Dear Anonymous,
Oh, how I could I even write this? How can I adequately describe how I feel about you, how can I capture that odd in-between area of desiring friendship and having a crush, perhaps my first true one, all without you really giving me a second thought?
I want to say that you probably don't even know I exist, because it would most likely be better that way. I've tried, and I've tried so many times, to catch your eye indirectly, mainly through talking with the girl, a friend from middle school, who sits right next to you. Of course, I end up falling flat on my face every time, saying something stupid, something obnoxious... But do you notice how my eyes constantly dart over to you as I speak? How I'm watching to see if you're noticing, which probably only just deepens your aversion to me?
I hate it, I really do. I'm paralyzed, paralyzed beyond all belief, when it comes to you. I want to muster it up, the courage to move over and talk to you, especially when the usual girl isn't there. I want to, because you're by yourself, but that's the kicker.
You're not lonely, you're enjoying solitude, and I can understand that. I hope. I hope that's what it is, because otherwise I would have missed opportunities beyond opportunities. Or maybe I still need to pluck up the courage, to say hello. But how can I do that, how can I even say good morning without feeling like I'm laying it on too thick, without feeling like I'm driving you away?
I want to single you out, to show that I care about you in particular, but I don't want you to feel singled out. I'm like a cat, staring at you wide-eyed until the very moment you notice and turn to me, and then I quickly turn my gaze away, pretending to not have noticed.
I'm not trying to play it cool, dammit! I want you to notice me, but I'm afraid that you, who I see as an eggshell, will find me too forceful, too energetic, too off-the-wall for your liking. You're very cute, as I've told you, but I even stumbled over that, probably driving myself further away. I threw caution to the winds, ignoring all the warnings in my head in order to ask you to the dance, but, woe is me, you turned me down because you weren't going. I hope you didn't go, simply because I honestly would hate to think that I didn't even deserve the truth from you. Knowing you, you didn't go, it probably wasn't your thing.
Bad move, asking you to the dance.
But what now? I know of so many other places that I could bring you to, if only I could ever ask. Sheltered dove, it's not fair. You're smart, you're cute, you seem fairly mellow, always polite and cheerful, always reading and working.
And here I am, floating around, trying to prove to myself that I'm as good, that I'm as worthwhile, as everyone tells me I am.
And that's why I want to hang out with you. Because I want someone to protect and care for, because the moments where I can be a big brother to my own little sister are too few and far between. I want those lighter moments, those warmer moments, where I can give up my coat, where I can hold open the door, where I can be chivalrous for chivalry's sake, not to woo you or impress you.
It's not easy, it really isn't, because I'm too inexperienced to play the game, and yet I hope I never learn how. I want to be with you for the sake of friendship and happiness, not for any romantic attraction. I have a platonic crush on you, and I hate hate hate myself because I can't even muster up the courage to say hi... To say hi in a real, meaningful way, to introduce myself as more than just another classmate, to make a lasting impression.
I don't want to let this opportunity slip through my fingers, I really don't. There's no guide for a girl like you, nobody around me who can help. So... sheltered, so fragile, so delicate, and yet so rich and deep.
I want to be with you, I want to hug you, and I want to walk up and down the pier with you.
This is not a love letter, it's an invitation to friendship. I want someone to have a good friendship with.
You're... You're the friend I've always wanted, and I'm too much of a coward to say hello.
Dear Anonymous,
I'm right to your left. Please, look and say hello!
