[Pokémon] the search for nido

*i can't put the emoticons on here from deviantart sadly... - https://sta.sh/01dhmi77mq1b *


*here are the characters - https://akarifan25.deviantart.com/art/SFN-search-for-nido-intros-2-721361985 *



chapter 1 - new friends


*this is after nido had been taken*




rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush *outside Cerulean City*

rina: nido-onichan~... :(

a little bit later... a female oddish & a male oddish pass by in the grass... *their names are olina & kusa*


olina then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



olina: wait, kusa!

kusa: huh? what, olina?

olina: come here...

kusa comes over...


olina: look over there

kusa looks


olina: aw... i wonder what's wrong~

kusa: shall we go find out?

olina: um.. do you think we should?


kusa: why not? if we don't, who will


kusa starts to go over to her...


olina: umm...


then rina hears the rustling in the grass...



rina: hm? w- who's there?


rina slowly sniffs around at the grass...


kusa pops out

rina gets a little surprised/scared and jumps behind the small ledge... she pops her head out from behind the ledge


kusa: ^^' ah.. i'm sorry i didn't mean to startle you...

rina: w-who are you?

kusa: i'm kusa & that over there is my friend olina... don't worry about her.. she's a little whatsit sometimes...


rina: m-my name's rina

kusa: nice to meet you, rina

anyway... are you ok? i noticed you were maybe feeling a bit down

rina: oh, well... :(


olina comes over

olina: hello

rina: well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & weezing *names are vipe (F) & zing (M)*

olina: *worry*

rina: nido-onichan~ :(


olina: hello



rina: well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & weezing *names are vipe (F) & zing (M)*

olina: :worries:



rina: nido-onichan~ :(

olina looks at karine, a little worried at hearing this...


rina: thinking 'after i lost my parents as well' :(






rina: we were trying to find a place where the pokemon squad live *sighs*


kusa: the pokemon squad? i've heard of them... it's said that they take care of pokemon who are lost or have no place to go *example.. lost their parents*





rina: :(


rina: do-do you know where their place is located?... what am i saying... i have to rescue my brother first..
but i'm scared


kusa pets rina with her leaf

rina: hmm?


kusa: it's ok, rina... it's ok to be scared sometimes...


olina: *she says this under her breath* that kusa... he always makes friends so quickly.. unlike me.. *miffed at herself.. for some reason*



kusa: you say something, olina?


olina: ah.. oh, nothing


rina smiles a bit

olina: what's so funny, rina?


kusa: there we go... that's the smile i want to see


rina: i'm sorry... you don't get along, do you?


kusa: actually, we're in a good relationship as friends... we just seem to squabble over the littlest things


olina: ^^' i'm sorry, kusa


kusa: i'm sorry too.. i shouldn't have said it like that

olina/kusa: ^^



rina, remembering that she misses her brother...

rina: nido-onichan :(



kusa: ah.. i'm sorry, rina..

rina: it's fine... do you need to be anywhere?


olina: we were just taking a walk

kusa: do you want to come with us?

...
rina: thanks, but i'll be alright here i think


olina: are you sure?


rina: i think so, yeah...


kusa: alright, then.... at least have someone stay with you for a while...

i know... feli? can you come over here, please?


a meowth comes over

kusa: this is feli... she's our friend... feli, this is rina

feli: nice to meet you, rina

rina: ni-nice to meet you

she's a little shy... rina sniffs her...

rina can tell that she's friendly


kusa: can you take care of her? she's feeling a bit sad, cause her brother got kidnapped :(


feli: that's terrible :( *puts her paw on rina's back gently* don't worry, i'll take care of her

rina: :)


olina: ok, rina... feli.. bye bye *waves*


rina & feli wave bye bye


a little bit after that... feli & rina had falled asleep next to each other...


later after that... rina wakes up, stretches... she looks up at the sky...


then a riolu came along, with a vulpix, pidgey, paras & cubone following


she heard something...


rina: sighs.... oni-chan~


riolu: aww.. poor thing... i wonder what's up? wait a sec, that's rina...


she starts to comes over

cubone: w-wait up~



rina hears something

rina gently nudges meowth awake

rina: f-feli, wake up


feli: hmm? what's the matter, rina?


rina: look over there....


feli: hmm? ahhhh!!

feli starts to run away...

rina: please, don't leave me~

feli stops

rina: please?~


feli: but i'm timid sometimes

rina: so am i a little bit... but i need you right now.. please?~


feli looks down thinking...

feli: alright~



riolu comes and kneels down


riolu: hey.. are you ok?

rina: m-my name's rina... hiding behind me is my friend, feli the meowth


riolu: good to meet you, rina... feli too... i'm anpu

she pets rina... a bit shy & nervous, but rina: :)

she pets feli... also a bit shy & nervous, but... :)


rina: hey, wait a minuite.. i remember you...

anpu: really?

rina: yeah, you took care of me & my brother once

anpu: that's right.. it's lovely to see you again

rina hugs anpu ^^


feli: you know this riolu, rina?

rina nods :)


feli: :)



vulpix, pidgey, paras & cubone come over too

vulpix: hello.. i'm henry :)

pidgey: i'm louise :)

paras: i'm polly :).. waving her claw

cubone: i-i'm charlie.. nice to meet you

rina: h-hello... i'm rina... :)

feli: i'm feli.. hello :)

henry & the others nod, smiling...

but charlie, being a bit shy, hides behind anpu

anpu: it's ok, charlie.. she's nice

charlie looks at her & feli..

rina & feli nods


charlie nods

charlie: -kay :)

he comes out a bit...


anpu: so, are you ok? rina?

rina: i- um...... ... my big brother got taken by a serviper & weezing

anpu: oh dear *Worried *


rina: i miss him & want to rescue him... but... i'm scared





anpu Pats her

anpu: There, there, Rina, please don't be sad, I shall help find him



rina: :) would you?

anpu: of course :)

rina: thanks~

rina starts to smile a bit.... feli is happy about this


anpu: You're welcome. Now, do you know where they took him?

rina: umm.. i'm not really sure... :(


anpu: ok, rina... please don't panic... maybe if we continue down the road, we'll find some help to find him

rina: okay~


feli: can i come too, rina?

rina: looks at anpu, asking if she can come


anpu: of course, if you'd like


feli: yay!

rina: thankyou

anpu: :)


anpu looks at henry, louise, polly & charlie

anpu: you guys come too


they nod :)

rina, feli, henry, polly, louise & charlie follows behind as anpu walks down the path







*end of chapter 1*

tsfn chapter 2 - the underground path

chapter 2 - the underground path


https://sta.sh/0ooism8jz0f


as rina, feli, henry, louise, polly, charlie, anpu continue walking along route 5, it started raining

rina: oh no.. it's raining...

feli: i hate rain

rina: me too *trying to cover herself*


henry & louise try to shield rina & feli from the rain with their tail & wing

anpu looks around for something to use... then she notices a bunch of big leaves..


anpu: here, you guys can use these as what people call umbrellas


feli smiles

feli: thankyou~

rina: th-thankyou~

anpu: You're welcome :)

anpu: you guys too..

she hands charlie, polly, louise & henry big leaves

they smile..

rina/feli: :)

they walk on


soon they come to the entrance of Underground Path 5-6


anpu looks at the sign

anpu: it appears we can get to the next route through here

she opens the door

rina & feli goes through the door, with charlie, henry, polly, & louise following.. but not before throwing away their leaves...


anpu too chucks her leaf away...

rina sniffs a bit

charlie: is- is it safe, rina?

she goes down the stairs

rina: yeah, it's safe.. come on..

charlie, henry, polly, louise, feli & anpu follow...

rina runs on ahead a bit

anpu: wait up, rina

rina: hmm?




anpu: stay close, please rina

rina: o-okay

henry: it's fine, anpu... it doesn't look like we can get lost

anpu looks...

anpu: that's true, but still... she's still young...

rina comes back to her..


soon they reach the stairs to the door leading to route 6


anpu: here we are :)

anpu opens the door with rina & the others following...

anpu: hey, the rain's stopped

rina ears twitch happily & feli wags her tail

they walk for a bit... just then, rina looks up... she notices a rainbow

rina: hey, guys, look at that

anpu, feli, henry, louise, polly & charlie looks up at the sky...


feli: ahh~ so pretty~

rina: isn't it? :)


anpu Smiles up at the pretty rainbow

rina: ahh... i'm feeling kinda thirsty now... & a bit hungry

feli: actually, so am i

rina: how are you, guys?

henry, louise, polly, charlie, anpu's stomach rubbles a bit too..

anpu: well, i see a lake over there, you two can have a drink there & i've got some oran berries in my bag

rina & the others: yay!!

rina & feli go over to the lake & have a drink... charlie & the others follow..


......
soon after....

catina: here you go, rina... you too feli


rina: t-thankyou

she takes oran berry & eats

feli: thanks

she takes oran berry & eats

anpu: you guys too

charlie: thankyou

he takes oran berry

polly: thanks

henry thankyou

louise: thanks


anpu eats one too


.....


rina: ahh~ i feel better now~

feli: me too~

charlie, henry, louise & polly nod


anpu: i'm glad...


anpu: look, the sun's setting....


shall we set up camp and sleep here tonight?...


feli: ok

rina, looking not sure

rina: are you sure we should?

feli: why not? are you scared?


rina: well, i.... i'm... i want to rescue my big brother as soon as possible .:Little bunny worried:. *thinking 'yes, i am scared... i don't like the dark*

charlie:...

henry, polly & louise move closer to charlie


anpu kneels down next to rina & strokes her

anpu: don't worry, rina... we'll find and rescue him.. promise


feli: shall we sleep together, rina?

rina: o-ok

they move over to the grass...

anpu finds a large, soft, flat bit of grass...

anpu: rina, feli... come here... you guys too, charlie, henry, polly & louise

rina comes over to her... followed by feli & the others


rina curls up next to her... but she looks up at the stars for a bit...

rina: *thinking* mama... papa... i miss you ....

rina: nido-onichan

anpu pets her head


feli nuzzles against her

rina: :)

henry licks her on the head

.....

rina lies down & goes to sleep

charlie goes to sleep too..

anpu smiles

feli goes to sleep too... so do henry, louise, polly & anpu

...

rina shivers a bit... anpu wakes up..

henry wakes up too... he notices that rina's cold... he puts his tail over her

rina twitches her ears, happily

louise puts her wing over feli

feli wags her tail, happily

anpu: good night, guys


anpu goes back to sleep




*end of chapter 2*

ch 3 - through vermillion city to Route 11

chapter 3 - through vermillion city to Route 11


https://sta.sh/0uj349rbujb


rina wakes up & finds feli, charlie, polly, louise, henry & anpu is awake...

feli: ah, you're awake

anpu: good morning, rina

henry: morning

polly: how are you, rina?

rina: i-i'm alright... really... i'm ok :)

louise: that's good :)

charlie nods... :)


rina yawns

rina gets up... she stretches a bit... & goes to have a drink ....

feli & the others join her ...


a little bit after


rina sits down for a bit

rina sighs

rina: nido-onichan

henry: hey, are you alright, rina?

rina: huh? um..

polly: are you thinking about your brother?

rina: well...

louise: don't worry.. we'll find him..

rina nods...


anpu: hey, are you guys hungry?


henry, polly, louise, charlie & feli nod..

they come over to her, with rina following...


anpu: here you go

they take the sitrus berries



rina sniffs one of them.. she turns her head away from it

rina: i don't really want anything... i feel a bit queasy


feli: maybe you're just hungry... you might feel better if you eat something

she rubs her back


rina, thinking

rina: um... okay....

she picks up the sitrus berry ... she eats it

anpu Looks at her happily

she picks one up too and eats too


after that...


anpu: shall we continue?

rina nods

feli: okay

charlie, henry, polly & louise nod :)


anpu: ok, let's go

rina?

feli: um...

charlie, henry, louise & polly look worred too

feli: a little bit ago, rina dashed off by herself towards that way

anpu: whaa!? we have to find her!

everyone nods

they run off to find her


meanwhile


rina dashes towards route 11... she looks around...


rina: where am i?....

rina, looking a bit nervous.. she walks for a bit more


suddenly, a wild drowzee attacks


rina backs off, a bit scared

drowzee uses shadow ball


rina: h-help!!



henry's ear twitches

he heard this from where they are....

anpu: you heard that, too?

henry: yeah!

feli: rina!

polly: let's go!

they run to where they heard her...




*end of chapter 3*

https://sta.sh/0lfsau0n4ql


chapter 4 - route 11 to 12


feli, anpu & the others find her

feli: rina!


feli: help me, feli!

she dodges out of the way... the shadow ball just slightly missed her


rina: ahh~

feli runs towards drowzee & uses iron tail... it hits


drowzee: ahh~

drowzee goes to use pound... feli uses scratch.. it hits

drowzee: ahh~~

henry uses quick attack.. it hits...

drowzee goes to use pound again

feli & henry growl at him


drowzee runs away


feli, henry & rina sigh


feli: are you ok, rina?

rina: y-yeah


feli: that's good

henry, louise, polly & charlie come over to her...


anpu comes to her..

anpu: you shouldn't have run off by yourself, though, rina!


rina: but, i

feli: *worred*

anpu: what if you'd gotten hurt?


rina: i-i'm sorry

henry: anpu, it's ok... at least, she's alright...

charlie: p-please forgive her...

polly & louise nod in agreement...


anpu sighs

anpu: well, at least you're alright

she pets rina

rina smiles a little

everyone else smiles...


catina: shall we continue, then?

rina nods

rina: ok...

everyone else nod too

they continue to route 12

feli sniffs

rina, looking both ways.. thinking...
rina: um... which way should we go?

anpu: Hmm, the path to route 13 looks nice

feli nods


charlie: that's true.. :)

henry, polly, & louise nod...

rina walks towards the way of route 13

rina: yeah... let's go route 13


feli: please wait for us, rina

rina slowly nods


anpu: ok, let's go


they start walking down route 12







*end of chapter 4*

https://sta.sh/01a5ghcr2z5h

chapter 5 - the battle on route 13


as they walk route 12,

feli: :)

she's feeling the wind on her wiskers

rina too :)

anpu & the others smiles


soon, they reach route 13...


just then a rattata jumps out of the bushes...


rattata: hey there.. i'm tatta... do one of you want to battle? i was taking a walk & then i was kinda itching for one


rina: huh? um...

rina hides behind anpu...


henry: ok.. i'll have a battle with you...



rina, looking worried

anpu looks at rina...

anpu: don't worry, rina... we'll continue after this, ok?


henry: that's right, rina :)


rina: ok...


feli, louise, polly, charlie & anpu smile


....

polly: i'll be the ref, then..


rattata & henry get ready


polly: are you ready?


henry: ready...

rattata: i'm ready too...


anpu: go, henry!


tatta: ra-ttata!

tatta uses quick attack

Henry leaps out of the way and uses flamethrower

flamethrower hits rattata and almost knocks her out

tatta: raa!~


charlie: don't give up, henry~


tatta uses hyper fang

tatta: ratta~

she rushes towards henry


henry: Vul!

His eyes glow with confuse ray

tatta tries not to look at it, but it was too late...

tatta: rattataa~ *she's confused*


anpu: nice, henry


henry: :)


tatta shakes it off a bit & tries and goes towards vulpix using tackle

henry: Vul! Pix!

he Charges at the Ratatta with quick attack


tatta, still a bit confused, can't see straight.... but she stops for a bit & shakes it off... then proceds to dodge & use hyper fang... it hits henry

henry: ahh~


anpu: henry, are you ok?

henry: y-yeah~

henry uses quick attack... it hits...

tatta: raa!~

tatta faints

ref polly: rattata is unable to battle... henry wins


henry: yay!!

louise: Woohoo, good job, Henry!

Henry Smiles modestly


rattata wakes up..

rattata shakes her head a bit...

henry: are you alright, tatta?

tatta: yeah, i'm alright...


henry: that's good

he smiles


henry: nice battling, tatta..

tatta smiles...

tatta: you too, henry

henry smiles...


everyone smiles too


rina then pawed at anpu's leg

polly, louise & charlie looks at her


anpu: ok, rina...

excuse me, tatta... If I may ask, have you seen a male Nidoran wearing a black belt around his head pass by here?

tatta: hmm...a male nidoran?


rina: *worried*

tatta: no, i haven't... i'm sorry ..

rina: :(

henry, polly, louise, charlie & feli look at her, worried


anpu Gently pets Rina's Head

anpu: don't worry, rina, we'll find him

feli licks her gently


tatta: oh, but i saw a fearow go by...


Upon hearing this, anpu gets worried, thinking this could only mean one thing


anpu: If I may ask, tatta, did you see which direction it was going?

tatta: actually, i saw them go towards the sevi islands's one island... i heard they were going back to their base


anpu: Thank you, tatta

A determined look crosses her face

anpu: bye rattata...


rattata: bye bye... i'm going to head back to the pokemon squad home :)

anpu: ok... bye

tatta makes her way back



anpu & the others walk towards fushia city









*end of chapter 5*

Hey there! So I went ahead and merged your threads together because the rules state you have one thread for a story with longer chapters:

Everything Belongs in One Thread:
Do not create a separate thread for each chapter. Simply post your update as a reply in your thread, and you're good to go. This place would get messy, fast, if everyone was posting individual chapters. So, to keep everything nice and organized, please post all chapters and updates in one, convenient, thread.

Click to expand...

With that out of the way, I thought I would drop by to give some advice too. I admit I only checked the first chapter, but from looking your other chapters I'll be honest there's a lot that you can improve on. I don't want to overwhelm you too much, so I'll try to only mention a few things first.

So it seems like you're going for script form, which while not against the rules what you have here doesn't have much substance and why I'm sort of confused what's going on. For instance, you have the emoticons and *(name of place)* when you could've have written more description instead.

rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush *outside Cerulean City*

rina: nido-onichan~... :sad:

a little bit later... a female oddish & a male oddish pass by in the grass... *their names are olina & kusa*


olina then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



olina: wait, kusa!

kusa: huh? what, olina?

olina: come here...

kusa comes over...

Click to expand...

So, instead of having this in script form, I would advise you to have it in prose and more description and reactions. Like this:

Rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush outside Cerulean City.

"Nido-onichan," Rina cried out. When there was no response, a frown tugged onto the corners of her mouth. She kept walking.

A little bit later, a female and male oddish, Olina and Kusa, passed by the grass. Olina noticed Rina looking sad.

"Wait, Kusa!" Olina screamed, causing Kusa to stop and stared at her in confusion.

"Huh? What, Olina?"

"Come here!" Olina jumped a few times in frustration, and that made Kusa come over.

Click to expand...

Okay, I admit I probably went a bit overboard rewriting here oops. But I wanted to show you a bit how you can incorporate emotions onto your characters more instead of just using smilies/emoticons.

I highly recommend reading some fanfics here and published books to see how other writers described settings and emotions. If there's any other questions you have, let me know!

tsfn prologue chapter 1 - rina and nido's birthday - preps


https://akarifan25.deviantart.com/journal/tsfn-prologue-ch1-rina-and-nido-s-birthday-preps-719708269




*quite a while ago... it was rina & nido's birthday... way before nido was taken... & before ri & ni had evolve*





rina & nido:

ri: hey, ni... they're still sleeping... so how about we go look for a birthday present for them...

ni nods...

ri: i really should leave someone with them, though...

ni, looking a bit worried too, actually..

ni: hmm.. you're right


mama ri goes to over to rina & nido...

she gently strokes rina & nido's head


rina & nido:




just then, a riolu, flaaffy & furret walked past... *their names are Anpu, moko & brownie*


ri: hey, you guys...

riolu: um?..

ri: i'm ri the nidoran & this is ni the nidoran...

ni: hi


riolu: i'm anpu

flaaffy: i'm moko.. hello

furret: i'm brownie.. hi


ni: nice to meet you... um... can i ask a favor?

moko: sure...

they come over...

ni: um... it's their birthday today... they asleep right now, over there...

she points to them,

they look to where she pointed...

moko: aww... such sweethearts ..

brownie: yeah


ri: ... we want to go & look for something... can you, maybe take care of them for a while?

ri: are you guys any good with kids?

Anpu: um..

moko: i guess so...

brownie: ok, we'll help you out...

anpu nods


ri: thanks, guys

they nod



ri: let's go, ni

ni nods...

they set out...


a bit after....


ri: ok, ni... what should we look for?

ni: hmm... how about anything that we think that they'll like?

ri: ok... let's start looking

ni nods...


ri goes left & ni goes right...


meanwhile...


rina & nido wake up...

rina: hmm?

anpu: oh.. you're awake

nido: who are you? where's mom & dad?

rina:

rina, looking nervous... droops her ears a bit...


moko: i'm moko & this is brownie & anpu

brownie & anpu smile



moko: don't worry... your mom & dad have just gone out for a bit...

brownie: they said they won't be long... they asked us to look after you...

anpu: it's your birthday, isn't it..


rina, but still a bit nervous, brightens...

rina: yeah...

nido: that's right


anpu: you want to play together with me, until they get back?


rina: yeah! yeah!

nido nods


meanwhile...

ri sees something..


rina: hey, ni..

ni: yeah?

ri: i think rina will like this, don't you?

she shows it to him... it was a yellow starpiece on a red string...


ni: yeah, i really think she would.. i know she likes pretty things


ni: oh... hey, how about this for nido?

he shows her a black belt

ri: yeah [/IMG] i think he'd like that


ni: :)


ri: i think we should find some berries, for the birthday party

ni: that's a good idea.. let's go...

ri nods

they go to find some berries...



meanwhile...


anpu: so, what shall we play?

nido:

rina: ohh ohh... i wanna play jump rope ~

nido: jump rope?

anpu: ohh, that sounds fun

nido: yeah actually, it does


anpu: ok

moko: we'll need a vine or something..

brownie looks around for one..

brownie: ohh, i see one..

she picks it up & brings it over..

brownie: it's a nice long vine, too

anpu, rina & nido: great

moko:
...

moko & brownie take both ends of the vine...

rina, nido & anpu are in the middle of the vine..

moko: are you ready?

rina, nido & anpu: yeah


moko: ok.. ready, brownie?

brownie: yeah


moko: ok... here we go...
....

nido, rina, anpu, moko & brownie: teddiursa, teddiursa, turn around,

teddiursa, teddiursa, touch the ground,

teddiursa, teddiursa, show your paw, teddiursa, teddiursa, that will do!

...
meanwhile...


ri: hey, ni... i see alot of nice berries over here...

ni: you're right... i see oran, sitrus, nanab, cheri, bluk, magost, pecha, rawst, razz, watmel, wepear, apricot & mago berries


ri: which ones should we take back, i wonder...

ni:


just then, they see a female squirtle come over to the berry plants... *her name is mizuko*, followed by a female totodile, a pink frillish, a latias, female azumaril, illumise & a female chikorita *their names are laiko, puru, aero, snowdrop, mi & flora* *aero, mi & flora have a psyduck watering can*


mizuko & laiko both water gun to water the berry plants

ri & ni watch in awe A


puru & snowdrop gently use aqua tail & water pulse to water the plants too

aero, mi & konoha use their psyduck watering cans to water the plants too


ri & ni:
...


ri: um.. hello?



mizuko: hmm? oh, hello..

ri: do you guys work here?

puru: well, not exactly... we just come every now & then to water the plants...

ri: that's great


mizuko: yeah

laiko: so, what's up?


ni: we're looking for berries for our son & daughter's birthday

puru: really?

mi & aero:

snowdrop: that's lovely

flora:


ri: is it ok if we pick a few?

mizuko: sure

ri: thankyou

ni: which ones do you recommend?

laiko: hmm... how about a couple of each plant?

ri: yeah, that sounds good :) you really don't mind?


mizuko: no problem


ri: you wouldn't mind helping us, would you? i don't think we can carry them all back by ourselves


laiko: we'd be happy to help

mizuko nods

ri: thanks a lot

they go to pick a couple of each of the berry plants...

ri: first the oran berries?


puru: i'll get a basket for them

ni: good idea
....

puru: i've have it...

ri: great

mizuko picks about 6 oran berries & puts them in the basket

ni: next up: sitrus berries

mizuko nods

mizuko: laiko, you help too, ok?

laiko: okay

she comes over to help

laiko picks about 6 sitrus berries & puts them in the basket

ri: now for the nanab berries

mi comes over & helps too

mi: i want to help as well

ri: yes, please

mizuko, laiko, puru & mi nod

mi goes to pick about 6 nanab berries & puts them in the basket

mi: there we go

ri & ni nod


ni: alright, now for cheri berries

aero: can i, snowdrop & flora help too


ri: sure

mizuko, mi, laiko, puru & ni nod

mizuko: ok, snowdrop, you pick some nanab berries, aero, can you pick some bluk berries? & flora, can use pick some pecha berries?


snowdrop, aero & flora nod


snowdrop goes & picks about 6 nanab berries & puts them in the basket

aero goes & picks about 6 bluk berries & puts them in the basket

& flora goes & picks about 6 pecha berries & puts them in the basket



ri: great


mizuko: ok, aero, pick some magost berries... snowdrop, pick some rawst berries & mi, help flora pick some razz berries, ok?

laiko & puru, help me pick some watmel berries, ok?

aero, snowdrop, flora & mi: ok

laiko: ok, we'll help you, mizuko

puru nods


ri: ni, help me pick some wepear, apricot & mago berries, ok?

ni: sure

ri & ni goes & picks about 6 wepear & apricot berries & puts them in the basket


mizuko, laiko, puru, aero, snowdrop, mi & flora go & pick about 6 magost, rawst, razz & watmel berries & puts them in the basket too...


ri: that's everything

ni nods


ri: thanks for all your help, you guys


mizuko nods


flora: say, can we go back with you? i think i'd like to see your little kids

snowdrop: oh yes, can we?

mizuko: that'd be nice... besides.. i think the berry plants will be alright now that they're watered...


ri: okay

ni nods


laiko & aero: thanks

mi & flora: yay

mizuko: thanks

flora tries to lift the basket


flora: uff... this basket is a bit heavy to carry...

i mean... mizuko, try & lift it...


mizuko: hmmm?

she tries to lift the basket..

mizuko: uff... you're right.. it is quite heavy... what do we do?


mi: hmm... how about putting a bunch of them from this basket into 2 more baskets?

mizuko: that might work, actually...let's try it

puru, would you get a couple of baskets for us?


puru: ok...

snowdrop: i'll help her

puru: thanks

...

puru: we've got them

snowdrop:


mizuko nods

laiko: let's try slowly pouring them into one basket at a time


mi: ok

ri: yeah

they slowly pour some of the berries into a basket

ni: hey, that worked...

ri: yay!


flora: ok... actually, i don't think we'll need the other basket now... these 2 baskets look just fine now :)

laiko: you're right.. they do


ri: shall we try again, then?


flora: yeah

flora tries & picks up a basket with her vine whips..

flora: hey, it's lighter now


ri: alright!

ni: that's great




ri: shall we head back, then?

ni: yeah


they head back to their nest place...






*end of prologue chapter 1*

updated chapters :3 - *note: i do it like this cause i'm not great at writing like other fanfics *



prologue - the capture


*this is way after their birthday*



a year later....



as nido & rina walk along, trying to find the place where the pokemon squad live...

rina sighs...

nido: come on, rina

rina: i'm sorry, nido....

rina walks towards him...

nido: it's alright, rina...

they continue walking...

meanwhile...



serviper & carnivine walk along

then they notice rina & nido... they go and hide in the bushes


they move slowly... & then serviper,

he steps on a stick...

carnivine: be careful, serviper, they'll hear us


nido hears this & looks up....

rina shortly after notices too...

serviper: oh great....

rina:

nido:

serviper: oh well...

serviper: you're ours, nidoran!



rina & nido back away a little... then they start to run


before too long, serviper catches up to them

nido pushes rina outta the way... he too tries to jump out of the way... but he gets caught... in serviper's tail

rina looks at him....


nido:

carnivine: oh, shoot, we only caught one~


serviper looks to rina

rina, a bit scared, backs off

nido: ahh! rina!... think, nido, think... ahh...

nido bites serviper's tail


serviper: ahhh!!

she lets go off him


nido drops to the ground

nido: uff!

rina: b-big bro, are you alright?

nido: y-yeah, i'm alright~


nido protects rina

nido uses poison sting on serviper & carnivine

serviper & carnivine: ahhh!!

nido: rina, are you alright? rina?

rina: i-i think so, but i'm scared

nido: it'll be alright, rina..

rina just sits there, scared

nido looks at serviper & carnivine

just then, a chatot named pera comes flying by..

nido sees her


nido: hey.. hey, pera! is that you? down here! can you help us, please?

pera: hmm?

she comes down to them & stops close to them


nido: hey, pera, can you help us please?

rina: p-please?

pera: ok

nido: rina, come on...

rina: al-alright~

rina comes over to nido & slowly goes into the hole



pera looks at serviper & carnivine

she uses fury attack on them

serviper & carnivine:

pera: yes!.... eh? uh oh!

serviper & carnivine:

they dash towards them..

pera dodges out of the way...

but then...

serviper keeps going.. towards rina & nido

rina:

pera: rina, nido, look out!

rina:

out of instinct, *and what she learnt from tuti the nincada*, she uses fury swipes

serviper & carnivine: ahh!

pera: nice, rina

nido: that's my sis

rina: huh?

serviper & carnivine:

rina:

nido:

he uses rock smash on them

serviper & carnivine:

rina: thanks, nido~

nido nods


nido: let's go!

pera: ok!

rina: al-alright...


they move on, again.....

carnivine:

he uses vine whip to grab them

nido's ear twitches

he turns around..

nido:

look out, rina!

rina: ahh! nido!


carnivine: oh, shoot, i only caught one~


serviper looks to rina

rina, a bit scared, backs off

nido: pera, protect rina...


pera nods & protects her

nido: please get away, you two!

rina: but...

nido: please, rina, it'll be alright... you two get away!

rina shakes her head a bit

pera: it'll be alright, i'll protect you

rina looks at her, then at nido

nido: go on, it'll be alright

rina: al-alright

pera: come on, rina

rina: o-ok...


they leave


serviper: wait!

pera: no you don't!

she uses fury attack on her...

serviper:

she follows her & ducks into a bush



serviper: ah, she's not worth the trouble anyway, right now... let's go

canivine: fearow!

fearow comes

fearow: i'm here

seviper & carnivine get on her & they leave


nido: rina~


rina looks out from the bush...

rina: nido-oni-chan~

pera: i'll protect you...

rina nods

pera: let's go, then..

rina nods

they continue on




rina looks up while walking with pera & sees fearow with carni & vipe on her back with nido

rina wipes her eyes with her paw

rina: i'll get you back... i promise



*end of prologue*

the search for nido chapter 1 - old friends




rina walked for a bit, with pera flying beside her, before resting on the grass after walking through a bush outside Cerulean City

rina: nido-onichan~...

pera: it'll be alright, rina~


a little bit later... a jolteon & a sylveon pass by in the grass... *their names are accella & luvena*


accella then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



accella: wait, luvena!

luvena: huh? what, accella?

accella: come here...

luvena comes over...


accella: look over there

luvena looks

luvena: it's rina & pera


luvena: aw... i wonder what's wrong~

accella: shall we go find out?

luvena: yeah

luvena starts to go over to her...

accella follows



then rina hears the rustling in the grass...



rina: hm? w- who's there?


rina slowly sniffs around at the grass...

pera: what's up, rina?


accella & luvena pops out

rina gets a little surprised/scared and jumps behind the small ledge... she pops her head out from behind the ledge

pera: rina?


accella: ^^' ah.. i'm sorry we didn't mean to startle you...

pera: hi, luvena, hi, accella

accella: hi, rina


rina: oh, it's you, luvena... accella...


luvena: ... are you ok? i noticed you were maybe feeling a bit down

rina: oh, well... .. well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & carnivine

luvena:

rina: nido-onichan~

luvena looks at accella, a little worried at hearing this...

rina: thinking 'after i lost my parents as well'

rina:

pera puts her wing on rina's back

rina: i have to rescue my brother.. but i'm scared

luvena pets rina on her head

rina: hmm?


luvena: it's ok, rina... it's ok to be scared sometimes...


accella: scaredy cat...

rina:

luvena looks at rina

she comforts her

luvena: accella, don't be mean

pera:

accella: ^^'... i'm sorry, rina *she doesn't mean to be mean*


rina looks at him

accella:

rina: ok, i- i forgive you..

accella, luvena & pera smile


rina, remembering that she misses her brother...

rina: nido-onichan

luvena: it'll be alright, rina

she strokes her

pera nods


luvena: we were taking a walk

accella: do you want to come with us?

...
rina: thanks, but i'll be alright here, with pera i think


luvena: are you sure?


rina: i think so, yeah...

pera: i'm with her, don't worry


luvena: alright, then.... at least have someone else stay with you as well, for a while...

i know... brownie? can you come over here, please?

brownie: um? yes?

brownie then notices rina..

brownie: hey, it's rina..

brownie comes over

pera: hi, brownie

brownie: hi ^^

rina: hi, brownie

rina hugs her

pera smiles

luvena: can you take care of her? she's feeling a bit sad, cause her brother got taken

brownie: what? nido got taken... that's terrible

she puts her paw on rina's back gently

brownie: don't worry, i'll take care of her

rina:

pera: me too...


luvena: ok, rina... brownie.. bye bye

accella: bye...


rina & brownie wave bye bye


a little bit after that... brownie, rina & pera had falled asleep next to each other...


later after that... rina wakes up, stretches... she looks up at the sky...


then a flaaffy came along, going for a walk


she heard something...


rina: sighs.... oni-chan~


flaaffy: aww.. poor thing... i wonder what's up? wait a sec, that's rina... & brownie... pera too


she starts to comes over



rina hears something

rina gently nudges brownie & pera awake

rina: brownie, wake up


brownie: hmm?

pera: what's the matter, rina?




rina: look over there....

brownie: hmm? hang on, that's moko

pera: it's moko


moko comes and kneels down


moko: hey, rina, brownie, pera.. how are you?


rina: hi, moko

rina hugs her

she pets rina...

brownie & pera:

moko: what are you doing out here, rina?

rina: well, i...

moko: are you ok? rina?

rina: i- um...... ... my big brother got taken by a serviper & carnivine

moko: oh dear

brownie & pera:

rina: i miss him & want to rescue him... but... i'm scared


moko Pats her

moko: There, there, Rina, don't be scared, I'll help find him

rina: would you?

moko: of course

moko: of course

rina: thanks~

rina starts to smile a bit.... brownie & pera are happy about this


moko: You're welcome. Now, do you know where they took him?

rina: umm.. i'm not really sure... https://orig00.deviantart.net/4495/f/2016/070/8/8/sad_cutecookies_mascot_by_eevee03tv-d89tci3.gif

moko: ok, rina... don't worry... maybe if we continue down the road, we'll find some help to find him

rina: okay~


brownie: can i come too, rina, moko?

pera: me too

rina looks at moko, asking if they can come


moko: of course, you're our friends, after all


brownie & pera: yay!

rina: thankyou

moko:

rina, brownie & pera follow behind as moko walks down the path







*end of chapter 1*

chapter 2 - the underground path




as rina, brownie, pera & moko continue walking along route 5, it started raining

rina: oh no.. it's raining... *trying to cover herself*

brownie & pera try to shield rina from the rain with their tail & wing


moko looks around for something to use... then she notices a bunch of big leaves..

moko: here, you guys can use these as what people call umbrellas

rina: th-thankyou, moko~

moko: You're welcome

rina:

they walk on

soon they come to the entrance of Underground Path 5-6

moko looks at the sign

moko: it appears we can get to the next route through here

she opens the door

rina & brownie goes through the door, with pera following.. but not before throwing away their leaves...

moko too chucks her leaf away...

rina sniffs a bit

pera: is it safe, rina?

she goes down the stairs

rina: yeah, it's safe.. come on..

pera, brownie & moko follow...

rina runs on ahead a bit

moko: wait up, rina

rina: hmm?

moko: stay close, please rina

rina: o-okay

pera: it's fine, moko... it doesn't look like we can get lost

moko looks...

moko: that's true, but still... she's still young...

rina comes back to her..


soon they reach the stairs to the door leading to route 6

moko: here we are

moko opens the door with rina & the others following...

moko: hey, the rain's stopped

rina:

they walk for a bit... just then, rina looks up... she notices a rainbow

rina: hey, look at that

moko, brownie & pera looks up at the sky...

brownie: ahh~ so pretty~

rina: isn't it? ^^

moko Smiles up at the pretty rainbow

rina: ahh... i'm feeling kinda thirsty now... & a bit hungry

brownie: actually, so am i

rina: how are you, guys?

pera & moko's stomach rubbles a bit too..

moko: well, i see a lake over there, you two can have a drink there & i've got some oran berries in my bag

rina & the others: yay!!


rina & brownie go over to the lake & have a drink... moko & pera follow..


...... rina:

brownie:

pera:

moko:

......
soon after....

moko: here you go, rina... you too brownie

rina: t-thankyou *takes oran berry & eats*

brownie: thanks *takes oran berry & eats*

moko: you too, pera

pera: thanks, moko *takes oran berry & eats*

moko eats one too

.....


rina: ahh~ i feel better now~

brownie: me too~

pera: me too ^^

moko: i'm glad

moko: look, the sun's setting.... shall we set up camp and sleep here tonight?...


brownie: ok

rina, looking not sure

rina: are you sure we should?

brownie: why not?


rina: well, i.... i'm... i want to rescue my big brother as soon as possible *thinking 'i am scared... i don't like the dark

pera moves closer to rina

pera: are you scared of the dark?


rina: well... i...

she turns her head to the side...

moko kneels down next to rina & strokes her

don't worry, rina... we're here


pera: we'll find and rescue him.. promise


brownie: shall we sleep together, rina?

rina: o-ok

they move over to the grass...

moko finds a large, soft, flat bit of grass...

moko: rina, brownie... come here...

rina comes over to her... followed by brownie

holding her buneary plush, she lies down


moko: i'll use my flash move for you, rina


rina: th-thankyou, moko...


she lights up her tail, using flash


rina curls up next to her... but she looks up at the stars for a bit...

rina, thinking* mama... papa... i miss you .... nido-onichan

moko, to rina:

rina, to moko:

brownie nuzzles against her

rina:


.....

rina lies down & goes to sleep


moko smiles

brownie goes to sleep too... so does moko

pera goes to sleep too

...

rina shivers a bit... moko wakes up..

brownie wakes up too... she notices that rina's cold... she puts her tail over her

rina twitches her ears, happily

moko: good night, guys


moko goes back to sleep




*end of chapter 2*

special chapter 2 - the dream


*this comes after the main stories chapter 2*



rina, moko, brownie & pera 's sleeping...

then rina has a dream



...
one day, rina, nido, mama ri & papa ni were taking a walk

rina, walking next to mama nidoran...

then... she, being happy, ran ahead.. & bumped into something...

rina: ow~...


mama, papa, & nido came to her

mama: are you ok, rina?

rina: y-yeah


papa ni: be careful, ok?

rina: ok

mama, papa & nido smiles


then... a wild rhydon, golem & Graveler came out of the bushes...


....


rhydon: hey... who bumped into me?!


rina, a bit scared, backs off

mama ri: who are you?

rhydon: i'm don, & this is gol & veler


rina: i... i'm sorry... i didn't mean to

don roars

...
rina murmurs...
...

back in the dream...


rina starts crying & runs away to mama ri...


we were scared... i was the most...

mama ri & papa ni tried to protect us for while from the leader - rhyhorn before mama ri used ice beam on him...

she held on for a while...

papa ni used horn attack...

he too held on for a while


then he sent over golem & graveler towards us & shrugged mama & papa off

mama ri: look out!


we were scared.. but big bro nido started growling at them... they was unimpressed...

rina: mama, papa, help!~


mama ri got up and came towards with double kick... it did minimal damage...



graveler knocked mama out of the way.. then rhydon and golem looked over at us...


we backed away a bit... he & golem proceded to use rollout and mega horn towards us *rina & nido*....


rina! nido! said mama.... she got in the way of their attacks....


mama: ahhh!!

rina: mama!

nido: mom!

....

rina: *mmm-mama, papa~*

...
back in dream


i ran over to mama... rina: mama, are you ok? *nuzzling her*

mama: ahhh~ i think so, sweetie

papa nidoran looked over at them......

papa nidoran: golem, rhydon, *growls*... you rotten cheats!


papa nidoran used horn attack on golem... & then precended to use it again on graveler


it was slightly effective... but graveler knocked him away using mega punch....


papa: ahh~


rina: papa~

papa nidoran: i'm alright, rina~.. it'll take a lot more then that~


golem pointed to us... graveler nodded....


me & nido back off a bit



....................


rina/nido: help!!!~


mama nidoran: rina! nido!

papa nidoran: let them go, right now!


rhyhorn: um... no

golem used rock blast against mama... it knocked her out...

rina: mama!~ nido: mom!


papa nidoran: why you little!

gets up & uses double kick... it makes contact a little bit... but golem knocks him out the way with Double-Edge


papa: ahhh~


rina: papa~!


just then... a chikorita came along while on a walk *her name is flora*


flora: uh oh, what's going on?!

she runs over


rina: ah... y-you there... oh, nido, it's our friend... it's flora....

flora: what's going on?!


she takes a deep breath

rina: please help us!!

flora: right!!

she rushes over and knocks graveler off of rina & nido using tackle


papa nidoran: oh, thank goodness, you're here...


flora nods


papa nidoran: these guys are tough



flora looks at golem & the other two

she uses razor leaf on them... it hit and was effective


papa nidoran got up a bit and used strength on them as well... it was effective


golem: forget it... i give up

rhydon: everyone, let's get outta here now!

......

...

rina started crying a bit

....

back in dream...



I rushed over to mama & nido rushed over to papa

rina: mama?
.....

mama... she stopped breathing~


nido: dad! please get up... say something!

papa nidoran: papa nidoran: rina.. nido... please go home to the pokemon squad house... you'll be safe there...




flora: ah, if that's the case, i'll go tell them that you're coming back

she leaves to let them know


papa nidoran: okay~ thanks, flora~

....


papa nidoran: rina, nido, please go..


nido: what?! no~


rina: i don't want to leave you two...

papa nidoran: please.... i don't have the strength... i've taken to much damage from those attacks... please go~


papa nidoran.. please do your best to protect your sister... i know you can do it...


nido: alright, dad, i'll do my best *nuzzling him*

...

moko hears her

rina:

moko: rina? hey, are you ok? ...

moko shakes her gently

moko: hey, wake up, rina!

...

back in dream..


papa nidoran: i know you will... we love you both... *silence*

rina: mama~ papa~ *rina still nuzzling mama nidoran*

nido tearing: come on, rina... let's go home

rina: but, i..... o, ok~

...

rina wakes up..

rina looks around...

rina:


...

moko: ... are you alright, rina? what's the matter?

rina: i-i had a bad dream

moko: aww! i'm sorry... come here


moko hugs her

rina hugs moko...

moko: try and go back to sleep, rina..

moko strokes her head, gently..

rina: h-hmm~

...

... she cuddles up to moko, hugging her mini buneary plushie, going back to sleep

moko looks at her ... stroking her...

moko goes back to sleep too






*end of special chapter 2*














more updated chapters coming soon

Bay said:

Hey there! So I went ahead and merged your threads together because the rules state you have one thread for a story with longer chapters:



With that out of the way, I thought I would drop by to give some advice too. I admit I only checked the first chapter, but from looking your other chapters I'll be honest there's a lot that you can improve on. I don't want to overwhelm you too much, so I'll try to only mention a few things first.

So it seems like you're going for script form, which while not against the rules what you have here doesn't have much substance and why I'm sort of confused what's going on. For instance, you have the emoticons and *(name of place)* when you could've have written more description instead.



So, instead of having this in script form, I would advise you to have it in prose and more description and reactions. Like this:



Okay, I admit I probably went a bit overboard rewriting here oops. But I wanted to show you a bit how you can incorporate emotions onto your characters more instead of just using smilies/emoticons.

I highly recommend reading some fanfics here and published books to see how other writers described settings and emotions. If there's any other questions you have, let me know!

Click to expand...

hi :3

i've posted some of my updated chapters on this thread :3

All right, so usually I don't do this because I want to give new writers a chance to improve, but you've written several chapters/parts after I gave out some pointers and you've made no improvements at all. Also, there are a couple rules I want to point to your attention:

Make Your Story Readable:
This means to follow the English grammar rules to the best of your ability. No one expects you to have a perfect story, but if the story is filled with tons of mistakes that clearly shows you didn't proofread or put any real thought into it, your story will be closed. Let your story or chapter sit for a day before you proofread it and upload it.

Click to expand...

Only Well Written Script Fics Are Allowed:
Script fics are commonly seen as an easier way to write a story. Unless you script fic is more than just dialogue, it will be closed. It's okay if you use the script format for dialogue, but please include narration and description.

Click to expand...

So what I can tell you didn't make any effort to clean up the basic grammar stuff, and instead of improving your prose you continue to have images/smilies replace words and dialogue without emoiton. So yeah, gonna have to close this.

Before I leave, concerning your "my fic not as good as other fanfics" comment, that's totally fine. For instance, I've written for more than 10 years and I still think my writing is medicore and reaches the bare mininum. But yeah, I would seriously go and read the fanfics here and/or published novels and pay attention how basic prose is written before attempting to post anyother story again. Doesn't have to be Shakesphere or anything, or even to the example I gave earlier, but just enough for me to know that I can imagine what is going on through your words and not pictures/images. Wish you luck, and if you have any more questiosn let me know!