Hey everyone! I figured this was probably the most fitting place to post something like this. I've been writing on and off about some thoughts and experiences in my life for a while now, and I'm more comfortable with letting new people read it.
I have compiled a selection of my past writing into one nice pdf file. There are probably some errors in editing, but those can be fixed in time. Here is one piece that's not in the compilation, but can give you a taste of my style.
- ALL OF THE ****S I AM GIVING
Wednesday, November 9th, 2011
I don’t want to ******** my human nature. It’s so easy to write off tendencies as being more significant than they are. I’m just tired of it; I don’t want to be a hypocrite. There is no reason to live like this. We’re operating out of fear and laziness, and probably denial as well.
I guess I’ll start with dating and relationships of that sort. I’ve said before on what I think this should entail, and it should still hold true for the most part. But, ****, I’m only human just like everyone else. So, I’ll say it.
I just want to ****.
Plain and simple. Yeah, all that talk about companionship and whatnot is important, but that just represents an ideal that sees very little practicality. Sure, I can say that the only meaningful relationship I could ever have is if I were to follow those ideas, but then again, I don’t necessarily want or care. I’m not sure I want that kind of companionship, probably because I don’t feel I need it. Though, what sucks is that I don’t really want to have a girlfriend just to satisfy my sex drive. That would be ****ed up. But I’m not going to hide the reality from myself. I have a penis, therefore I get occasional urges **** something.
The reason I am saying this is because I realized that for a long time, I would have heavily misogynistic views toward women and their general treatment of dating. But I didn’t want this. I was portraying myself as this wonderful person that thinks of themselves as understanding the matters of “love”. I’m so full of ****, because I know for a fact, that deep down in my subconscious, the first thing that I think about when I meet a woman for the first time is if I can have sex with her. And to come to this realization is not a bad thing, as I am now more comfortable dealing with women in social situations; I make the decision if I want to pursue a relationship. If I don’t want to or I know she doesn’t, then I won’t give a ****. Of course, this just means I’ll almost only talk to women just when I think I have a shot. To give you a clear idea, it’s incredibly hard for me to keep a straight mind when with women, so I don’t bother trying. But, if they’re a family member, unattractive to me, or a good friend, I obviously won’t have a problem. God damn it, I can’t even keep a straight face writing this; all of this might sound funny or whatever, but it seriously sucks sometimes, cause often times I want to legitimately talk to another person with real thoughts and ideas, and not just procreation.
But enough about friction. God knows how old talking about that **** can be. Moving on to real relationships, a.k.a. friendships, I’ll also say that I no longer give a ****. I’ve lived a good life, for what it’s worth, and have had what I think to be some of strongest friendships a person can have at my age. And it’s not like I’m giving up on having new friends that can potentially be just as close to me, but it’s that I no longer feel as lonely as I once was. I’m not going to seriously complain about all of stupid emotions and childish problems and **** no one really cares about. No one needs or wants to really hear any of that. I don’t feel like I need another person’s company to feel happy; I feel really ****ing awesome just pondering about the universe and watching movies, listening to music, playing games, and reading and learning new things every day.
For the record, I’m not knocking friendships entirely. I would love to have friends in my current state of mind. I would love to have interesting conversations and laugh at jokes and enjoy the company of another. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. But, I feel like if I really want to be true to myself, I have to admit that I shouldn’t rely on those experiences anymore. By all means, I should go out into the world and meet new people to gain more knowledge and understanding, but I should never feel like I “need” these people in my life. Again, if someone’s reading this, I can’t stress the point of how much I love having friends; not a negative in the slightest. In fact, I encourage people to embrace any friendships they have. It feels ****ing awesome to have a friend.
One more thing I want to mention is about success. I won’t go into too much detail though, as much as my thoughts on this are for another time, but I will say that the true basis for the cause of me writing this reflection is the fact that I want to be successful. Here I use the term ”success” very loosely, as I actually consider it to be something else, but for now assume that I am talking about money and power, with “power” meaning having a good career. The funny thing is that I don’t even want these things personally. Rather, I need these things to accomplish my goals. So, at this moment in time, it would be really difficult for me to live life according to what I’ve written in the past. But, I am trying to get to that point. After all is said and done, I believe that in the aftermath of my goals, I’ll be able to live life all carefree the way I envision it to be.
There’s a lot more to this, but take what’s here with a pound of salt. I don’t think I could ever say all of this to someone in person without giving a bad impression. Even now, if you’re reading this, I might be giving a bad impression. But maybe I shouldn’t care; that would be proving my point tremendously. I just want to be completely honest and true to myself; minimal hypocrisy.
So, if you see me going against what I just said, don’t hesitate to kick me in the balls.