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Old September 4th, 2013 (3:16 PM).
Paige Berlitz's Avatar
Paige Berlitz Paige Berlitz is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Vaniville City, Kalos
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Naughty
Posts: 285
Chapter I

"Oh, crap," I said when I looked over at my clock. The digital clock read 6:45 AM. All of a Sudden, I realize that today was the first day of my freshman year in highschool. "Damn!" I yelled out loud. I got up out of my bed, and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. After I was done taking my shower, I went and grabbed my outfit from my dresser. It was made from mohagony wood with six shelves. Inside of it were stacks of neatly folded clothes. I picked out a white t-shirt that has a light blue heart in the middle of it, and a baby blue jacket. I also grabbed a royal blue skirt with royal blue leggings. I got some sky blue ankle socks and a pair of my white tennis shoes from my walk-in closet. "Okay, this looks good for now." I thought to myself. After I was done getting dressed, I straightened out my cobalt blue hair and put it into a ponytail. I then flattened my extra set of ears against my head to look presentable. I pressed my flat and pointed tail straight against my back to avoid sitting on it. I went downstairs to grab a pack of peanut butter poptarts, and then I noticed that my father had already left the house to go to work. I walked outside and locked the front door with my key. I headed toward the front gate wearing my neon pink drawstring bag on my back. I looked at my Cell Phone and it read 7:16 AM. "I need to hurry up, I don't want to be late on the first day," I said to myself as I quickened my pace. I turned left a couple of times before i arrived at Sea Side High. Reaching the room that was labeled 114-C. I walked inside the room and sat in the front seat of the second row. I checked my phone to see what it said; I only had 7 minutes to spare before class started. I looked around the room and I saw a lot of my classmates from last school year. Some of them were shy and quiet, some were obnoxious and loud, some were cute and handsome, and others were just flat out ugly. "This is going to be one heck of a class," I thought to myself. I seemed to forgot to mention my name. My name is Lily Oak.

The first chapter isn't done yet. Please tell me what you think.

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Old September 4th, 2013 (6:45 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus Astinus is offline
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
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Originally Posted by Daughter of Dawn View Post
The first chapter isn't done yet. Please tell me what you think.
Then it doesn't meet the rules of the forum. FF&W's rules state that a chapter must be finished before it is posted to the forum.

The other problems with this is that what you have written is a one single paragraph when there should be several paragraphs. Without proper paragraphing, your story is difficult to read. It's also difficult for me personally to read because the font is so tiny. Between tiny font and no paragraphs, readers can quickly lose their place.

Take your time when writing your story. Work on a word processing program so you can save your work and not have to rush it. Read it over before you post your story to the forums to make sure there aren't any mistakes.

You can try again with a more complete chapter that you've spent your time on.

Now nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody speaks my name
I'm just another blister in the mouth of shame
A bug in Ender's Game

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