[Pokémon] My Fanfic Who's Story is Hopefully Better Than This Lousy Title

Hmmmm....Im not exactly sure what im supposed to do right now because this is my first thread on here ever. Also, this is the first fanfiction I have ever written so...if I'm doing this wrong please don't hate on me. Oh and also I have a disclaimer: much of the grammar in this story may be incorrect and also this is going to be a very long story that i will submit chapter by chapter. Also, updates may be sporadic as i have a lot going on right now. But oh well. I hope you enjoy my story and thanks for at least checking this out. Oh, by the way I'm gonna rate this about PG-13 or 15 because I do intend to have some extreme violence and there is some swearing, though I'm gonna translate it all roughly into German for the sake of disguising the swearing.


Chapter 1: The Calm Before the Storm

I always loved listening to my mother's voice. It was as light and airy as the tweeting of the Taillow in the trees outside. And, like every night, her musical voice was painting the picture of the story of my birth. "It was very late on a midsummer's night," my mother began.

"Mom," I interrupted. "Please, spare the theatrics. I don't particularly care how nice your words are, I just want to hear the story."

"Oh," my mother said, looking rather crestfallen. I noticed this, but didn't really care. It needed to be said, and, like always, I was stuck being the one who had to say it. "Well, ok. So, as I was saying, it was late one night when I started laying your egg. It hurt, but not unbearably so. Also, I was way too excited that you were going to be born. After an hour or so, I was left with your cute little egg. I was so happy, I started to cry. Your father looked so happy he was absolutely glowing." She paused to laugh, the sound as high and delicate as the tinkling of crystals.

"Oh, ha," I said, unmoved. This was my mother's attempt at a joke. I guess the joke was that she said my father was glowing. Normally, this would just mean that he was happy. However, my father was a Flareon, hence the joke. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved my mother, I just hated her jokes. They were just...way too childish. I mean, I was almost 6 years old. In the Eevee growth cycle, that was the middle of the adolescent cycle. The only problem was that my mother, even though she was a Psychic type, could not see the evident future that I was growing up. "Now can we go on? We're getting to my favorite part."

"Oh, of course, honey," she said, once again looking rather defeated. "Well, where was I?"

"You'd just laid my egg, Mom," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Cole!" my father said, angrily. "You treat your mother with more respect!"

"Dad," I complained. "You know how much I love you guys. I just didn't really think the joke was that funny. Is that such a bad thing?" My father flared up, literally. His fur burst into a flame, a sign that he was really mad. Suddenly, he was enveloped by a purple sphere. I looked over and saw my mother focusing intently on my father. The crystal in the middle of her forehead glowed crimson as she focused on containing my dad.

"Walter," she said. "Calm down. Cole is right, he's growing up and we need to understand that." She looked over at me, her deep purple eyes staring into my dark brown ones. I smiled lovingly at her. As rude as I was to her, I couldn't help but love her. She was always there for me, and always joined my side in arguments against my father. Just more reasons to really love her.

I looked back to my dad, and saw that, though he was still trembling, the flames had died down in his fur. My mom slowly released the Protect she had set up around my father. With that, she continued her story. "As I was saying, I stared down at your egg, and I was just so happy. Soon, I would have a little boy! I looked up into the sky, which was devoid of a moon, as there was a New Moon that night, and thanked any gods there may have been that I could have you with me. Then, a week or so later, I saw the shell on your egg starting to crack. Can you imagine how happy I was?" she asked me.

"I don't think I could, Mom. Though I do think that I could hazard a guess that you were pretty happy." I smiled at her.

"You bet I was," my mom replied. She chuckled, the light tinkling sound of her laughter echoing around our down. Once again, I couldn't help but smile. "So anyway, the bright light of the full moon shone down on your egg as the first few cracks appeared. Breathless with excitement, I called your father. He sprinted over, and we both stared down as you poked your cute little nose through the egg. I looked at your father and saw that he looked about as excited and happy as I felt. Finally, you were all the way through, and I had my precious little boy. However, I noticed that you were a special little boy, too. As you crawled out, I saw that your right ear and your tail were a solid black. I then knew that, no matter what, you would always be my special little baby boy."

As she finished, I sat there, smiling, like I did every night. Then, like every night, I asked my next question. "Why are my ear and tail black?" I didn't expect an answer; I hadn't gotten one on any other night I had asked. Still, I couldn't help from asking, it was in my nature to be curious.

"Well, honey-" she started.

"Whoa, wait. I'm actually getting a real answer?!?" I couldn't believe it. In the past five years of asking I hadn't gotten a straight answer.

"Well, I think you're old enough now, Cole. You said yourself that you're getting older. Now, the reason I believe you have black fur on your ear and tail has to do with the moon. You see, since Eevee can evolve in so many different ways, they are very affected by nature and their surroundings. And so, since both of your stages of birth happened under the extreme phases of the moon, I think that the immense influence from the moon may have actually physically changed your fur. I do think that it means you're evolved form is gonna be pretty powerful."

I couldn't reply. There was no way to. I had just been told by my own mother, someone infinitely more power than I was, or at least I thought I was, that I was powerful. That was just mind-numbing to me. I just sat there, dumbfounded, with my jaw dropped.

"Close your jaw, honey, and go to sleep. It's late." With that, my mother padded over to her bed next to my father, who, after escaping the Protect, had stalked over and begun to doze. My mind still reeling, I headed over to my own bed to get some sleep. As I passed by the entrance to our den, I saw a blast of light go across the valley. I looked out, confused, and saw a ball of fire over the mountain. There was an Entei on that mountain, so I guess it sort of made sense. However, it was equally likely that it was a Trainer. A lot of the Trainers nearby were becoming braver and venturing further out. Satisfied with my amazing explanatory skills, I went to bed.

I was an Umbreon. I was running, running to an unknown destination. I could feel the exhilaration that comes with running, feeling the wind blow through my fur. I felt power building inside me. Occasionally, some would spark out of my right ear and my tail, which I noticed were a solid golden color. I turned my head to make sure they were following me. I could see her many pale tails rushing through the breeze, could see his tail and arms behind him and knew they were right on my heels. Suddenly, we stopped, and I looked up. I knew what I had to. I looked back one last time to see my friends. I nodded at them, then let the power that had been building release.

I woke up to see the sun streaming through the entrance to our den. Annoyed, I stalked outside. I really didn't like the sun. It was always so obnoxiously bright and always right in my face. Grumbling under my breath, I almost didn't hear my parents whispering concernedly outside. Slightly confused, I stopped to listen.

"I'm just so worried, Walter," I heard my mother say. "It's getting hard to keep him from being noticed. I could barely sleep last night because I could feel it!"

"Calm down Clara," my father said. "It's only because you're Psychic. Trust me, it's fine."

"You're probably right, Walter. I'm just so nervous. I mean he's already-" I coughed. Silently cursing myself for not being able to control myself, I walked outside.

"Morning," I said, noticeably unhappy. "How is everyone?"

"Everything okay, sweetie?" Mom asked.

"Peachy," I replied, curtly. "Just fantastic. I'm going to look for some Berries."

"Oh, okay," my mother replied, confused. "Well, be careful. There's Trainers around here and we don't want you getting captured!"

"Whatever, Mom," I called back, with a bit of an unnecessary amount of coldness. But I didn't exactly care. I was still way too mad that I had blown my cover while eavesdropping. They were talking about something really important. Verdammt! Why did I have to cough? Brooding, I didn't see the Berry bush until I had walked directly into it. Surprised, annoyed, but mildly happy with my discovery, I began to chow down on the delicious Oran Berries. I was so focused on eating, to forget my anger, that I didn't see that I had company until she walked right up to me.

Startled, I opened my eyes to see a rather pretty Vulpix standing directly in front of me. At first, she seemed rather normal. Then, I noticed her middle tail was entirely white. The Vulpix coughed rather loudly. "What are you looking at?"

"Uhh....nothing?" I replied. I hadn't realized that I had been staring at her tail.

"Yeah, right," she replied, sarcasm and a bit of hatred layering her voice. "Now, if you would kindly leave, I don't have to hurt you." Ouch. At least, that's what I would have thought had her words actually hurt me.

"Please," I replied, equally as annoyed as she was now. "As if a puny little Vulpix like you could actually hurt me. You look like you couldn't even knockout a freaking Rattata." I was so caught up in my rudeness that I hadn't noticed the ball of fire gathering around her mouth. Then, I looked down. At the last second, I dodged the Flamethrower that would have hit me square in the face. Suddenly humble, I said, "Hey now, there's no need to be violent."

"Actually," the Vulpix replied, her voice filled with rage, "there is!" Again, she tried to hit me with a Flamethrower. Again, I dodged. Why was she being so hostile? It couldn't have been because I had told her she was weaker than the bane of the Kanto region was it? Crap. "Can we please reason here?" I asked.

"Just a minute," she raged. She turned her head skyward and let the rest of her fire burn directly into the sky. After several minutes of intense flame, she seemed to have calmed down. "That's better," she said, the murderous look no longer in her eyes. "Now, before you say anything else that could make me want to kill you, listen. I'm actually rather certain I like you. I tend to enjoy the rudeness of others, and you excel at it." She started to laugh. "Sorry about the whole trying to kill you thing. I have a really bad angry streak."

"Uh...okay," I responded, not sure how else to respond. Strangely, I found myself starting to like her too. Probably because I could relate to her a lot. I mean, I was really rude. And I could also relate to having a bad temper. Also, if this meant she would stop killing me, I was willing to go along with anything. "So what's your name?"

"Caitlin," she replied. "Though I'd prefer that you call me Cat."

"But aren't you a fox?" I asked, winking.

"That's funny," she said, laughing sarcastically. "I also appreciate sarcastic humor."

"Me too!" I was pretty excited. We had a lot in common. For instance, if I could shoot fire from my mouth, and she had been insulting me, I would have tried to kill her too. So, I guess I couldn't really get mad at her for that. Also, we were both obnoxious arschloch that adored being sarcastic. "I see a bright friendship in our future, Cat."

"Me too," she replied, brightly. "C'mon! Let's go do something!" And, with that, she pulled me off into the woods.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of blue, but decided it was an Oran Berry and followed Cat.

Before I even start reading I suggest you edit the format, right now it's not even readable; just a giant block of text.

In regards to minime thank you so much and i do plan on continuing the story to its conclusion. I already have planned out the ending and many events to occur between that point and where it is right now. However, as i said above, it will be a long time until i reach that point, mainly because of school and such. Anyway, thank you for your opinion, I appreciate it immensely.

In regards to the other person who has replied here, sorry but in writing the above response your name has completely evaded my memory, as i was scrolling through here again i realized that it was completely difficult to read and i need to change it. However, i am considerably new to this and would greatly appreciate some specific suggestions as to how to fix the formatting. Thank you for pointing out my failures however, it is greatly appreciated.

c1234321 said:

In regards to the other person who has replied here, sorry but in writing the above response your name has completely evaded my memory, as i was scrolling through here again i realized that it was completely difficult to read and i need to change it. However, i am considerably new to this and would greatly appreciate some specific suggestions as to how to fix the formatting. Thank you for pointing out my failures however, it is greatly appreciated.

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Phantom works fine! And I wasn't being harsh! I was just saying that I was having a hard time reading it until it's formated better. Please don't be so quick to assume the negative!


You need to put spaces in between paragraphs.

Like

this.

It's the standard format for fanfictions posted online. I will be able to read it then.

PhantomX0990 said:

Phantom works fine! And I wasn't being harsh! I was just saying that I was having a hard time reading it until it's formated better. Please don't be so quick to assume the negative!


You need to put spaces in between paragraphs.

Like

this.

It's the standard format for fanfictions posted online. I will be able to read it then.

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Haha i wasn't assuming you were being harsh. I was thanking you for pointing out i did something wrong. And it is greatly appreciated nonetheless. So thank you and I'll get on that. Hopefully you'll enjoy the story when I fix the formatting. So thanks :)

Okay i have just formatted it again and i hope i did it right. If I havent done it right still corrections would be gladly accepted. And thanks :) I hope you like it

Specifically, you need to space your paragraphs out. Add in an extra line between paragraphs so it's easier to read. It's not impossible, but it's harder and a strain on the eyes the way it is now. If you don't know how to do so, just edit your post and hit enter for every paragraph. Again. The spacing should be just as I typed up this post, if you want some example.

You also need to do this every time a new speaker is in place for dialogue. For example:

c1234321 said:

"Mom," I interrupt. I already knew the answer, but I asked my question anyway. "What happens next?" . . . "Why do you love this story so much, Cole?" he asked me.

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You didn't put the father's dialogue onto the next line, which you should do. It prevents confusion and makes the text less jumbled up into a mass of words.

I think I should make it a point that you rarely use 'said' and instead use other words like 'reply' or 'inquired'. You shouldn't use replacements in such a high volume, otherwise, it gets noticeable. One thing you want to keep in mind is that there is nothing wrong with using said at all. Actually, it's almost preferable. What you want to achieve is a flow in your story, and you don't accomplish that by using words like 'inquired', because that jumps out at readers and takes them out of the story. Don't use those words in excess, and the same goes for said. But said is easier to use since it's more common and less obscure than retorted and the likes.

The Umbreon ordeal is interesting, in a way, but I can't help but feel it's not right since it's not in accordance to canon. In canon, Eevee simply evolve into Umbreon during the night. And I believe the same would go for the character's mother, the Espeon. Otherwise, all Eevee born in the sunshine would probably be purple, according to your story anyway. And then they'd all turn into Espeons and whatnot. There's nothing wrong if your character's an Eevee, but one of the appealing features of an Eevee character is reading on to discover into what they'll evolve into. But you pretty much told us in the first few paragraphs, and that kinda kills the suspense. Any kind of question or mystery is what drives readers to continue to read, and you want readers to read, don't you? So keep this in mind later on.

Later on in the story, you shift--if for a few moments--to a third person narrative right in the middle of a story where it's completely first person. That is rather confusing to readers and you want to be consistent. Again, with the whole Vulpix-Entei interactions, you killed the suspense and the questions, and the potential for a plot twist later on. You already told us what the Vulpix is doing, before we're properly introduced, and now I wonder why it's worth reading. But I digress. Stay in one narrative and keep it that way. Don't jump into first person to third person and back to first person. It got confusing and it doesn't make much sense. Why not just do a multiple third-person narrative, or an omniscient narrative instead? Given what you already wrote, it would work out better that way. And the last paragraphs were centered on a Riolu instead of the Vulpix, and that made it even more confusing than it should have been.

As for the plot, I think I should remind you that this is the beginning and not much was done to help build up to the other instances. A lot had already happened within the first chapter, and yet we know next to nothing about everybody other than their motives. Well, we don't know Cole's since we just got introduced to him and he just seems odd. Why would he want to go with the Vulpix in the first place? That's what bugged me, since that makes no sense. If you met a stranger in the street, you wouldn't immediately hitch off and go to their home, would you? That sounds random. What's even odder is that the Vulpix allows Cole to follow along halfway through and tells him to go home. What am I missing here? There was literally not point in that. Think about it, and make all interactions realistic. If it was to be more realistic, the Vulpix would have tried to be better friends. I didn't get how they became friends so quickly, since all they did was shove each other around. And it's odder that they'd even be that friendly toward each other. Besides, I don't think the Vulpix is stupid. If that's its mission, then it should treat it seriously and want to be careful. As soon as Cole doesn't trust it, well, it's screwed over. It fails.

And for the dialogue, I think there's a lot to be desired. Most of it was wooden and not so human in ways. This is mainly the first 'story-telling' part where the Espeon talks about how laying an egg was extremely painful (which I wouldn't imagine that to be the case, but then again, chickens can't talk). I honestly thought that part was pointless overall. Most of it could have been condensed into Cole's thoughts, where it would have made sense since it's a first person narrative. The random storytelling got me bored as I read it and I began to wonder what was the point. Then apparently the full moon is important and somehow determines Cole is going to be an Umbreon. Obviously, Cole had heard the story enough and he should know it by now. Besides, it's interesting to 'hear' the story in his thoughts. You wouldn't go into too much detail since it's in his thoughts, but we'd get the idea and it would keep the story moving.

Which leads me up to my next point: thoughts. Cole is the first person narrative perspective, and you aren't doing your job as the author to introduce us to Cole. Remember, it's the first person and we need to hear, see, touch, and think everything Cole can and does. Seriously, there was almost nothing about his thoughts and rationale. We barely have an established character here. We don't know his opinion on why he's partly black. Maybe he thinks he's an outcast or something, but you have to tell us, otherwise we don't know.

And this is all the time I have to write this review. There are a number of things I'd like to add, but I guess I'll have to explain it on another day. One thing you need to do is proofread. I know you didn't proofread for a number of reasons. First, there are a few typos running around (like uncapitalized 'I'). Secondly, the descriptions are lacking and need some work as well. You probably would have caught that if you proofread. Read over your work to make sure it's what you want it to be, then post it. Take your time with it too. Proofreading is an underrated value in many new authors, and you should embrace it. I highly recommend that you read your story out loud so that you can really listen to your story. That way, if you don't read something out loud because you're too embarrassed, you should change it. Also, you might be interested in getting a beta reader to help you proofread if you don't think you're up to par. We have a wonderful beta reader thread on our own forums, in the writer's lounge.

PS - Come up with a title. Like seriously.

And when you do think of a title, let either bobandbill or me know. We'd be willing to change the thread title for you. (It's too late for you to change it yourself.)

double post!

Okay. Wow. That was very very blunt and, I think, a bit unnecessarily rude. However, I appreciate the bluntness and will do better in the future to fix these problems. However, I'd like to explain my rationale for some of these things.

a) I used the moon to determine Cole's evolution not because I'm saying all Eevee born at night evolve into Umbreon. I was suggesting that the fact that both of the stages of Cole's birth happened under the extreme phases of the moon that he and his evolution would be very influenced by this. I understand I need to say this more directly.

b) I'm sorry that I haven't developed Cole's character a lot. Seeing as Cole is me, I personally am finding it hard to develop his character to a reasonable point seeing as he is me. Sorry, I think I'm going to entirely scrap the first chapter and redo it. Thanks for the insight.

c) I'm sorry about the formatting. I have already said that I am new here and am having problems with that already. So, thank you for this.

d) The change in perspective occurred because it happened outside my range of perspective. I had no idea this was going on. However, I see your point and will make it my objective to make this make more sense. (If that makes sense) Also, I don't exactly understand your problem with the whole Riolu thing.

e) This story is not intended to be a mystery. It is more of an adventure thing. This being why I told you exactly why the Entei wanted me dead. I see that this is a problem for you but from my perspective this was done this way so people wouldn't be thinking, "What the heck was up with the Entei?" I didn't want to lead to mass confusion and hysteria. Unfortunately, I know that no matter how I write this, I will not gain the acceptance of everyone that reads it. Unfortunately, you need to understand this as well. So, while I will attempt to fix most of the problems, some of the things mentioned above will remain more or less the same. Sorry if you don't approve of this but, after all, this is my story not yours.

So, thank you for your critique. However, I do believe there is a nicer way to say what you said. But whatever. Do what you do. And I'll try to do some work with this.

Astinus said:

And when you do think of a title, let either bobandbill or me know. We'd be willing to change the thread title for you. (It's too late for you to change it yourself.)

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Thanks I will definitely do that. I've just been so swamped with school stuff lately I just have not been able to think of one. :\

Appreciating unnecessarily bluntness? I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or provoking me. Or quite possibly both. But either way, yes, I'm frank. That's the most objective way of looking at fics: scrutinizing every little aspect so authors can really know what's up and what's down. In your case, unfortunately, a lot was down and I had to point them out. My goal isn't to put you down and be rude. I'm simply seeing your story as it is. If I insulted you--and I mean you as a person--then I'm sorry, but I won't apologize for criticizing your story. If that comes off as rude to you, so be it. But as long as you learned something from my review, then I could honestly care less.

And your explanation for an Umbreon still isn't exactly viable. I mean, why not just have Cole evolve at night? You don't need to explain that, and being influenced by the moon just sounds farfetched to me. If you're intent on keeping it that way, however, then by all means go for it. But I can't help but ask, what's wrong with the normal way Eevee evolve into Umbreon in the first place? I'm simply speculating here, but it sounds like you just want an excuse for Cole to be a powerful Pokemon by having added power from the moon or something.

When you plan your story, you should plan your characters as well. The same goes for personalities. It's best to avoid basing characters off of yourself, since--as you probably learned--it's difficult to assess yourself in the first place. But plan your characters first so you can develop them later on.

c1234321 said:

d) The change in perspective occurred because it happened outside my range of perspective. I had no idea this was going on. However, I see your point and will make it my objective to make this make more sense. (If that makes sense) Also, I don't exactly understand your problem with the whole Riolu thing.

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And I know why you did it, I just don't think it was right to do so. Jumping from these perspectives, quite frequently, doesn't help your story, but only causes more confusion. That makes it harder to read as well. Like I said, one remedy would be to make it a third-person narrative where it would be allowed to shift from character to character without much scrutiny. But changing from first to third person is just something I can't swallow. Also, about the Riolu, I was making a point about how I was confused since I thought we were going back to the Vulpix. This just furthers that there needs to be more clarification when you shift views, and to make sure the narrative fits so that it isn't confusing when you shift. I don't find it outrageously wrong that you switch, but I do find it confusing when you do it in the middle of a chapter, shifting from three different perspectives about five times.

I know this won't be a mystery. I was simply giving you advice to entice readers. What you don't want to do is start throwing information at readers so they're completely overwhelmed and can't make out what the hell is happening. Besides, part of giving a purpose to read your story is a mystery, or a series of questions, which you answer as you go along. Something that gets people reading on is to wonder what happens next? Or maybe why did this happen? It's what makes people interested, so they continue reading.

And yes, I know your story won't be whatever I want it to be. Of course I understand that, which is why I gave you a lot of feedback. Besides, what else would you work with? It gives you an idea of what people think. And how would you get better at writing if you don't know what's wrong with it in the first place? My 'advice' isn't a set of writing guidelines or whatever you took it as. It's simply an opinion. I don't care what you think of my opinion, except for how you look at it. As long as it helps you somehow, I think I'd be pretty happy, whether you agreed or disagreed with what I said. That's the point of a review: to help writers improve. But how you improve is up to you.

psyanic said:

Appreciating unnecessarily bluntness? I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or provoking me. Or quite possibly both. But either way, yes, I'm frank.

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I'm sorry you interpreted what I said that way. I genuinely meant that I appreciated that you were straightforward. What I didn't appreciate was the way in which you were blunt. For example, the correct way to be blunt with someone, so as to avoid such confrontations as these, would be politely pointing out that X, Y, and Z need improvement. The wrong way is to come in and essentially say what I have done is complete garbage. I know that's most likely not what you intended to say, but that is how it came across.

Also, the fact that my Eevee will evolve into an Umbreon has nothing to do with that moon stuff. Honestly, I am evolving into Umbreon because it is my favorite Eeveelution. I added the other stuff about the moon after because in my opinion, Umbreon draw power from the moon and, in case you couldn't tell, there needed to be a reason Entei was trying to kill me; this reason is that I am powerful which i became so from the moon. And honestly, this fanfic is an attempt to get away from what is canon. In my honest opinion, Eevee should not evolve based on stones and time of day; they should evolve based on events and situations in their past lives. I'm sorry you do not agree, but this is how I am choosing to write my story.

EDIT: I have officially rewritten chapter 1. Obviously it is a bit shorter, but I hope it makes more sense now and that I've developed Cole a little bit better. I hope everyone can enjoy it.

Hey everyone I dont want anybody to think that Ive already given up because I havent, I just havent had a ton of time to write the next chapter yet. Ive had lots of testing and lots of...personal issues to deal with. Honestly Im surprised I managed to write this. But dont give up on me! Im just waiting a week or two until I get a lot of time to continue writing. So thank you for waiting!