Why do people cheat?

Natzen · Aug 24, 2016

Is there any justifiable reason to cheat on somebody as opposed to just breaking up with them or sorting out whatever issue you have with them?

As someone who was just cheated on after being in a "devoted" relationship with this person for years, I can't for the life of me find out why somebody who you care for so much and do everything for could do something so hurtful.

Have you been cheated on before?
Did you ever get over it, if you did.. how long did it take before the pain subsided?
Did anything alleviate the pain and/or SEVERE depression you felt?

Kanzler · Aug 25, 2016

Well, probably not. Cheating by definition is unconsensual. You did something that the other person stipulated specifically not to do within the confines of the relationship. Now if you cheated on them in order to save their life or something, then that's when another factor would trump the blatant breach of trust. But I imagine it's only justifiable if there is such a reason that would be even more important than breaching trust.

Desert Stream~ · Aug 25, 2016

Oh cheating as in dating? I thought it was like cheating in video games :p

But anyways, I've never dated so I wouldn't know.
I don't see a real reason for it.

Esper · Aug 25, 2016

Kanzler said:
Well, probably not. Cheating by definition is unconsensual. You did something that the other person stipulated specifically not to do within the confines of the relationship. Now if you cheated on them in order to save their life or something, then that's when another factor would trump the blatant breach of trust. But I imagine it's only justifiable if there is such a reason that would be even more important than breaching trust.

But trust isn't so black and white. What if the people in a relationship haven't discussed issues of trust/commitment/etc. and have left some of that unspoken? If you haven't got a "rule" against "cheating" (which could mean a number of things to different people) then how is one to know what is acceptable and what's not? I'm not saying necessarily that someone might say "hey, I didn't know you didn't want me to have sex with my ex" but I'm not excluding that possibility. A lot comes down to each person's values and experiences.

But on the issue of when it's justified, I don't think there are two discreet categories of justifiable and unjustifiable. It's not black and white. People have all kinds of relationships. Like, ALL KINDS. The level of seriousness, the length of time you've been together, your personality types, and stuff like that mean that probably two people in a relationship are unique among all relationships so how much they trust and commit are going to vary. It's one thing if two people are raised in a traditional way, follow the same religion, are married and have been together for years. You might expect they would have similar ideas of what is acceptable so that when one person feels betrayed the other would reasonably know their actions would be seen in that way. But what if one of them found out they were gay? What if one of the fell out of love years ago? What if what if what if? Feeling betrayed is really a matter of expectations. You trust someone so you expect them to act a certain way and if they don't then you feel betrayed. But rather than use the term "justifiable" maybe "understandable" is better since people are going to have all kinds of reasons and lots of people who "cheat" are not doing anything dangerous or illegal.

Kanzler · Aug 25, 2016

Esper said:
But trust isn't so black and white. What if the people in a relationship haven't discussed issues of trust/commitment/etc. and have left some of that unspoken? If you haven't got a "rule" against "cheating" (which could mean a number of things to different people) then how is one to know what is acceptable and what's not? I'm not saying necessarily that someone might say "hey, I didn't know you didn't want me to have sex with my ex" but I'm not excluding that possibility. A lot comes down to each person's values and experiences.

But on the issue of when it's justified, I don't think there are two discreet categories of justifiable and unjustifiable. It's not black and white. People have all kinds of relationships. Like, ALL KINDS. The level of seriousness, the length of time you've been together, your personality types, and stuff like that mean that probably two people in a relationship are unique among all relationships so how much they trust and commit are going to vary. It's one thing if two people are raised in a traditional way, follow the same religion, are married and have been together for years. You might expect they would have similar ideas of what is acceptable so that when one person feels betrayed the other would reasonably know their actions would be seen in that way. But what if one of them found out they were gay? What if one of the fell out of love years ago? What if what if what if? Feeling betrayed is really a matter of expectations. You trust someone so you expect them to act a certain way and if they don't then you feel betrayed. But rather than use the term "justifiable" maybe "understandable" is better since people are going to have all kinds of reasons and lots of people who "cheat" are not doing anything dangerous or illegal.

While the rules differ from relationship to relationship, the concept of cheating has to do with breaking exclusivity of some sort - which implies a breach of trust. If trust is broken, then there must have been some kind of assumption or explicit agreement that was involved. The details might vary, but I don't think there's any question about what the core concept means.

"Justifiable" has to do with right and wrong, "understandable" sidesteps that issue, so I don't think "understandable" is a better substitute if OP specifically wants to ask about the morality of cheating. Like, it can be understandable why I'd steal cookies from my roommate's cookie jar when he's not looking, but it's not justifiable (unless I was really hungry and there wasn't anything else to eat).

I don't think it's possible (or at least makes any sense conceptually) to cheat on somebody with their consent, so for me it's wrong unless there's some greater reason that trumps the other person's consent. Obviously, that isn't a hard-and-fast criteria, but at least it's a rational way of thinking about it.

Esper · Aug 26, 2016

Kanzler said:
"Justifiable" has to do with right and wrong, "understandable" sidesteps that issue, so I don't think "understandable" is a better substitute if OP specifically wants to ask about the morality of cheating. Like, it can be understandable why I'd steal cookies from my roommate's cookie jar when he's not looking, but it's not justifiable (unless I was really hungry and there wasn't anything else to eat).

I mean, if we want to go with the definition of cheating as breaking a rule of exclusivity then I don't think there's much point in having a discussion. It's like, "when is it acceptable to break a law?" Under extreme circumstances or when it's warranted. But at least with laws they're complex and there are many of them covering lots of things. Not so much with exclusivity "rules" in relationships. Doesn't seem like there's much else to say. People don't often cheat because someone's life is at stake or anything drastic like that.

I find the idea of talking about how people have different ideas of what they constitute as "cheating" more interesting. Because I think rather than just shaming people for cheating (which, you know, if it's something affecting you personally then that's your deal) it's interesting to talk about why people cheat, whether it's because they're completely cold-hearted and selfish or because of miscommunication or something else. That's why I think "understandable" is a good term. Like, whether something is justifiable is going to depend on the persons involved, but one can still understand (or not) why someone cheats independently of whether they personally feel it's justifiable, warranted, forgivable, etc.

Xertified · Aug 26, 2016

Sadly, I think so. Cheating is a way to escape abuses of your BF/GF think about it! But if you are talking about cheating on games, tests, etc. What do you think you are? We all are humans and probably aliens are looking for us to gain a much better technology and lifestyle but if we all just cheat on our tests, what do you think life is? Life is about learning and understanding information. If you don't appreciate life and just cheat off it, I'm glad I met an alien. Life is nothing without obstacles, cheating off life is bad but cheating off to your BF/GF is good if you want to escape abuses. I am glad that I am a human being that has life with obstacles, without these obstacles, again, life would be empty. I am pleased if you understand my point.

Kanzler · Aug 26, 2016

Esper said:
I mean, if we want to go with the definition of cheating as breaking a rule of exclusivity then I don't think there's much point in having a discussion. It's like, "when is it acceptable to break a law?" Under extreme circumstances or when it's warranted. But at least with laws they're complex and there are many of them covering lots of things. Not so much with exclusivity "rules" in relationships. Doesn't seem like there's much else to say. People don't often cheat because someone's life is at stake or anything drastic like that.

Well, for the sake of the discussion, that's simply my position on cheating - that it's rarely justifiable when you could tap out of the relationship.

Esper said:
I find the idea of talking about how people have different ideas of what they constitute as "cheating" more interesting. Because I think rather than just shaming people for cheating (which, you know, if it's something affecting you personally then that's your deal)

I don't think talking about the rightness/wrongness of cheating necessarily shames people, or even puts them under a spotlight. If we were talking about the rightness/wrongness of a criminal/so far non-criminal act (like texting while driving), we aren't necessarily shaming the people who do or don't do that act.

Esper said:
it's interesting to talk about why people cheat, whether it's because they're completely cold-hearted and selfish or because of miscommunication or something else. That's why I think "understandable" is a good term. Like, whether something is justifiable is going to depend on the persons involved, but one can still understand (or not) why someone cheats independently of whether they personally feel it's justifiable, warranted, forgivable, etc.

On the other hand, nearly all of human interaction can be "understandable" so it's too low of a bar. I think we would be hard-pressed to think of an example of cheating that is truly not understandable.

How could you cheat by miscommunication?

Brolaire · Aug 27, 2016

I've personally never been cheated on, but I have had two people try to cheat on their bf with me.
The first time, I was single and a girl I had known for a couple months came up to me at a party and was all over me. However I knew from talking to her that she had a (seemingly) good relationship with her boyfriend so I pushed her away and wound up leaving shortly after. I didn't feel good about any of it and I later found out she hooked up with a different guy that night. In her case, it's really hard to tell what she wanted but she broke up with her boyfriend pretty shortly after that. Maybe she just wanted to end it with a bang? I have no idea and can't claim to know.
The second time, I was in a relationship with my current gf and a girl I was friends with (who was also in a relationship) asked me if I wanted to break things off and start dating her because we would were a good fit for each other. It was a really weird moment and if neither of us had been in a relationship I probably would have said yes! But I was and again it felt like the wrong thing to do, so I said no. In her case, again it's hard to tell but I think she wasn't happy in her relationship.
I also have some experience seeing cheating occur in my family and it was also based on unhappiness in the relationship. It's interesting to talk about why people might do what they do, but a relationship by it's very nature is exclusive. I don't want to shame people about it, because everyone makes all kinds of mistakes in their life, but all the talk about motivations for cheating sounds more like making excuses for a mistake than owning up to it. Unless it's an open relationship, in which cheating is hard to picture. I'm not familiar with open relationships at all but if it's agreed to at the start that seeing other people is alright, it's difficult to imagine someone actually cheating.

Somewhere_ · Aug 27, 2016

High time-preference rate. Rather than trying to sustain a long-term relationship, they let short-term emotions and wants take over. They break the social contract of a relationship for the sake of selfishness.

Esper · Aug 28, 2016

Kanzler said:
How could you cheat by miscommunication?

Someone I know has been in open relationships, but they have rules about how/when they can have sex with other people. Like, a set of things you have to do such as telling the person clearly what you're planning with some third person. Miscommunication can happen there, from what I've heard.

Not the most common situation, I'll grant. Maybe I'm just overthinking it.

EmperorFlux · Aug 28, 2016

People cheat to get perks and benefits... Just like in games... It is best for you to find someone that likes you for both personality and looks.
If you focus on just one point of interest such as looks, it most likely will not work, cheating will happen, and other unneeded drama.

NathanW · Aug 31, 2016

Spoiler:

pastelspectre · Sep 3, 2016

Have you been cheated on before? Sadly, yes. It sucks.
Did you ever get over it, if you did.. how long did it take before the pain subsided? Yes, I did get over it but I'm still mad at the person who did it. He is scum. It took awhile to be honest.
Did anything alleviate the pain and/or SEVERE depression you felt? My friend especially helped by telling me funny jokes and giving me food.

All in all, cheating is not ok and just makes the person feel like shit because they feel like they're not good enough. So never do it. If you do, you're scum. :^)

Imafroggy · Sep 15, 2016

Cheating is irresponsible and should never happen and there is no excuse for it.

HOWEVER do not blame others for the lack of restraint or control of their urges. Men and women get urges (you know the ones ;)) A lot of the time, their significant other does not satisfy their needs and as a result they cheat.
Is it shady and scummy? Yes.
It's the main reason why I am single. I know I don't have (or don't want to have) self-control. I don't want to be tied down! That's why if you're not in a relationship for the long haul, don't be in a relationship period.

Open relationship =/= cheating
talking to someone =/= cheating

unless you're in a RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE/ENGAGEMENT you're NOT cheating.
thank you.

Altaria · Sep 16, 2016

Cheating is unnecessary and disgusting. If you are unhappy in a relationship for ANY reason -- Partner doesn't satisfy you sexually, doesn't give you what you need emotionally, etc -- LEAVE. It may be rough but in the long run it's so much better to just go. You're not sparing their feelings by cheating on them. EVENTUALLY they'll find out and it will change everything. If you don't have the self control or basic respect for your partner to give your loyalty to them, don't bother getting into a monogamous relationship. You'll literally only be wasting the time of both you and the other person. They deserve to find someone who can give them what they need.

Cheating makes people feel like s***. Obviously there are exceptions; Relationships that didn't last that long, etc. But in a committed, long-term relationship, cheating can really make your world fall apart. It's never really justifiable, hurting someone like that because of your own selfish desires. *shrug* You rip away someone's confidence, security. You make it hard for them to ever let someone in the way they let you in. You make it hard for them to learn to trust again because what if the next person does the same things to them that you did? What if, once again, someone will feel they're not enough and go so low as to CHEAT on them the way you did? (Yes, everyone goes through cheating differently. Some people move on easily, but most the time this is not the case.)

Why do people cheat? Because they choose to. There is not a magical force that causes you to cheat beyond your will. Cheating is not a 'mistake'; You make a conscious decision to put the desires of yourself above the feelings, security, and trust of your partner. Period. Excuses make you look like a bigger asshole than you already are. There are many reasons people cheat but none of them are okay.

"My GF/BF abuses me!" Then leave.

"My GF/BF doesn't give me what I need sexually!" Then leave.

"My GF/BF never has time for me anymore!" THEN LEAVE.

Imafroggy · Sep 16, 2016

Altaria said:
Cheating is unnecessary and disgusting. If you are unhappy in a relationship for ANY reason -- Partner doesn't satisfy you sexually, doesn't give you what you need emotionally, etc -- LEAVE. It may be rough but in the long run it's so much better to just go. You're not sparing their feelings by cheating on them. EVENTUALLY they'll find out and it will change everything. If you don't have the self control or basic respect for your partner to give your loyalty to them, don't bother getting into a monogamous relationship. You'll literally only be wasting the time of both you and the other person. They deserve to find someone who can give them what they need.

Cheating makes people feel like s***. Obviously there are exceptions; Relationships that didn't last that long, etc. But in a committed, long-term relationship, cheating can really make your world fall apart. It's never really justifiable, hurting someone like that because of your own selfish desires. *shrug* You rip away someone's confidence, security. You make it hard for them to ever let someone in the way they let you in. You make it hard for them to learn to trust again because what if the next person does the same things to them that you did? What if, once again, someone will feel they're not enough and go so low as to CHEAT on them the way you did? (Yes, everyone goes through cheating differently. Some people move on easily, but most the time this is not the case.)

Why do people cheat? Because they choose to. There is not a magical force that causes you to cheat beyond your will. Cheating is not a 'mistake'; You make a conscious decision to put the desires of yourself above the feelings, security, and trust of your partner. Period. Excuses make you look like a bigger asshole than you already are. There are many reasons people cheat but none of them are okay.

"My GF/BF abuses me!" Then leave.

"My GF/BF doesn't give me what I need sexually!" Then leave.

"My GF/BF never has time for me anymore!" THEN LEAVE.

How many relationships have you been in?
The "My GF/BF abuses me!" thing and "...never has time for me anymore!"
isn't that easy. I know people that have been in situations where leaving was the solution but it wasn't easy for them. Abusive or deteriorating relationships are hard to leave for some. Low self-esteem and stuff makes people want to stay.
There isn't a magical force that ties people down or that makes them cheat but not a lot of people are in control of their urges and with that, they make stupid and scummy decisions.

Altaria · Sep 16, 2016

Imafroggy said:
How many relationships have you been in?
The "My GF/BF abuses me!" thing and "...never has time for me anymore!"
isn't that easy. I know people that have been in situations where leaving was the solution but it wasn't easy for them. Abusive or deteriorating relationships are hard to leave for some. Low self-esteem and stuff makes people want to stay.
There isn't a magical force that ties people down or that makes them cheat but not a lot of people are in control of their urges and with that, they make stupid and scummy decisions.

Oh, I completely understand that. I was just saying there's no excuse for cheating. It is a scummy decision and if you aren't in control of your urges you probably shouldn't be so selfish as to get in a relationship that isn't open. I'm sure there are exceptions when someone is actually being abused or has things tying them down them down to a faulty relationship, but it isn't really a super common reason for cheating..so that argument still doesn't hold up very well. When it is the case, I can see how it's a viable excuse, but they should still get out of that relationship as soon as they physically and mentally can without putting themselves in danger.

Mantic0re · Oct 8, 2016

'cause ppl became spoiled

Enpatsu Shakugan · Apr 29, 2018

I've actually had some interesting conversations with a guy (my boss) recently on this topic.

He has a steady girlfriend, in fact, multiple. And he's constantly on the lookout for girls who catch his eyes.

Even though he spends time with his girlfriends, likes them, has sex with them, etc, he confessed to me that he's never once in his life ever been 'in love'.

And when I asked him why he thinks it's okay to willy-nilly cheat on his girlfriends the way he does, his answer was perplexing, whether I agree with it or not.

He justifies it to himself one of two ways:
1. They're doing it too, or deep down know it's already happening.
This comes across as a very weak justification to me, like he's trying to convince himself.

2. Why upset the status quo when it's not hurting anyone?
What he's basically saying here is that it's better for them to live in ignorant bliss rather than know he's out there screwing other women and ruining what they do have.

This at least makes some sense, but it's very disrespectful to the partner in my eyes, and directly contradicts his first point.

Like, if it's not obvious, I don't share the same sentiment, but if you wanted insight on someone who actually does willingly cheat in relationships, there you go.

I think he views relationships more as just fun outings, dates, sex, hanging out, without really wanting the deeper attachment that others look for.

I can't say how the girls view it. Whether they really do love him seriously or also view him as a fling, I don't know. He probably wouldn't care either way.

Why do people cheat?

More options

Natzen

Creator of Pokémon: Sanguine

Kanzler

Desert Stream~

Holy Kipper!

Esper

Kanzler

Esper

Xertified

Shtposting is my life.

Kanzler

Brolaire

Somewhere_

i don't know where

Esper

EmperorFlux

Banned

NathanW

pastelspectre

Memento Mori★

Imafroggy

King

Altaria

Imafroggy

King

Altaria

Mantic0re

Enpatsu Shakugan