After a long few moments of analyzing every possible code, you finally manage to open the safe with your advanced cyborg technology. Your call for light assistance goes unheard however, until you notice what's inside the safe. Inside is a black suit-clad dwarf, holding in his hand a matchstick as he lights a cigarette. The light from the match replenishes your battery enough to last you one stage longer, thankfully, but as soon as he sees you the dwarf disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving behind only his necktie.
You
OBTAINED ONE FUNKY NECKTIE.
As you open the red-hot door of the safe, a pleasant buttery odor wafts around the room. After peering inside, you see that there is a lovely stack of pancakes sitting in the middle of the chest on a plate, along with melted butter and maple syrup and everything. The heat from your powers must have cooked it to a perfect temperature.
You
OBTAINED ONE STACK OF PANCAKES.
You and Safe-chan enjoy a healthy romantic relationship together and bear many children, and finally it decides to open up to you. Inside is an iron chestplate, which you quickly put on. Your mini safe-children also apparently contain items, an iron helmet and pair of boots respectively. What a reward! As you sit down to tell your new children a bedtime story, you remember that you need to go to Wal-Mart for an indefinite period of time. No time for games, you've got a soul to save.
You
OBTAINED ONE IRON CHESTPLATE, ONE IRON HELMET AND ONE IRON PAIR OF BOOTS.
You manage to get in between the goat and the lashing tentacle just in time before it strikes. Instead, the blue tendril smacks you in the gut, knocking you a few feet away. As you get up, slightly dazed but otherwise unharmed, you notice that the wriggling tentacle is still attached to your stomach, lodged between your fat rolls by the goat's sticky barf. Your act of mentally challenged bravery goes mostly unappreciated by your rectangle-irised companion.
You
OBTAINED ONE LARGE BLUE TENTACLE (STUCK TO YOUR BELLY).
Carl the squirrel is annoyed that you decide to run, being fully aware of your amazing karate abilities that could slay the beast easily. He climbs down your leg and bites your thigh, causing you to trip and fall on your brass knuckles in your pocket, breaking them. Who even keeps brass knuckles in their pockets?
Your box cutter pierces through the blue tentacle as your eliminate it anime-style. You feel the strength of multiple overweight cheeto-fingered weeaboos and top-heavy imaginary pillow girls empower you greatly. You let out a victorious cry in Japanese: "汚れた下着!"
Your
ROLLER SKATING SPEED HAS INCREASED.
You try again and again to freeze and pickaxe your way in, but the metal holds strong. However after a few more tires, your strange and ineffective tactic somehow manages to break the safe... but only the dial. It falls pitifully in front of you with a loud thud. Blarzigord again reminds you that the safe was never heated before, and any visions she sees of other people are mere hallucinations.
You run a few feet away from the tentacle and turn around. It stays in its place, flailing pathetically on the spot. You didn't think a stationary tentacle could actually chase you down, right?
As Djobi the Wooden Paladin of the Tentacled One slashes down on his mighty foe with his fearful switchblade, an exclamation mark appears over his head. CRITICAL HIT! You deal 999 damage to the tentacle and it fades into nothingness. Where it stood are a bunch of golden coins, which you promptly place into your wallet. You do a little dance of victory.
You
OBTAINED 3 GOLD COINS.
None of your shots actually land on the tentacle, the bullet instead all flying in different directions. However as the blue monster approaches, it notices the tentacle you bear yourself, and realizes it must be fighting one of its own comrades. As a show of apology, it hands you a bar of suspicious-looking chocolate. The edges are blue and it smells like onions.
You
OBTAINED ONE SUSPICIOUS CHOCOLATE BAR.
Before you can transform back into your normal size, a massive layer of dirt springs beneath you and hurls your enormous body into the air. After a few frankly terrifying moments, you land back to the ground with a deafening
CRASH, in turn crushing any tentacle which would have appeared to attack you in the meantime.
Your violent solution to this skill-based task pleases blarzigord, and he rewards you with an extremely valuable item which many young mortals seek in this day and age, in this frivolous culture of materialism and consumerism.
You
OBTAINED ONE ePHONE XIII.
The safe teleport in front of you again, you trip over it and get your stupid face covered in mud and dirt.
B̠̬̱L̖̙͈̺͡A̳̺̰G̣͜SHA͍̝̯ͅK͕̘̮̤̞J̶̬̤̲̗͈S̤̪̗̻̱͈̳D̨͇̣̩̳̞ͅN̟̰̞AU͎̜͍͚̟͟ͅH̢SḒJA̶̞̺̰͍͓͔̭B̥̗̠̹A̳͖̠̭
Suddenly, before you can do anything, you disappear into a puff of smoke. You then find yourself in a large sealed room. It's pitch black apart for long, faintly glowing lights running along the floor and ceiling. All arround you a strange dish shaped objects. Each object releasing a delicios aroma. It's enticing, relaxing compared to what you have just endured. Naturally, this doesn't set off any alarm bells. After all, everything else has gone so well. You couldn't possibly be in some strange demonic oven... oh wait.
One by one, the dishes come to life. It suddenly becomes apparent that you're surrounded by an army of pies, each filled with delicious simmering tentacles. The tentacles suddenly shoot out, trying to wrap around you and drag you into the pies. With the oven getting hotter and hotter and the pies trying to swallow you for filling, how will you escape?
