• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

[Other Original] The Flood

Xherdan

Bad at Good Games
362
Posts
8
Years
Hey guys, this is a project i'll be working on and i figured why not share it here with you. Hope you enjoy!


The Flood - Chapter One
"End of Days?"

It was a quiet neighborhood. You could hear the birds singing. The air was clean. People there were quite nice beside recent happenings. It was located to the coast of the Pacific Ocean. Not too close to California, but not too far. The town was calm, even though with its surprising number of inhabitants, peaking in at 120,000. But everything changed, in this one particular day...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, March 7th, 2017.

Dear Diary,

I'm super stoked to see Michael today! He said we'd meet at 5 by the park, and i couldn't have been happier. I just wonder if we'll just walk around, or end up kissing... oh my gosh, my friends would be soooo jealous! I'm really hyped for this! But i've got to get ready. I sure don't want to look trashy when we see eachother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Emma, come down, lunch is ready!" Emma heard her mother scream, as she went downstairs to eat. "What's to eat today?" Emma asked. "Well, nothing too fancy. Roasted potatoes, rice, beans, cooked asparagus and some chicken." Her mother said. "Mom, you make the best meals." Emma says, hugging her mother. "Oh, it's nothing, dear. Now sit down, your father's home from work." Her mother says, as they all sit down and eat.

Some time later, Emma is seen on her room, separating clothes for her upcoming date. She looks at the time on her cellphone. It's currently 2:30 PM. "Time to shower." Emma says, grabbing her clothes and going to the bathroom. She turns on the shower and begins to sing while she's washing herself.

Some minutes pass, and Emma steps out of the shower, cleaning herself with the towel. She puts on fresh clothes and steps out of the bathroom, looking at the time. It is now 2:45 PM. "Hmm, i have plenty of time left." Emma says, as she goes into her room. She starts listening to music while she is on her phone, texting with her friends about her date.

Some more hours later, she stares at the clock. It points 4:45 PM. "Well, i better be going. Don't wanna make him wait." Emma says, grabbing a small jacket and leaving. "Bye, mom! I'm going on my date!" Emma says. "Alright, dear. Be back before dinner, you hear?" Her mother says. "Sure thing!" Emma says, closing the door. Emma's mother looks at the television for a second. "A small disruption in tectonic plates..." The journalist says. She turns the television off, as she goes back to cleaning her house.

Emma arrives in the park and sees a boy with a blue jacket and a white polo shirt sitting on a bench. "Hi, Michael." Emma says, greeting him. "Hey, Emma." Michael says, as she sits down by his side. "So, i hope i'm not late. I was getting dressed up." Emma says. "Oh, no problem. I've been here for around two minutes." Michael says. "Well, what do you wanna do?" She asks. "I don't know, i thought we could go get some ice cream or something... your choice." Michael says. "That sounds great! Let's go to the ice cream parlor, then." Emma gets up along with Michael, as they walk to the ice cream parlor.

They leave the parlor some time after, with their ice cream cones in hand. They walk back to the park as they eat their ice cream. "So... what's going on?" Michael asks. "Well, nothing much... Just doing the same things everyday. And you?" Emma says. "Eh, i've been working on some things. Multitasking between school and other stuff." Michael says. Emma sits down on the bench along with him. "What other stuff?" Emma asks. "Oh, nothing, just some poetry. It's nothing too special, but i'm not one to say it's good either." Michael asks. "That's great!" Emma says. "I've been trying to explore the curious side of me for a few days. I think some things might help me in the future." He says. "Hmm... anyways... what do you wanna be in the future?" She asks. "Oh, i don't know. I can never confirm it either. I change my mind a lot about things. But i guess i could go for possible doctor or writer. And what about you?" Michael says. "That's awesome. Well, i was thinking of becoming a veterinarian, but as you said, i might change my mind..." She says. "That's interesting." He says.

They keep chatting for some more time. They finish their icecream cones as they are sitting close to eachother. "So, uhh, Emma... there's something i kinda wanted to ask you." Michael says. "Sure, go ahead." Emma says. "I know you've been my friend for a long time now, and you've always been there for me. So, i've been wondering... Would you like to be my girlfriend?" Michael says. "Oh my god... umm..." She gasps, looking at him. "Yes! I will...!" She says, hugging Michael, small tears running down her eyes. He hugs her as they finally kiss. Several minutes pass, as they sit there, her head on his shoulder.

He eventually guides her home, as she goes through the front door. She sets herself down on the dinner table to eat dinner. "Mom, dad, i got something to tell you two." She says. "Go ahead, darling, what is it?" Her dad says. "Well, i went on a date earlier today, and Michael asked me if i wanted to be his girlfriend." She says. "Hmm, wow." Her mother says. "And?" Her dad says, curious. "I said yes!" She says. "Well, that's great! Congratulations." Her mother says. Her father stays there. "Bradley, say something to your daughter." Her mother says. "So that means i have a stepson?" He asks. "Well, not until we're officially married, but i guess?" She says. "That's great! Finally we'll have one more man in the house. In the future, i mean. For now, i'm still king of the jungle." Her dad says. "Sure you are, honey." Her mother says. "Well, i'm going to go upstairs." Emma says, as she goes up to her room.

Her father goes to the living room, as he turns the TV on and sits on the couch. "People are in danger." The weather forecast man says, as he immediately switches channel to a football game. Meanwhile, Emma is upstairs, lying on her bed, texting her friends and her new boyfriend.

Some hours later, they all go to sleep, Emma texting one last good night message to her boyfriend. She then lays down in her bed and turns the lights off.

Many hours later, a thud is heard, followed by noises of something crashing violently. The sound is heard repeatedly. Screams follow the noise, as the ground shakes. Emma falls off her bed, instantly waking up. She grabs her phone and heads to her parents' room. "Mom, dad, what's happening?" She says, as a giant ammount of water bursts into the window, breaking it. "Ugh, it's a tidal wave! Come on, let's go downstairs!" Her father says, as they go downstairs as quick as they can. The wave soon hits the house fiercely, making them fall down to the lower floor. Another wave comes and tears apart great pieces of the wall. Emma's dad looks outside, as a giant storm followed by waves is going on. The tidal wave is taking down every house, car and tree in its way. "Come on, we've got to get out of here!" He opens the door as a blast of water goes through, all of them stepping outside and running along the drenched grass, attempting to dodge as many things as they can. A herculean strike of thunder falls from the sky and crashes into a house, making it catch on fire. They run as fast as they can. "What is going on?" Emma asks, as they run along the avenue. A giant roar is heard as water crashes down furiously, non-stop. Thunder breaks through the skies, crashing in all places. The roar gets even louder as they run, as a humongous wave surges from the sea and engulfs the whole town. Buildings crash down like card houses, as Emma and her family are between the furious waves, being thrown here and there like ragdolls. A gigantic wave surges with a monstrous roar, crashing down on them, as they all black out.

End of Chapter One.

So that's it, i hope you enjoyed. Chapter 2 will be posted in this same thread soon.
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Hey, so I thought I would drop by and check out this story real quick.

First off, your story was hard to follow due to you putting the dialogue in one paragraph. Whenever someone new speaks, you put the dialogue in a new paragraph. For instance, here.

"Emma, come down, lunch is ready!" Emma heard her mother scream, as she went downstairs to eat. "What's to eat today?" Emma asked. "Well, nothing too fancy. Roasted potatoes, rice, beans, cooked asparagus and some chicken." Her mother said. "Mom, you make the best meals." Emma says, hugging her mother. "Oh, it's nothing, dear. Now sit down, your father's home from work." Her mother says, as they all sit down and eat.

And what happens when you seperate them.

"Emma, come down, lunch is ready!" Emma heard her mother scream, as she went downstairs to eat.

"What's to eat today?" Emma asked.

"Well, nothing too fancy. Roasted potatoes, rice, beans, cooked asparagus and some chicken." Her mother said.

"Mom, you make the best meals." Emma says, hugging her mother.

"Oh, it's nothing, dear. Now sit down, your father's home from work." Her mother says, as they all sit down and eat.

Here you can track who's speaking better this way. I highly recommend reworking the presentation of the dialogue this chapter so readers can follow the story better.

One other suggestion for dialogue, I would like to see more reactions and body language from the characters when they speak. You have some actions here and there, but with your dialogue the majority is "(dialogue) x says" and "(dialogue) y says." You know how in tv shows/movies you'll have actors do various gestures and facial expressions? Same deal here when writing. For instance, when Michael was about to confess in wanting to be Emma's girlfriend, you could have him be nervous about it like him jerking his head and scratching his head. Like this:

"So, uhh, Emma... there's something i kinda wanted to ask you." Michael says. He jerks his head and scratches the back of his head, leading Emma to stare at him funny.

"Sure, go ahead." Emma says.


I admit to not much care much over Emma and Michaels dialogue due to not much reactions while they speak (except the end where the two kiss). Body language and reactions in dialogue goes a long way in making your dialogue more interesting to read.

Overall besides working on the dialogue (both technical and descriptive level), the beginning didn't grab me even though I can see you going for the calm before the strom. I might come back for Chapter Two though to see where you'll go with this, otherwise I wish you luck.
 

Xherdan

Bad at Good Games
362
Posts
8
Years
Thank you for the tips, i'll certainly incorporate them in the next part. The whole "person says" in the end of each phrase annoys me too, because i don't really know how to replace it and it always feels so bland.

Expect Part 2 to be coming in around a week.

unnecessary edit: 300th post, that's bonkers
 
Back
Top