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an illegible mess.

i'll make tiny changes to earth.

Male
buffalo, ny.
Seen 3 Days Ago
Posted 3 Days Ago
515 posts
8.2 Years
so, at first i wasn't sure if i wanted to make a thread like this, because it's very emotional for a number of reasons and i also felt it might be similar to the dear anonymous threads. but... i felt it was just too important to not make.

what's something you wish you could have said to a person you knew who has passed away? it could be anyone; a family member or friend, even a singer/actor/celebrity that you looked up to or idolized. it can be angry, emotional, funny or depressing, as long as a letter or shorter than a paragraph. it can be to someone you wish not to name, or you can actually address it to the person. whatever you want.

i'd like to start...

dear scott hutchison (lead singer of the band frightened rabbit),
(this has all been copy pasted from my instagram account from two separate posts so bare with me)

you saved my life. literally.
i don't think i'd be here were it not for you. i wish you were still alive so i could tell you all this or write you a personal letter. maybe everything i said could have made some sort of difference in your final decision. your music means so much to me, and has meant everything since i first saw you perform in that summer of 2011. i came there to see ben gibbard perform, and found you instead. that concert made me cry. that concert left me astounded. you were so full of life. so happy and excitable when you played your music. you were just getting big; this was your first tour in america. you were psyducking OWNING it, man. you weren't afraid, you just went at it. you succeeded. you developed such a following from playing with ben... you were unstoppable.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry that you went through all the trauma that you did. i'm so sorry you were hurting so bad you fell victim to your addictions. i know how it is. i'm in that situation now. sometimes i don't think there's a light out of this, but then i turn to you and feel better. you give me so much strength. i want to make you proud. i know you would hate to see one of your fans give up and make the same stupid mistake that you did. had you survived, i think you would have sought help. had you changed your mind, i think you would be in a better spot. but things didn't work out that way. i'm not blaming you though, you tried your psyducking damnest. i just hope wherever you are now, you're smiling like you were when i first saw you that night. i hope you're finally at peace, finally feeling better, finally free and floating.
you were right when you said you would make tiny changes. maybe you never saw it while you were alive, but you changed so many people's lives, including my own. i never would have stopped myself from suicide that night i went to the psych ward. i never would have gotten through those difficult couple of days. it was your final album that gave me a helping hand. thank you, scott. i can never repay you and it kills me. but i hope maybe this will somehow get to you, and you'll read it and it'll be enough. i think it will.
...
i miss you so psyducking much. if i could trade places with you, i would. i miss your voice, your songwriting, your smile, your laugh. this may seem weird to other people because i never actually met you... but i feel as close to you as any good friend. they don't know exactly how i feel about you and the impact you left me. god i just psyducking wish it was someone else, anyone else, that they had pulled the body of out of the river that day. i would give anything to see you perform again. i cry just thinking about you. you were in so much pain. i wish someone would have stopped you, i wish someone would have cared enough. i wish it was me that was the last person that saw you on the bridge as you were making your final decision. your death reminds me of my friend's, and it hurts so bad. i want the best for you. i want you to be happy. i hope so psyducking bad that you're happy. you deserve it more than anything else.

dear caleb,
i didn't know you that well, but i miss you. i hate halloween now. it used to be my favorite holiday, but ever since that day, it's never been the same. you sat by me in english class and would pass me cryptic notes that made me confused but also made me laugh. i used to hate working with you in creative writing, because you would just doodle trees all over my papers. but now i keep those papers and cry when i see your drawings. you were so talented, in writing, poetry and art. you were so young and could have gone places. i know you never felt it, but you were very loved. the whole school mourned you that day. every teacher stopped class at the end of the day to talk about what happened. know that i miss your witty comments, your ideas, your creativity and honesty. yeah you slacked a lot but when it came to giving honest critiques, you knew just what to say.

this is going to sound psyducking crazy, but i swear the two weeks after your passing, strange things happened in my room. books were thrown, items on my desk were tossed around, my room felt cold and heavy. i know it was you. i wasn't afraid, i knew you were just telling me that you were okay. i wish we would have talked more. i wish i could have just said something to you... that made us connect, that made you ask for help when you needed it. i miss us goofing around in english. i miss your stupid notes. i miss the conversations we had and never had. you haunt me to this day, and i can never explain why. but just know i'm trying for you. just know that even if other people forget you, i won't. you'll live on with me.

---
that's it for me. what would you like to say?
tumblr.|deviantart.|youtube.|instagram.

r.i.p scott hutchison ;; 11/20/81 -- 5/10/18

Fairy

Female
Laverre City
Seen 7 Hours Ago
Posted 1 Day Ago
9,047 posts
8.4 Years
I'm going to keep my list short since there's been a few too many and I don't need the depressing nostalgia trip.

To my dearest friend Brian: I'm sorry I talked you back onto the oxys. You had been clean for years before I came into your life. You were sober, successful, living independently and finally managing your Bipolar disorder. And because I had to have someone suffer with me, I talked you back into drug again. I'm so sorry. When you lost the house I was so, so grateful to have someone living with me who understood how hard addiction is.. and when you brought up the idea of heroin I should have just said no. I should have told you that that's too far, and we're better than that. I didn't. I don't know if it actually would have saved your life because you were fighting demons much stronger than I could ever comprehend, but I invited that evil back into your life and if I could take it back, Christ, you don't know what I would do to take it all back.

To Adam: I tried so hard to be there for you after your accident. I wanted so, so badly to be the closest person to you, your rock, your support, and your best friend. But it just got so.. exhausting. You were in so much pain and after the incident with the fire, something in you died. You escaped 3rd degree burns over 90% of your body but something in you still died and I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. I'm so sorry. But you had taken on this 'I'm immortal' persona that was neither the first I loved so dearly nor a person I felt you could have become.

To my Mom: You promised me you'd stop drinking and taking pills for the weekend. And now because there was no toxicology report (which is psyducked because it was an unattended death), I'll never know if you kept that promise. Did you finally abuse your body to the point it shut down? Or did you genuinely go into DTs from lack of alcohol and that's what triggered the cardiac event? I don't know and it kills me that I'll never find out. I wish I had told you that things were looking up for me. I had stopped the heavier drugs and registered for college -- I was becoming the adult you raised me to be. I should have said so many more 'love yous'.


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