Fan Fiction and Writing Have a story you want to share? Or in the mood to sit back and read one, instead? Then come hang out here!

View Poll Results: How is this?
5/5: Top-notch! 0 0%
4/5: Great 2 100.00%
3/5: Okay, but better 0 0%
2/5: Ehh, i've read worse 0 0%
1/5: This is terrible! 0 0%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old March 7th, 2017 (3:47 PM). Edited March 19th, 2017 by Rick Gastly.
Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
Memes Straight Outta 2007
     
    Join Date: Sep 2016
    Location: Lavender Town
    Age: 15
    Gender: Male
    Posts: 75
    A fanfiction i've created, inspired by a dream i've had. All the characters are based on people in my life, but the names are changed. For example, the main protagonist is based on me.

    In a town known as Eastridge, things are humble and quiet. However, a virus has arisen that threatens to change the balance of the whole community, and possibly the whole world. And three brothers in a rock band are among the victims. Work in progress, currently up to Chapter 5. They are already on Fanfiction.net and I will repost them here, Chapter 6 on will be posted here and Fanfiction together.


    Here's the first chapter:

    Chapter One: Living In The Limelight
    NOTE: I DO NOT OWN POKEMON, IT'S ALL COPYRIGHT NINTENDO, GAME FREAK, THE POKEMON COMPANY INTERNATIONAL, etc.

    The lights went dark inside the Eastridge Theater, and all was silent, Then, a quiet synth drone began to fill the theater, growing in volume as smoke covered the stage. A sillouette of a man started playing a slow, atmospheric synth melody, with chimes and atmospheric guitar joining in as the intensity began to build and build. Snatches of melody started coming through, such as the familiar synth opening to "Shine on You Crazy Diamond". Then, finally, a guitar started playing an epic, slow riff, before the drums and wooshing synths kicked in, and the stage lights went on, revealing 4 teenagers on their instruments, as they launched into a blistering version of Rush's "Xanadu".

    And one of those four teenagers, the lead vocalist and keyboardist, is me: Tom Franks. I'm 15 years old, and me and my two brothers, Scott, my older brother, and Matt, my younger brother, are in a band entitled Cygnus X-2. As you can guess by the name, we're a Rush cover band predominantly, but we play other music too, such as Queensryche. We play a rotating setlist, never the same on every night. Scott plays guitar, Matt plays drums, and a friend named Dan Allan plays bass. We have recieved local popularity due to my strong voice and our instrumental skills, and after winning a High School talent contest we started getting concerts in small clubs and theaters. We live in the town of Eastridge in New York, 'MURICA!

    After "Xanadu" finished I gave my customary opening speech. "HOW YA DOING TONIGHT, EASTRIDGE?" I screamed out, an army of cheers in response. "We have a lot of great stuff for you to do tonight, and we'd like to keep things up with a song about the current state of politics." Laughter in response. "This is The Big Money".

    That night, "Xanadu" and "The Big Money" would be the start of a ripping set of Rush classics and deep cuts. "Subdivisions", "Mystic Rhythms", "Something For Nothing", "Secret Touch", "Anthem", and "The Spirit of Radio" would play in the first set, as well as a couple of songs by another band, Queensryche, with "Revolution Calling" and "Operation: Mindcrime" getting play, as well as "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zeppelin, and we'd close out set 1 with a firey version of "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath. The second set would open with "One Little Victory" before going through a softer set, consisting of Queensryche's "No Sanctuary", Elton John's "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" and Rush's "Resist". We'd close out the set with epic upon epic. "Natural Science", followed by "By-Tor And The Snow Dog", followed by "Cygnus X-1", followed by "Hemispheres" followed by "Working Man", with an encore of "2112" sending things off. My voice was in top form tonight, as I belted out all the notes with no trouble, except a few cracks. And many songs had their own unique twist. At the end of the "Big Money" we'd interpolate a bit of The Who's "I Can't Explain", for example, and most of the instrumental jams would be significantly extended, some adding up to 10 minutes extra. Several songs would be played a half-step higher, since I feel it makes them sound better. Clips of Sonic The Hedgehog, Pokemon, and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic (yep) would be synched up to the songs.

    After the explosive "2112" end, I yelled out "THANK YOU EVERYBODY, GOODNIGHT!" and the show came to a close.

    Backstage, we started chatting about how we did.

    "So, what do you think?" I said.

    "We were great tonight. However you cracked really bad on the ending note of "The Spirit of Radio". said Scott.

    "Oh yeah. Thanks, Obama!" I said in response.

    "Um, you know" Matt said, "Obama's not president anymore. Those jokes are kinda getting old".

    "He's still in my heart" I replied back.

    Our parents, Steve and Lindy, greeted us with hugs. "You were so good!" They said.

    "Thanks!" I replied back.

    The car home was mostly spent joking and bantering, as well as rocking out to music. We dropped Dan off at his house and went home. It was very late at night, 11:30, so we went to bed.

    However, little did we know that the next day an event would spark a cascade which would cause our lives to change forever...
    Reply With Quote

    Relevant Advertising!

      #2    
    Old March 7th, 2017 (4:13 PM). Edited March 19th, 2017 by Rick Gastly.
    Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
    Memes Straight Outta 2007
       
      Join Date: Sep 2016
      Location: Lavender Town
      Age: 15
      Gender: Male
      Posts: 75
      Chapter Two: Natural Science
      In a nearby science lab about 5 miles away, a group of scientists were slacking off, watching funny videos on the internet when they should've been looking for some asteroids in space. But One of them had an idea.

      "Hey, did you know I just found a way to bring Pokemon into the real world?" he said.

      "Are you serious? There's no way you can be". The other one said. "Must've put weed in your coffee again."

      "Nope, i'm serious! Using this machine called the Fantasy Realizer Device, I can bring Pokemon into the real world!" he said with a smile.

      "Allow me to demonstrate". He brought out what looked like a tablet, even including the famous Apple startup sound, except instead of apps there was a screen saying "WHICH POKEMON WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRANSPORT INTO THE REAL WORLD?". The man flashed a wicked grin and went to the option that said "all". However, as he was about to click it, the other scientist accidentally spilled his coffee on the machine, and it started to spark.

      "Uh-oh" said the first scientist.

      Then an explosion went off, knocking them about 10 feet back and crushing a table behind them, sending beakers flying. It didn't look like anything appeared out of the device, so they breathed a sigh of relief.

      However, they didn't know what horror they unleashed in the world.

      Instead of Pokemon, what came out was a microscopic virus, with DNA of every Pokemon in the virus. One microbe had the DNA of a Charizard, another had the DNA of a Azumarill, and different microbes of the virus were embedded with the DNA of each and every Pokemon. They dispersed out the window and into the crisp night air, with some making their way into the water supply.

      The town of Eastridge would never be the same again.
      __________________
      My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
      Reply With Quote
        #3    
      Old March 7th, 2017 (4:14 PM). Edited March 19th, 2017 by Rick Gastly.
      Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
      Memes Straight Outta 2007
         
        Join Date: Sep 2016
        Location: Lavender Town
        Age: 15
        Gender: Male
        Posts: 75
        Chapter 3: The Next Day
        Of course, I didn't know that at the time. Everything in life was still normal. And so, the next morning I woke up at 6:00, as per usual, to get ready for school.

        I did my regular morning routine. Brushing my teeth, showering, etc. And then, me, Scott, and Matt piled in to the car, with Scott driving, as we went off to our respective schools, Matt to the Eastridge Middle School and me and Scott off to high school. I went into the cafeteria and talked with my friends, Mark and Alex.

        "You did great at that concert last night!" Alex said with a smile.

        "Thanks!" I said. "We have another one tonight at a club downtown!"

        "I'm sure coming", Alex said.

        "Me too". Said Mark.

        Soon enough, the bell rang, and I went off to my first class, which was Chemistry. But first I went to the water fountain to get a drink of water.

        That turned out to be the biggest mistake I would make that day.

        The rest of the day progressed normally. I went through all my classes, Health, English, Gym, Orchestra, Music Theory, Italian, World History, and Algebra.

        However, throughout the day, I got the feeling that something wasn't right. I didn't feel sick or anything, I just felt... strange. It felt like something was going through my body, and it felt very tingly and weird. I also felt a weird pressure in my back area. However, I ignored those signs and carried on with my day. I did consider going to the nurse but just figured it was tiredness.

        The school day came to an end, and the feeling was still there, though it was lesser. My dad gave me a call that concerned me.

        "Hey dad" I said.

        "Hey Tom, how was your day?" he replied.

        "Good. I'm excited for the concert tonight!" I said back.

        "That's good! Anyway, I got a call from the school, they say a virus has been found in the school's water supply" Oh no! I drank the water from the fountain! I'm doomed. What's it gonna do to me? Will I live? Will I DIE? I was very concerned. "You didn't drink the water, did you?"

        "No" I lied. I didn't want to tell him about the weird feelings i've been having all day, I didn't want to have him be concerned.

        "That's good, then. They've checked our water supplies and they say they're clean, so that's good". He responded.

        "Okay, that's good to hear. Anyway, bye!" I said, trying to hide the fear.

        I hung up, and I my first thought was to panic, and that I was gonna die. However, the more rational side of me soon took control. I realized oh, this virus will probably do nothing, at MOST it will make me puke up a lot of food. So I relaxed.

        However, as per typical Scott was very concerned, as he thought the water contained deathly pathogens or something, I could faintly hear him muttering "I'm gonna die" over and over again. But he's always like that.

        Matt was nonchalant.

        I did my homework quickly, as I had to go to the club to perform the concert, which was an early one at 5:30. While I waited to get ready to go, I got out my 3DS and started playing Pokemon Sun.

        Even though I am 15, I love Pokemon. I got into it, like many people, via Pokemon GO, and now I play the games and have been watching the show. The gameplay might be simple, but it's fun, the show has good plots, humor, and action, and the Pokemon themselves are great! My favorite is Pikachu, because it's adorable! It checks off all the boxes for cute: rosy cheeks, chubby, yellow, big round eyes, an adorable smile... Anyway, sorry for the tangent.

        So I was playing the game, and got my team to the 5th Island Trial, however, then, the STRANGEST thing happened. Right before I was about to start the big Totem battle, my screen went black, and turned off. I was very frustrated, my progress made was lost! I screamed very loudly in frustration. But then, right as I was about to throw my 3DS, electricity came from my cheeks, and the game started again with no progress lost, and it was fully charged!

        "WHAT THE HELL?" I screamed. "HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?" I was very confused. How did I create electricity? I figured it was just a lucky accident. Maybe the 3DS just crashed? Yeah, that seems logical enough. So I continued on with my game.

        I made a decent amount of progress. Then I stopped, chatted online for a bit, then packed up all the nessecary equipment for the next concert, my keyboards, mics, amps, and all that. My brothers did the same. Then we piled into the van, and left, picking up Dan on the way. We arrived at the concert, with my parents meeting us there.

        "Good luck on the show!" said my mom.

        "Yep, I think we'll do great. But make sure you're not going to dance in front of us this time" I said with a chuckle, remembering a past incident where my mom started dancing and I lost balance and fell off stage, not my finest hour.

        "Have fun, make sure you don't crack" said my dad.

        And then we left for soundcheck. After 30 minutes, we began the show.

        This show would be a markedly different one, as part of our promise to give a different set every night. After the lights went down, instead of the "Xanadu" intro, a lone acoustic guitar theme played, leading into a thunderous version of Queensryche's "Neue Regel". I was in top form again, hitting the high E sustain effortlessly. Next up was a fast, flying version of Queen's "Let Me Entertain You". Other changes in the first set would be dropping "Revolution Calling" and "Operation: Mindcrime" in favor of two Rush deep cuts, "Need Some Love" and "Best I Can", as well as playing "Dreamline". All the other Rush songs in set 1 would still get play, as would "Dazed And Confused", but Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" would be replaced by "Electric Funeral", and set 1 would end with "Limelight". Set 2 would be much the same, except "Xanadu" would be played, in a medley with "By-Tor And The Snow Dog".

        The show was a hot one, I hit all the high notes and the band played with fire. All was well, that is, until the end of "Cygnus X-1". After the instrumental breakdown came the big finale, Part III. This would require me to push my voice to the limit, and I was ready.

        "SPINNING, WHIRLING, STILL DECENDING, LIKE A SPIRAL, SEA UNENDING!" I belted out with force, preparing for the final scream.

        And then, after four cycles of the main riff, I screamed out "SOUND AND FURY, DROWNS MY HEART, EVERY NERVE IS, TORN APAAAAAAAAAART!" Or at least, I THOUGHT I did.

        Instead, what came out was "PikaCHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" I gasped. Why did that come out? It was almost like I couldn't control it, like it was from some other force. But there HAD to be a more logical explanation. I figured it just slipped out. Seems logical enough. The rest of the show went without incident.

        After the show ended, we talked about how we did, thankfully no-one brought up what I have dubbed "PikaGate".

        When we went home, since it was still only 7:30, I did some research online about the virus. It says nothing has been found about the virus's effects, but they don't believe it to be dangerous. That gave me a sigh of relief. Soon enough I went to bed.

        However, the strange tingling feeling was continuing, and the pressure in my back was getting really bad...
        __________________
        My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
        Reply With Quote
          #4    
        Old March 7th, 2017 (4:14 PM).
        Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
        Memes Straight Outta 2007
           
          Join Date: Sep 2016
          Location: Lavender Town
          Age: 15
          Gender: Male
          Posts: 75
          Chapter 4: Oracle: The Dream
          This chapter is very short, but it's cool, the transformation begins...

          That night, I had the WILDEST dream.

          I was standing on top of a large rock, with a reflecting pool nearby. Something felt... off. I felt smaller. I looked at my reflection in the water. But instead of seeing me, I saw a Pikachu! I gasped. Then I heard a voice behind me.

          "Embrace who you will become" it said. The voice was breathy and whispery. I jumped in surprise.

          "WHO ARE YOU?"

          It didn't respond. It continued.

          "Many changes lie ahead of you, your family, and your entire town. The world you know will crumble".

          "WHO ARE YOU?"

          "I am responsible for what's to come."

          "That doesn't answer me!"

          "It will be some time before you get answers, my friend. Farewell." And then the voice stopped.

          Later on, I woke up. "What a strange dream" I said. I got up and was ready to take a shower. While taking the shower I noticed the pressure in my back was getting worse. It felt like something was trying to make it's way out of my back. I turned off the water and doubled over in pain. After some time the pressure finally stopped. I was glad. However I felt something moving around behind me. I looked in the mirror... and screeched so loud someone in Russia probably fainted.

          My parents called up, they asked me how I was and I just had to say that I was "fine", but I was not really fine, and I just couldn't get into it because they would never understand. What was on my back was freakish, but unmistakable.

          I had a Pikachu tail.
          __________________
          My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
          Reply With Quote
            #5    
          Old March 7th, 2017 (4:19 PM).
          Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
          Memes Straight Outta 2007
             
            Join Date: Sep 2016
            Location: Lavender Town
            Age: 15
            Gender: Male
            Posts: 75
            Chapter Five: Tails From Topographic Oceans
            I couldn't believe what I was seeing, but it was unmistakable.

            A thunderbolt shaped tail, with yellow and brown fur, was sticking out of my back. I moved to the left, it moved with me. I moved to the right, it followed. I panicked.

            How is this remotely possible? I thought. I recalled the strange dream I had last night. Yeah, maybe it's still a dream! I'll wake up soon, I just know it. I tried to make myself wake up, but I was still in the bathroom, still staring hard at my tail. "WHY AREN'T I WAKING UP?" I screamed to no one in particular. Once again, my folks asked how I was, and I just had to say I was fine even though I was not really fine and couldn't get into it because they would never understand. I tugged on my tail, and it hurt. It wasn't a dream, this was really happening!

            Oh man, what's happening to me?

            I thought back to my dream last night, when the voice talked about the changes that lie ahead. Could it have predicted my future?

            I usually had a logical explaniation for anything, but I couldn't think of any. After all, it's not every day, or any day for that matter, you wake up with a Pikachu tail. I started thinking that maybe the virus had something to do with it, but I have no idea what virus would give you a Pikachu tail.

            Then I wondered: Is that all? Will I fully become a Pikachu? Or will I just have the tail. I was still confuddled how I got the tail. But I decided to just move on with my life. So I got dressed, making sure to hide the tail in my pants, and went downstairs. As I got ready I heard screaming from both Scott and Matt. I asked them how they were and they said "fine" but I knew they weren't fine and- you know what? That joke's getting old. I assumed that they had got the virus too, I had no clue what happened to them. When they went downstairs, they looked normal, so I assumed it was nothing.

            So we went to school, and it was a normal day, for the most part. I noticed a couple odd things throughout the day. First, many people seemed a bit more on-edge and nervous, like they were hiding something. When I went to the bathroom in the middle of the day, I heard someone sobbing in the stall next to me, who kept repeating "How is this happening? How is this possible?" But the weirdest thing happened at lunch. I was chatting with my friends, and Alex asked me how I was doing.

            I said "Good". I made sure not to mention the tail. "How are you?"

            "Pretty good, except I woke up this morning with a Glaceon tail, but other than that it was fine". Then he covered his mouth.

            "Umm, what did you just say?" I asked.

            "Oh, just nothing". He said. "So how about that Youtube drama?" He asked, and the conversation continued normally.

            After I went home, I was very confused. As if waking up to find you've sprouted a new appendage from a fictional animal isn't enough, I was beginning to grow suspicious that I was not the only one...
            __________________
            My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
            Reply With Quote
              #6    
            Old March 7th, 2017 (8:51 PM).
            Vragon's Avatar
            Vragon Vragon is offline
            say it with me (Vray-gun)
               
              Join Date: Nov 2016
              Location: In my little room with a window to the world!
              Gender: Male
              Posts: 159
              Please don't get intimidate by this lengthy comment (pun instinct, ignore and read on please)
              This isn't a huge list of errors, but my initial thoughts, ways to improve your writing (options more or less to bettering the style/presentation), and things I liked/enjoyed in your story.

              Now this fic is something I wasn't ready for, but not in a bad way.


              I like the idea of having you (As in your character in the story) undergo a transformation akin to shaggy dog. Since your chapters aren't too long and the entire thread in similarity, I'll go over each chapter individually and give some of my thoughts on each.

              Chapter 1:
              This was a very good introduction. I liked the first paragraph with your hooker, which then transitioned to you talking about yourself. This was well PLAYED by you. (stupid I know) But in all seriousness, there was a bit of "said" repetition, but not to the point of pure lunacy. A good way to drown this out is use different words or add some details/scene to the chat to help mellow the said.

              Quote:
              Rick Gastly:
              "Um, you know" Matt said, "Obama's not president anymore. Those jokes are kinda getting old".
              alternate ways to do this:
              "Um, you know Obama's not the president anymore. Those jokes are kinda getting old." Matt said, pointing out the correct fact.

              "Um, you know Obama's not the president anymore." Matt corrected, "Those jokes are kinda getting old."

              These aren't great examples, but adding some flow to the overall statement, or just substituting appropriate terms for "said" can go a long way.

              Chapter 2:
              I had more issue with this chapter. While I get the premise is the scientists, causing the spread, the structure and writing was a bit lacking.
              Not in sense of story, but more of past/present tense mess ups, and more importantly the fact he had the device, said he had an idea to do it, then said he was going to demonstrate the fantasy realizer device, that asks for "which Pokémon" immediately. There is need of additions in moving from one scene to another. One could ask, "Was the device made for Pokémon already, or did he set it up that way?"

              This isn't to bad per say, but remember the reader's sight in your story is how you describe it. Write in a way, you would as like describing a scene to a blind man, since I don't/can't see the scene play in your head or what your true terms were with it. Basically it's up to my interpretation, and it can be vastly different from yours.

              Now, I'm not insinuating tossing, Hell no I mean my first three chaps are meh. But don't let it bog you down and learn from it. Apply what there is flawed in the first to avoids in the future.
              Like I did, hopefully in my works. I hope.

              Chapter 3:
              Quote:
              Rick Gastly:
              "That's good! Anyway, I got a call from the school, they say a virus has been found in the school's water supply" Oh no! I drank the water from the fountain! I'm doomed. What's it gonna do to me? Will I live? Will I DIE? I was very concerned. "You didn't drink the water, did you?"
              This was scrunched together, making it hard to see when you narrate and when dialogue is done.
              Also I felt the first part of this chapter was rushed. You jumped from that morning, to the conversations with Alex and Mark, then went to get a drink, moved to the end of school and you father's call, then the concert and it's madness. What I'm getting at is that the issue isn't this chapter's length, but time progression. Some of this I could see in the last chapter to even the words out and make it less cluttered to avoid rushing the story.

              Chapter 4:
              The start was a bit sudden and a few weird sentence transitions. Other than that it was fine, but I would advice against unreal/in relatable dialogue/action. This is minor, but can bore a ready in sense of commonness. This isn't inherently bad, but try to add some details or descriptions to scenes and think about what you want them to say. Having different ways of describing the same thing can in a long work.

              Chapter 5:
              I liked this chapter. The internal panic your character had was nice, plus I do like the little italics you put to emphasize your inner thoughts. The dialogue was much better here, and you did well on how he thought about his future, and the subtle hints at others having it too. I agree that Alex needs to think before he speaks like you (little relax joke, DON'T JUDGE ME MORTAL!)

              Overall
              This is good fic.
              It's got a smooth story with only minor problems with readability in some chapters.
              The grammar I don't pick on as much. Not all of us are perfect.
              (I STILL CAN'T TYPE FROM FIRST INSTEAD OF FROM DANG IT!!!!)
              While this isn't amazing (and it doesn't need to be at this stage), it was a nice read. It was a better start to some other stories I've seen, and it had a nice little impact on me.
              Now everyone has a unique style sense, and yours (from my perception) is more in the direct than foreshadow, explaining, or revisiting. It's a nice style in that you can make good interactions along with a nice story plot.
              My homework for you (to practice if you want), try writing out a simple sentence like this.

              I went to the store and bought a fish.

              And just think of ways to flesh it out or add to it that makes the image clearer. This has a huge amount of ways and creativity in it. I'm sure you'll find that little describer in you and don't fret. Hardly anyone gets it totally right at first and you shouldn't get upset if it isn't amazing.
              My personal time on this site started off really bad. I posted at thread that broke the rules and had to replace it with my current work. On top that, my views were small and I didn't get any comments (besides one that I needed though I felt bad after reading it).
              But, that's where you can
              1# Ask for advice
              there's no shame in it.
              2# Practice makes better
              not perfect, but can help you enhance as you keep on posting.
              3# Read other's styles
              It's not one size fits all of course, but reading other peoples works can help give a broader view on how to write something.
              4# Don't push yourself
              It takes time sometimes and don't feel like you have to rush. Quality over Quantity.
              5# Take breaks if need be
              If your having a tough time, it might mean you need to take a break. People are human and need to walk away now and then.


              To end this completely overwritten review, I would like to say the thing I liked the most about your story.
              That it is about, someone I can relate in life. In other words, that your writing what you like and this is your story about YOU! And that's the best story you can tell.
              (OMG I'M SO CHEESY)
              But aside I wish you luck in your future prospects and look forward to see your work in the future!
              __________________
              This signature has been disabled.
              Signatures cannot exceed 350px in height
              Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

              You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

              Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.
              Reply With Quote
                #7    
              Old March 10th, 2017 (4:22 PM).
              Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
              Memes Straight Outta 2007
                 
                Join Date: Sep 2016
                Location: Lavender Town
                Age: 15
                Gender: Male
                Posts: 75
                Thanks for the really long review!

                Just wanna give a context to the story: I've been reading like a ton of Pokemon transformation stories lately, I don't know why I mean they're kinda dumb, but I really like them, i've probably read hundreds, the one that inspired the concept the most was entitled "Wave: Endemic" it's really good. I came up with the idea because most of the stories i've read had the transformation happen all at once and there wasn't much that had it be gradual, which I find more interesting. There are some, such as "WerePokeism" (Another one heavily influential) Another story that was heavily influential was a surprisingly well written MLP:FIM Transformation story entitled Five Score, Divided By Four.

                Writing a story about ME was inspired by the fact that it's easier to do that, every detail in the story is about my life, okay, well I don't have a Rush/Queensryche cover band (I wish I did).

                About the lack of detail, maybe it is a bit lacking, but the problem with some i've read is too much detail, there's some "tf" stories i've read that are like 500,000 words long and most of that is incredibly descriptive prose. I figured it would be boring to talk about my entire day, I mean I surely wouldn't find just talking about a normal day in school very interesting.

                I will, though, take grammar and stuff into account.

                Chapter 6 is coming soon, but i'm having trouble thinking of a title (Every title so far is the name of a song by an artist I like, 3 Rush songs, 1 David Bowie song, and 1 Yes song)
                __________________
                My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                Reply With Quote
                  #8    
                Old March 19th, 2017 (3:23 PM).
                Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                Memes Straight Outta 2007
                   
                  Join Date: Sep 2016
                  Location: Lavender Town
                  Age: 15
                  Gender: Male
                  Posts: 75
                  Here's a NEW chapter!
                  Chapter Six: Unseen And Unexplained
                  When I got home, I quickly got on the computer and did some research. I went to my local news website, and I found there was an article about the virus. I clicked it, and there was a video. I watched it. The finds were shocking.

                  It said:

                  "Local scientists in New York have analyzed a sample of the new virus found in the water of Eastridge. They have found startling finds. Let's take it down to our correspondent, Don Daniels, who has local scientist, Dr. James S. Tyler for an interview", the anchor said.

                  "So what did you find in the virus", Daniels asked.

                  "We have analysed the sample and found that there is non-human DNA in the viruses. But what is more startling is that the DNA seems not to come from any animal we are aware of, it seems to come from a new species." Tyler responded.

                  "That is very interesting information. Do you have anything to say about what you think the effects will be?" Daniels enquired.

                  "We don't know enough about what the effects of this virus will be. What we do know is that there could be some alterations to people's genetic code" Tyler stated. Well, i'd say waking up with a Pikachu tail is definitely alteration to genetic code, so i'll take his word for it.

                  "We will do more research and if we find anything we will let you know". Tyler continued.

                  "Thank you for your time". And then the video ended.

                  I wasn't sure what to think, I was stunned. How could DNA from a non-existent animal species make it's way into the water supply? What caused this? Could there be more effects or are the alterations slight (Well, as much as waking up with a new limb can be)? I sat in deep thought.

                  While I was thinking, my dog, Brie, came up to me and started sniffing my new appendage curiously. I quickly shooed her away.

                  The rest of the evening was pretty normal, as I had no concert that night. I spent most of that time browsing sites while listening to Rush concerts. Then, what happened yesterday happened again. My computer was very low on power, but then, when I was about to plug it in, a shock went through my hand, and it went back up to full battery. I was freaked out. Also, I noticed my brothers were nervous too. When I had a bit of a chat with Scott, I noticed his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms were heavy. I shrugged it off as him being tired.

                  Before I went to bed, I found a new update to the story. It claimed there was an apparent explosion in a lab nearby, but no other info was available. Coupling that with what had been happening with me and everyone else the last few days, I didn't quite know what was happening, but one thing was for sure.

                  It wasn't good.
                  __________________
                  My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                  Reply With Quote
                    #9    
                  Old March 31st, 2017 (2:35 AM).
                  Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                  Memes Straight Outta 2007
                     
                    Join Date: Sep 2016
                    Location: Lavender Town
                    Age: 15
                    Gender: Male
                    Posts: 75
                    The next day, a Thursday, I woke up, and first thing I did was look at myself in the mirror to make sure nothing else changed.

                    Thankfully, nothing had, I thought.

                    However, on closer inspection, I noticed a couple small details. My arms were a bit thicker, and my fingers a bit stubbier. Neither by much, but just enough to notice. I hoped no one else would. I figured it was just me seeing things.

                    I did my regular morning routine, making sure to hide my tail, taking a shower, brushing my teeth, eating my typical breakfast of Cheerios, packing up, and then went off to school. I went to my friends at the table, and we chatted.

                    However, I noticed something weird.

                    Mark was wearing a hat. That doesn't sound weird on paper, but he never wore a hat. In fact, he hated hats. I distinctly remember him calling them "scum of the earth" which I felt was a bit harsh. I was getting really suspicious. I was really starting to think I was not the only one. Reinforced by the fact for a split second, his hat slipped a bit and I saw something blue... I forgot about that though as the bell rang and I went off to Chemistry class.

                    Most of the day was normal for me, however, as the day wore on I began to feel sick. I got a really bad headache, and my stomach hurt. I also felt a earache for some reason. I was concerned, and I was hoping this didn't mean something else would happen to me. I didn't want to go to the nurse, so I pressed on with my day. After ordinary Chemistry, Health, English, and Gym classes (Though there was a scary moment in gym where my tail slipped out for a brief second, fortunately no one noticed) I went to lunch and started talking with my friends. However, during a particularly heated discussion about politics, the earache started getting really bad. It felt like someone was pulling on my ears and stretching them out. My friends stopped talking and instead started to stare.

                    "What are you looking at?" I inquired.

                    "Dude, what's wrong with your ears?" Mark said.
                    "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" I screamed. I was REALLY confused.

                    "Your ears, they're like, stretching!" Alex added.

                    I felt them, and sure enough, it felt like they were growing longer! I screamed incredibly loudly, than ran as fast as I can to the bathroom.

                    I ran into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, and I was horrified. My ears were growing longer and more pointed before my eyes! And not all, but they were moving up my head, up near the top. And then, to make matters worse yellow fur grew on them, with black fur on the tips. Finally the pain stopped, and I was left with two pointed, fuzzy, black-tipped ears. But my reaction didn't change. I recognized those kind of ears anywhere. Pikachu ears!

                    I let out yet another loud scream (It's a miracle I haven't lost my voice) as I stared at my reflection and tugged at my oversized ears. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?" I screamed. "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?" After a few minutes of standing shocked, I bent down on the floor and started to cry, burying my face in my hands. First the tail, now the ears. Is this all? Will there be more? Will I be forced to live the rest of my life as a fictional animal, poked and prodded at in labs? That last sentence made me cry even harder. I probably sat like that for the next 10 minutes or so.

                    But then, the more optimistic side of me took control. Maybe this won't be so bad. Maybe this will all end. And besides, even if I do become a Pikachu, I could still live my normal life. A pikachu singing Rush! How cool is that? Besides, I had a concert tonight, and I couldn't dwell on this. So I calmed down, got up, and decided to face the rest of the day.

                    I needed to hide my Pikachu ears, though. So I put on my jacket with a hoodie, and went into the hallway.

                    The rest of the school day went normally, going through all my classes. My brother said he couldn't drive me home. He didn't say why, I just figured he had a club or something. So I took the bus home.

                    Little did I know that a tremendous shock would await for me...
                    __________________
                    My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                    Reply With Quote
                      #10    
                    Old April 16th, 2017 (5:17 AM).
                    Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                    Memes Straight Outta 2007
                       
                      Join Date: Sep 2016
                      Location: Lavender Town
                      Age: 15
                      Gender: Male
                      Posts: 75
                      Chapter Eight: I'm Not The Only One


                      When I went home, I saw Scott there. I found that odd, he said he was staying after school!

                      He was sitting on the couch, wearing his hoodie. He said "Hey, how's it going?"

                      I replied "It's going pretty good".

                      "Did anything unusual happen today?" Scott inquired.

                      "Nope, it was just a normal day". I responded.

                      "Are you sure?" he asked. "Did nothing bad happen with your ears?" He stated, pulling down his hoodie when he said "ears". When he did, I screamed!

                      On top of his head were a pair of brown colored rodent-like ears! I wondered what kind of animal had them and then I realized, it's not just from any animal, it's from a Raichu! It was happening to him too!

                      "AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" I screeched "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EARS?"

                      "I DON'T KNOW!" He screamed in response. "IT JUST HAPPENED TODAY!"

                      "IT HAPPENED TO ME TOO!" I yelled back, pulling down my hoodie to reveal my pointy, black-tipped ears.

                      "WAAAAAAAA!" "THEY LOOK LIKE A PIKACHU'S EARS!" Scott yelped back.

                      He walked up to me and hugged me, buring his face in my chest.

                      "Whatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedowhatdowedo" he repeated, almost like a Satanic ritual chant.

                      I joined in, and we stayed like that for a few minutes.

                      Soon, Scott lifted his head up, and said:

                      "What ARE we gonna do? We're freaks! We can't live like this!" he cried. "How am I supposed to get a scholarship or get a job?"

                      "How am I supposed to make music? Not only do I have Pikachu ears but I also have a Pikachu Tail!" I showed him the tail.

                      "EAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Scott screeched VERY loudly. "I HAVE A RAICHU TAIL!" He said, showing off his tail, which looked similar to mine but was thinner and differently colored.

                      "How is this HAPPENING?" "How is this happening to US?" I yelled. "Pokemon aren't even supposed to be real! And here we are, turning into them!".

                      "I know! This sounds like a dumb fanfiction premise, only real!" Scott responded.

                      "But that's not all i'm afraid of! What if we not only have these, but we soon become a full Pikachu and Raichu? We're gonna have to live the rest of our lives as lab animals, poked and prodded at for eternity!" I said, anxiety rising in my voice.

                      "You're right! Oh, this is horrible!" Scott replied sadly, his Raichu ears drooping, which made me chuckle a bit.

                      "I'm only fifteen! There's so many things I want to do in my life! Write songs, perform concerts, write reviews, i'll never get a driver's license! I'll never live on my own! I'll never have a life!" After saying that, my long ears drooped in sadness. Scott saw this and started laughing.

                      "What's so funny?" I inquired.

                      "Your ears! They're so floppy!" he responded between chuckles. I started laughing too, a combination of seeing Scott's drooping Raichu ears, the absurdity of this situation, and realizing just how funny we looked. At the same time, I was glad, thankful that even in times like this, where our lives were potentially falling apart before our eyes, we could share a good laugh together.

                      Our brief moment of mirth was interrupted when Matt walked in the door, a horrified expression on his face.

                      On the top of his head were two large, diamond-shaped ears, and on his back was a small black tail.

                      Just like on a Pichu.

                      Upon seeing our similar predicaments Matt let out an ungodly screech, and our brief happiness turned back to shock and sadness.
                      __________________
                      My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                      Reply With Quote
                        #11    
                      Old May 6th, 2017 (6:19 PM).
                      Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                      Memes Straight Outta 2007
                         
                        Join Date: Sep 2016
                        Location: Lavender Town
                        Age: 15
                        Gender: Male
                        Posts: 75
                        Chapter Nine: The Show Must Go On
                        After probably like half an hour of mixed screaming, crying, and laughter from the ridiculousness of the situation, we decided to chat.

                        "So, now what?" Scott asked.

                        "I don't know what to do! This whole situation is just so... surreal! This shouldn't be happening! People don't just start turning into animals! People don't just start turning into fictional animals!" I replied, anxiety in my voice.

                        "Yeah, I know, but we have to live our lives! We can't just sit around moping. Who knows, maybe this won't be so bad!" Scott said with a surprising amount of optimism.

                        "You have a good point! We shouldn't let us slowly turning into cute fictional rodents put us down!" I responded, Matt agreed with me.

                        "So what do you think we should do?" Matt asked.

                        I jumped into action. "Well, first thing first, we have to hide this from our parents as long as possible. If they saw us turning into Pokemon they'd freak! They'd probably send us to a lab to be poked and prodded. And that would suck!" "We must conceal it, but without them getting too suspicious".

                        "Good plan! But how long can we conceal it? Soon enough we're going to be little more than electric mice!" Matt replied. "I hope we still keep our minds and voices!".

                        "Me too! Also, we have a concert TONIGHT! We have to make sure we don't slip up, and our cover isn't blown!" I responded.

                        "Okay! This sounds like a great plan!" Then I realized what time it was. It was 4:30! My parents would be home any minute! "Crap, mom and dad are coming home! Hurry!" We quickly changed into hoodies. They walked into the house, and we packed up the required equipment for the concert. Then we drove off to the Eastridge Downtown Nightclub, to perform.

                        We arrived, and as usual our parents wished us good luck, and we went onto the stage. While we were warming up, Dan, who took a separate car, walked up to us, he looked terrified.

                        "Guys... I have to show you something." he said in a fearful tone. I could tell what was coming.

                        He took off his hat, and pulled something out of his pants, and we all gasped in shock. Revealed was two circular, large ears and a thin black tail with a large blue ball at the end! More alarmingly, he smelled like a dust mop. It seemed like he was turning into a Marril!

                        "Well, at least we'll all end up cute." I said.

                        "What do you mean we'll ALL end up cute?" Dan inquired.

                        "We've been turning into Pokemon too!" We revealed our new appendages as well, and he gasped.

                        "How is this happening?" He cried out.

                        "Your guess is as good as mine. But right now, we have a concert to perform, and he can't let our audience go disappointed." I stated.

                        "You're right! Let's get on with it." And thus, we went on the stage, and the show began!

                        We began our show this time with a cover of Sanctuary's "Battle Angels" which allowed me to show off my deranged falsetto shrieks, and it's energetic power metal riffs allowed the show to go off to a ripping start. The show would have us play extra firey, obviously aware that we wouldn't be able to perform concerts as mouse Pokemon. The rest of the songs in the first set would be Rush's "Subdivisions", "Secret Touch", "The Big Money", "The Enemy Within", "Finding My Way", and "A Farewell to Kings", all performed close to the originals, though the first 4 were performed in higher keys due to the better sound. We were brimming with energy tonight and whipped the crowd into a frenzy, and I hit all the notes I could. Then we quieted down with Queensryche's "I Will Remember", Rush's "Tears", and Queen's "You Take My Breath Away", and we closed out set 1 with three Queensryche songs. We started with "Walk In The Shadows" which featured an extended introduction and audience call-and-response section, as well as me jumping round the stage like crazy, and letting the audience clap along, which the crowd loved. "Queen Of The Reich" followed, with me wailing like no tommorrow. Overall, the performance was a stellar one up to that point.

                        However, a near-catastrophe followed. I calmed down the excited audience, and began to speak.

                        "THANK YOU! We're gonna take a break, but first we'd like to play one more song for all of yinz. (Nice slang, me!) This is a song of peace and hope, of happiness and prosperity, a message to the children to carry the light we've passed down. This is called, Take Hold Of The Flame". Scott started his slow acoustic riff, and I picked up the mic and began to sing.

                        We see, the light, of those, who find, a road, which passed them by

                        Too late, to save, the dream, that's growing cold

                        We realize that fate, must hide, it's face, from those who try

                        To see the distant, signs oft-oforetold.

                        Oooh, oooh.

                        "Oooh, TAAAAAAAAKE, HOOOOOOOOOOLD!" I sang, hitting a strong sustained A ramping up to B, then I took the famous high E up to a brutal raw F# scream, and then Scott kicked into the heavy riff. Then, near-catastrophe struck. I jumped around the stage... and in the process of doing so, my hoodie momentary slipped off, revealing my Pikachu ears to the crowd. Thankfully, I realized this and put it back on after a split-second. I just hoped no one captured it on their cell-phones...

                        The rest of the concert went well. The second half would once again be the Rush epics, but would open with Iron Maiden's "Where Eagles Dare" and "The Trooper". We aced all the songs musically and vocally, and left the stage proud. Thankfully, no one seemed to notice the reveal of my new ears.

                        However, during the second half of the concert, I was really starting to struggle with an itch on my chest. It was not bad at first but soon became a burning feeling, it felt like something was crawling in my skin. Or perhaps it was something coming out of my skin.

                        When we got home, and right before I went to bed, I looked in the mirror to see what was going on. I pulled up my shirt and gasped.

                        There was yellow fur growing on my chest!

                        I should've been more shocked, but after all the craziness of the last two days, I was midly surprised. So, I thought, I will spend the next few days gradually losing more and more humanity until i'm just a dumb animal, and will be poked and prodded in labs for all eternity. Or, maybe if i'm lucky, i'll be someone's pet.

                        What a lovely future.


                        But I decided to go to bed before the pessemistic emo side of me took control, and let sleep carry me away.
                        __________________
                        My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                        Reply With Quote
                          #12    
                        Old 3 Weeks Ago (5:54 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by Rick Gastly.
                        Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                        Memes Straight Outta 2007
                           
                          Join Date: Sep 2016
                          Location: Lavender Town
                          Age: 15
                          Gender: Male
                          Posts: 75
                          Chapter Ten
                          Friends Will Be Friends

                          The next day I was happy because it was a Friday, and I was free for the weekend, that is except for the concerts, as well as my continued bodily change, it would likely be the last time I could have fun, that depressed me a little bit. I woke up at 6:00 like I always do, first thing I did was check in the mirror to make sure I didn't change any more. I still was pretty much the same, except the fur on my chest had grown much more and covered my entire chest area. I ran my fingers through it, it felt really soft... and nice... and NO! I can't think this way! This is horrifying!

                          Also, I think I had got a bit shorter, maybe about an inch, but not enough to notice. I took a shower as normal, dried off, trying to ignore the fact my new Pikachu-fur smelled kinda like wet dog, and got dressed. Then I went downstairs and did my usual routine, making sure to put on a hoodie before my parents saw me. I had my usual breakfast of Orange Juice and Cheerios, but while I was doing it one of my dogs, Paige, hopped up on me, sniffed the place where the fur had grown curiously, and then started licking. I screamed "GO AWAY!" and then pushed her off me. My parents laughed at it.

                          We then went into the car with Scott driving as normal, and went to school. We didn't say anything in the car, too lost for words by the situation at hand. My brothers also looked a tad shorter, I assumed fur spread as well. We went into the school and off to the cafeteria. Mark walked up to me, a horrified expression on his face.

                          "Dude... there's something I need to show you, but I can't show you it in here" He sounded really scared.

                          "Um, okay" I stated hesitantly. So we walked out of the cafeteria and he led me into the bathroom.

                          Once in there, he stated "I don't know why this is happening to me, but" and then raised his hoodie a tad. I was surprised.

                          His brown hair had turned blue!

                          "Nice hair dye, bro. Is that all you wanted to show me? That's kinda anticlimactic." I joked.

                          "Stop joking around like that! It's a lot worse". He took off his hoodie, and I screamed.

                          He had two blue, diamond shaped ears at the top of his head!

                          "WHAT? How did that happen to you?" I was very surprised, but at the same time relieved. I guess this "transformation epidemic" isn't as rare as I thought...

                          "It gets worse!" He stated, pulling something out of his pants, sorry in advance for how dirty that sounds. It was a flat, diamond shaped tail! Also colored blue, the same shade as the ears, and he also had blue fur on his chest. "YOU TOO?" I interjected.

                          "Yes! Wait, what do you mean "you too"?"

                          "This has been happening to me too!" I showed my Pikachu ears, tail, and fur.

                          "How is this remotely possible?" He said. "Pokemon aren't real, and here we are, becoming them!".

                          "I think it might be something in the water. My brothers drank it and they're becoming Pokemon too!" I stated.

                          "I'm really scared about this Tom! What if we lose our humanity! What if we become nothing more than lab animals?" He stated, tears forming in his eyes. I was surprised to see him so sad. I walked next to him and put my hand on his shoulder.

                          "Don't worry, it's gonna be okay. I'm scared too. We're gonna get through this together, no matter what." I assured him.

                          "Thanks Tom. You're such a great friend". He replied back.

                          Afterwards, the bell rung, and thus we headed off to class, I headed off to my first class, Chemistry.

                          The day progressed normally, though I noticed the array of colorful jackets and hats that most people didn't normally wear. I was determined to keep this a secret as long as possible. However, throughout the day, the fur was continuing to spread. It just felt itchy at first, but as the day progressed it was starting to get really hot. I couldn't take off my hoodie, however, the truth would come out.

                          By AP World History class, however, it was becoming too much. Sweat was flowing like a waterfall and I felt like I was in a sauna in the middle of Death Valley with an oven on. I had to take off my jacket. I was conflicted in my head. Should I take it off, and show my horrible secret to the whole class, or keep it on and risk dying of heat-stroke? I weighed my options in my head.

                          If I kept it on, it would be midly discomforting, but no real harm would be done. When I got home i'd just put ice cubes under my shirt or something equally poorly thought out.

                          If I took it off, everyone in the class would know my secret. The teacher would probably call 911, and the ambulances would come and I likely be taken to the lab for observation, my parents would find out about all this and disown me because they wouldn't want to be near a freak, and instead of spending my last days as a human enjoying my life, I would spend them in a lab, having test after test run on me by the doctors in disbelief. No way I was doing that. So I decided to keep it on, figuring that a few hours of searing heat were better than days of tests and eventually losing my humanity.

                          But while I was pondering this in my head, a bug came near me, it looked like a mosquito, and so I swatted it away.

                          But after swatting it away, the entire class fell silent. The teacher ended her lecture about the long-term effects of the Cuban Missile Crisis and turned her head towards me. Blank stares filled the room, and a few whispers. Some took out their phones and snapped pictures, sending it onto the web.

                          I was really confused and oblivious why everyone was acting this way, so I broke the silence.

                          "Why's everybody looking at me like that?" I inquired.

                          "Umm, the top of your head, there's..."

                          And then it hit me. By swatting away the bug, it knocked my hoodie off my head, which revealed the Pikachu ears to the whole class.

                          My secret was out.

                          My life was over.

                          There was no turning back.

                          I screamed.
                          __________________
                          My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                          Reply With Quote
                            #13    
                          Old 1 Week Ago (1:41 PM). Edited 1 Week Ago by Rick Gastly.
                          Rick Gastly Rick Gastly is offline
                          Memes Straight Outta 2007
                             
                            Join Date: Sep 2016
                            Location: Lavender Town
                            Age: 15
                            Gender: Male
                            Posts: 75
                            Chapter Eleven:
                            Just The Basic Facts

                            I blew it.

                            My secret had been revealed, and in front of an audience of 20 pairs of eyes staring right at me. Everyone knew that I was turning into a furry fake rodent Pokemon. My ears drooped in shame.

                            The teacher quickly took the phone and dialed 911. Normally I would only be able to hear her voice, but with my new sensitive ears I could hear the other end as well. At least that was kinda cool.

                            "911, what's your emergency?" the operator questioned.

                            "I have a student here, his name is Tom, and he has a pair of pointed, yellow ears with black tips" The teacher said, panic evident in her voice.

                            "Yellow ears with black tips? Very odd" She replied.

                            "Yeah, I know! It almost looks like a Pikachu's ears!" Then she almost whispered "I think he has the virus." She continued, putting major emphasis on "the virus".

                            "Oh my god." the operator responded. "An ambulance is coming right away".

                            "Thank you". The teacher replied, before hanging up the phone. "Tom, you're going to the hospital" she said, in a suprisingly casual voice.

                            I was horrified! If I went to the hospital now i'd probably never get out! I'd be spending my last days of humanity subject to tests, instead of living it up. And my parents would find out too, who knows how they'd react? Would they disown me and leave me to my own devices? And what about my brothers? Have people found out about them too? I pondered these questions in my mind. However before I could try finding answers two people wearing protective suits walked into the room, it looked like something out of E.T.

                            "Come with us". The one on the left said.

                            "But I don't want my parents to find out! I want to live my life normall" I cried.

                            "Don't worry", the one on the right said, "You're going to be okay". "And yes, we did tell your parents, but don't worry. They are sympathetic about it". I gave a sigh of relief at that, I was really getting worried.

                            "Where's my brothers?" I asked. "They have the disease too!"

                            "They haven't been sent down yet, I don't think they've revealed the changes yet. But your parents will probably know soon enough." The one on the left said.

                            They then led me to the ambulance. Even if I knew my parents weren't mad at me, I was still really scared about what might happen to me, I hoped I would be able to go home, and more importantly, that there was a cure for this disease and I could be turned back to normal. We got in the ambulance and drove to the hospital. The ride was very quiet, but I noticed more changes. First, the fur now covered my entire torso, and was reaching my legs as well, I felt fur on my cheeks, which I assumed was red, and my feet felt funny, I assumed they had become Pikachu paws. Soon enough, I'll be a full Pikachu... I sighed.

                            We arrived at the hospital, and the second I got out my parents ran up to me and gave me a big hug, I returned the embrace.

                            "It's okay, everything's gonna be okay". My dad assured. "Haven't you always said you wanted Pikachus to be real?" He questioned.

                            "Yes, but I never wanted to BE one!" I replied.

                            "I know, I know." He replied. "Tom, I know how scary this must be for you, gradually losing your body to something that doesn't exist" he continued.

                            "But remember" my mom added, "Even if you will soon be just a furry rodent, we'll still love you" she stated.

                            "Thank you" I said. "And i'll still love you, too." I said, getting choked up at that last line.

                            This tender moment was broken up, however, by a doctor. "Come inside" she said. "I'll tell you everything you need to know about what's going on".

                            She led us through the hallways, and looking through the rooms, I was surprised to see many people suffering the same fate. One boy had the tail and ears of an Eevee, as well as brown fur, another had the wings and tail of a Lugia as well as white feathers with blue plates on his back, and even a small muzzle, there was a girl who had the face and scales of a Magikarp (Well, at least my situation could've been worse...), someone who almost looked like a complete Charizard, except the proportions were still human... I was very surprised at all this, but at the same time comforted, knowing that there were others in my situation.

                            We came to a stop in a typical doctor's office, sterile and very white, and I took a seat on the chair. She instructed me to take off my hoodie and shirt, and I did so, showing my fur-covered chest, pointed ears, and lightning bolt tail. "Yes, This looks like PokeItis". She concluded. "However, we still need to do some tests to-" I cut her off.

                            "HELLO? Isn't the fact I have yellow fur, a lightning bolt shaped tail, floppy, black-tipped ears, and rosy red cheeks ENOUGH?"

                            "Well, I guess so." She replied.

                            "So how did all this happen?" I asked.

                            "You know the "Fantasy Realizer Device"?" She asked.

                            I nodded. It was big in the news a few months ago but quickly got lost in the wave of other news.

                            "Well, someone tried using that device to bring Pokemon into the real world. However, it malfunctioned, and created a virus infused with Pokemon DNA. Being infected causes the person to gradually change into whatever Pokemon the disease brought. It seems to have got into the water supply." She continued "Thankfully, while the virus changes the person's body, the mind remains intact" I was at least relieved at that.

                            "So how can Tom live his life now? There's no way he can still do what he does as a Pikachu!" My mom asked.

                            "He can still go to school and all, lots of others with the virus do. Though, some changes will have to be made. He'll need special seats to accomodate his reduced size, and probably won't be able to write. He also will be taken out of Gym and Orchestra class, since he will be put at a disadvantage."

                            Well, I didn't like Gym class anyway so... "Anyway, I think you can go home now. Do you have any final questions?"

                            "Yes." My dad stated. "First, will he still be able to talk? Or will he just say "PIKA PIKA" over and over? Though that would be pretty cute." I shot a glare at him.

                            "He will still be able to speak normally, his voice may be a tad higher pitched than normal though."

                            "Second, how long until he fully becomes a Pikachu?"

                            "By this point? By Sunday morning, only around 36 hours from now".

                            "Third and finally, is there a cure? Or will he be stuck like this?"

                            The doctor was hesistant for a while, but then she said: "Tom, leave the room right now, we need to speak in private."

                            "Um, okay". I slowly left the room. I didn't know what she was going to say but i'm sure it wasn't good. I tried eavesdropping but didn't hear anything, even with my sentitive ears.

                            After about 5 minutes, they were done talking, and we went home. The car ride home was in silence, which furthered my fears of bad news from the doc. If there was no cure, how would I live my life? How could I fulfill my dreams of being a famous musician as a Pikachu? How would I get a girlfriend? How would I drive a car? How would i start a family? How would I browse dank memes on the Internet? I held out hope, and so remained silent.

                            However, once we pulled into the driveway I broke the silence.

                            "I just want to let you know that Scott and Matt have the disease too, Scott will be a Raichu and Matt a Pichu". I stated surprisingly casual.

                            "Okay, we'll be sure to tell them what the doctor told us." My dad stated. He sounded almost emotionless when I said that, but his face showed sorrow. I knew what was coming. But i gathered my breath, and asked.

                            "I-is there a c-cure?" I stated, trying to hold back tears. My dad turned around and put his hands on my shoulders.

                            "I'm sorry, son, but there's no cure. They are working on one as hard as they can, but for now you'll just be stuck as a Pikachu". He said, somberly.

                            And that was it. There was no cure, no way to save my life from being just a fictional rodent, albiet one who talks and goes to school. My entire future was gone, wiped away from one drink from the water fountain. A tear rolled down my cheek, followed by another. A sob escaped from my lips. I tried holding it back but it was no use. I ran upstairs and into my room, slamming the door.
                            __________________
                            My Pokemon TF story! Be sure to review!
                            Reply With Quote
                              #14    
                            Old 1 Week Ago (3:45 PM).
                            Vragon's Avatar
                            Vragon Vragon is offline
                            say it with me (Vray-gun)
                               
                              Join Date: Nov 2016
                              Location: In my little room with a window to the world!
                              Gender: Male
                              Posts: 159
                              Welp, it finally happened. Things will never be the same again.

                              But on to serious talk. Here's some things I noticed.

                              1) Dialogue punctuation

                              Now normally I don't hound to much on this, but the problem is that it's pretty prevalent. The issues I'm referring to specifically are the endings upon break then transition back into the dialogue. There were two recurring errors with this.

                              Quote:
                              "Don't worry" the one on the right said "You're going to be okay".
                              There is supposed to be a closing comma at the end of the Dialogue. The other case I saw was,

                              Quote:
                              "By this point? By Sunday morning, only around 36 hours from now".
                              This is more missing while proofreading, but shows up enough to be more than a slight error or simple miss.

                              2) This Paragraph
                              Quote:
                              She led us through the hallways, and looking through the rooms, I was surprised to see many people suffering the same fate. One boy had the tail and ears of an Eevee, as well as brown fur, another had the wings and tail of a Lugia, as well as white feathers, blue plates on his back, and even a small muzzle, there was a girl who had the face and scales of a Magikarp (Well, at least my situation could've been worse...), someone who almost looked like a complete Charizard, except the proportions were still human... I was very surprised at all this, but at the same time comforted, knowing that there were others in my situation
                              It is hard to know exactly how to split this up with commas when there are already commas. Well, the way this is done is to have commas to separate the list rather than the transition, conjunction, or preposition.
                              Example:
                              Quote:
                              One boy had the tail and ears of an Eevee, as well as brown fur, another had the wings and tail of a Lugia, as well as white feathers, blue plates on his back,
                              is fixed like so.
                              One boy had the tail and ears of an Eevee as well as brown fur, another had the wings and tail of a Lugia as well as white feathers with blue plates on his back,

                              3) The Parents

                              While I understand the parents would try to be strong and would be later in this story, I felt the questioning period by the parents was somewhat lacking in their reaction. Plus, I would think they would have a reaction upon hearing the rest of the kids had it too or at least some subtle hint.


                              Of course there are positives to point out so,

                              I) Imagery

                              I really liked the details you put in this chapter. The areas where you merely describe what was going on seemed to be the best parts to me. Plus, this phrase really stuck out to me,
                              Quote:
                              My entire future was gone, wiped away from one drink from the water fountain.
                              It really let on the impact and somewhat tragic truth this story has right now.

                              II) Your reaction

                              While the parent's reaction wasn't very impactful yours was a great mess all through it. The questioning, almost resisting the jumpsuit workers, the attempts to eavesdrop, the worry as you mustered the strength to ask, and then the ending to this chapter.

                              III) Setting of font

                              While this isn't perfect I found that you constructed this chapter much better and made it easier to read as well. On parts of description you gave little to no dialogue and moments of talking weren't overly ridden with additions in detail. It was concise in areas and yet deep in the paragraph parts. They say "Brevity is the soul of wit." and I believe you did well in this aspect. I have no confusion on parts and was left overall sad for your character. Though not balling or anything of that sort.

                              While I admit this isn't your best chapter, it's still a good one. It's exceptional with its own strengths. I would advice to proofread a bit more and to think of ways to make reactions/body language much more real. Your main character is a good example of what I would call, "A fitting reaction to someone in his condition." So once you can get that for more characters, then the story will be more impactful in the heart string snipping department.
                              __________________
                              This signature has been disabled.
                              Signatures cannot exceed 350px in height
                              Please review and fix the issues by reading the signature rules.

                              You must edit it to meet the limits set by the rules before you may remove the [sig-reason] code from your signature. Removing this tag will re-enable it.

                              Do not remove the tag until you fix the issues in your signature. You may be infracted for removing this tag if you do not fix the specified issues. Do not use this tag for decoration purposes.
                              Reply With Quote
                              Reply
                              Quick Reply

                              Sponsored Links
                              Thread Tools

                              Posting Rules
                              You may not post new threads
                              You may not post replies
                              You may not post attachments
                              You may not edit your posts

                              BB code is On
                              Smilies are On
                              [IMG] code is On
                              HTML code is Off
                              Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

                              Forum Jump


                              All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:03 AM.