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Old December 28th, 2018 (5:23 PM).
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once again, im in the wrong, what else is new. Forget i said anything.
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Old December 28th, 2018 (5:36 PM).
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Shrug! That’s not what I said but your response does tell me you don’t want to hear any opinions that challenge your current status quo. Which is totally fine! You don’t have to listen to what anyone here says. It’s up to you to take initiative and be an adult. If you wanna play blame games then get back on your Xbox. It might not be what you wanted to hear, but my last post is what you asked for in this thread and my honest advice.

I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings. I honestly mean no harm I just want to try to give you a better perspective. :( I hope things work out well for you and your folks.
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Old December 28th, 2018 (9:13 PM). Edited December 29th, 2018 by Her.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairy View Post
I think you need to grow up a little more and learn to empathize and articulate. To me, it sounds like they care about you a lot and you take every amount of discipline as abuse. If your dad says you’ve been on the Xbox all day, it’s probably hyperbole, but he sets these limitations because he wants you to succeed. And if he knows you’re on your phone during class, maybe you do need to spend some extra time studying and not online, yeah? This may come as a surprise but well functioning and mindful parents don’t do things completely arbitrarily (yes, there are exceptions).

No, it’s not okay for him to threaten you. It’s not okay for him to hit you. But it’s not okay for you to be an indignant little smart ass either. This is just an awkward phase for both of you - where you're becoming a young adult with the priorities of a child and he’s trying to parent someone who he perceives should be more self sufficient. When the time comes and you have a more worldly view, you’ll realize what actual abuse is versus what what you’re going through, which seems to me like pretty fair and reasonable parenting highlighted by moments of intense frustration and near physicality because both sides think they’re right. Which isn’t okay, of course, but it takes two, know what I mean?

If you want advice, I’d say talk to him like a damn human being with honesty and respect. Ask him if it’s a good time, preferably not during conflict, and just outright tell him that you feel scared to tell him anything because your afraid he’ll overreact or get violent. Have a proper father-son sit down and work your muk out like adults. If you start to behave like you’re not a petulant child, he might stop treating you like one.

I don't mean this to come off as insulting and I really don’t want to pretend like I know anything in detail about your family dynamic. But from everything you’ve said here I think you’re just *young* in mind and spirit. Let your parents do their job.
See, I agree with your general message. He's choosing many of the wrong things to focus on because he hasn't grown enough to reflect on what's really psyducked up and what is down to being an imperfect parent. I think that's a fine thing to get across.

it's not unwarranted. Flame, your focus on the minutiae of Xbox/gaming/etc restrictions is rather immature and betrays the overall message you want people to understand. It comes off like you are more concerned about the restrictions placed on you than trying to understand why they're there in the first place, and you seem unwilling to adapt. It's not the thing to be hung up on here, despite your relative youth.

However: while I think Flame has a lot of growing up to do, I think a point that has been missed is that he has said that his mother is looking for a new residence in order to escape the attitudes and physical reactions of his father. The point of being threatened with physical retribution cannot be lost when we explain why it's immature to solely be focused on getting back on one's various consoles.

Quote:
Since October of last year, my mom has been looking at places to move to, so we can get away from him but she hasnt actually found a good place yet.
Now, while I think Flame is somewhat of an unreliable narrator, that point backs up that there's a direr situation that we might think. There's something to be said when the mother has decided that she needs to find a new location because the father's style of parenting, style of cohabiting with his supposedly cherished family, is dangerous on some level. Evidently there's an abusive atmosphere of some level that the other primary parent recognises, and I think the idea of sitting down and talking to the father, trying to reason with him, doesn't work if he's seemingly past the point of rationality.

And I completely understand Flame's inability to work with/relate to the guy if this is the situation. Darling, what might be better is taking this advice as... a method of coping. I seriously doubt you will be able to build a bridge and if the abusive atmosphere is real, which I believe, I don't think it's the right thing to do. However, Fairy has a point: if you are currently stuck in this situation, it's basic safety and pragmatism to learn how to deal with abusive behaviour for your own safety until you can free yourself. Learning how to understand your father doesn't mean you have to agree with him on anything, it means you're emotionally growing and learning how to reject abusive behaviour without setting it off - until you and your mother are able to stand on your own.

Edit: I should say that as someone who grew up in an extremely abusive household, I totally understand the apprehension inherent in this discussion. Just be sure to not direct your anger on those trying to help you.
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Old December 29th, 2018 (4:23 AM). Edited December 29th, 2018 by Fairy.
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You make an excellent point. If the mother involved is also looking for separation under the condition that the father is problematic, then there’s clearly more to the big picture that we’re not seeing. That being the case, the best thing to do is focus on self preservation. As someone who also came from an abusive household, the biggest thing for me was to survive long enough to give myself a chance to own my environment and become a more well adjusted person with a healthier support network.

While I stand by my original post and advice (because I still do believe communication can help this particular instance), it should be stated that Flame’s dad is the adult in this situation and the responsibility is on him to respond to his child without threats and potential violence. I’m sorry if I didn’t get that across very well! It’s definitely not okay, some of the things going on here, especially if Flame’s mother is active in removing herself and her child from a dangerous situation.

No child should ever feel in fear of a parent..
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Old December 29th, 2018 (9:52 AM).
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    Also worth mentioning that it's probably not the best policy to take direction from people you don't know on the internet as a first course of action. Trust your instinct and your own mind first, then those you trust the most in real life, then random internet people. Some of us could be just as full of muk as your dad (which is kind of a requirement of being a parent, when you think about it)
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    Old February 11th, 2019 (3:37 PM).
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    In the interest of keeping up with your wellbeing, how have things progressed?
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    Old February 11th, 2019 (3:46 PM).
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    I wish my dad would give up his bourbon, period.

    Lately, he's been having it with cherries, claiming he needs the fruit for his gall stones. I've asked him several times why he can't just eat them straight or drink tomato juice, but he uses it as an excuse.
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