have killed you so badly you're not sure you would ever have been born.

That Thing is also holding an Item: Your Right Shoe. Apparently it boosts Speed slightly.

That Thing's moves are:

Scratch (Physical, Normal, 40 Att., 100 Acc.)
Leer (Status, Normal, 100 Acc.)
Face Chomp (Physical, Abominable, 123 Att., 87.5 Acc.)

You blink. OK. So that's pretty weird.

You are really, really glad he never managed to get his teeth into your face.

Be content in your victory and swagger out of the house. SWAGGER.
Observe the outside.

Well, now we know what That Thing is, we should bring it to a seasoned professor for more research, and then, in the ancient practice of pokemon training, go kill other people's pets with it.

> Be content in your victory and swagger out of the house. SWAGGER.
Observe the outside.

You know what? Screw the Master Ball thing. Screw the fact that That Thing is probably only going to remain in your possession for a few short hours. Screw your mistakes – you just caught an Eldritch freaking Totodile, and without any Pokémon at that. You'd like to see Lance do that, the smug git... Oh yeah, give him his Dragonite and he'd wipe pretty much anything off the face of the earth, but take it away and he'd be all like "Oh no, don't eat my face!" and That Thing would be like "raaahhhr" and it would totally be about to eat his face when you swept in and saved the day by ramming a television through its head.

You may wish to investigate the cause of these sudden mood swings. They're coming along with alarming rapidity.

Still, secure in the knowledge that you're Officially Awesome, you recall That Thing and swagger out of the house, casting a quick glance around the town. New Bark seems pretty much deserted; the few people who persistently hang around outside have vanished, and there's none of the usual noise emanating from Elm's lab.

To the south are two houses.

To the east is Elm's Pokémon Lab.

To the west is the open sea.

There is a signpost here.

> Well, now we know what That Thing is, we should bring it to a seasoned professor for more research, and then, in the ancient practice of pokemon training, go kill other people's pets with it.

To the lab, then! If anyone knows what the hell happened to make a (relatively) cute little Totodile into That Thing, Elm will. He's the expert around these parts, although Oak has a bad habit of coming in and stealing his thunder at times. You shake your head as you set off for the lab. Poor guy. Oak came in and stole his introductory speech to you, and then he gave you a Pokédex when Elm was just about to do so himself. Elm never says anything about it, but something gives you a feeling that he hasn't forgiven him. The dartboard with Oak's photo over the bullseye probably has something to do with it.

Elm's lab looks much like the two houses to the south, only slightly broader and with two squat chimneys – chimneys that, you recall, don't actually seem to connect to anything inside the building. The door is ajar, and the lab, like the rest of the town, is absolutely silent.

You frown. Perhaps Elm isn't there after all. There might be some clue as to where he went, though – and you remember that there's a PC there, too, where you could heal That Thing (should you be so inclined) and access the Box network.

But still... that silence. It spooks you, man.

You wish you had Voltz with you. A hug from that guy always cheers you up.

Right now, though, you have only That Thing, and he's possibly the only thing you can think of less cuddly than an angry Gyarados. On that discomfiting thought, you gather your courage and creep into the lab.

The line of bookcases stretches across the space, just as before; the storage unit where he keeps the starter Pokémon is there, just as before; the desks, the computers – all of it is there, just as it was before. Everything is completely normal.

Except without any people.

To the north are Elm's desks, with assorted items scattered on them, and the PC with its attached healing machine.

To the east and west are bookcases.

To the south is the exit to New Bark Town's main street.

There may be fewer or no updates over the next four days. I ain't abandoning anything, but I'm going to have precious few chances to write. I'll do my best to keep up, but whether I manage to write anything or not, I'll be back on Friday at the latest. Thanks for playing!

Check the proffesor's storge unit. This is probably where That Thing came from,so there might be an Eldritch Cyndaquil and Chikorita for That Thing to beat the puss out of, which may lead to bonding and a less evil eldritch abomination.

Loot the Professor's desk, look for something to hold That Thing's pokeball shut. Check the bookcases for information on Eldritch form pokemon. You should probably go back and loot the other houses too.

> Check the proffesor's storge unit. This is probably where That Thing came from,so there might be an Eldritch Cyndaquil and Chikorita for That Thing to beat the puss out of, which may lead to bonding and a less evil eldritch abomination.

Unless you two discover a mutual interest in eating faces, you're not sure anything short of superglue will ever bond you to That Thing, but you're willing to give it a shot. After all, in an ideal world That Thing would be your loyal servant, and you two would travel Johto, having adventures and chewing on bad guys. And he would be the son you never had, and there would be a heartwarming end to the series when you were in mortal danger, and he would conclusively prove he had changed by saving you from certain death at terrible risk to himself...

You snap out of your dream of TV stardom and examine the storage unit. It consists of two roughly circular white plastic segments, connected by a thick tube of bulletproof glass. This glass has been smashed from the inside by something considerably stronger than a bullet.

Of the Poké Balls within, there is no sign.

> Loot the Professor's desk, look for something to hold That Thing's pokeball shut. Check the bookcases for information on Eldritch form pokemon. You should probably go back and loot the other houses too.

You've always wanted all the Professor's awesome stuff, and now you finally have a chance. You are going to loot the hell out of this place, and if anyone asks it was the monsters that did it.

On the desk is a peculiar contraption that looks like a tiny radar dish with some kind of attached plug; a page from a notebook with writing on it; a half-drunk cup of coffee; a key with a Sentret key fob; and a shard of Togepi egg.

Othodox found one Long-Range Scanner Attachment! Othdox put the Long-Range Scanner Attachment in the Technological Gubbins Pocket.

Othodox found one Mysterious Note! Othodox put the Mysterious Note in the Key Items Pocket.

Othodox found one Half a Cup of Cold Coffee! Othodox put the Half a Cup of Cold Coffee in the Caffeinated Drinks Pocket.

Othodox found one Elm's Key! Othodox put the Elm's Key in the Key Pocket.

Othodox found one Togepi Egg Shard! Othodox put the Togepi Egg Shard in the Bits o' Egg Pocket.

Satisfied with your haul, you turn your attention to the bookcases. Huh. You'd always thought they were just painted on as part of the background scenery, but apparently those books are real. You take a look at the spines – The Oak Method, Trainership Theory 101, Totodile: Avoiding the Jaws – but there's nothing there that looks like it deals with the possibility of Pokémon suddenly turning into giant evil versions of themselves.

Actually, the Totodile book looks like it might be kind of useful.

Othodox found one Totodile: Avoiding the Jaws! Othodox put the Totodile: Avoiding the Jaws in the Pokémon Guidebooks Pocket.

You may wish to consider your haul before heading out to loot the other houses.

Story time! Lets read the book!

Read "Mysterious Note" and check your inventory.

Let Totodile out and attempt to become best friends with him, and if that doesn't work throw the book at him!

> Story time! Lets read the book!

You pull out your Totodile: Avoiding the Jaws and flick through the pages. Aside from a huge number of highly graphic images of people with Totodile clamped onto various limbs, there's not a whole lot else to see. There is a small chunk of text which outlines various articles of protective clothing that will go a long way to helping 'your over-enthusiastic little friend', but since That Thing can bite through doors and eats people more from his Endless Fount of Rage than enthusiasm, you're not sure how much help it will be. Still, if you ever see any of the gear mentioned here, you'll be sure to pick it up.

> Read "Mysterious Note" and check your inventory.

The Note appears to be from someone named Hawkins, and it looks like it was meant for Elm. It reads:

Elm,

You weren't in, so I left the Long-Range Scanner Attachment you were after - the one from Bill - with your aide. It's a bit power-hungry, so be careful if you do decide to mount it – once active, it's going to drain the batteries within an hour or two.

Hawkins

An experimental device from Bill? Interesting. This might prove useful, if you can work out what it's meant to do.

Inventory:
Bloodstained Mail x1
Potion x2
Lava Cookie x6
Poké Ball x1
Hyper Potion x2
Miracle Seed x1
Shiny Stone x1
Hambone x1
Long-Range Scanner Attachment x1
Mysterious Note x1
Half a Cup of Cold Coffee x1
Elm's Key x1
Togepi Egg Shard x1

> Let Totodile out and attempt to become best friends with him, and if that doesn't work throw the book at him!

You let That Thing out, and note that he seems to have regained consciousness, though he doesn't look like he feels up to moving around. Even when he sees you, he makes only a half-hearted snap in the direction of your face. That electric shock must have hurt him pretty badly.

"Thing," you say soothingly, sitting down next to him. "It's time we had a chat."

That Thing watches you carefully.

"We got off on the wrong foot," you say. "You broke down my door and stole my shoe, I threw a cake at you and stuck your head in a TV. It's been a difficult relationship."

That Thing's gaze does not waver, and you think maybe – just maybe – you might be getting through to him.

"I know we've had our differences," you tell him. "I know things haven't been easy. But... for the sake of finding out what's wrong here... Can't we just go back to the start, and try this again?"

That Thing stares at you with something approaching love in his eyes, and you open your arms to embrace him, and he moves towards you, nuzzling your cheek affectionately—

—no, wait, he's just trying to eat your face.

Damn it!

You whack him with the book, pushing him away, and then recall him. Stupid crocodile.

now that we know That Thing's a jerk through and through, focus on your next task; looting the rest of the houses!

After looting the houses, look for a Pokemon center, maybe you can use their machine to heal it!